#belova

Six months.

You'd known your best friend for six months, yet time spent with her seemed infinite. The world around you blurred in her presence. That should have been your first warning.

But as the days passed and you talked more and more, whether she was away on business or not, the pull in your chest only worsened.

Six months ago you could go to the movies alone, take a drive by yourself, go grocery shopping and not buy extra boxes of mac and cheese, but now? Now you had a teeny but mighty Russian best friend who infiltrated every aspect of your life. Second warning. It wouldn't be so bad if-

"No. No stop- stop yourself from thinking that. It won't, it can't, it'll never be." You mentally remind yourself as your thoughts begin to spiral again.

It has been happening a lot more lately. Your mind would spin, your chest would get tight, and your vision would blur with unshed tears that you fought back with everything in you.

As you fought to pull yourself out of your anxiety, your phone pinged beside you in bed. You didn't even have to look at it to know who it was. With a trembling inhale, you grabbed your phone and opened the message.

Lena 🕷️: "if I have to listen to Sam and Bucky bicker in my comms one more time I think I might not survive to come back home 🙄."

You had sniffled a small chuckle, the corner of your mouth lifting in a tiny grin as you read the blonde's text. She had been away on assignment for roughly a month. And every second of it was agony. Third warning. With your phone in hand, you forced a deep breath in and began to type back.

"you poor thing. life must be so hard for you?"

You shouldn't have. You should delete it. Rewrite it before she sees it. You know better. It's only going to make it hurt worse and-

Another ping. A response.

Lena 🕷️: "da, the poorest actually. surrounded by men and their tiny dicks and mighty egos when I should have mac n cheese on ur couch..."

The pain worsened. Your lips curled in so you could fight the rising feeling of bile in your chest. You played this game every day, and every day you only hurt yourself further. Your fingers were typing a response before you could think properly.

"sounds like we have plans when you get back home, hm?”

The swoosh sound of your message being sent before you can stop yourself fills your ears. Just as fast as it sent, you saw the bubbles on your screen appear, she was typing back.

Lena 🕷️: "only if you promise not to try and feed me that bullshit protein mac again, i still haven’t forgiven you for that.”

A small fit of giggles blossomed from your chest. The vivid memory of that night projecting in your mind. It was just a few nights before she left for this mission. Lena wanted mac as a late night snack, per usual during your movie marathon girls nights, but all you had was protein mac that you kept for your own use. With the stores closed for the night, you took the risk. 20 minutes later with two bowls filled, you walked back to the living room, handed her a bowl, and sat beside her. You ate like normal, she took a bite like normal, then…utter chaos ensued.

Her metal spoon clattered against the bowl as she dropped it back inside, your eyes finding her form amidst the sound making you jump. Her face was already looking towards you, her eyebrows furrowed but raised like a pouting puppy, her mouth agape with barely chewed mac inside, and the hurt in her eyes as if you had committed the ultimate act of betrayal. Just as you began to put the puzzle pieces together that clearly she had realized this was different, she used her tongue to push the food from her mouth back into the bowl, watching it fall dramatically while she groaned.

“LLLEGHHH- WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!”

Her accent was noticeably thicker. As was her disappointment. You couldn’t help but laugh so hard that your shoulders shook aggressively. Her icy stare never faltered. This was obviously no laughing matter to Yelena. It took a moment to catch your breath to explain to her your reasoning.

“I’m so- oh fuck that’s so funny- I’m sorry. I was out of yours and- damnit my ribs hurt now- the stores are closed. Figured I would just make mine and see how you felt about it- clearly not impressed. But c’mon, it’s not THAT bad.”

“Not that bad?! You’re trying to kill me surely, tovarishch!” She exclaimed while rising to her feet.

You watched her move to the kitchen to throw away the mac in her bowl before she placed the dirty dishes in your dishwasher. You had to look back to your bowl because the friendly nickname and domestic scene before you had your heart racing, blood pooling to your face. You couldn’t let her see you blushing because then she would ask questions that you weren’t ready to answer.

As the memory faded, you looked at your phone screen again and began to reply.

“i promise 🙄no more goodles. only annies, kraft, and velveeta from now on. happy?”

Three dots bounced in a bubble again. Then her reply came shortly after.

Lena🕷️: “hm, no, but more tolerable i suppose. i gtg though, getting a little crazy here. should be flying back tonight if it ends well so i’ll see you soon.”

Tonight?? You weren’t expecting that, at all. Last you heard it might be another week. Here you sat drowning in your own misery and she could be coming back tonight. That made you rethink everything, she couldn’t come tonight, you were far from your usual self and she would notice. But you couldn’t back out now without it being even more suspicious.

You didn’t even bother to respond to her message. What could you even say? And she probably had her hands busy at the moment anyways. You tossed your phone aside on the bed again and looked around your room. One of the only pictures you managed to ever get with Yelena sat on your nightstand. It caught your eye and soon you were staring at it. The white frame encasing a candid moment of you two laughing at each other with birthday cake frosting on each other's noses. It was from your most recent birthday party, the first you’d celebrated together since being friends. And one of the earliest moments you began to feel the emotions towards your best friend growing into something dangerous.

With a sigh and another small sniffle, you decided to lay back in bed and force yourself to sleep. You hoped and prayed that something would delay them from coming back sooner than expected. But as your eyes eventually closed and sleep pulled you under lightly, you were jolted awake by the sound of banging at your front door.

Your heart felt like it was beating in your throat as you groggily stood to your feet and walked out of your room. You trailed your blanket with you, wrapping yourself up with it to stay warm while you padded through your hallway and then your living room. You didn’t bother to look through the peephole on your front door. You knew who stood on the other side. You drew in a deep breath, even though it did no good, and opened the door carefully, squinting at the lights in your apartment building's hallway.

“...g’mornin’-”

You had said dryly with sleep still worn over your voice and features. Your eyes finally adjusted and you were able to make her out. Blonde hair damp from the rain, her usual work outfit abandoned for some sweats and a jacket, and her duffle bag held in one hand. You side stepped to let her in but as she moved over the threshold, her eyes stayed locked on you.

“Uhm…good morning, do you know the time?” The way she asked wasn’t for herself…but rather questioning if you even knew the current hour.

Your head shook softly. And she stared at you again, a puzzling look crossing her features.

“Are you alright?”

The sincerity in her voice nearly broke you. She sat her bag on the floor near your couch and continued to watch you cautiously. You debated on lying…but how much longer could you actually do that? At this point, you knew she wouldn’t believe you. So finally, you shook your head side to side, just enough to be noticed, while avoiding her gaze.

“No Lena…no I’m far from alright..”

Her brows creased. She was deeply confused and concerned now. How long had you felt like this and not told her? Her questions were rapid.

“Tovarishch…are you sick? Has something happened at work? Is your family okay? Period pain?”

“No Lena I-” You gripped your blanket tighter as you tried to stop her barrage of questions. Each one delivers a fresh blow to your chest. The air feels like it’s been sucked from the room. It makes it so much harder when all you want is to have her arms around you in comfort. To just melt into her until all your longing feels seen and understood would be the perfect ending to what you’re about to explain. But you know better.

“Stop.”

The abruptness of her voice makes you finally snap your head up towards her, eyebrows knitting together. She continues before you can say anything.

“I know that look. Just…how long?”

Your face falls. Eyes softening, lips trembling slightly, voice unsteady. Every emotion that plays along the face of someone finally feeling their heart break completely.

“...few months.” You manage to whisper, suddenly ashamed.

She rubs at her temples before taking in a deep breath. You feel every wall in your apartment closing in around you rapidly, yet your feet keep you planted in place, too frozen in fear to move.

“Just- I know you’re gonna leave, but please, please know I never meant for this to happen. I tried to ignore it- I know you don’t feel it, I’ve always known that. I just can’t figure out how to stop yet…”

The words feel foreign as they leave your lips. Bitter tasting too. You’ve never apologized for simply having human feelings before. But you knew your best friend. Someone who felt like she had never had a real friend because they either died or did exactly this. And this? Romance? Just wasn’t her thing. She had warned you long ago. But that was before the late night talks that lasted for hours. Before you’d woken up to her draped around you on the couch after falling asleep together during movie nights. Before you’d seen her console a crying child in the park because she had gotten lost from her mom. That moment alone had you creating a future with her within a few seconds. It didn’t hurt that you loved her, it hurt how easy it was to do it.

Yelena had stood now and gathered her bag from the floor. And then she just paused in front of you. Her gaze was that of someone who knew they were about to hurt someone they cared about. Regret playing on her face before the causing event even happens.

“I’m sorry Tovarishch,” was all she said before moving around you towards the door again. Each of her footsteps like glass being driven futher into your chest.

You heard the handle rattle a bit as it was turned and the door opened, causing you to release a choked sob like noise. Your hand quickly slapped over your mouth. It was actually happening. You knew it would, but it still hurt like hell nonetheless. Before she was gone forever, you spoke up again. Tears rushed down your face, only this time, you let them.