Losing The War Against Himself
Ethan Payne (Behzinga) Centric
summary - Ethan is losing the war of depression but other soldiers are going to fight beside him and help him win
warnings - depression, self harm, suicidal thoughts, angst, panic attacks, swearing, my terrible writing
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Sometimes, Ethan didn't want to talk about his weight loss. Sometimes, Ethan looked in the mirror and still felt disgusting and fat. He would feel terrible about himself and work out more and eat less, trying to get rid of the fattiness he felt but couldn't see.
The other sidemen knew that something was off with Ethan on these days but since he hadn't told them, they remained in the dark and confused about the situation.
Ethan was pretty open about how he looked up to the other sidemen and their lifestyle, especially JJ. JJ who was so strong and fit, who looked like how Ethan could only dream of.
Ethan just stood in front of the mirror and cried, he felt so disgusting, every way he looked at himself, he looked distorted. Ethan wanted to vomit when he looked at himself, ignoring all progress he made from the last two years, only seeing himself as the fat man he knew from before.
Ethan dried his tears, there's no way in Hell he would let his friends see him like that. So weak and sensitive. And so, to stop them from seeing him in any way that showed weakness, Ethan slowly went back into his shell, becoming a shell of their best friend. The sidemen were confused to put it simply and hurt. They had spent months getting Ethan to open up to them and all of a sudden he went back into that shell. The last time he felt like that was in 2015 and they did not want to go back down that route again.
Ethan's habits worsened. He'd show up for shoots, complete them and then leave. If it was an all-day shoot then he'd arrive on time and leave during his breaks, even if it was just for a walk around the block. He would go out of his way to avoid his friends, hardly interacting with them and not commenting on much during filming. He was like a zombie. His friends knew they had to find out what was wrong and helped him before it was too late.
Ethan was at his flat when the guys came over to confront him. He was simply lying in bed, not having the energy to get up or do anything productive. The men knocked on the door but Ethan didn't answer, too lost in his head. Ethan had given them all a spare key when he first moved so Tobi used it and they all entered the flat, searching for their friend.
"Ethan?" Simon called lightly, looking around the living room. When the men came up empty, Tobi nodded towards Ethan's door and so the group stood at the doorway and saw their best friend in bed.
"Go away, lads." Ethan's voice was hoarse from the lack of use but the emptiness was evident.
"We can't leave you alone like this," Josh said softly making his way through the messy room.
"Where's Charlie?" Tobi asked, noting Ethan's missing roommate.
"He moved out with his girlfriend," Ethan muttered. "He left, why can't you?"
"Because we're worried about you man," JJ answered honestly, his voice rarely soft.
"You don't have to be. I'm not worth your time." Ethan argued weakly.
"Ethan, when was the last time you showered?" Vik asked.
"I don't know. After the last shoot, I suppose." Ethan shrugged.
The friends exchanged looks, that was five days ago.
"When was the last time you ate a proper meal?" Harry questioned.
"I don't know," Ethan answered. "What does it matter guys? I'm still the fat kid I'm losing some weight now at least."
Both Simon and Tobi flinched at Ethan's words.
"Okay," Josh whispered. "You're gonna shower or have a bath and we're going to get you some food. Is there anything you want specifically?"
"I don't care," Ethan said back, voice breaking slightly. "You guys shouldn't either. All I do is bring you down. Can't you go home and leave me alone, please?"
Harry wanted to give in and leave Ethan alone and hope that he would get better the next day and return to good old Ethan they knew and loved. But Harry knew that he needed to stay, that if he left his friend then the results could be tragic.
"We can't do that, mate," Tobi whispered. "Just go take a shower and take a breather. We're staying right here."
Ethan couldn't be bothered to argue, so he pushed himself up in bed, joints clicking after not being used for however long. JJ helped Ethan up, seeing how weak he was. Holding an arm underneath his shoulders to support him to the bathroom.
Despite the stumbling, Ethan made it to the bathroom. He turned and looked at the men and closed the door behind him and soon the men heard the water running. Josh turned to the group and started planning things.
"Okay, Simon and JJ will clean up Ethan's room. Vik and I will take the living room, and Tobi and Harry will knock out the washing up in the kitchen. I'll order us all some food." Josh explained. Everyone nodded and went to their respective rooms to clean up.
About fifteen minutes later, the rooms were clean and Ethan stepped out the bathroom, feeling clean for the first time in days, wearing a new pair of jogging bottoms and a long sleeve top. Josh was the first to greet him, having stood outside in case anything happened.
"What do you want to do now?" Josh asked.
"I want you guys to leave me alone," Ethan grumbled, walking to his room.
"Well, I was thinking about watching a movie or something?" Josh replied, completely dismissing Ethan's idea.
Ethan ignored his friend and sat on his bed. Throwing his towel into the laundry basket. He stayed silent and started searching through his drawers.
"What are you looking for?" Josh asked.
"I hid them," JJ answered, shrugging slightly.
"Why the fuck would you do that?" Ethan asked. "For fuck sake." Ethan slammed one if his draws shut. "I need them."
"You don't need them," JJ argued. "You need something else, those fags are gonna kill you."
"So?" Ethan growled. JJ and Josh were left speechless as Ethan ran out of the room to search the rest of the flat.
"What are you looking for?" Harry asked as Ethan looked in the cupboards.
"My cigs," Ethan answered briefly as he came up empty.
Harry let out a small, 'oh' and Ethan continued to search. Ethan's hands started shaking as he urged for a cigarette.
"You don't need them, Ethan," Simon explained.
"You just need to try and calm down. Let us help. You're going through a rough patch and that's okay, let us help." Tobi said softly. Ethan huffed out and breath and turned to face the friends.
"Please, Ethan." Vik pleaded.
"Don't any of you fucking understand?" Ethan yelled, his depression causing frustration and anger. "No, you don't. So fuck off and leave me alone."
"Not whilst you're like this," Simon exclaimed.
"Can't you just leave me alone?" Ethan begged. "Please, I'm fine by myself."
"Ethan, it's okay to admit you're not okay." JJ took a step forward causing Ethan to take a step back to avoid contact.
"Go." Ethan pleaded, eyes watering with tears. He was trembling, close to a panic attack.
"Hey, Ethan. It's okay." Josh tried to ground Ethan, calling him by his name. He stepped forward and Ethan pushed himself against the counter. He slid down the counter and placed his hands on either side of his head.
Panic was clawing at his throat and Ethan couldn't focus on anything, he started scratching at his arms, hard enough that red lines were becoming noticeable. Fast-paced breaths escaped Ethan as his scratches didn't calm him, he started to punch at his head, angry for being so weak and he just wanted to go back to normal. He couldn't breathe. He didn't want to let anyone down and yet here he was crying like a baby.
He was shaking, crying. He couldn't focus on anything, he continued to punch his head harder, as he sobbed. He couldn't breathe. Why couldn't he breathe? His breaths escalated, shallow breathes escaped him, unable to focus on taking proper deep breaths. The men watched in agony not knowing how to help their friend. Josh made the first move.
"Ethan?" Josh touched Ethan's arm lightly. Ethan immediately retaliated and threw his arm out, punching Josh on the cheek.
It was like Ethan could suddenly see what was happening. He looked down at his fists and then at his friend who was now being looked after by Tobi and JJ. Ethan let out a 'sorry' before running into his room and locking the door.
"Fuck, I'm so, so, sorry." Ethan sobbed, hands covering his eyes.
He backed away from the door and sat on the bed, calming himself down. Ethan eventually calmed down and heard knocking on the door.
"Ethan. Can I come in?" It was from Josh.
"Please?" Josh continued to beg.
"I hurt you, Josh. What kind of friend am I? I'm horrible." Ethan mumbled.
"What if I hurt you again?"
"You didn't hit that hard, Ethan. It barely hurt. You were scared, Ethan. It's okay." Josh smiled.
"Is it?" Ethan asked. "All I wanted my fucking cigs and yet I hurt you instead."
Ethan heard some shuffling outside the door and finally accepted that his friend had left as he deserved.
There was a knock at his door and Ethan stood up and wobbly walked to the door and unlocked it. He poked his head through and saw Josh holding out a packet of cigarettes.
"As much as I hate it." Josh frowned. "You can quit but I know it's hard. I'll give you time and we can work on that together but you need to focus on getting mentally better before quitting."
Ethan nodded and took the packet of cigarettes and the lighter. He walked out and thanked Josh quietly. He made his way to the balcony and kept his head low as he walked past his friends, ashamed and embarrassed.
He took out a fag and started smoking. He watched as cars drove past and the boats in the Thames. He often thought about how much it would hurt if he jumped off the balcony or if he drowned himself in the Thames. He quickly finished the cigarette and realised he had nowhere to put it out. Before he crushed it on the floor or put it out in his sink, he rolled up his sleeve and pressed the cigarette against his arm, allowing the burning sensation to take over him. He took a sharp intake of breath before throwing the cigarette on the floor and crushing it under his foot.
He walked back inside the flat and looked at his friends who sat on his sofa.
"Did you hurt yourself with the cigarette?" Vik asked.
"I'm sorry," Ethan whispered before sobbing.
The men frowned at their friend, emotional at the idea of their friend hurting himself.
"I just hate myself so much. I deserve so what's the point?" Ethan shrugged.
"Why are you worried? All I do is bring you down."
"Ethan, you do not bring us down, at all. We love you so much more than what you could imagine." Simon smiled.
"If I died, the sun would still rise, the channel would still exist, people would continue living. It wouldn't change anything. I am insignificant." Ethan explained. "I hate everything about myself."
"You're acting as though we would still upload on the Sidemen channel if you died," Tobi said.
"Why wouldn't you?" Ethan asked.
"Because it wouldn't be the same." JJ immediately interrupted. "You say that everything would stay the same but it wouldn't. We would all be heartbroken, your viewers would be heartbroken. What about your mum, huh? How would we have to explain that to her? You've said it yourself, she's already lost so much."
"But I deserve it, Jide," Ethan whispered. "That's the difference between you guys and me. You guys help people and solve problems, I am the problem."
"You are not a problem, and I can promise you that," Vik whispered. "Yes, you can cause problems but so do all of us, we're human. But, you are not the sole problem."
"If you were we would tell you," Harry said honestly.
"I want to die, guys and I don't think you realise that," Ethan whispered sadly.
"We can get you professional help, and we can help," Tobi said. "You aren't alone, Ethan."
"Just tell us one thing that is bothering you," Josh suggested. "We can help you solve that problem and work with you on it."
Ethan bit his lip and wrapped his arms around his torso, quickly becoming aware of each one of his insecurities. He thought over every single one of his insecurities and chose the one he knew his friends could agree with.
"I hate the way I look." He whispered. "I look in the mirror and I feel like I could throw up."
"What specifically?" Simon asked.
"I don't like how much skin I have. I'm still fat, my face is ugly. My smile is annoying. My nose is crooked and I have such boring eyes. My legs are an awful shape and my arms are so awkward that I've started covering them with tattoos."
His friends all felt sadness run over them at the idea that Ethan pointed out all insecurities one person could have.
"You aren't fat, mate," JJ stated firmly. "You've made so much progress from what you did look like."
"I look in the mirror and I still look like what I did three years ago," Ethan growled. "I'm still the fat kid who doesn't have any other personality trait apart from the fact that I'm fat."
Josh frowned at his friend. "I get it. I didn't have as big as a transformation as you but to fat kid from the other fat kid, I get it. Sometimes, you look in the mirror and you feel like you've made no progress at all, or too little progress. But I promise you that you should feel proud of the progress you've made now."
Everyone looked at the two friends, all of them had been relatively fit all their life or when they did gain weight, it didn't affect them. They never clicked how much someone could hate themselves even after as big of a transformation.
"Ethan, can't you see how much you've changed?" Tobi asked and, as he was pretty fit all his life, he had a fast metabolism, and he would never fully grasp the idea of not liking any mind-blowing changes that you make to yourself.
"It's not enough, the skin is still hanging off me. Every time I look in the mirror, I see the fat guy I've been for the past ten years." Ethan sighed. "It makes me want to vomit. How could I let myself become so disgusting? I'll never be good enough."
"You're good enough no matter what size," Simon affirmed. "No matter what you look like. As long as you stay true to yourself I don't care."
Ethan rolled his eyes and stayed silent, he couldn't be bothered to argue back. What was the point? All he does is ruin every situation so why should he argue again?
"I think you're handsome," Harry said honestly. "You're the most handsome one out of all of us."
Ethan ignored his friend's comment, unable to understand how his friends could perceive him in any way that wasn't a horrible and gross man.
"Can we stop talking about it please?" Ethan whispered, tired eyes watching his friends. They all nodded softly.
The group all started doing more activities with Ethan, eager to show their support during hard times. Simon would go to Ethan's flat and help him clean up. After Ethan had mentioned to the lads that sometimes he couldn't find the energy to do anything and that life seemed to go by faster then he was aware of, Simon decided that every Monday and Thursday, he would help Ethan out with basic chores. Ethan insisted that he didn't have to clean up but seeing his friend so enthusiastic about cleaning wasn't something he wanted to ruin. A weight was lifted off his chest when he realised that he didn't have to live in a dirty environment due to the fact he couldn't find any energy to clean because Simon was there to help.
"You don't have to clean after me, Si."
"I enjoy it though! It helps you out and I like doing it. It's fine honestly."
JJ encouraged Ethan to go to the gym with him. It started twice a week because Ethan wouldn't get out of bed otherwise. It started with JJ encouraging Ethan to go on a run with him, and then into the private rooms of the gym, and then the normal gym. JJ let Ethan go at his own pace for things before slowly going faster and adding more to his workouts. JJ made sure to emphasise that it was okay that Ethan wasn't as good as him but that he should keep trying. Ethan felt a great sense of achievement every time JJ pointed something out that he did well. Ethan didn't tell JJ explicitly how much he helped but JJ knew, he always knew.
"Jide, I can't do it. I'm so weak compared to you."
"Mate you got to 70KGs. That's something to be proud of. You are not weak at all."
Josh showed up every few days and sorted out every one of Ethan's emails and business calls that Ethan couldn't find himself to sort out. Ethan got a lot of letters and emails from potential sponsors and his managers. Josh helped Ethan sort through them, taking business calls that Ethan got too much anxiety from. The two of them sat at the table as Ethan sorted out whether or not he wanted to get involved with sponsorships or how to reply. Ethan often told Josh that he was the best at organising and so Josh came forward to help him sort everything out. Ethan was usually relatively organised but he couldn't find it in himself to sort business stuff out. Josh pulled through with emails and helped Ethan sorting through his mail. Ethan would have been in a lot of shit if Josh hadn't helped, a weight was lifted off his shoulders.
"So GymShark want you to promote a few new items, I've had that be sorted to deliver for next Tuesday."
"Thank you, Josh, I couldn't do this without you."
Harry's way of helping as he came over to Ethan's flat he helped Ethan with some self-care. Both Harry and Ethan would sit on the sofa with facemasks and a movie on TV. Harry would order food and tell Ethan to have a bath. Harry and Ethan would sit on the sofa and, if Ethan wanted to, they would talk about whatever was on their minds. If not, they'd chat shit and Ethan would listen to Harry rant about something stupid. Ethan would smile and feel all his worrying thoughts float away as he listened to the younger rant about whatever he wanted.
"And then she said I was being ridiculous, can you believe that?"
"Careful, Harry, you're smudging the facemask."
Vik often asked Ethan to go out with him. Whether it was shopping for groceries or just for a walk, Vik always offered for Ethan to come along. And if Ethan didn't want to, Vik would pick up the usual shopping for him, supplying him with necessities. Ethan would try and use the items that Vik brought but when Ethan couldn't find the energy to get out of bed, Vik would come round and cook him food. On other days, Ethan would go out with Vik on small days out to the aquarium or zoo. Although it wasn't his kind of day out, hearing Vik talk about his week grounded Ethan in a way he couldn't describe.
"I got a few videos edited yesterday so I'm ahead of schedule if you need any help."
"I'd appreciate the help, Vik, thank you."
Compliments were where Tobi shined. He would send daily compliments to Ethan and, when they saw each other in person, he would compliment Ethan more. Although the other's did compliment Ethan, Tobi went out of his way to come up with something original every time and think outside the box. It started with small things, an outfit or video idea, and then snowballed into much more. Tobi would compliment the way Ethan held himself or a personality trait Ethan had. He would also hype him up on social posting pictures of the two of them with heartfelt captions and compliments.
"I love the way you see things, gives us a better perspective."
The fans were confused with the sudden appreciation for Ethan going around on social media. Ethan felt loved by his friends which were a big change in his original depressed thoughts. Depression didn't leave hi straight away and it wouldn't ever but his friends helped him out of most depressed holes that came his way. Ethan wouldn't get better overnight and they knew that, so each day they would remind him how precious he is and he was worth it. And, after a while, Ethan started to believe it too.
