#thread.mei

Benny had zero interest in celebrating New Years eve, he wasn't looking back too kindly on 2023, and he was bound to find ways to be annoyed with 2024 already. It seemed like the person who had gone into 2023 the year before had been much more confident and far happier. Now he was down part of his business - since he'd cut himself off from selling coke completely - up in hospital debt again, down in number of friends, and had almost been in a relationship but instead had been fucked by his own dumb beliefs.

He'd fought with Stella, with Fallon, with Atticus, with Mei, and with Mindy. He'd fucked plenty of people as well, but that seemed a small solace.

Mei just threw a city-size shadow over the whole ordeal as well, and meanwhile Matevos' passing made his heart feel heavier than a whale.

Regardless, Benny acted no different than he would other days. He was wearing sparkly golden pants, and a sparkly golden jacket to match - with nothing underneath - a shit-eating grin on his face, and a pair of 2024-glasses on his head. He was flirting and selling pills all evening, And as midnight neared, he was looking for someone to snog with.

Through the huge crowd and the haze of weed, Benny hadn't spotted Mei, hadn't until they were starting the countdown and suddenly she manifested next to him, as if the world was playing some cruel joke.

9-8-7-6-5--

Benny wasn’t one who actively sought to change himself for anyone. He’d slowly slid away into being a little shit because it had been easier. He’d turned his back on any version of himself that could’ve had a future outside of the criminal one he spotted now. Though he knew his parents had created him, that the lack of love and the bad expectations had led him down that path. Though he’d never say it out loud, he’d never blame anyone else now that he’d gotten so good at blaming himself. 

Take the full blow, the full responsibility for his actions, knowing he made decisions, they didn’t just happen to him. He bit down on his lip when he saw Mei leaving the bookstore. He knew her timetable, she hadn’t switched it up. He hated this post-internet world, he hated how difficult it was to do his deals, to get clients, to be contacted about flooded drains or broken showers. He hated that instead of Duolingo he was listening to language CDs in the car, filling out worksheets from the library, and in order to keep up with the languages he did know, he had to hold actual conversations. 

He hated this post-internet world because he’d lost all the possibility of distractions. 

And he needed his distractions, he needed to get things in order, he needed to do better. He could feel panic take hold, but he ignored it. It was more prevalent now than the chaos. This new being growing within him as he attempted to actual change himself. 

To do that for her. Less drinking, less hook-ups, less smoking, less drugs, less chaos. Less, less, less. Just for more Mei. More more more. Something, not more. Just anything. He didn’t give himself a moment to think, acted on instinct rather than careful consideration, walked until he’d caught up and was walking beside her, holding out a coffee between them, offering a smile. Acting. Because all he could do was act. “Coffee?” he said it as if he’d happened to walk here, same as her. Just on his way to nowhere. 

Could she see his inner turmoil, sense that he was trying, could she see that he hadn’t touched weed since Diwali, hadn’t had a drink since the Halloween party, and that he felt so so so sorry for all of it. 

That he no longer wanted Mei to hate him.

Benny had tried not to think about Mei. For the past few weeks he’d tried to focus on his two jobs, on partying, on sleeping with other people. Simply on the life he had before he’d become so used to spending all his free time at the RV. 

He figured he could forget all about it if he just thought of their relationship as a summer fling. But he couldn’t ignore how his heart jumped when he saw her at the Halloween party. Why even would she come to the party? Why would she be here when partying was so far from her thing to do? He tried to ignore her by flirting with other people, but it meant that he lost where she was, and then suddenly: he was standing right next to her, drink in hand, eyes slightly bloodshot from the alcohol he’d already consumed, his body sweaty from the heat of the place, and every part of him completely aware of her proximity. 

And every part of him wanted to reach out. “So, what are you supposed to be?” he asked, trying to act as if she was nothing more to him than a regular hook-up.

Suraj knew something had happened between Mei and her friend with benefits… at least Suraj had thought it was that. It was a secretive relationship between them, after all. They were not supposed to know. That didn’t mean that they didn’t, and that certainly didn’t mean that nobody had found out after. So, they had decided that the least they could do was make sure Mei had a good time at the party. Even if they were the last person to be counted for as a party animal, and Mei had never much seemed to enjoy all the bar nights with Mindy and the rest. 

“Hey… uhm, I got you a soda,” they said, joining Mei in the parlour. They felt a little on edge given the possible scares of the night - and the few jump scares they’d already experienced - but they were trying not to let it show. They’d seen Benny around as well, almost naked in his chosen outfit, and they tried not to look at that either. “Are you… ready for the costume competition?”

Benny sat at the edge of Mei’s bed, his body still comfortably sweaty after what they’d done, his mind spinning, but there was so much in his heart that made him feel heavy. He knew he was going too far, he planned to cut it off but found himself sleeping with her again. And now his true intentions were back on his mind, and this would truly be the worst possible moment to tell Mei things were over between them… truly the worst. But maybe… that was perfect given the situation. He needed her to hate him, because if she hated him, then she wouldn’t think twice about going back to him again. If she hated him, then she couldn’t fall in love with him. And it was just easier that way. It had been that way with Stella, he hadn’t been able to cut it off himself, he had done things behind her back, hoping those would lead to them breaking up, because that was bound to happen. He knew whomever he was with would come to hate him, so he would make sure it would happen himself. But he didn’t have time or patience when it came to Mei, because Stella had never loved him, their relationship had always been one of passion and of struggle. Mei was starting to catch feelings, and he couldn’t afford her catching up with his own, because they didn’t work. He had too many enemies and he wasn’t a good person. He certainly wasn’t a good enough person for her. He stood and grabbed his shirt, then took a look outside through the blinds. “Alright, much as I loved our summer fling, I think we should stop doing this,” he said, his heart beating rapidly as he said it, but his face was neutral and sober. “Your colleague is starting to notice and neither of us is gonna survive is Mindy finds out, so it’s best if we go back to being… well, no clue what the fuck we were.” He shrugged. At least with Stella she cut him off because she’d overheard him boasting to others, about how it didn’t matter to him. That had done the trick, not the cheating. It was bound to work with Mei as well. We were just fuck buddies, this meant nothing more to me. Maybe if he repeated it enough times in his head, he would start to believe it himself. And Mei kept them a secret too, so she knew as well that they had no future. He figured she’d be sad about it, but hopefully her anger at the situation would make her realise that he wasn’t worth it, that everything she thought about him was right.

Benny spend about one third of his time at Mindy’s RV nowadays. Making sure to sneak in whenever Lou and Mindy were out, or inviting himself for pool parties and drinking parties, never one to stray away from the idea that he’d rather be there anyway than be at his own home. Then he’d sleep on the couch and pretend to have left somewhere in the middle of the night when he slept off the alcohol. Though instead he snuck into Mei’s room when he was certain everyone else was asleep or when she pulled him along with her.

Sometimes they’d go at it right that moment, he was usually wide awake until at least 3pm, and Mei was easy to convince. Sometimes he’d just crawl in bed with her, happy to have her pressed against him, and fall asleep to the scent of her hair and the sound of her breathing.

Usually she would let him sleep in. Those were the best mornings. Other times he could feel her shift beside him and woke up because of it.

He reached for her hand in the darkness as she sat up. The sun wasn’t up yet. “Mei,” he whispered. “Are you alright?” He pushed himself up as well, embracing her from behind thinking she might be in need for calming down.

Benny felt like an absolute worthless prick, though he knew it wouldn’t last. His body was merely giving off the signs that he had to take it easy for a while. And laying on the couch in the RV and not his own apartment made that far easier. Not that he figured he’d be pampered, but at least he didn’t need to worry about junkies knocking on his door and taking advantage of his situation.

His head was killing him and he felt drowsy. The painkillers helped to ignore the many bruises and cuts all over his body, though whenever he had to get up, he was reminded of their existence. 

Mindy seeing him in this state was one thing, begging to stay on their couch wasn’t hard to ask, but seeing Mei had a whole different physical reaction. No shame, something more passionate. “Mindy said I could stay a bit, so you’re stuck with me,” he said with a wink. As if they weren’t fooling around behind everyone’s back.

Benny was enjoying every little moment of this thing between him and Mei. The moments spent making out with her were like a game. Every turn he could find new boundaries to how far he was allowed to touch her. He would trail his fingers along the edges of where he got last time and attempt to see how far he could take them this time. She would tell him no, or she would look at him a certain way and he’d know. His heart beat rapidly at the sight of her now, like some excited puppy. 

She walked out of her room, like she did every morning he was there. He didn’t have the patience to wait for her to grab her coffee, standing up from the couch, wearing only the sweatpants he’d slept in, and joined her at the sink, attempting to pull her back with him towards the couch. “Good morning,” he whispered, keeping close to her.