#bennythreads

Benny had a total of three reasons to want to come to Las Vegas; to hide, to find his real father, and to make something of himself. He missed his old life, he missed the cold of Alaska, the eternal winter. He didn't miss the people at all, and he doubted in his current state that he'd be capable of fitting in. Instead he was lingering in those moments when Las Vegas seemed like home for a moment. He was standing at the corner of some alley, hoodie of his sweated pulled over his head, his light bomberjacket tied to his hips. There was a wind that could've been considered cold rushing through the place, and he was enjoying it. Cigarette dangling from his lips, eyes closed, pretending he was back home, just for a moment, before he looked up and found he wasn't alone anymore.

He wasn't about to randomly announce his business, so with a sudden dazzling smile he said: "Can I help you, friend?"

@ the weiss wedding @boneyardstarters

Benny looked at the note with a sour face. Not what he had expected, that was for certain. He had read it four times so far, and knew that he couldn’t say with a hundred percent certainty who the name belonged to that was mentioned there. But he did know what secret the note mentioned of his own. He wasn’t so much confident that he could get away with his secret being out in the open, as he was simply Benny: he wanted to have whomever had written this to try. His belly felt hot with anticipation, and he grinned at the idea of a fall out. Even if he knew… it wouldn’t be pretty. But his life never was.

He pushed the note into his tuxedo’s inside pocket and stood, walking to the edge of the dance floor to mingle, lips to his glass. “A beautiful ceremony like this… you simply expect something to go awry, right?”

Benny couldn't help the thoughts he had surrounding Halloween. If not for the money - he did sell a lot during Halloween, people loved the other type of candy - and the fact that he felt he could always go home with someone if he needed it. And with how confusing things were with Mei, he needed that too.

But regardless, the event was clouded now. The idea that it had been a year since Matevos' murder. And nobody had been caught for it, nothing had been cleared up. He was just gone.

Meaning that even though the festivities were barely under way, Benny was already no longer sober. Definitely still sharp enough, but also in a place where he felt nice, comfortable, warm, and hot.

He was laying on one of the haystacks, feet high up in the air, head almost falling off the side, and a plate of acquired candies and snacks resting on his belly. Smiling to himself while he plopped a now cold marshmallow in his mouth.

Two months or so had passed since Benny had learnt he was basically a bastard - hadn’t been a surprise then, certainly felt like a joke now. He’d gotten the address and contact info of the fucker who his mom cheated with, but had managed to perfectly ignore that impending disaster.

Instead he remained, as ever, doing a shit job attempting to righten his very bad image. Which included trying to be nicer to people and not doing as much booze and drugs. He’d even stopped buying cigarettes. Fine… for the past three days. Worst of all: he’d attempted to sleep around less. Which led to why he was feeling exceptionally cranky today. He worried he was some kind of sex-addict. 

He threw back the double espresso and threw the cup towards the trashcan. It hit the side and fell to the side. He stared at it for a long time.

“Don’t be an ass,” he told himself with gritting teeth and walked over to pick it up again. Couldn’t help noticing a set of eyes staring as well. He wanted to say something rude or obscene, but instead uttered: “Played soccer, not basketball, my throwing skills are shit.” 

Benny was starting to realise that alienating some of his best - and only - friends meant that when he actually had something to say and needed someone as a sounding board, he wasn’t able to do so. He could go to Ava, but he feared he’d already made her suffer enough with his shit. Mary was bound to have feelings about it, and he didn’t know if he’d like those. Mei and Mindy were out of the question, even if, in his gut, he felt the need to tell either… to tell both. Mindy would probably make jokes, maybe demand some riches. Mei would know what he was really thinking. 

He looked at his phone again. A message from a number not saved in his phone, but it was clearly his sister. Delivering very interesting, thought-provoking, and soul shattering news. She’d done a DNA test, taken from him last time he’d been in the hospital. She delivered the message like a true doctor, informing Benny that 1) the man who’d acted like his father was not his father, and 2) his real father was very very rich. First news: not so great. Second news: depended on how he could work with that. 

So with no friends to vent to, Benny had done the other thing most natural to him: start a fight with the first idiot who looked at him funny. 

Which brought him to the present, leaning into his car, one hand on his side, sporting a blue eye, selling Valentine chocolate out of the trunk. “Hey you, had a great or a shitty Valentine? In need of more chocolate? I got a shit ton for you if you’re interested, all on discount.”

Benny wasn’t having a very good day, which… after what had happened recently, shouldn’t surprise him much. But given his track record, he figured he would’ve hit that love ache in the chest already and got back to his feet. His alcohol consumption and other vices said otherwise. He was leaning against his car, his nose stuffed with tissue paper against the blood that was coming out of it, dark bags under his eyes, and a cigarette hanging from his mouth, which he was trying to desperately light with his shaking hands. 

The longer it took, the more he was growing frustrated. Even if he knew his frustration wasn’t at the fact that the damned cigarette wasn’t lighting. He growled and spit the cigarette back into his car, turning and allowing himself to slide down to the dirty sidewalk. He’d made a mistake thinking he could cut Mei off, he’d made a mistake thinking it wouldn’t shatter him, because he hadn’t considered she might already love him. And he hadn’t thought he might actually want her back. 

“Hey you,” he said to the first passerby. “Got steady hands? I can’t seem to use a fucking lighter.” He held the thing out but didn’t get up. He was starting to realise how drunk he was.

Benny had zero interest in celebrating New Years eve, he wasn't looking back too kindly on 2023, and he was bound to find ways to be annoyed with 2024 already. It seemed like the person who had gone into 2023 the year before had been much more confident and far happier. Now he was down part of his business - since he'd cut himself off from selling coke completely - up in hospital debt again, down in number of friends, and had almost been in a relationship but instead had been fucked by his own dumb beliefs.

He'd fought with Stella, with Fallon, with Atticus, with Mei, and with Mindy. He'd fucked plenty of people as well, but that seemed a small solace.

Mei just threw a city-size shadow over the whole ordeal as well, and meanwhile Matevos' passing made his heart feel heavier than a whale.

Regardless, Benny acted no different than he would other days. He was wearing sparkly golden pants, and a sparkly golden jacket to match - with nothing underneath - a shit-eating grin on his face, and a pair of 2024-glasses on his head. He was flirting and selling pills all evening, And as midnight neared, he was looking for someone to snog with.

Through the huge crowd and the haze of weed, Benny hadn't spotted Mei, hadn't until they were starting the countdown and suddenly she manifested next to him, as if the world was playing some cruel joke.

9-8-7-6-5--

Benny wasn’t one who actively sought to change himself for anyone. He’d slowly slid away into being a little shit because it had been easier. He’d turned his back on any version of himself that could’ve had a future outside of the criminal one he spotted now. Though he knew his parents had created him, that the lack of love and the bad expectations had led him down that path. Though he’d never say it out loud, he’d never blame anyone else now that he’d gotten so good at blaming himself. 

Take the full blow, the full responsibility for his actions, knowing he made decisions, they didn’t just happen to him. He bit down on his lip when he saw Mei leaving the bookstore. He knew her timetable, she hadn’t switched it up. He hated this post-internet world, he hated how difficult it was to do his deals, to get clients, to be contacted about flooded drains or broken showers. He hated that instead of Duolingo he was listening to language CDs in the car, filling out worksheets from the library, and in order to keep up with the languages he did know, he had to hold actual conversations. 

He hated this post-internet world because he’d lost all the possibility of distractions. 

And he needed his distractions, he needed to get things in order, he needed to do better. He could feel panic take hold, but he ignored it. It was more prevalent now than the chaos. This new being growing within him as he attempted to actual change himself. 

To do that for her. Less drinking, less hook-ups, less smoking, less drugs, less chaos. Less, less, less. Just for more Mei. More more more. Something, not more. Just anything. He didn’t give himself a moment to think, acted on instinct rather than careful consideration, walked until he’d caught up and was walking beside her, holding out a coffee between them, offering a smile. Acting. Because all he could do was act. “Coffee?” he said it as if he’d happened to walk here, same as her. Just on his way to nowhere. 

Could she see his inner turmoil, sense that he was trying, could she see that he hadn’t touched weed since Diwali, hadn’t had a drink since the Halloween party, and that he felt so so so sorry for all of it. 

That he no longer wanted Mei to hate him.