"Maybe"
(Also some of these may trigger you so please be careful when you read)
"I think one of the worst feelings is having a bunch of people in your life, but being lonely, because you know they don't really want you around. And being okay with it cause you know you aren't much anyway."
"I hate it, you know hurting one of the most important people in your life but not knowing what you did, so they just kinda stop talking to you as much and you have no idea how to fix it or make it right, because you don't even know what you fucking did."
"I need you a lot and I apologize for my needy self, I'm not easy and I am a lot of work. I come with a lot of baggage and trauma, I can be selfish and an asshole, I can be cruel and mean, I can be insensitive and cold sometimes, I can be arrogant and cocky. But I promise one thing if I love you I do it with my whole heart."
"Listen I need a lot of reassurance, I don't say this though cause I am not good with vulnerability and feelings, in fact I don't know how to do them even. I fear abandonment and being replaced, and if I feel they you are moving on I may become cold because I am hurt."
"I hate feeling hurt and like my heart is being torn apart slowing, I overthink to the point I make myself sick, I don't sleep much these days, well at least not well. I don't eat much and everyone worries but idk I just don't want to, it makes me sick and. Maybe I do enjoy self destruction."
"Everyone always told me you aren't strong enough for this, you aren't enough, you don't have it in you. Well apparently I did and little do they know I've been living in hell so I do have it in me because everyday I have to give everything I have and be stronger then I should have to."
"I always thought 17 would be the age where I would feel like I made it, but it's not in fact I think it's been one of the worst and hardest ages I have been and I haven't even been 17 for month yet, hahahaha. Honestly I feel older in these last few months then I ever have."
"I wonder what it's like to not have to worry about calling so many people and figuring out legal stuff and moving out. And having to do it pretty much on your own, calling people and having conversations you don't want to have. Not pulling your hair out from the stress and anxiety, talking about things you shouldn't have til you're actually an adult. Counting your heartbeats because you don't know what else to do. Seeing the bags and darkness under your eyes, and how no one notices. You always notice when they look tired or hurt, when they have bags and dark circles under their eyes, when they look thinner or don't eat much, when they look depressed or sad, but they never notice it about you."
"What's it like holding everything in all the time and waiting for yourself to just explode? They asked. She just looked at them and smiled, it's hell she whispered back but they didn't hear it was so quiet. You don't know when you'll explode, if you'll take it out on someone, if you'll hurt someone, or if you'll even explode or just have more hatred for yourself, you don't know if you'll relapse this time or not. Hell you don't even know if you'll finally give up, you always say your fine because you have no choice but to be, she thought to herself but never said it because she isn't a vulnerable person, she may seem it but in reality she isn't."
"How easy is it for you to ignore me when I am always there for you, with forgiveness and compassion and kindness for you? What's it like to give up on me? What's it like to slowly stop loving me? What's it like to get rid of me? Can you not wait to have me gone? Were you always planning this?, the thing that sucks is I don't have it in me to hate you or really honestly hurt you back, I guess you were right about one thing my sensitivity and gentleness is a weakness in a way, because I can't seem to let go and move on."
"Sometimes I may say to much, not because I want to but because I don't know what else to do because I don't know what other human beings want from me, so if I do just tell me to shut up please because I truly don't know, and don't be afraid of hurting me because I am used to being told to shut up and that I say to much and that people would like me more of I kept my mouth shut more often, also please don't reassure me, it's not what I want or looking for here."
"If you leave me behind, if you leave my life. Please don't come back because I'll let you right back in because I am like that, even if you hurt me a million times and I may act like an ass to you but it's because I know I'll let you back. So if it's the one thing you do for me don't come back, as much as I want you to."
"And that was what she was made of, she was raised on it. Fear, pain, lack of love, nobody really wanting something to do with her, not belonging anywhere no matter how hard she tries to. She grew numb, numb to her parents fighting and saying they hated each other, numb to all of it, to her siblings being there but at the same time not, she always thought for a house so full of people she sure feels alone a lot, she grew numb to her grandparents telling her that her smile wasn't pretty enough and that she wasn't actually that pretty. She got used to crying on her own, to never have anyone comfort her and she didn't think she was worth it or deserved someone to be there anyways, she grew used to knowing she doesn't deserve happiness, she grew used to being the fuck up and the lesser child, the disappointment child, the daughter that failed her parents and the daughter that they didn't want because she wasn't like them. She grew used to her sisters being praised and adored while she was pushed aside and expected to do things herself, she grew used to being left behind and not supported, she grew used to never feeling and being perfect, she grew used to hating herself and her flaws, she grew used to everyone giving up on her and hating her, she grew used to pushing people away and making them leave before she can get attached and they can hurt her. She grew used to having her walls and guard up 24/7 and never truly letting anyone in, and only giving little bits to the people she loved/loves. She doesn't have the courage to give her whole self away, she doesn't know how to do it, she's always afraid in some way, she is living but not living at the same time. So please be patient with her."
"She's always anxious and nervous, you just don't know or notice. She's always at war with herself. She's always tired. She's always done with people's bullshit. She's always scared of you leaving and abandoning her. She's always afraid to open up, so if she does don't take it for granted. She actually expects you to leave her. She doesn't want you to give her false hope's and promises. She doesn't like you to use words of kindness if you don't mean them, she doesn't want you to care if you don't actually mean it. She wants you to tell her if you don't like her, she would rather you say the truth then lead her on. She's fucking tired of the world and it's fakeness."
( should I be writing my fanfiction? Yes. )
( but these were the words that are on my heart today so yeah)















