#bec writez

(Also some of these may trigger you so please be careful when you read)

"I think one of the worst feelings is having a bunch of people in your life, but being lonely, because you know they don't really want you around. And being okay with it cause you know you aren't much anyway."

"I hate it, you know hurting one of the most important people in your life but not knowing what you did, so they just kinda stop talking to you as much and you have no idea how to fix it or make it right, because you don't even know what you fucking did."

"I need you a lot and I apologize for my needy self, I'm not easy and I am a lot of work. I come with a lot of baggage and trauma, I can be selfish and an asshole, I can be cruel and mean, I can be insensitive and cold sometimes, I can be arrogant and cocky. But I promise one thing if I love you I do it with my whole heart."

"Listen I need a lot of reassurance, I don't say this though cause I am not good with vulnerability and feelings, in fact I don't know how to do them even. I fear abandonment and being replaced, and if I feel they you are moving on I may become cold because I am hurt."

"I hate feeling hurt and like my heart is being torn apart slowing, I overthink to the point I make myself sick, I don't sleep much these days, well at least not well. I don't eat much and everyone worries but idk I just don't want to, it makes me sick and. Maybe I do enjoy self destruction."

"Everyone always told me you aren't strong enough for this, you aren't enough, you don't have it in you. Well apparently I did and little do they know I've been living in hell so I do have it in me because everyday I have to give everything I have and be stronger then I should have to."

"I always thought 17 would be the age where I would feel like I made it, but it's not in fact I think it's been one of the worst and hardest ages I have been and I haven't even been 17 for month yet, hahahaha. Honestly I feel older in these last few months then I ever have."

"I wonder what it's like to not have to worry about calling so many people and figuring out legal stuff and moving out. And having to do it pretty much on your own, calling people and having conversations you don't want to have. Not pulling your hair out from the stress and anxiety, talking about things you shouldn't have til you're actually an adult. Counting your heartbeats because you don't know what else to do. Seeing the bags and darkness under your eyes, and how no one notices. You always notice when they look tired or hurt, when they have bags and dark circles under their eyes, when they look thinner or don't eat much, when they look depressed or sad, but they never notice it about you."

"What's it like holding everything in all the time and waiting for yourself to just explode? They asked. She just looked at them and smiled, it's hell she whispered back but they didn't hear it was so quiet. You don't know when you'll explode, if you'll take it out on someone, if you'll hurt someone, or if you'll even explode or just have more hatred for yourself, you don't know if you'll relapse this time or not. Hell you don't even know if you'll finally give up, you always say your fine because you have no choice but to be, she thought to herself but never said it because she isn't a vulnerable person, she may seem it but in reality she isn't."

"How easy is it for you to ignore me when I am always there for you, with forgiveness and compassion and kindness for you? What's it like to give up on me? What's it like to slowly stop loving me? What's it like to get rid of me? Can you not wait to have me gone? Were you always planning this?, the thing that sucks is I don't have it in me to hate you or really honestly hurt you back, I guess you were right about one thing my sensitivity and gentleness is a weakness in a way, because I can't seem to let go and move on."

"Sometimes I may say to much, not because I want to but because I don't know what else to do because I don't know what other human beings want from me, so if I do just tell me to shut up please because I truly don't know, and don't be afraid of hurting me because I am used to being told to shut up and that I say to much and that people would like me more of I kept my mouth shut more often, also please don't reassure me, it's not what I want or looking for here."

"If you leave me behind, if you leave my life. Please don't come back because I'll let you right back in because I am like that, even if you hurt me a million times and I may act like an ass to you but it's because I know I'll let you back. So if it's the one thing you do for me don't come back, as much as I want you to."

"And that was what she was made of, she was raised on it. Fear, pain, lack of love, nobody really wanting something to do with her, not belonging anywhere no matter how hard she tries to. She grew numb, numb to her parents fighting and saying they hated each other, numb to all of it, to her siblings being there but at the same time not, she always thought for a house so full of people she sure feels alone a lot, she grew numb to her grandparents telling her that her smile wasn't pretty enough and that she wasn't actually that pretty. She got used to crying on her own, to never have anyone comfort her and she didn't think she was worth it or deserved someone to be there anyways, she grew used to knowing she doesn't deserve happiness, she grew used to being the fuck up and the lesser child, the disappointment child, the daughter that failed her parents and the daughter that they didn't want because she wasn't like them. She grew used to her sisters being praised and adored while she was pushed aside and expected to do things herself, she grew used to being left behind and not supported, she grew used to never feeling and being perfect, she grew used to hating herself and her flaws, she grew used to everyone giving up on her and hating her, she grew used to pushing people away and making them leave before she can get attached and they can hurt her. She grew used to having her walls and guard up 24/7 and never truly letting anyone in, and only giving little bits to the people she loved/loves. She doesn't have the courage to give her whole self away, she doesn't know how to do it, she's always afraid in some way, she is living but not living at the same time. So please be patient with her."

"She's always anxious and nervous, you just don't know or notice. She's always at war with herself. She's always tired. She's always done with people's bullshit. She's always scared of you leaving and abandoning her. She's always afraid to open up, so if she does don't take it for granted. She actually expects you to leave her. She doesn't want you to give her false hope's and promises. She doesn't like you to use words of kindness if you don't mean them, she doesn't want you to care if you don't actually mean it. She wants you to tell her if you don't like her, she would rather you say the truth then lead her on. She's fucking tired of the world and it's fakeness."

( should I be writing my fanfiction? Yes. )

"That's the problem with always being Strong and Brave, is no one ever thinks maybe they are at the edge and going down, Maybe they aren't as okay as they seem. On the outside they seem like they have it together but do they really?, Maybe being Stong and Brave isn't about having it all together or knowing what to do, not giving. But standing back up and knowing that it's gonna hurt and you're gonna fail, they're gonna fall and break, they're not always going to win, they will relapse and want to give up, and maybe they will give up in a way. But they'll come back, even if it's the last thing left in them, if just standing and taking one step is all they can do. I think that is what it is to be Strong and Brave."

"I know it's hard but you gotta try to make and start becoming who you are"

"How do you forgive someone who never asked to be, who don't think they did anything wrong, who doesn't need you, who never really did, who says they love you but don't show it. How do you forgive someone who doesn't want to be forgiven?"

"When I look at you I think I have a chance at being happy, when I hear your voice or read your words I have hope and feel loved."

"Did you ever actually need me? She asked, was I actually someone you couldn't lose? Was any of it real? Was it even hard to let me go? Did it ever cross your mind that maybe I am not okay? Have you even thought that maybe I am broken once again? Did you think maybe it is you who broke me again and again? Is a parents love really unconditional mom?."

"You know I was thinking the other day about my childhood, and I realized some things I hadn't before, I realized my happiest moments were when I wasn't around my parents, I realized I had a lack of love as a kid, I realized I wanted to dissapear and die as a kid, I realized I wasn't happy as a kid and that's why I truly do not want to go back to my childhood."

"If you don't show signs on the outside a lot of people never notice how much a hard journey truly affects you, they think you have it all together, when truly you do not and you are breaking a little more everyday."

"I will lower my expectations she says, I will stop getting my Hope's up and put them away, I will not expect it to be important anymore she says but she fails at that every time cause deep down she still has hope you love her and she's important to you, that she isn't just a burden and useless to you, that she isn't a failure and a fuck up to you, she thinks maybe just maybe she'll belong in your life, she Hope's that for the first time you'll need her but will that ever come?"

"I think I am losing my mind she whispers to herself, you already lost it a long long time ago they say back and she knows they aren't wrong, but baby crazy and insane are the best and remember what Alice in Wonderland said all the best people are bunkers, my dear you were never sane."

"I'm tired she said, I am tired of fighting, I am tired of being okay and strong, I am tired of faking every fucking smile to make you feel better, I am tired of the anger and hurt, I am tired of being broken by you, I am tired of being manipulated by you, I am tired of being pushed to the side, i am tired of not being even second but tenth because I guess it's that easy to just throw me to the trash, to be thrown to the side, I am tired of living for others and not myself, I am tired of being tired."

"I just wanna sleep, can I sleep?, No you need to overthink every little thing until your head hurts and you can't shut your brain off and you lose more time cause what's the point, you know you don't deserve happiness, you know you aren't enough, do you really think they care about you let alone love you? You know you are unlovable and will destroy it all like you do every time, you aren't meant for relationships because you are not capable of them and in the end you will only ruin and destroy the people you love, you are darkness and pain, you are a girl from hell who brings nothing but sorrow and hurt, in the end they will see your true self and leave, they will be disgusted by you and wonder why you were even born, you know shouldn't have ever been born right? You're to sensitive and gentle to ever be what you need to be and you have let me down by being you, why do you still hope? Why do you bang on the glass when you know no one will hear you?, you're nothing and will always be nothing, your heart is as black and ugly as you think it is more so actually, for who could love you?"

"You know what the worst part is I would have fought for you, I would have given my life for you, done anything for you, I would have loved you till the very end, I would forgive you for anything and everything, I would have taken care of you, I would have bled out for you, I would have been there no matter what, I would be the perfect soldier and daughter you need me to be, I would have broken every part of me to be what you wanted me to be, and the worst part is know who you truly are and that I never mattered to you, well at least not enough and I would still do it all for you all those things, I would still go to the ends of the earth for you mama but you care about that do you? As a kid all I ever wanted was to know you but all you ever did was push me away and left me alone, maybe you didn't realize how many nights I cried myself to sleep because I knew I wasn't what you wanted and I was nothing but a burden, I know you don't like me and I wonder if you love me, I know I will never amount to my siblings who you are so proud of, and the thing is I still love you and want to make you proud and happy, and I can't be mad at you or hate you, hell or even dislike you, all I want is my mom, but you do not want me."

"Please understand that letting you go was no easy task, it broke my heart into a million pieces, it took everything I had, it made me cry and I couldn't breathe, I hesitated a million times before I did as well, and you took a piece of me with you, there are days I think about you and can't get out of bed, I wish it was meant to be but when it's me it never will be."

"I feel guilty for so much but I don't show it cause it would be listed as another weakness and the angel knows I have so many already hahahaha."

"You're so young you shouldn't be so torn and broken, you shouldn't think the world is cold and cruel, you shouldn't have to have walls so high that no one really ever gets in, you shouldn't be tired and done, you shouldn't be so used and manipulated, you shouldn't have to give up and sacrifice so much, you're still technically a kid. They said. - Well I haven't been a kid for a long time if ever really, and I wasn't given a choice, I had to grow up fast and I looked at the world one day and thought wow you're fucked up aren't you?, I have been faking for so long I don't know if when I smile if it's true or just a mechanism that I am so used to faking and that's why, I am think all this because it is what I have seen and witnessed so yeah I am and think all that. She said."

"I can't say I know what a father really is, i never really had one."

"Why are you like this? Why are you so mean and hurtful like you don't care?, why do you destroy, why do you act like things don't hurt? Why do you act like you don't have a heart? Why won't you feel something? They asked. - because that's the thing darling deep down I am kind and gentle, deep down I care way to much, deep down everything hurts and things do hurt me, deep down I have one of the biggest hearts, deep down I feel everything to deeply, deep down I am afraid that people don't like me and that I am not enough, deep down I have been hurt so many times, used so many times and manipulated so many times that I decided to push people away and put up walls so that you will never get the chance to do it to me, deep down i know if I don't do this I will help anyone and give myself away to anyone and I have always been told it is my biggest weakness and mistake being gentle and good that is."

I hope you can understand and I thank you for your patience.