#behavior is data

I had a situation where someone began to exhibit unhealthy dependence. It’s resolved now, but it’s worth highlighting for anyone who might be feeling “off” around someone and can’t quite articulate why.

To start: I am fucking busy. From five a.m. to midnight. Like Cyrus from Trailer Park Boys: “Fuck off, I got work to do.”

This isn’t new. It’s been this way for months.

People who’ve asked for beta reads know this. People I collaborate with know this. People in my servers know this. The person I’m describing knew this.

It’s not a secret. I’m extremely open about it.

And if I’m not busy, I’m dealing with a chronic pain attack. Cluster headaches, specifically. These are no joke. They’re one of the most painful conditions known to medical science and are poorly understood. Seriously, after spending the day in the ER at 14, a doctor burst into the room, plopped his ass unceremoniously onto a rolling stool, and said, “Congratulations, you have cluster headaches, or as we like to call them, suicide headaches. Meet your new best friend!” My life has been an escalating grab bag of rescue meds ever since. I’d rather have a migraine ad infinitum than another month-long cluster.

But throughout all this goddamn busyness, this person would message me snippets, world-building notes, lore, ideas, etc. Stuff I genuinely enjoyed seeing, but, ya know, I’m busy. And sometimes, not wanting to leave them unread forever because I cared about them, I’d skim and give them what scraps of energy I had left. Sometimes, that meant a simple “aww, cute!” or something not fully attuned.

Apparently, that meant I was “distant.” “Walled off.” “No longer warm like I used to be.” “No longer interested.” Surely, I must be rejecting them, right? Because the reality—that I was simply, predictably fucking busy—wasn’t sufficient.

And just to highlight the hypocrisy: this same person started bulldozing me in conversations, immediately pivoting to themselves the second I shared a win and had the unmitigated audacity to say “same tho” when I brought it up.

This, dear reader, is unhealthy dependence. And if you are finding yourself in a similar situation, heed the warning: It can become co-dependence if you let them pull you into a caretaker role. But it doesn’t have to cross over to that if you have firm boundaries.

And yes, sometimes that’s easier said than done. No good person wants to know their friend is hurting.

I struggled to be firm until far later than I should have. I avoided the caretaker role, but I was still too permissive.

If you find yourself in this situation, the best thing you can do is reiterate your boundaries. Be firm, not harsh.

In my situation, what I should have said was:

“I hear that my perceived distance is impacting you. As we discussed earlier, I have a very full schedule. I am not rejecting you, but I do not have the time right now to give you my full attention.”

Do not apologize here. You’re not doing anything wrong by living your life without orbiting someone else. (I personally am still working on this.)