#becausehiships

As he’s watching the photos and videos flash across the screen within the import to his hard drive, it’s as though he’s watching a chronological movie of his whole life.  Every single moment that he once thought to be important enough to document reflects for a split second, glaring back at his reflection he sees against the sunlight of the window behind him.

Every person in every picture is familiar and a complete stranger, and holy shit they’ve all come so far since Darren’s start on the show.  Baby faces and grins, the billions of photos from hanging out on tour, selfies that weren’t classified as such yet on duck boats and in front of royal living quarters and decked out in pointed black hats in Salem, and later at sushi restaurants and Disneyland and whoever’s house.  Pictures of a baby-young Chris taking his first shot somewhere in the midwest, pictures of Ashley and Dianna posing in second-hand prom dresses they found in a vintage shop in Brooklyn, the Zurich sky, the Eiffel Tower.  Dublin.  A group photo dressed as Cheerios, Darren blowing out birthday candles with Chris grinning at him in the background before they were totally good again.  A video of Chris doing Single Ladies on tour.  Warbler rehearsal.

Darren leans back in his chair and covers his wet eyes with one hand.  He feels flushed and dizzy and all alone.  Cooper appears and sits beneath Chris’ desk, staring at him through the glass top.

“Okay, Coop.  I’ll take you in a minute.”

He navigates to his iTunes shamelessly and scrolls to the exact four minutes and fifty-seven seconds that he needs to hear right now.  He crosses the room and turns on the bluetooth stereo system on the top of their dresser.  He comes back to his computer and hits play.  Lea’s voice floods the apartment, and he sits underneath the desk with Cooper, hugging the only thing that will let him right now.  The dog grins and bears it, wagging his tail softly.  Man’s best friend.

Glee has given him so much opportunity, a chance at fateful and unconditional love, friends and lovers that have since turned into family.   Even if no one has really reached out to Chris or Darren since they found each other again, they all have a special bond that only those on the inside looking out will ever understand.  It’s a connection that will remain for the rest of their lives.

He loses it at more than trophies on a shelf because God, that’s so fucking true.  He wrote the damn song and he doesn’t realize the thing that he took away from the experience is the new shape of his career, his life, his heart.

Darren sobs in the midst of pushing Cooper off of his lap, the dog glaring back at him before stalking away to spitefully pee on the rug near the laundry room and Darren can’t bring himself to care.  Not now.

He lets the song fade out as he climbs in bed and hugs a pillow, crying silent flowing tears that stream down the bridge of his nose as they fall to their death.  Nearly three years to the day and it finally hits him.  He feels like such a douchebag for not getting emotional at any point before right this second.<br /> Those days were sacred and irreplaceable but most of all, over.

Shaking his head, he attempts to snap himself out of it once and for all.  It’s not fair that he’s crying about it when it’s old news; it’s not fair that he’s sad about any of it because he would trade it all in a million times if he could still wind up with Chris in the end.

He hears the door’s lock hitch; he hears footsteps in the foyer and a distinct, “Oh Coop!  What’d you do?  Dare?”

He doesn’t trust his voice so he waits until Chris can figure out the fact that he’s right around the corner.  Eventually, he’s welcomed by a tilted head and a very confused expression.

“What happened?”

Darren turns his neck to look at Chris.  “Glee’s really over.”

Chris looks startled and laughs but cuts himself off when Darren continues to stare, wet eyelashes and puffy red cheeks to boot.

“Oh, honey.  Did it just hit you?”  Chris rushes around the back of the couch and gathers Darren in his arms.

“I owe my whole life to that stupid show, Chris.  My whole life.”

“You would have found your career without Ryan Murphy.”

“Would I have found you?”

Chris lets out a larger than life sigh and curls his lips into the childish smirk Darren loves.  “I would have still been in Clovis without Glee.  I imagine I’d be the assistant manager of a Best Buy.  So no, probably not.”

Darren nods and kisses him, a brush of lips hardly enough to enunciate his gratitude for this perfect moment between the two of them.  “I love you so much, Colfer.”

He’s faced with a genuinely concerned, nervous look on Chris’ beautiful face.  “Dare…”

“Shhhh, just hold me.”

“That, I can do.”  Chris rubs a palm up and down Darren’s forearm, ignoring the fur babies to take care of his boyfriend.  “I love you.  But honestly, why did it just hit you?  How?  It’s been...”

Darren shrugs.  “I dunno.  Just looking at pictures.  Hey, what did you take from set?”

Chris giggles.  “Oh.  I don’t remember.”

“Shut up.  Of course you remember.”  Darren smiles and pats the couch under them.

“Fine.”  Chris combs through Darren’s curls and looks out into space as he thinks.  “I took… the hippo broach, a pair of pants from the last episode, Pavarotti’s bedazzled pencil box casket, because I actually spent time and effort on that. Oh, and I got you.”

“Me?”

“I took miniscule little things that, in the grand scheme of things, meant nothing.  Because the prize I got was so much better than your couch or Cory’s jersey, or Santana’s Cheerio skirt.”  Chris nuzzles Darren’s neck.  “What was the line?  We didn’t need to win any stupid show choir competition singing a break up song.  Because we won so much more than that.  What’s the line!”

Darren grins and straightens his posture, slipping into Blaine one last time.  “We did win.  We got each other out of this.  That’s better than any trophy, don’t you think?”

“I ask you to walk the dog once while I’m gone, maybe pick up some milk while you’re on your way home, and nothing.  But you can remember one measly line from like, your fourth episode ever.”

“Certain important things stick.  When I was memorizing that script, I saw so many… I thought about you a lot back then.”

“And now?”

“I want to make sure Christopher will have something to eat if he doesn’t like the Kaldereta.”

“Oh!  I’ll be fine.  Really. If I can stomach Darren’s cooking, I can eat anything.”

Darren looks at him and raises an eyebrow.  “Do you even know what Kaldereta is, Colfer?”

Chris glances down into the pot full of brownish-red, simmering sauce on the stove.  He was pretty sure he could pick out the smell of a few of the spices Darren kept in their own cabinet and onion, but beyond that he had no earthly idea.  “I’m guessing meat of some kind?  Onions?”

Darren laughs at the clear thoughts swimming around in Chris’ head.  He comes up behind Chris and kisses beneath his ear.  “Goat meat and liver.”

Chris feels his stomach clench and he tries to school his face into a look that is a little less horrified and green for Darren’s mother’s benefit, without much luck.  “Oh… It… Uhh.”

“Darren Everett!”  Cerina snaps her towel against Darren’s leg.  “Get out.  It is not goat meat, Amang.  It’s just beef.”

Darren grabs his drink glass off of the counter and laughs like he is honestly that most amusing creature in the world as he takes his seat at the table again.  Chris shoots him a pointed glare over his shoulder.  This is the first time Darren’s family has all been over to the apartment since Chris has been back, and Darren seems hell-bent on doing something to embarrass him.

“I’m sure it will be amazing.”  He gives Cerina a little smile that she misses because she is entirely focused on her sauce.  “At least some of us are helping!”  He raises his voice without turning away from the chicken breast he is cutting into even cubes.

“Me and Chuck are helping tame your wild image on Tumblr.”

That brings Chris to spin around.  “Darren, if you are posting stuff on the damn website...”

“We don’t post anything!  We just like to look.”  Chuck chimes in without his eyes on anything but the scrolling computer screen.  “Oh, shit.  Dare, look at this one!”

Chris tries not to let his face show any sign of curiosity when both brothers bend their heads closer together over the laptop screen and matching wicked grins spread across their faces.

“My boyfriend totally wants to know what picture we’re staring at.”  Darren flickers his eyes up to Chris, who looks away just as quickly.

“I honestly couldn't care less, you idiot.” Chris goes back to his cutting board and tries to block out the loud snickering from behind him.

“No, wait.  I think you should see this one.  Please?”

Chris sighs heavily.  He’ll never understand Darren’s (and Chuck’s, for that matter) fascination with a website comprised of predominantly sexually frustrated fangirls. He wipes his gooey hands off on a dish towel.  “What is it this time?  Are we astronauts?  Half raccoon?  Do I have any tentacles growing out of strange places?”  

Darren tilts his head, staring harder at the screen.  

“Oh.”

Chris walks behind Chuck and Darren and yelps when the picture on the screen comes into focus.  “Darren!  Oh my God.”  There, teasingly on the screen, is a moving drawing of a very intimate moment in which a piece of said drawing disappears into another piece of it.  “What the hell is wrong with you?”

Chris’ hands fumble to slam the top of the laptop down, while Darren laughs hysterically, struggling to hold it open.  “We are so trying that sometime.”

“I’m not sure if either one of you are that limber, kids.”  Chuck leans back in his chair with a loud laugh and reaches for his beer bottle on the table.

“Your mother is standing ten feet away.  Can you please stop trying to embarrass me now?  This is all so immature.”  Chris gives up the fight and folds his arms defensively over his chest.

“And Mama knows what two, consenting adults do together.  She made two perfect children, after all.”

“Oh my God.  Please, Darren.”  Chris turns to him and stares at him, utterly broken and freaking out.  He hopes he comes off the as the epitome of humiliation.

“Well, she made one perfect child and one hell of an annoying mistake.”  Chuck shoves Darren away from the laptop, and closes out of the browser window for poor Chris’ benefit.

Chris crosses the kitchen and goes back to dicing the chicken.  Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Cerina quietly giggling under her breath and he can’t help but smile broadly at her.

With the insanity that made up their schedules, he and Darren hadn’t had a lot of time to spend with either of their families in the few months previously to today.  There were movies to film, new roles, long hours in Midtown basement recording studios, and none of that allowed them even quality time to see each other, let alone anyone else they love.  The precious time that they did find was usually greedily hoarded away and guarded from any and every thing the outside world could throw at them.  Even after almost a year together, Chris is insanely protective of their personal lives.

But this gorgeous, golden lit afternoon is an exception.  Darren’s parents were in town for a few days of grandchildren spoiling and relaxation, and Cerina and Darren’s older brother gathered at the apartment to eat dinner and convince Darren’s mom that none of her boys were wasting away in starvation, while Grandpa stayed up in Westchester with the runts.  The thought that he, himself, might be one of Cerina’s boys now fills him with a kind of skin tingling warmth and comfort that he can’t help but feel when the air around him is so saturated with laughter and ease.  There are no tense silences of passive judgements here.  It’s nice, easy.  He can’t help but wonder, as he stirs the food in the pan in front of him, what it would have been like to grow up in a family like this one.  He cuts the thought process short.  He’s done with looking back.  Chris is here now, and this is exactly where he wants to be.

Cerina takes over the frying and the stirring and the concocting; she tells Chris to go relax with the boys.  He smiles at her, rinses off his hands, and picks up Brian, totally ignoring Darren and Chuck, and heading into the living room.  He switches on the television and starts browsing Netflix aimlessly.  

Chris doesn’t make it past three screens of options before Darren is flopping down next to him, slinging a heavy arm over his shoulder, and disrupting the cat from his lap.

“Move, beast.  My Chris.”

“You are so cruel.”

“I’m not cruel, I’m territorial.  He gets hair all over my pillow, and it’s not cool, man!”  Darren tilts his head to one side and directs his voice towards the grumpy feline glaring up at him from the floor.  

“Brian loves you, though.  He wouldn’t sleep on your pillow if he didn’t like your scent.”

Darren’s eyebrows crinkle closer together.  “I don’t know if I find that kinda sweet or really fucking creepy.  Either way…”  He pulls his legs up to tuck them underneath his body and nuzzles his head into the side of Chris’ neck.  Chris can feel Darren’s lips stretched into a grin against his skin.  “My Chris right now.”

Chris looks at Darren then back to the screen.  “Downton or Orange?”

“I thought we agreed that I passed that particular test?  The correct answer is whatever you want to watch.”

Chris can hear Darren’s mother laugh loudly from where she stands over the stove.  “You’re training him!”

Chris smirks.  “It’s been a tedious, hard fought battle.  We’re almost there.”

Chuck either begins to choke the words “dick whipped” from where he is pulling up pictures on the computer, or he bit into one of the chillies Chris had sliced a while ago.

“I’m still in the room!”  Darren pulls away from Chris’ side with a dejected look.  “Brian can just have you back then, asshole.”

“Nuh uh.  My Darren.”  Chris kicks out with one long leg, pinning Darren down onto the couch and scooting closer across the cushions.  “Besides, I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but Brian has become a two owner cat.  I caught him looking for you the other day.  Once a cat starts looking for you to operate the can opener, that’s a lifelong commitment.  You’re pretty much stuck.”

Darren’s lips twitch with the desire to break back out into a wide grin.  “Well, damn.  The cat says I’m stuck.”

“Dammit, Darren.  I was so mad at you three minutes ago.  Stop.”

Darren’s eyes go wide and innocent.  “Don’t blame me for being irresistibly adorable!  Blame that woman in there, she hatched me.  Hey, Ma!”  Darren calls out over the back of the couch.  “Chris is mad at you!”

Chris yanks Darren’s body back down and puts his head on Darren’s shoulder.  “Dare, I’m serious.  I really don’t want to mess this up and you need to stop humiliating me in front of your family.  Please.”

Darren traces the frowning lines around Chris’ mouth with two fingers.  “I’m just playing with you.  That’s what my family does.  They adore you.”

“Ease me into it, then.  This isn’t exactly… what I’m used to, and I am freaking out a little here.  This may be how you interact with your family, but that’s not the case with me.  So can you please cut me some slack here?”

Darren’s face turns serious, but his eyes locked onto Chris’ face are still soft and full of so much unspeakable emotion that it almost makes Chris want to back away.  Even now.  “I’ll behave myself.  But you remember that every person here loves you, alright?”

“I love you.”  Caught up in the jewel-like amber and greens in Darren’s eyes, Chris leans forward to press his lips against his, until he’s startled away by the sound of dishes moving in the kitchen.  He licks at his bottom lip nervously.  “Should we be in there?  Are we being rude right now?”

“Nah, I’m pretty much banned from the kitchen when my mother is around.  You start one little fire trying to make mac and cheese when you’re nine and the shit follows you for life.”

Chris laughs loudly, as if it bubbles out of him unexpectedly and fiercely.  He looks at Darren and rushes into the kitchen with all his fear of not being accepted in the pit of his stomach.  “Chuck!  Tell me the mac and cheese story.”

Darren’s brother looks up from staring dazedly at the pictures of his two-year old on the computer screen.  “Oh, uh are we talking about the fire mac and cheese story or the time that Darren stopped eating anything else for a month or two?”

“Of course you have two mac and cheese stories.”  Chris sits at the table.  “First tell me the one about how my boyfriend set boiling water on fire.”

Darren groans while walking back into the room, scratching sheepishly at the back of his head.  “I was home by myself and got hungry, so I just dumped the box of noodles into a pot with some water and I kinda forgot about it and went to take a snooze on the couch.”

Chris smirks.  “You said you were nine?  Surely, you knew all about evaporation by then.”  

Cerina makes a quiet tsking noise from across the kitchen.  “You could have killed yourself, Pogi.  I don’t think this story is funny at all.”

Chuck’s head turns away from the laptop.  “Oh, it’s funny.  Darren was grounded for a month, which means they took his Playstation and guitars away.  And mom got to remodel the kitchen.”

“Of course.  Your guitars.  When you were nine.”

“I was a very advanced nine year old!”  Darren shoves at Chris and saunters over to pick at the food his mother is currently dishing up.  “Besides, you’re one to talk.  You were a statewide debate champion when you were what?  Ten?”

“Fifteen, idiot.  I am very passionate about the issues of the world.”

Chris watches as Cerina smacks at Darren’s arm with a dirty mixing spoon, causing him to jerk it back with a frown. “No, you just like to argue.  You’re great at it.”

“I don’t know if I should take that as a compliment or not.”

Chuck pulls his phone out.  “Aw.  Look at this.  This kid is the most adorable little girl in the world, right?  Connor’s sleeping, so no pics of the mini-me, Dare.  Sorry.”  

Behind him Darren shrugs, while Cerina loudly and readily agrees.  Chris smiles at the picture politely and looks at the toothy grin of the toddler. If he was being honest, he tended to think most kids looked alike and were strange, alien little creatures.  “She’s precious.”

“I’m precious!”  Darren pipes up over their shoulders.

“No, you’re arrogant.” Chris is quick to counter.  Maybe there’s still some debate team champ left in him, after all. Chris snuffs down the urge to call Darren a few more choice names with a tight smile, and sits down beside to Chuck to look at about a thousand and one nearly identical photographs of Darren’s niece.

“You better be next, boys.”  Cerina cheerily exclaims.  “I’ve always wanted-”

Chris feels the bile in his throat, can taste his stomach’s acid coming up to play.  He must turn as white as a ghost; his legs feel like lead but he manages to get up and rush into the bedroom while muttering something like “excuse me” he thinks.

Chris barely catches a glimpse of Darren’s round eyes before he makes his mad dash out of the room, but it was enough to recognize the concern in them.  Chris pulls the door shut behind him and leans back against it, breathing short and erratic breaths.  He can distantly register Darren’s voice rising and falling from back in their kitchen, but Chris’ mind is whirling with too much blind panic to even begin to try and eavesdrop.  The simple act of moving in with Darren a few months ago, was by far the largest and most profound act of commitment that he has ever willing stepped into.  He’s learning, but it’s a process.  The thought of anything beyond that… No.

“Babe?”  Darren knocks lightly on the bedroom door.

“I’m fine!”  He isn’t.  His voice is high and shot through with panting breaths.

“You’re not.  Can I come in?”

Chris can’t very well deny Darren entry to the bedroom that they have shared for almost a year.  He moves his body away from the door and turns the knob slowly.  

Darren stands still and worried looking on the other side.

“I’m fine. Go… go talk to your family.”

Darren pushes through and sits on their bed.  “She didn’t mean anything by it.”

“I...” Chris wrings his fingers into a tight knot before he catches himself and shakes his hands out by his sides.  He’s been making such a conscientious effort to lower his anxious mannerisms lately and, for the most part, it’s been working.  Though usually he isn’t confronted with the idea of something as utterly terrifying as full on adulthood, as children..

“Dare.”

“I know.  Shhh, we don’t have to talk about it.”  Darren gathers Chris’ head into his arms and kisses Chris’ hair.

Chris draws in long breaths and allows the scent of Darren’s aftershave and their brand of fabric softener to fill his lungs and his rapidly beating heart.  It takes a few moments, but it works.  He feels the iron bands surrounding his chest release and he can breathe in and out freely again.

“I love you so much and if we decide we need to house forty-seven cats instead of children, I will be right there with you.  Okay?”

Still too afraid to look at anything else, Chris shakes his head against Darren’s shoulder.  “Your mom just said-”

“Maybe Mom needs to mind her own business.”

“Darren, that’s your mother. C’mon.  We both know that’s not about to happen.”  Chris looks up into Darren’s eyes and even manages a tiny one-sided smirk.

“Look at you, beautiful.”  Darren tilts his head and wipes Chris’ tears away.  “You just let it carry you away, that emotion?”

Letting out a frustrated groan, Chris twists himself away from Darren’s arms and hastily mops at his wet face with his shirt.  He hates getting all bent out of shape over things that most people his age would just laugh or shrug off, it just isn’t who he is.

“Do you believe me when I say that I want you to be it?  Does that scare you?”

Chris sits down on the edge of their bed, still twisting the cotton of his pale blue button down with his fingers.  “A lot of things scare me.  You’re not one of them.  But that out there…”

Darren sits down beside him, not touching, but close.  “That out there was what?”

Chris’ lips twist tight.  “If you were with… other people, that might be something you were thinking about.” Chris doesn’t say a woman, he doesn’t need to.  “I don’t want that to become a thing with your family like I know it is with my mom and me.”

Darren’s brows fury together and his eyes become wet.  “Chris, can I tell you something without you getting… offended, I guess?”

That causes Chris to look up, one eyebrow quirking upwards.  “When has that ever stopped you before?”

“This is a serious conversation.  I can control myself through these.”  Darren takes Chris’ hand and rubs his thumb across knuckles.  “Your parents… the way they think?  It makes me want to hurt them, like, really badly sometimes.  Obviously, I grin and bear it.  They’re really… for her to say that to you… I’m so sorry, baby.  I’m so sorry you had to grow up like that.”

Chris shakes his head, the old as time need to defend the very people who had at times made him feel like an outsider in his own family rising up in him like a tidal wave.  An old leftover response from his younger years.  “It’s not one specific thing anyone ever said, Dare.  It was just… comments and a lot of tiny insinuations handed out one by one over the years.  I know that I’m not exactly the son anyone envisions when they start a family.  I guess I can’t blame them for having a few small disappointments about things that will never happen because of my sexuality.  It’s human nature.”  He ends with a weak one armed shrug.

“But you can have babies.  That are yours.  If you want.  You shouldn’t have to live up to their expectations and I hate that you still feel the need to.”

“I don’t know if that’s ever going to be in the cards for me or not.  It’s just not something I’ve ever given much thought to.  I mean, my own childhood?  It kinda sucked.  I’m not about to wish that on anyone.  I like kids, hell, I write entire books for kids, but that’s mainly because I still feel like one myself.  Does that make sense?  That I can be a certifiable, card carrying, old guy and still a kid at the same time?”

“You are not your parents, Chris.  We don’t need to talk about this now, but I want to have kids one day in the future.  But it’s not a game changer if the person I spend my life with isn’t interested.”

Darren’s hand lies sideways on his thigh, fingers curled in invitation and Chris takes it, threading them in between his own.  “It seems that most of our big conversations happen when we’re not quite ready for them, just like almost everything else in my life.  I’m starting to get sickeningly used to it to tell you the truth.”

“We deal with it as we go.  That’s my favorite thing about this.”

“Your favorite thing is that we have no idea what we’re doing?  Really?”  He can’t help but shake his head and give Darren’s hand a tight squeeze and release.

“Uh huh.  It makes me love you more when we’re under pressure of not knowing one damn thing.  It’s our own personal fairy tale that’s never been written before.”

“Be careful, you’re talking to a writer.  The unwritten is kind of like crack for us.”

“So write about us.  I’ll actually read that one before the signing.”

Chris laughs and straightens up off of the side of the bed.  A glance in the mirrored closet door tells him that his face is red and hopelessly swollen around his eyes.  “Shit.”

“See how devastatingly gorgeous you are, Colfer?  It breaks my heart on the daily.”

He catches Darren’s gaze in the mirror.  “You are so full of it sometimes. “  He sighs and starts unbuttoning his tear-stained shirt to change before he has to go back out there and face Darren’s mom and brother again.  He pulls a dresser drawer open and begins sifting through for another shirt.  “So does your mom think I’m insane now or just dangerously allergic to the b-word?”

Darren laughs loudly.  “I just literally said that you were allergic.  We’re rubbing off of each other.”  Darren winks and disappears into the bathroom and returns just as quickly with a cold washcloth.  

Chris smirks, pulling a soft, worn cotton tee shirt on over his head.  “I’ll pass on the rubbing joke.  But you’re going to have to give her some kind of explanation for you running in here after me or else she will think we just had a quickie with her and your brother in the apartment.”

“I’ll clear it up.  Are you sure you’re okay?”  Darren props his arms up on Chris’ shoulders and joins his own hands together behind Chris.  

Chris nods and pecks Darren softly on the cheek.  “I’ll be fine.  Please go out there and smooth things over while I try to make myself look a little less mentally unstable, okay?”

“We’re your family now, Colfer.  It’s okay to look a little crazy in front of family.”  Darren grins into a kiss.  “Come find me whenever you feel comfortable.”  He disappears.

Chris follows Darren to the door, shutting it with a soft click behind him.  His forehead falls forward to rest against the cool wooden surface, and he sighs, shoulders and posture slumping with the breath.

Every new step that take together feels more uphill and disorientating than the last.  But maybe that’s just how things were always going to be for the two of them.  The way they met wasn’t normal, they way they were torn apart wasn’t.  The way he came literally falling back into Darren’s life through a dressing room door into a land of glitter and rock and roll certainly wasn’t your everyday love story, yet they’re making it work.