#beyond18

So it has been a while since I posted last I’ve just had so much happen and now I’m questioning absolutely everything and I don’t even know where I’m going to end up anymore and it’s scary I have had few people tell me I should let some of my friends go because they don’t seem to care like I do for them but for me losing people in my life that I care about is petrifying. I’ve already lost a really important person in my life and to think I could lose anymore people well I don’t know how I would cope cause they mean so much to me and I love them all they just unfortunately don’t feel the same way anymore even if they did I never really got showed it. I do so much for people and I offer my support all the time cause I never want anyone to be left alone or down but yet some people are heartless enough to not offer it back or say they are to tired to put effort into you tonight. But I still stick around......WHY?

I was thinking about having a birthday party and inviting all the people I love but I cant see to many coming to be honest and I know its quality over quantity but somehow when your standing at the table with the cake and you look over and see all those people that came for you.....cause they care, cause they love you and cause they want to be there for you. Yeah maybe I just hide in my cave (my room) like I do every other day and maybe hope someone messages me saying “Hey I hope you have a fantastic day today cause you deserve it I know things haven't been easy but you are doing a great job at keeping yourself up”

You know who you are. You made me fall for you and our whole friendship has been a bit weird from the start, but I didn't think much about it till 5 months ago and you just happen to be there and my heart turned a new page. But now fast forward to today and I’m here, thinking about you; waiting for a response but I’m to scared to call you or even send you a question mark in our texts to remind you I am here and I am alive, but you may as well just forget. I’ll be gone soon and all you will have is the memories of me; whether it be as stupid as lying on a porch with me at the late hours of the night, but by now the other times we shared are probably far gone from your head, because who I am? I know who you are and yes I still think about you all the time.

Someone kill me? Not like anyone cares anyway, No one talks to me and people give me the weirdest looks, I don’t get invited to go out places like I did before i feel like i have become a thing of the past and they know why and I don’t

Why is it that when you have a sexual encounter with someone they don’t talk to you after? 

I don’t know what to feel anymore, I lay here like I’m dead but I’m alive.....So fucking alive and I’m dead inside sometimes I feel like I have moments where I feel everything at the one time and then 3 hours later nothing at all. Maybe I need help but I don’t want to get it to be honest I kind of like feeling like this but only cause its become so normal.