anyway back to being a princezam main her anger is so refreshing like seriously. she's built up this backlog of sacrifice and humility from the beginning of the server, forgiving anyone every time something hurt her, brushing it aside because there were more important things than how she felt. when you spend all your time in service to others, never taking anything for yourself, your anger feels disgusting when it's targeted at other people, because what right do you have when they matter so much more than you?
but she actually allowed herself to feel it this time. to remember every time she made a choice (no matter how knee jerk it was) with the information she had at the time, and realizes that maybe, there is a point in seeing herself as worthy of feeling angry about the unfairness of it.
that she can give and give and it just never seems to matter when everyone just turns around at the first mistake and hurts her.
and one of the reasons her relationships are as unbalanced as they are is because she hates herself and what shes done, so what is someone like her even worth being upset about. thats why mane is so confused why she wont do anything. that's what derap wanted to fix in her. because this is lifesteal. you get wronged, you fight someone for it.
zam talked about how cycles are important in lifesteal, about how if you disagree with someone, you fight them, etc. about how this season felt so wrong because the other side never lost. but she doesn't even realize how much of the cycle she was breaking by taking everything that came at her and moving on like it never mattered, even though it hurt her to be ignored for all the effort shes done to be good. to try and be helpful. to be hurt by everyone and killed and kicked while shes down and not let herself feel any of it because she deserves it, right? shes done so much bad so she deserves to feel so terrible that she'll kill herself to make it easier for everyone, right?
but now shes letting herself feel it all, and i just think shes grown a lot more than she thinks, even if she stumbles here and there.
