#bi angst

You pressed the button to the buildings main elevator and waited patiently as you heard the faint buzz of the contraction working. It was late, past midnight, and there was virtually no one around apart from a few cleaners here and there. You had decided to come to the YG building to see your boyfriend - Kim Hanbin - who had been working so hard recently. You texted him a few hours ago asking him how he is and if he had eaten and he still hadn’t read it. You spent the time that you should have been finishing off your own work worrying about him and his wellbeing. Hanbin has this habit of over working himself when he feels stressed. He doesn’t sleep, eat, or even talk to anyone until all his work is done. He just shuts everything and everyone out, and even though you’ve never brought it up to him; it hurts. You know that it isn’t his fault, and just a coping mechanism but him not talking to you as if you are just as important to him as everyone else hurts. The elevator finally arrives, opening its doors slowly - as if a warning not to proceed. You step in and balance the pile of containers filled with food on one arm so you can press the button to the third floor which is where Hanbin’s go-to studio is located. You’ve been there so many times that you know how to get there exactly. Third floor, a left and then another and then it’s the third door on the right. You were bringing him food, knowing that he wouldn’t have eaten and just wanting to see him and cuddle him to let him know that you’re always thinking of him. You just wanted to tell him that all his hard work would pay off and maybe he should take a small break and sleep for heaven’s sake. You knew that he wouldn’t listen but at least you would be able to force him to eat. 

You walk out of the elevator, humming some song that had been stuck in your head for the past few days and instead of trying to get it out you just stuck with it figuring that it would go on its own, but obviously that hadn’t happened. As you got closer and closer to Hanbin’s studio you felt more and more excited to just hug him and kiss him and hear his voice. It felt as if it had been a whole lifetime since you had last seen him. You reached the door and didn’t bother to knock since you never do. You edge the door open slowly, it’s half way open and all feelings of excitement leave your body and is replaced with something else. A feeling that is indescribable. Was it sadness? Anger? Betrayal?  You stared at the sight in front of you, your mouth open and your eyes not blinking. You couldn’t speak. You watched as Hanbin had his lips on another girl, kissing her passionately just like the way he kissed you. Her top was off, revealing her black bra and smooth skin which he was running his hands up and down, caressing just like he did to you. His own top was off also and she had one hand in his hair while the other was resting on his chest. You just watched him kiss her. Suddenly your arms gave in and the containers of food that you had been trying so hard to not drop, and had taken you so long to prepare for the boy you loved and whom you thought loved you back, toppled to the ground with a crash, its contents spilling everywhere - a bit of it even ending up on the cuffs of your jeans. You watched as their lips parted and they both noticed you. The girl had a startled and confused expression on her face, she grabbed her top and used it to cover her bare chest. Hanbin however, had an expression of complete shock and horror. You were stuck there. You couldn’t move. You stared at him, you noticed his mouth move but no words came out. Your heart felt as if it was being used as a punching bag and you noticed how its rate had increased. The building which felt slightly chilly a few seconds ago, had suddenly become unbearable hot. Coming to your senses you turned and walked as quick as you could in the direction of the nearest exit. You couldn’t believe what you just saw. You shook your head, trying to get a grasp of it all. And then you heard his voice and all the pieces of the puzzle fit together. 

“Y/n! Y/n wait.” He was running behind you, you could hear his footsteps. You didn’t even notice how fast you were walking until you stopped. You couldn’t breathe. It was too hot. He stopped also when he saw how abruptly you had stopped. He watched from behind as you just stood there, not doing anything. And then it hit you. You crouched down and began sobbing into your hands out of nowhere. You didn’t even have the dignity left to do it quietly. You sobbed in the middle of the corridor loudly with no shame. He still stood there and watched. You couldn’t stop. You loved him. You love him. All you did was think of him. Even when you had work to do, you thought of him. And what was he doing while you were thinking of him? What was he doing while you were texting him and calling him and making him food? Cheating on you. You felt a hand on your shoulder and then the sobbing stopped. Feelings of anger overtook your feelings of sadness and stupidity you immediately rose and turned around to face, wiping you tears. Your face was flushed but you stood there and stared him right in the eye. “Y/n I...” he began but you didn’t want to hear it. Before you even knew what you were doing your hand clashed with his left cheek, making a loud and echoing clapping sound. His face jerked to the side revealing the red mark your slap had left behind. 

“Fuck you.” You stated, your voice a bit shaky but filled with no remorse nonetheless. He turned to face you, his face contorted with guilt. His eyes were watering also, maybe because of the slap or maybe because he felt guilty. Or because he loved you too. 

“I’m sorry” he almost whispered. You didn’t reply. You felt the waterworks coming again, and they did. You started to cry bending your head instinctively. Tears ran down your face as you couldn’t help but remember every single second of what you had just witnessed. He pulled you into him, wrapping his arms around you. You pushed him away from you harshly, you rose your finger, pointing it directly in his face, 

“don’t you dare. Don’t you dare touch me.”

“Y/n, I...”

“I don’t care, don’t speak to me. I hate you. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING! I HATE YOU SO MUCH! I HATE YOU!” You practically screamed. It literally felt as someone was tearing you heart from your chest as you screamed. The sobbing didn’t stop. Hanbin watched you, finding it hard to prevent his own tears from falling. How could he be so stupid. He pulled you again, and you responded the same, but this time he didn’t give up. He grabbed your wrists to prevent you from fighting back and pushed you against the wall so that you were forced to look at him. He had frantically put his top on before coming to chase after you. He stared down into your eyes and you glared at him, unable to stop the tears. He looked away from you briefly, his hands still on your wrists. He looked back, 

“Y/n I’m sorry. I know that you don’t believe me but... I am. I don’t know what I was doing. That girl... I don’t even like her, I barely even know her! Please forgive me baby. I’m sorry. I love you. More than anything... I’m sorry.” He started to cry mid-way through his explanation and in contrast you stopped. You watched silently as tears streamed down his face. Was this supposed to make you feel sorry for him?

“You don’t betray someone you love. Especially with someone you don’t even like.” You spat out, taking in his pathetic explanation which made you even more angry. “Now get off me.” You ordered but he just stared at you. 

“But baby-” 

“Hanbin get off me.” His name tasted sour in your mouth. He didn’t budge and you didn’t fight it. You felt weak with his hands on you, like you had no power. You were fully aware of the emotional power he has over you, but you also knew that you would not give in. No matter what he does in this moment. It’s over. Hanbin crashed his lips onto yours, as if he could read your mind. He knew it was over too, but he didn’t want that. He loved you. He wasn’t lying all those times when he would whisper that he loved you over and over again. His lips felt weird on yours, not like they usually do. Like they didn’t fit anymore. You didn’t kiss him back. You tried to wriggle your wrists out of his grasp, but that only made him hold them tighter. You pulled your head away from his, the back of it almost hitting the wall. “Get the fuck off me! I said don’t touch me!” You shouted at him, fighting more and more. 

“Y/N! I SAID I LOVE YOU! I’M SORRY!”

“I DON’T FUCKING CARE NOW GET OFF!” You were crying again now, frustrated that you couldn’t get him off you. He let go of your wrists, but quickly wrapped his arms around your body, pulling you close and crying into your neck. 

“I’m sorry! Please baby I’m sorry!” He sobbed, squeezing you tightly knowing that if he ever let’s go you’ll be gone forever. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” he whined into your neck loudly like a prayer. You stood frozen in his arms as he sobbed into your neck. He was pathetic. The sorry’s got quieter but they didn’t stop. You couldn’t feel sorry for him. All you felt was disgust and heartbreak. He had broken your heart just like that. You stared at the white wall as your former boyfriend still continued to whimper and hold you as if he was a child. You thought of all the amazing times you and Hanbin had together and how you had thought that you guys would be together forever. You remembered the first time he told you that he loved you. You remembered your birthday, when you bought you that necklace that you were too afraid to wear in case you lost it or broke it since it’s so expensive. You thought of your first date and how he instantly charmed you. But the most reoccurring thought in your head was how he kissed you. How his soft lips usually felt on yours. How a simple kiss could just turn your whole day around. How you usually melted in his arms and couldn’t even be angry when he touched you. How crying and hugging you only made you want to take him home and put him into bed. But not this time. 

“Why?” You whispered, silent tears falling from your eyes as he clung to your unresponsive body. His soft crying died down. 

“Because I... I was lonely. I missed you.” You felt his lips brush against your neck as he spoke. Unlike everything else, that still made you weak. But you would not give in. 

“Why didn’t you call me?” Your voice was emotionless. He didn’t reply for a while. 

“I don’t know.” Is all he could say. Of course he didn’t know. He’s an idiot, that’s why he didn’t call you. His hands moved to the sides of your arms and he rose to look at you. “I don’t know baby but I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you. I love you. I love you so much. And I can’t believe that I would do something so stupid. You’re my whole world and I can’t lose you. I won’t lose you. I can get my things and we can go wherever and we can sort this out...” you began shaking your head as your tears fell and another sob threatened to overtake your body. You looked at him while you sobbed, overtaken by feelings of sentiment. “We can. We can fix this. I know we can.” Your head continued to shake, telling him no. Tears fell from his eyes more. “Baby please! We can! Just let me fix this! Let me! I can!”

“You can’t” you whispered. “You can’t fix this Hanbin. We can’t fix this. I can’t do this. I can’t forgive you.”

“Baby please. Please. Please!” He shook you, trying to make you understand. You shook your head. 

“I can’t” you could barely speak. 

“But I love you.” That’s what broke you. At the end that’s all love is. A word. A word that he’s said thousands of times. A word that means so much. Elicits so many indescribable feelings. 

“I love you too. But soon I won’t. Soon I’ll forget about you and move on and find someone else. Someone who appreciates all I do for them. Someone who thinks more of that word than you do.” You stabbed him in the heart as you spoke. You could see the pain in his eyes but you couldn’t stop yourself; and to be quite frank, you didn’t care. You dug the knife deep, directly into his heart. And you left a scar that will be there forever. A scar, nowhere as big as the one he left you. You pushed him off you lightly and wiped your tears as he watched you. “Don’t call me or text me. Because I won’t reply. Don’t come looking for me because you won’t find me and if you do I’ll act as if I don’t know you. Because I don’t. I love you Hanbin. But I hate you more. And that will never change.” You looked at him one last time as his tears still hadn’t stopped. He was longing to hug you, to kiss you, to beg you to stay. But he knew that there was no point. He couldn’t do anything to stop this now. It was over and he knew it. 

He watched you turn and walk away. He fell onto the ground once you were no longer in sight and he just sat there, staring down the end of the corridor. He didn’t move when he heard the ding of the elevator and the doors open. He didn’t move when he heard the doors close and it descend downwards. He didn’t even move when that girl walked quickly past him silently. He didn’t move. But you did. You walked straight out of there with your head held high. You walked out and didn’t look back. Because you don’t need someone like him. And you will find someone who will treat you right and love you with all your heart, just the way that you loved Hanbin. Because that is what you deserve.  

This was easy because I’m a firm believer that men are trash.  But in all seriousness, writing this was easy but it broke my heart. I love this goof and he’s just a sweetie-pie. If this ever happens he’ll definitely write a heartbreaking song about it. And he’ll text and call you so block him!

Hopefully Hanbin would never do this to his girlfriend because he seems like such an angel and I really do love him. The last paragraph was just me reaching out to all those people who have ever been cheated on or treated like shit by their partner. Keep your head up, you’ll find someone who knows what you’re worth.