#beth rambles

Ok So first off, the image itself is a cute holiday bit, with hot coco and the cast chilling

The silhouettes on back are interesting, they don't exactly look like the crew-

Oh, that's interesting, Lloyd has a picture of himself, maybe we can get closer....

...why does it look like those drawings that are done when the animator or voice actor dies where the character paying respects?

Could that be what's going on with the of Lloyd and Rambley? Could Lloyd have been the main star in the beginning and once Issac passed away, the company elected to rebrand and have started the process of essentially rewriting history to make Rambley the main star instead of Lloyd? Like it initially was a peaceful/no ill will switch over (the painting in the Railway) but something caused a shift in the company to work on essentially villify Llyod to make Rambley seem better?/artificiallymake him more popular? Could those portraits be original Issac Indigo Characters that got the axe and were replaced by our current cast? Is Rambley gonna be going off the rails when he realized the reality of his situation!? (That one is probably a definite)

Where do I even begin?

Officer Lerner and Officer Gorman, I hope you know how badly you fucked me up—last life to this one. Honestly, I can’t describe my feelings in a way that makes sense but I still feel “loyal” to you and Chris.

I really feel like I need you—brains crave familiar and everything seems to have carried over. (I also met a police officer who sounded and looked like Officer Gorman in my current body. I’ve had multiple coincidences that heavily reminded me of you—even finding the same lollipop Chris forced into my mouth in this life.)

I bet you both are laughing your asses off—knowing I’ve decided to crawl back to you and want a 3rd chance. I feel like I’m a dog begging for a bone you’re dangling just out of reach.

Either way it really feels like I’m letting you win. Though I know that’s not the case.

Part of me can’t let you go/doesn’t want to get out of that unwillingly intimate relationship. I needed your approval and comfort. Dawn made it clear that I’d be dead if they hadn’t found me. Honestly, I hoped things would get better between the three of us. I tried to think in terms of “Officer Lerner and Officer Gorman will change” even if I knew you couldn’t change such manipulative and disgusting behavior. I tried SO hard to not cross the line or disobey you.

I hated confrontation and tried to appease you, tried being your submissive good girl. But you ruined me in more ways than one. I really contemplated committing suicide just to avoid the abuse—multiple times. I get why Joan did and I certainly don’t blame her.

Both of you are depraved, disgusting individuals who used the apocalypse to both your advantages to control those weaker than you.

In fact, I usually felt more needy and sexually frustrated after you both used me. Of course since you’re (Chris) older than me you knew exactly what you were doing. You wanted me to feel dependent on you for pleasure—unwilling or otherwise. Wanted me to crawl back to you for comfort each time Dawn beat me. Officer Gorman, you took something from me that I had saved for someone that I actually loved. I was only 18. 18!!!

I should’ve ripped your fucking throat out myself. You’re disgusting for trying to make the rape seem like a form of care, comforting me throughout it. You loved watching me cry and struggle, didn’t you? Even after I scratched your face and drew blood.

And you (Dawn) I should’ve used that pair of scissors to stab you in the throat before twisting—not in your uniform vest. Whenever you beat me I wanted to spit blood in your face, call you a bitch. I also thought of telling you both to fuck yourselves.

Whenever possible you (Dawn or Chris) said that I’m weak/not strong enough, “not a fighter”,“not the greater good or made for this world” because of my suicide attempt. You usually degraded me in order to punish me. Or just to try and make me question my self-worth. Lying through your fucking teeth.

It’s sickening how you believe your actions were justified, “for the greater good” and didn’t care about the harm it caused me. You clearly got off on it. I know none of my suffering and scars were for the greater good or “for my benefit”. But you always knew how to twist my words to your advantage. I only believed everything you said because it was drilled into my head.

Officer Lerner, I know you didn’t call Officer Gorman out was because you both had the same motive. You and I had as much sexual tension as your partner but I still can’t believe you didn’t reprimand him when he raped me. But then again you two are partners. I know you loved each other (not entirely sure in which way) and both seemed attached at the hip—one and the same when it came to abuse.

You told me many times you’d do something about it, reassured me you would put Gorman in his place but it never happened. You knew what was happening and you LET it happen. Over and over you let him do it. You wanted me weak, easier to control while you participated in Chris’ fantasies. (At least….that’s what I remember.) I pleaded with you both to stop, it hurt—but you never listened.

I don’t know how to describe your voices other than sickeningly sweet. It was so vile especially since your words didn’t match with the sweet tone both used. Both of you were so condescendingly sweet. Referring to me as “good girl” “sweetheart” “Bethy” and other terms of endearment to make me feel some level of attachment/intimacy. You won. You did manage to make me feel…like we “had something special.”

I was like your little doll you could rape and abuse, beat up and degraded whenever. I AM strong no matter how hard you tried breaking me. I know you never planned on letting me leave Grady.

I still don’t have closure and even if I don’t fully heal that’s ok. I feel like that trauma makes me stronger but at the same time I feel as though you still have a “hold” over me. Like I can’t move past it and honestly I don’t think I want to.

Actually….the first time I re-watched the hospital episodes I had like, a panic attack (curled into a ball type of sobbing) since I think I had underestimated how deep those wounds still are. I’ve never had such an intense reaction to trauma (except a different past life)

Also have never felt such a connection and urge to reconnect with abusers—you’re the first.

The whole situation was absolutely dehumanizing.

BUT at the same time I know you and Chris are in this reality. Please feel free to reach out to me when or if you see this. I promise I’m not only full of hate and anger towards you. There’s a lot of things we need to discuss and I need to confess a few things. I need you both….

It makes me sick to my stomach to admit that I’m EVEN attracted to you—I think of you both so fucking often. I still feel such a pull towards you and that sense of loyalty. It’s so disgusting and wrong but the abuse was prolonged.

I need you so fucking bad, I don’t even know how to describe that….”ache?”

Yes, my Stockholm syndrome/trauma bonding is showing and yes I have very complicated feelings for you.

Despite it all, Grady Memorial Hospital was the 3rd “safest” place I stayed at during the apocalypse.