I neither embrace beginnings, nor shun them. The idea of new opportunities and experiences creates a ripple effect of shivers throughout my entire body. Yet at the same time, the matter of change leaves me clinging to the end of the last chapter for dear life. At this current point in my life, I look back and think high school was far too easy of a time. It's filled with its highs and lows, but at the end of the day, for the most part, you knew where you were headed next.
Once that cap and gown is off and hanging in your closet, you're on your own, no more guiding hands. You may be starting a job or going off to school, but who knows where either of those will really lead. You might just be simply laying about watching reruns of Boy Meets World while scarfing down potato chips, hoping that the next one you crunch into will spur on a thought process that leads you to actually knowing what it is you want to do with your life. To the people who were born knowing what their purpose in life was, congratulations (and may I add this in the nicest, most flattering way possible- fuck you).
I'm entering my fourth semester of college in less than a week, and I still have absolutely no clue what my future holds, despite what information my psychic provided me with this summer- shout out to you Lauren Rainbow. So far I've changed my major twice, moved back home, and settled into the funkiest of funks wondering what it is thats wrong with me.
It's coming to accept that there is nothing wrong is what's the hard part. I've tried to blame this discombobulation on everything from my birth control pill to a delayed onset of a mental disorder. I don't like surprises, and I can't stand when things are beyond my control. Both are terrible little glitches in my system that I'm trying to overcome. Of three things I'm certain- I want to create, love, and be happy.
So with that new mantra in mind, I've decided that this nutcase version of my former self needs to be melted down and reshaped. Instead of desperately trying to view life as a color-by-number page out of a child's coloring book, I need to embrace it for the canvas it is. Many colors and patterns are going to appear, some that I will paint and others that will secure a spot on that pure white regardless if they are wanted or not.
This new space of mine will document this approach, serve as my inspiration, and help me work towards a goal. If you have somehow found your way to my chaotic tiny space in this vast cornucopia of incredible writers, photographers, bloggers, and dreamers, you are gladly invited to ride this wave with me. Welcome to my new beginning.
