#beauxedward

so I just watched Twilight (2008) for the first time in its entirety after adopting Beau/Edward -life and let me just tell you, with that framing, Eddies dialogue and awkward behavior comes across, to me, so much different, which is to say, gay. To me, he comes across as a closeted gay guy, who has a crush on Beau and really wants to act on it, but is too scared to.

“Look, I’m... I’m sorry I’m rude all the time, I just think it’s the best way.“

“We... we shouldn’t be friends“

“I only said it’d be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t wanna be“

E: “It means if you were smart, you’d stay away from me“ B:“Ok, well, let’s say for arguments sake that I’m not smart. Would you tell me the truth?“ E, looking just the most scared: “No probably not...“ a little more confident: “I’d rather hear your theories.” transl. “I’m too scared, I need you to say it.”

E: “I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.“  translation: “I want you to know about me, I want to be with you, and what I feel for you might even make me want to come out.” B: “Then don’t.” transl.: “I know, I accept you, and I wan’t to be with you too.”

B:“Why did you hate me so much when we met?“ E: “I did. Only for making me want you so badly. I'm still don’t know if I can control myself.”

And this gem: E: I wanted to kill kiss you. I’ve never wanted a human's blood someone so much in my life. I’m dangerous to you us.

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He was not pleased, that much was easy to read in his face. But, without further argument, he took me in his arms and sprang lithely from my window, landing without the slightest jolt, like a cat. It was a little bit farther down that I’d imagined.

“All right then,” he said, his voice seething with disapproval. “Up you go.”

He helped me onto his back, and took off running. Even after all this time, it felt routine. Easy. Evidently this was something you never forgot, like riding a bicycle.

It was so quiet and dark as he ran through the forest, his breathing slow and even—dark enough that the trees flying past us were nearly invisible, and only the rush of air in my face truly gave away our speed. The air was damp; it didn’t burn my eyes the way the wind in the big plaza had, and that was comforting. As was the night, too, after that terrifying brightness. Like the thick quilt I’d played under as a child, the dark felt familiar and protecting.

I remembered that running through the forest like this used to frighten me, that I used to have to close my eyes. It seemed a silly reaction to me now. I kept my eyes wide, my chin resting on his shoulder, my cheek against his neck. The speed was exhilarating. A hundred times better than the motorcycle.

I turned my face toward him and pressed my lips into the cold stone skin of his neck.

“Thank you,” he said, as the vague, black shapes of trees raced past us. “Does that mean you’ve forgiven me?”

I laughed darkly. “I don’t think you’re going to get off that easy.”

“I’ll earn your trust back somehow,” he murmured, mostly to himself. “If it’s my final act.”

“I won’t lie to you, I don’t think it’s going to be easy.”

“I should have expected that.” He sighed.

He’d slowed to a walk—I could only tell because the wind ceased—and I guessed that we weren’t far from the house. In fact, I thought I could make out the sound of the river rushing somewhere close by in the darkness.

“Well—“ I struggled to find the right way to phrase it. “I think it’s fair of me to feel the way I feel. You’re going to have to rebuild that trust. And I think I’m going to struggle for a while with feeling like I’m… enough for you. That you won’t leave again because I’m not enough to hold you.”

He stopped and reached around to pull me from his back. His gentle hands did not release me; after he’d set me on my feet again, he wrapped his arms tightly around me, hugging me to his chest.

“You’re hold is permanent and unbreakable,” he whispered. “Never doubt that.”

But how could I not?

“You never did tell me…,” he murmured.

“What?”

“What your greatest problem is.”

“I’ll give you one guess.” I sighed, and reached up to touch the tip of his nose with my index finger.

He nodded. “I’m worse than the Volturi,” he said grimly. “I guess I’ve earned that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Easy with the self-loathing, okay? Like you said before, the Volturi may not think of me again for fifteen or twenty years.”

He waited with tense eyes.

“You can lie to me again,” I explained. “You can break my heart all over, make me feel like an idiot for giving you back any trust.”

Even in the darkness, I could see his anguish twist his face—it reminded me of his expression under Jane’s torturing gaze; I felt bad, but I had to tell him the truth.

“Come on, now,” I whispered, touching his face. “Don’t look like that.”

He pulled one corner of his mouth up halfheartedly, but the expression didn’t touch his eyes. “If there was only some way to make you see that I can’t leave you,” he whispered. “Time, I suppose, will be the way to convince you.”

That seemed like a good plan. “Okay,” I agreed.

His face was still tormented. I decided to change the subject by bringing up inconsequentials.

“So—since you’re staying. Can I have my stuff back?” I asked, making my tone as light as I could manage.

My attempt worked, to an extent: he laughed. But his eyes retained the misery. “Your things were never gone,” he told me. “I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets— they’re all under your floorboards.”

“Really?”

He nodded, seeming slightly cheered by my obvious surprise in this trivial fact. It wasn’t enough to heal the pain in his face completely.

“On the one hand,” I raised an eyebrow, “I’m very annoyed with you for taking my things. I think it, like a lot of your other decisions, did more harm than good.”

He winced slightly, his eyes were unbearably sad.

“However,” I continued, “I guess I appreciate that you left something with me. It does help your case a bit that you really did care about me.”

“I do care about you, Beau.” He stared intently into my eyes. “More than anything.”

“Maybe I knew that on some level.” I shrugged. “Maybe that’s why I kept hearing your voice.”

“You heard my voice?” His voice was confused but his eyes sparked with some excitement. “Really?”

“God, it sounds pathetic saying it out loud.” I winced.

He waited.

I sighed. “Sometimes, I heard your voice” I admitted. “At first, I thought I was going crazy. Maybe my brain was trying to help me through everything, I don’t know. But whenever I was in… danger or doing something risky I wouldn’t hear my own voice trying to reason with me, I’d hear yours.”

He looked slightly confused, so I tried to explain further.

“Okay, do you remember what Alice said about the extreme sports?”

He spoke the words without inflection of emphasis. “You jumped off a cliff for fun.”

“No, technically I jumped off a cliff to prove I could be brave and do something on my own without a pack of wolves or a bunch of vampires protecting me.”

He pursed his lips.

“And before the cliff, with the motorcycle—“

“Motorcycle?” he asked. I knew his voice well enough to hear something brewing behind the calm.

“I guess I didn’t tell Alice about that part.”

“No.”

“Okay, well, I learned how to ride a motorcycle while you were gone.” I cleared my throat nervously. “And when I first got on it… I… heard your voice telling me not to.”

“Hmm,” he let himself smirk a bit. “Well, I can take some small comfort that your mind, at least, has some sense of self-preservation.”

“Ha ha,” I narrowed my eyes. “It wasn’t the safest behavior but I learned a lot about myself, and I definitely think I’m a braver person because of it.” I sighed. “And, maybe, a part of me—deep down—knew that you hadn’t completely stopped loving me.”

As I spoke, some part of me recognized that there was genuine truth to what I said. Perhaps it was part of the reason I had such a hard time moving on.

The disproval was evident in his voice, “I can’t condone you risking your life to hear my voice.”

“I wasn’t risking my life to hear your voice.” I pointed out. “It was just a side effect of a very broken heart.”

His face was sad and anxious again. There was a deep silence before he spoke.

“I wish I could make you believe how much I love you, Beau.” He sighed. “I wish I could show you that there is no end to my love for you—that I want you, exactly as you are, for forever. I will always belong to you; my heart is always yours. Nothing can change that.”

“You love me?”

Though his eyes were still anxious, the crooked smile I loved best flashed across his face. “Truly, I do.”

My heart inflated like it was going to crack right through my ribs. It filled my chest and blocked my throat so that I could not speak.

“Will you take me back, then?” His voice was hopeful.

“You have a lot to make up for, Edward Cullen.” I finally said, my voice serious. “This isn’t something I’m just going to get over, and you don’t just get a free pass. Even though I love you, and you love me… you have to rebuild my trust in you. If you think you can do that, if you promise me you’ll work hard to earn my trust again… you understand?”

“Yes sir.” He said like he always used to.

I smiled, “Then I can probably manage to take you back.”

A look of deep, sincere relief washed over his face. He took my face tightly between his cool hands and kissed me until I was so dizzy the forest was spinning. Then he leaned his forehead against mine, and I was no the only one breathing harder than usual.

“You were better at it than I was, you know,” he told me.

“Better at what?”

“Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn’t actively tracking, I was… totally useless. I couldn’t be around my family—I couldn’t be around anyone. I’m embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me.” He grinned, sheepish. “It was pathetic and insane. Much more than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too.”

“I only heard one voice,” I corrected him.

He laughed and then pulled me tight against his right side and started to lead me forward.

“I’m just humoring you with this.” He motioned broadly with his hand toward the darkness in front of us as we walked. There was something pale and immense there—the house, I realized. “It doesn’t matter in the slightest what they say.”

“This affects them now, too.”

He shrugged indifferently.

He led me through the open front door into the dark house and flipped the lights on. The room was just as I’d remembered it—the piano and the white couches and the pale, massive staircase. No dust, no white sheets.

Edward called out the names with no more volume than I’d use in a regular conversation. “Carlisle? Esme? Royal? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?” They would hear.

Carlisle was suddenly standing beside me, as if he’d been there all along. “Welcome back, Beau.” He smiled. “What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not purely a social visit?”

I nodded. “I’d like to talk to everyone at once, if that’s okay. About something important.”

I couldn’t help glancing up at Edward’s face as I spoke. His expression was critical, but resigned. When I looked back to Carlisle, he was looking at Edward too.

“Of course,” Carlisle said. “Why don’t we talk in the other room?”

Carlisle led the way through the bright living room, around the corner to the dining room, turning on lights as he went. The walls were white, the ceilings hight, light the living room. In the center of the room, under the low hanging chandelier, was a large, polished oval table surrounded by eight chairs. Carlisle held out a chair for me at the head.

I’d never seen the Cullens use the dining room table before— it was just a prop. They didn’t eat in the house.

As soon as I turned to sit in the chair, I saw that we were not alone. Esme had followed Edward, and behind her the rest of the family filed in.

Carlisle sat down on my right, and Edward on my left. Everyone else took their seats in silence. Alice was grinning at me, already in on the plot. Emmett and Jasper looked curious, and Royal smiled at me tentatively. My answering smile was just as timid. That was going to take some getting used to.

Carlisle nodded toward me. “The floor is yours.” I swallowed. Their gazing eyes made me nervous. Edward took my hand under the table. I peeked at him, but he was watching the others, his face suddenly fierce.

“Well,” I paused. “I’m hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?”

“Everything,” Alice assured me.

“Okay, good.” I sighed. “Then I think we’re all on the same page.”

They waited patiently while I tried to order my thoughts.

“So, I have a problem,” I began. “Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They’re going to send someone to check, and I’m sure that’s a bad thing—something to avoid.

“And so, now, this involves all of you. I’m sorry about that.” I looked at each one of their faces, saving Edward’s for last. His mouth was turned down into a grimace. “The Volturi’s involvement means that this is bigger than just Edward and me. It could potentially affect all of you. Whether I decide to stay human and hide from the Volturi for the rest of my life—if that’s even possible—or if I decide to become… one of you… I can’t force myself in your lives if you don’t want me—if you don’t want the responsibility of what me being around means.”

Esme opened her mouth to speak, but I held up my hand to stop her.

“Please, let me finish. Edward and I have a way to go before everything is completely back to the way it was between us, and, while I’m willing to try, I think it’s only fair to let you all have a say this time since it could potentially affect you all.”

There was a faint rumble of a growl in Edward’s chest. I ignored him.

“So I’m putting it to a vote. I want each of you to vote yes or no on the the issue of Edward and I staying together.” I took a deep breath, “Adding into that, the possibility of me becoming a vampire someday—if I choose.”

I took another deep breath, half-smiled, and gestured toward Carlisle to begin.

“Just a minute,” Edward interrupted.

I raised an eyebrow at him. He squeezed my hand, pleadingly.

“I have something to add before we vote.”

I sighed.

“About the danger Beau’s referring to,” he continued. “I don’t think we need to be overly anxious.”

His expression became more animated. He put his free hand on the shining table and leaned forward.

“You see, he explained, looking around the table while he spoke, “there was more than one reason why I didn’t want to shake Aro’s hand there at the end. There’s something they didn’t think of, and I didn’t want to clue them in.” He grinned.

“Which was?” Alice prodded. I was sure my expression was just as skeptical as hers.

“The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it’s not really a problem. Do you remember Demetri?” He glanced down at me.

I shuddered. He took that as a yes.

“He finds people— that’s his talent, why they keep him. Now, the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri’s talent works. He’s a tracker— a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was. His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches the… flavor? I don’t know how to describe it… the tenor… of someone’s mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances.

“But after Aro’s little experiments, well…” Edward shrugged.

“You think he won’t be able to find me,” I guessed.

He was smug. “I’m sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn’t work with you, they’ll all be blind.”

“And how does that solve anything?”

“Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they’re planning a visit, and I’ll hide you. They’ll be helpless,” he said with fierce enjoyment. “It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!”

He and Emmett exchanged a glance and a smirk.

This made no sense. “But they can find you,” I reminded him.

“And I can take care of myself.”

Emmett laughed, and reached across the table toward his brother, extending a fist.

“Excellent plan, my brother,” he said with enthusiasm. Edward stretched out his arm to smack Emmett’s fist with his own.

“No,” Royal hissed.

“Absolutely not,” I agreed.

“Nice.” Jasper’s voice was appreciative.

“Idiots,” Alice muttered.

Esme just glared at Edward.

I straightened up in my chair, focusing. This was my meeting.

“All right, then. Edward has offered his reasoning to try to sway your votes,” I shot him a look. “Which I think has only solidified my point that this could be dangerous for you, which I think had the opposite effect of what he wanted.”

Edward’s face immediately changed. He slowly deflated from his haughty attitude.

“So here it is,” I said coolly. “Let’s vote.”

I looked toward Edward this time; it would be better for his ego to let him get his opinion out first. “Do you want me to join your family?”

His eyes were hard and blackened flint, but they softened slightly when he spoke. “Forever. I want you with me for as long as you’ll have me.” He paused. “But I want you to stay human.”

I nodded once, smiling gently, and then moved on.

“Alice?”

“I already think of you as my brother,” she beamed. “Yes.”

“Jasper?”

“Yes,” he said, voice grave. I was a little surprised—I hadn’t been at all sure of his vote—but I suppressed my reaction and moved on.

“Royal?”

He hesitated, biting down on his bottom lip. “Well…”

I tried to keep my face blank, “Okay, we can come back to you, Royal.”

He held up both his hands, palms forward.

“Let me explain,” he pleaded. “I don’t mean to imply that I have any aversion to you as a brother. You make Edward happy, and I’m so grateful that you saved him. You’ve proven to me that you belong in this family, and I’d be happy to have you.” He sighed. “But, I want to make it clear that I’m with Edward about you staying human.” His expression was sincere now. “It’s just that… this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me.”

I nodded slowly. “Thank you, Royal.” I turned to Emmett.

“Hell, yes!” He grinned before I had a chance to say his name. “You know I love you, kid. Besides, we can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri.”

I had to grin, despite my disapproval at the thought of a fight.

“Esme?”

“Yes, of course, Beau. I already think of you as part of my family and I wouldn’t want to lose you.”

“Thank you, Esme,” I smiled. I turned to Carlisle.

I was suddenly nervous, wishing I had asked for his vote first. I was sure that this was the vote that mattered most, the vote that counted more than any majority.

Carlisle wasn’t looking at me.

“Edward,” he said.

“No,” Edward growled. His jaw was strained tight, his lips curled back from his teeth.

“It’s an inevitable possibility,” Carlisle insisted. “You’ve chosen not to live without him, and that doesn’t leave me a choice.”

Edward dropped my hand, shoving away from the table. He stalked out of the room, snarling under his breath.

“I guess you know my vote.” Carlisle sighed.

I was still staring after Edward. “Thank you, Carlisle.” I said quietly.

An earsplitting crash echoed from the other room.

I flinched, and spoke quickly. “That’s all I needed. Thank you. For wanting to keep me. I feel exactly the same way about all of you, too.” My voice was jagged with emotion by the end.

Esme was by my side in a flash, her cold arms around me.

“Dearest Beau,” she breathed.

I hugged her back. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Royal looking down at the table.

“Royal?” I called when Esme released me.

He glanced up, “Yes, Beau?”

“Thank you for being so honest. I really honestly appreciate it.” I smiled at him. He smiled back, and nodded.

“Well,” I continued. “So that’s settled. I suppose we should come up with a contingency plan in case the Volturi show up and you can’t hide me…” I paused. “Or, if I decide to become a vampire.” I glanced around the table. “Alice?”

Alice stared at me, her eyes widening.

“No! No! NO!” Edward roared, charging back into the room. He was in my face before I had time to blink, bending over me, his expression twisted in rage. “Are you insane?” he shouted. “Have you utterly lost your mind?”

“Mind your damn temper!” I snapped at him, he was still fuming.

“Um, Beau,” Alice interjected in an anxious voice. “I don’t know if I can… I don’t have any idea how to not kill you.”

“Oh, Alice,” I sighed. “I wouldn’t ask you to do it if you weren’t comfortable.”

Edward was snarling now.

“Carlisle?” I turned to look at him.

Edward grabbed my face in his hand, forcing me to look at him. I felt my face go red with anger. I reflexively jerked my face out of Edward’s hand, slapping it away in the process. My hand stung like I had slapped a brick wall, but I did my best to not show any sign of pain.

Edward’s face went slack-jawed in shock. Emmett started howling with laughter.

“Knock it off.” I enunciated each word, glaring at Edward. I turned back to Carlisle.

“I’m able to do it,” he answered my glance. “You would be in no danger of me losing control.”

“Good to know.” I replied.

“Hold on,” Edward said, his teeth clenched. “It doesn’t have to be now.”

I whirled back to him in shock. “Who said it was going to be now?”

“I—what?” He looked confused.

“Christ, Edward.” I shook my head. “I’m making sure we have a plan if the Volturi come looking for us. I don’t know if I want to become a vampire. I’d have to give up everything in my life—and I spent the last several months trying to build that life up. Even I have you back, that doesn’t negate everything in that life! I couldn’t give up Charlie, my Mom, I couldn’t give up my friends, or…”

My stomach dropped. I couldn’t give up Jacob. Oh god, Jacob. With everything that had happened the last few days, I hadn’t given Jacob nearly enough thought. How could I have been so careless? So callous to his feelings?

Edward wasn’t paying attention to me, though. He was already scheming. “In the interest of remaining inconspicuous,” He said, still talking through his gritted teeth, looking at Carlisle, “I suggest that even if the Volturi do come, and we have to… If Beau has to be… I suggest we wait until he finishes high school, and moves out of Charlie’s house.”

“That’s a reasonable request, Beau,” Carlisle pointed out.

“Hm? Yeah, of course.” I was too deep in thought to properly respond.

There was silence. I realized Edward was staring at me intently, unconvinced by my half-hearted response.

“What? Yes, after graduation, that’s fine.” I rolled my eyes. “If I have to be changed.”

Edward relaxed. His jaw unclenched.

“I should probably take you home,” he said, more calm now, but clearly in a hurry to get me out of here. “Just in case Charlie wakes up early.”

The thought startled me back to the situation at hand. “Oh, yeah, crap. Okay, let’s get me home.”

Edward rushed me out of the house, probably before I had the chance to try to negotiate anything, even though I had no real intention to.

It was a quiet trip home. I was still deep in thought. I couldn’t stop thinking about Jacob and I was thinking about the idea of actually becoming a vampire, what it all meant. I was grateful to Edward’s family for being so willing to have me, to protect me. It all was a lot to think about.

When we got to my house, Edward didn’t pause. He dashed up the wall and through my window in half a second. Then he pulled my arms from around his neck and set me on the bed.

I thought I had a pretty good idea of what he was thinking, but his expression surprised me. Instead of furious, it was calculating. He paced silently back and forth across my dark room while I watched with growing suspicion.

“You alright there?” I finally asked.

“Shh. I’m thinking.”

“Fine,” I sighed, throwing myself back on the bed and pulling the quilt over my head.

There was no sound, but suddenly he was there. He flipped the cover back so he could see me. He was lying next to me. His hand reached up to run through my hair.

“If you don’t mind, I’d much rather you didn’t hide your face. I’ve lived without it for as long as I can stand. Now… tell me something.”

“What?” I asked, hesitantly.

“Is there anything I can do, I can give you, to convince you of my love for you?”

I furrowed my brows. “What brought this on?”

His eyes fell, and he hung his head. “It was… brutish of me, back at my house, to grab your face like you did.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t fault your reaction in the slightest—you had every right to be angry, and to respond the way you did. But then you were so quiet after that. You’ve hardly spoken to me and you seem distracted.” He put his hands, gently, on either side of my face. “Beau, have I already ruined my chances?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle softly. I ran my hands through his hair.

“No, you beautiful idiot. I’m going to add that you need to get your temper under control in addition to rebuild trust. But you didn’t ruin everything.”

He didn’t seem appeased.

“Could I ask you something else?” his voice low.

“Hmm?”

“If the Volturi did come… is there…” He paused, like the very idea was reprehensible to him. “Is there any way I can convince you to stay human?”

“Edward,” I sighed, “I don’t know if I want to become a vampire. I really don’t know right now. But if the Volturi come to check and they find that I’m still human do you understand what could happen? They’d certainly kill me. Who know what would happen to you and your family. And what if they decided to be thorough? What if they went after Charlie? I can’t have that. We have to be prepared for… the possibility of me being changed—if it comes to that. And, furthermore, even if you can hide me that’s not much of a life. Always hiding, on the run… I can’t live my life like that.” My memories flashed back to the time I had been on the run from James, and I shuddered.  “Honestly, if they come then I’ll need to be changed, probably.”

Edward sulked.

“But,” I continued. “If it does come to that I do have a request.”

He was still pouting, but he raised an eyebrow inquisitively.

“I don’t want Carlisle to change me,” I took a deep breath. “I want you to do it.”

I watched his reaction warily, expecting more of the fury I’d seen at his house. I was surprised that his expression had become thoughtful again.

“What would you be willing to trade for that?”

I blinked a few times. I hadn’t been expecting this reaction. I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Umm, I thought you were trying to prove your love for me. How did we start making deals?”

“Humor me.” He pleaded.

“Fine, I don’t know.”

He smiled faintly, and then pursed his lips. “What about time?”

“Time?” I was confused.

“If Alice sees that the Volturi are planning to come, give me time to try and hide you before I have to change you.” He explained.

“How much time?” I asked warily.

“Five years?”

“Five years?” I asked, flabbergasted. “Oh god, Edward. That’s a long time to be on the run and… I mean, I’m in no hurry here but who knows how old I’ll be when they come back—I mean, I hate to be vain or anything, but I’m not sure I want to be changed into a vampire if I’m like, I don’t know, middle aged.” He opened his mouth to speak, I cut him off. “Especially if I’m dating an eternally seventeen-year-old vampire.”

He frowned. “Three years?”

I grimaced.

“Isn’t my being the one who changes you worth anything to you at all?”

I thought about that. “That’s still a long time on the run. Six months?”

He rolled his eyes. “Not good enough.”

“Oh for crying out loud,” I sighed. “A year, then.”

“At least give me two?”

“I’m not going to live in fear, running for my life for two years! No dice. It’s going to be bad enough adjusting to the idea that you’ll be in your teens forever and I’m probably not going to be.”

He thought for a minute. “That’s fair I suppose.” He pursed his lips. “I will think of a way to prove to you that I love you,” he assured me. “and keep you human.”

Before I could speak, he put a finger over my lips. “Charlie’s awake. I’d better leave.”

He swiftly moved towards the window before I had a chance to respond, then paused. Turning back to me, sheepishly. “Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet?”

“It’s very human boyfriend, I think.” I whispered.

Edward smiled and disappeared.

I quickly kicked off my pants and threw them under the bed before arranging myself in a way that looked like I had actually been sleeping all night instead of sneaking out for late-night vampire meetings. I waited, tensely, for Charlie to come check on me.

My door cracked open.

“Morning, Dad.”

“Oh, hey, Beau.” He sounded embarrassed at getting caught. “I didn’t know you were awake.”

“Yeah. I’ve just been waiting for you to wake up so I could take a shower.” I started to get up.

“Hold on,” Charlie said flipping the light on. I blinked in the sudden brightness, and carefully kept my eyes away from the closet. “Let’s talk for a minute first.”

I mentally kicked myself for not asking Alice for a good excuse.

“You know you’re in trouble.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I just about went crazy these last three days. I come home from Harry’s funeral, and you’re gone. Jacob could only tell me that you’d run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble. You didn’t answer your phone, and you didn’t call. I didn’t know where you were or when— or if— you were coming back. Do you have any idea how… how…” He couldn’t finish the sentence. He sucked in a sharp breath and moved on. “Can you give me one reason why I shouldn’t ship you off to Jacksonville this second?”

I hung my head. He had every right to be angry and I couldn’t argue with him.

“Because I don’t want to go.”

“Beau…” His tone was disapproving.

“Dad, I accept complete responsibility for my actions. I’m so sorry, I really am. You have every right to ground me for as long as you want. I’ll do whatever I can to make it up to you; I’ll do all the chores and laundry and dishes until… well, just from now on. And you can make any rules you think are fair. You still have every right to kick me out, if you want me to leave, though.”

His anger deflated a bit. “I don’t want you to leave, Beau.” He sighed. “Would you like to explain to me where you’ve been?”

Aw, crap. “There was…. An emergency.”

He raised his eyebrows in expectation of my brilliant explanation.

I filled my cheeks with air and then blew it out noisily. “It’s complicated, Dad. It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand.”

He waited with a distrustful expression.

“See, Alice told Royal about me jumping off the cliff.…” I was scrambling frantically to make this work, to keep it as close to the truth as possible so that my inability to lie convincingly would not undermine the excuse, but before I could go on, Charlie’s expression reminded me that he didn’t know anything about the cliff.

Major oops. As if I wasn’t already toast.

“I guess I didn’t tell you about that,” I choked out. “It was nothing. Just messing around, swimming with Jake. Anyway, Royal told Edward, and he was upset. Roy sort of accidentally made it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. Then Edward wouldn’t answer his phone, so Alice and I flew to… L.A., to explain in person.” I shrugged, desperately hoping that he would not be so distracted by my slip that he’d miss the brilliant explanation I’d provided.

Charlie’s face was frozen. “Were you trying to kill yourself, Beau?”

“No, dad. No, of course not. I was just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. I was pretty brave and badass, if I can say that.”

Charlie’s face heated up—from frozen to hot with fury. “What’s it to Edward Cullen anyway?” He practically growled. “All this time, he’s just left you dangling without a word—“

I interrupted him. “And he felt guilty for being such a complete ass. He’s done nothing but apologize and beg for my forgiveness since he came back.”

His face flushed again. “So he is back then?”

“I’m not sure what the exact plan is. I think they all are.”

He shook his head, the vein in his forehead pulsing. “I want you to stay away from him, Beau. I don’t trust him. He’s rotten for you. I won’t let him mess you up like that again.”

“Dad, I don’t completely trust him either right now.”

Charlie rocked back onto his heels. “Oh.” He scrambled for a second, exhaling loudly in surprise. “I thought you were going to be difficult.”

“Well,” I bit my lip. “I mean, I am thinking about taking Edward back.”

Charlie’s eyes widened, he began to speak but I cut him off.

“However, he’s on probation. He messed up—bad. I’m not giving him a free pass back into my life. He has to work to earn my trust back, but I am giving him another chance.”

Charlie was furious. “Not a chance, Beau, I’m not going to let him—“

“And neither am I, Dad.” I cut him off again, trying to reassure him. “I’m not the same kid I was the last time. I learned a lot from this. It sucked, and it wasn’t fair what I put you through. I’m never going to let that happen to me again. I promise, Dad.”

Charlie seemed unsure of what to say next. “Well,” he mumbled. “I still don’t like him.”

“And that’s fair,” I offered. “Can I just ask that you be nice to him?”

“Be nice to him? After everything?” he fumed.

“You can be mad at him, Dad. I’m still mad at him about some stuff. I’m still going to give him a chance, and all I can ask of you is just to be… civil.” Charlie didn’t respond. “At least think about it? Give it a couple days?”

Charlie huffed, but he seemed to soften.

“Alright, Beau.” He huffed again. “I’ll… let you shower and stuff.” He turned to leave the room.

“Hey Dad?” I called, he turned back to me. “I love you, Dad. I’m sorry.”

“Love you too, kiddo.” He said gruffly before hurrying out of the room.

He closed the door behind him. I heard his steps trail down the stairs.

I sat up, throwing off my quilt, and Edward was already there, sitting in the rocking chair as if he’d been present through the whole conversation.

“Maybe you should have just gone,” I whispered apologetically.

“It’s not as if I don’t deserve far worse,” he murmured. “I’m sorry, Beau.” He hung his head.

“Well, at least you know exactly where everything stands.” I smiled softly as I gathered up my bathroom things and a set of clean clothes. “So you know what you have to work on.”

“I suppose I do.” He was thoughtful. “Beau, can I ask you a question?”

“Hmm?” I glanced back at him.

“Are you so eager for eternal damnation that you would saddle yourself with a monster like me?” His eyes were full of sadness and self-loathing.

I paused for a moment, considering what he said, before setting my things down on the bed and walking over to him. I lifted his chin with my hand so he’d look at me.

“You know you don’t really believe that.”

“Oh, don’t I?” he sulked.

“No. You don’t.”

He glowered at me and started to speak, but I cut him off.

“If you really believed that you’d lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn’t— you said ‘Amazing. Carlisle was right,’” I reminded him, smiling. “There’s hope in you, after all.” For once, Edward was speechless.

“So let’s both just be hopeful, all right?” I suggested. “We have a lot to look forward to.”

He stood slowly, and put his hands on either side of my face as he stared into my eyes. “Forever,” he vowed, still a little staggered.

At that moment, my head broke the surface.

I was completely disoriented. I’d been sure I was sinking.

The current wouldn’t let up. It was slamming me against more rocks; they beat against the center of my back sharply, rhythmically, pushing the water from my lungs. It gushed out in amazing volume, absolute torrents pouring from my mouth and nose. The salt burned and my lungs burned and my throat was too full of water to catch a breath and the rocks were hurting my back. Somehow I stayed in one place, though the waves still heaved around me. I couldn’t see anything but water everywhere, reaching for my face.

“Breath!” a voice, wild with anxiety, ordered, and I felt a sudden rush of relief—because it wasn’t Edward’s.

I could not obey, though. The waterfall pouring from my mouth didn’t stop long enough for me to catch a breath. The black, icy water filled my chest, burning.

The rock smacked into my back again, right between my shoulder blades, and another volley of water choked its way out of my lungs.

“Breath, Beau! C’mon!” Jacob begged.

Black spots bloomed across my vision, getting wider and wider, blocking out the light.

The rock struck me again.

The rock wasn’t cold like the water; it was hot on my skin. I realized it was Jacob’s hand, trying to beat the water from my lungs. The iron bar that had dragged me from the sea was also… warm… My head whirled, the black spots covered everything….

I wasn’t dying. I had survived. Somehow, idiot Beau Swan had jumped off a cliff and survived. Ha, take that, Edward. If I wasn’t still so disoriented I would have chuckled. The sound of the crashing waves faded into the black and became a quiet, even whoosh that sounded like it was coming from the inside of my ears….

“Beau?” Jacob asked, his voice still tense but not as wild as before. “Beau, babe, can you hear me?”

The contents of my head swished and rolled sickeningly, like they’d joined the rough water….

“How long has he been unconscious?” someone else asked.

The voice that was not Jacob’s startled me, jarred me into a more focused awareness.

I realized that I was still. There was no tug of the current on me—the heaving was inside my head. The surface under me was flat and motionless. It felt grainy against my bare arms.

“I don’t know,” Jacob reported, still frantic. His voice was very close. Hands—so warm they had to be his—ran through my wet hair, and along my cheeks. “A few minutes? It didn’t take long to tow him to the beach.”

The quiet whooshing inside my ears was not the waves—it was the air moving in and out of my lungs again. Each breath burned—the passageways were as raw as if I’d scrubbed them out with steel wool. But I was breathing.

And I was freezing. A thousand sharp, icy beads were striking my face and arms, making the cold worse.

“He’s breathing. He’ll come around. We should get him out of the cold, though. I don’t like the color he’s turning…” I recognized Sam’s voice this time.

“You think it’s okay to move him?”

“He didn’t hurt his back or anything when he fell?”

“I don’t know.”

They hesitated.

I tried to open my eyes. It took me a minute, but then I could see the dark, purple clouds, flinging the freezing rain down at me. “Jake?” I croaked.

Jacob’s face blocked out the sky. “Oh!” he gasped, relief washing over his features. His eyes were wet, I hoped, from the rain and not from tears over me.

“Oh, Beau! Are you okay? Can you hear me? Do you hurt anywhere?”

“J-just m-my throat,” I stuttered, my lips quivering from the cold.

“Let’s get you out of here, then,” Jacob said. He slid his arms under me and lifted me without effort, like picking up an empty box. His chest was bare and warm; he hunched his shoulders to keep the rain of me. I curled up into him, nestling my head against his chest.

“You got him?” I heard Sam ask.

“Yeah, I’ll take it from here. Get back to the hospital. I’ll join you later. Thanks, Sam.”

My head was still rolling. None of his words sunk in at first. Sam didn’t answer. There was no sound, and I wondered if he was already gone. I strained to lift my head and look back over Jacob’s shoulder.

The water licked and writhed up the sand after us as Jacob carried me away, like it was angry that I’d escaped. As I stared wearily, a spark of color caught my unfocused eyes—a small flash of fire was dancing on the black water, far out in the bay. The image made no sense, and I wondered how conscious I really was. My head swirled with the memory of the black, churning water—of being so lost that I couldn’t find up or down. So lost… but somehow Jacob…

“How did you find me?” I rasped.

“I was searching for you,” he told me. He was half-jogging through the rain, up the beach toward the road. “I followed the tire tracks to your truck, and then saw the door open, and your phone just sitting on the seat. Then I heard you shout…” He shuddered. “Why would you jump, Beau? Didn’t you noticed that it’s turning into a hurricane out here? Couldn’t you have waited for me?” Frustration filled his tone as his relief faded.

“I’m sorry, Jake,” I muttered. “It was stupid.”

“Yeah, it was really stupid,” he agreed, drops of ran shaking free of his hair as he nodded. “Look, do you mind saving the really stupid stuff for when I’m around? I won’t be able to concentrate if I think you’re jumping off cliffs behind my back.”

“Sure,” I agreed. “No problem.” I sounded like a chain-smoker. I tried to clear my throat—and then winced; the throat-clearing felt like stabbing a knife down there. “What happened today? Did you… find Victor?” It was my turn to shudder, though I wasn’t so cold here, wrapped in his warm arms.

Jacob shook his head. He was still more running than walking as he headed up the road to his house. “No. He took off into the water—the bloodsuckers have the advantage there. That’s why I raced home—I was afraid he was going to double back swimming. You spend so much time on the beach….” He trailed off, a catch in his throat.

“Sam came back with you… is everyone else home, too?” I hoped they weren’t still out searching for Victor.

“Yeah. Sort of.”

I tried to read his expression, squinting into the hammering rain. His eyes were tight with worry or pain.

The words that hadn’t made sense before suddenly did. “You said… hospital. Before, to Sam. Is someone hurt? Did Victor fight you?” My voice jumped up an octave, sounding strange with the hoarseness.

“No, no. When we got back, Em was waiting with the news. It’s Harry Clearwater. Harry had a heart attack this morning.”

“Harry?” I shook my head trying to absorb what he was saying. “Oh, no! Does Charlie know?”

“Yeah. He’s over there, too, with my dad.”

“Is Harry going to be okay?”

Jacob’s eyes tightened again. “It doesn’t look so great right now.”

Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt—felt truly horrible about the stupid cliff dive. Nobody needed to be worrying about me right now. What a selfish time to try to go and prove something to myself.

“What can I do?” I asked.

At that moment the rain stopped. I hadn’t realized we were already back to Jacob’s house until he walked through the door. The storm pounded against the roof.

“You can stay here,” Jacob said as he set me on the short couch. “I mean it—right here. I’ll get you some dry clothes.”

I let my eyes adjust to the dark room while Jacob banged around in his bedroom. The cramped front room seemed so empty without Billy, almost desolate. It was strangely ominous—probably because I knew where he was.

Jacob was back in seconds. He threw a pile of gray cotton at me. “These will be huge on you, but it’s the best I’ve got. I’ll, er, step outside so you can change.”

“Don’t go anywhere. Please, Jake. I’m too tired to move yet. Just stay with me.”

Jacob sat on the floor next to me, his back against the couch. I wondered when he’d slept last. He looked as exhausted as I felt.

He leaned his head on the cushion next to mine and yawned. “Guess I could rest for a minute….”

His eyes closed. I let mine slide shut, too.

Poor Harry. Poor Sue. I knew Charlie was going to be beside himself. Harry was one of his best friends. Despite Jake’s negative take on things, I hoped fervently that Harry would pull through. For Charlie’s sake. For Sue’s and Liam’s and Seth’s.

Billy’s sofa was right next to the radiator, and I was warm now, despite my soaked clothes. My lungs ached in a way that pushed me toward unconsciousness rather than keeping me awake. I wondered vaguely if it was wrong to sleep… or was I getting drowning mixed up with concussions…? Jacob began softly snoring, and the sound of it soothed like a lullaby. I fell asleep quickly.

For the first time in a very long time, my dream was just a normal dream. Just a blurred wandering through old memories—blinding bright visions of the Phoenix sun, my mother’s face, a ramshackle tree house, a faded quilt, a wall of mirrors, a flame on the black water… I forgot each of them as soon as the picture changed.

The last picture was the only one that stuck in my head. It was meaningless—just a set on a stage. A balcony at night, a painted moon hanging in the sky. I watched the girl in her nightdress lean on the railing and talk to herself.

Meaningless… but when I slowly struggled back to consciousness, Juliet was on my mind.

Jacob was still asleep; he’d slumped down on the floor and his breathing was deep and even. The house was darker now than before, it was black outside the window. I was stiff, but warm and almost dry. The inside of my throat burned with every breath I took.

I was going to have to get up—at least to get a drink. But I didn’t want to risk waking Jacob. I reached my hand down to touch his head.

As I gently ran my fingers through his hair, I thought about Juliet some more.

I wondered what she would have done if Romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but because he lost interest? What if Rosalind had given him the time of day, and he’d changed his mind? What if, instead of marrying Juliet, he’d just disappeared?

I thought I knew how Juliet would feel.

She’d struggle to go back to her old life. She would have struggled to move on, I was sure of that. I wondered if she would have been able to, eventually. Or, would she one day find herself, old and gray, still seeing Romeo’s face every time she closed her eyes? Would she have accepted that half-life?

I wondered if she would have married Paris in the end, just to please her parents, to keep the peace. Who could say, I thought. The story didn’t say much about Paris. He was just a stick figure—a placeholder, a threat, a deadline to force her hand.

What if there were more to Paris?

What if Paris had been Juliet’s friend? Her very best friend? What if he was the only one she could confide in every detail about the whole heartbreaking ordeal with Romeo? The one person who understood her better than anyone else? What if he was patient and kind? What if they made each other happy? What if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?

And… what if she loved Paris? What if she moved on from Romeo, and truly loved Paris?

Jacob’s slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room—like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go…. It was the sound of comfort.

If Romeo was gone, never coming back, would it have mattered whether or not Juliet had taken Paris up on his offer? Maybe she could carve out a new life—a better life—out of the pieces Romeo had left behind when he left so selfishly.

I sighed, and then groaned when the sigh scraped my throat. I was thinking too much about this. Romeo and Juliet was really a tragedy, not a romance, after all. Certainly not something to use to help yourself find closure.

I closed my eyes and drifted again, letting my mind wander away from the stupid play. I thought about reality instead—about jumping off the cliff and what a brainless act that had been. And not just the cliff, but the motorcycles and the whole notion of breaking my promise. What if something bad had happened to me? What would that do to Charlie? Harry’s heart attack and pushed everything suddenly into perspective for me. Perspective that hurt me to see. Why hadn’t I realized sooner how selfish it had all been and how making a point in breaking a promise was the complete opposite of finding any sort of closure.

But I had discovered something on that cliff. Something I hadn’t expected. I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. I had been faced with my memories, my hallucinations, my fear, and I met them head on—no, I defied them. Maybe I could do this. Maybe I could carve out a new life for myself with the pieces left behind. I didn’t know if the cracks would ever really heal, but I had to be brave and really try.

I looked down at Jacob. So grateful for him and for everything he had done for me. So grateful for his patience. I thought about what I had said to Jessica about Jacob keeping me above water—today in the literal sense—and wondered what I had done to deserve him in my life.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to make any concrete decisions at that moment. But it was undeniable that a decision would have to be made sooner rather than later if things kept moving forward on the path they were on. I decided to focus on something else, give my tired mind a break from all the heavy emotions.

Images from my ill-considered afternoon stunt rolled through my head while I tried to come up with something pleasant and easy to think about… the feel of the air as I fell, the blackness of the water, the thrashing of the current… Edward’s face… I lingered there for just a moment. Jacob’s warm hands trying to beat life back into me… the stinging rain flung down by the purple clouds… the strange fire on the waves…

There was something familiar about that flash of color on top of the water. Of course it couldn’t really be fire—

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a car squelching through the mud on the road outside. I heard it stop in front of the house, and doors started opening and closing. I thought about sitting up, and then decided against that idea.

Billy’s voice was easily identifiable, but he kept it uncharacteristically low, so that it was only a gravely grumble.

The door opened, and the light flicked on. I blinked momentarily blind. Jake startled awake, gasping and jumping to his feet.

“Sorry,” Billy grunted. “Did we wake you?”

My eyes slowly slowly focused on his face, and then, as I could read his expression, they filled with tears.

“Oh, no, Billy!” I moaned.

He nodded slowly, his expression hard with grief. Jake hurried to his father and took one of his hands. The pain made his face suddenly childlike—it looked odd on top of the man’s body.

Sam was right behind Billy, pushing his chair through the door. His normal composure was absent from his agonized face.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

Billy nodded. “It’s gonna be hard all around.”

“Where’s Charlie?”

“Your dad is still at the hospital with Sue. There are a lot of… arrangements to be made.”

I swallowed hard.

“I’d better get back there,” Sam mumbled, and he ducked hastily out the door.

Billy pulled his hand away from Jacob, and then he rolled himself through the kitchen toward his room.

Jake stared after him for a minute, then came to sit on the floor beside me again. He put his face in his hands. I rubbed his shoulder, wishing I could think of something to say.

After a long moment, Jacob caught my hand and held it to his face.

“How are you feeling? Are you okay? I probably should have taken you to a doctor or something.” He sighed.

“Don’t worry about me,” I croaked, rubbing his cheek.

He twisted his head to look at me. His eyes were rimmed in red. “You don’t look so good.”

“I don’t feel so good, either, I guess.”

“I’ll go get your truck and then take you home.”

“Thanks, Jake,” I sighed, “I should be there when Charlie gets home.”

“Right.”

I lay listlessly on the sofa while I waited for him. Billy was silent in the other room. I felt like a peeping tom, peering through the cracks at a private sorrow.

It didn’t take Jake long. The roar of my truck’s engine broke the silence before I expected it. He helped me up from the couch without speaking, keeping his arm around my shoulder when the cold air outside made me shiver. He took the driver’s seat without asking, and then pulled me next to his side to keep his arm tight around me. I leaned my head against his chest.

“How will you get home?” I asked.

“I’m not going home. We still haven’t caught the bloodsucker, remember?”

My next shudder had nothing to do with cold.

It was a quiet ride after that. The cold air had woken me up. My mind was alert, and it was working very hard and very fast.

What if? What if could make a decision? Take the step down this path and carve out my new life.

I couldn’t imagine my life without Jacob now—I cringed away from that idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he’d become an integral part of my life. But to leave things the way they were… was that cruel, as Mike had accused?

I think it was. It was wrong to string Jacob along if I was never going to make a decision. Could I make one? What was holding me back? I realized how right it felt when he held me like this. It felt so nice—warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. Jacob was a safe harbor.

I could make a decision. I could make him mine.

He already knew what I had been through. He knew there were parts of me that were still broken. But I would need to tell him everything—I’d explain why it hurt me so deeply, tell him how deep the cracks in my heart ran, I’d admit to the delusions of hearing Edward. He’d need to know everything before he made a decision.

But, even as I recognized that necessity, I kew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn’t even pause to think it through. Jacob had made his decision.

I would have to commit to this—commit my whole heart to Jacob, breaks and all. Would I? Could I? Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Make myself happy? I couldn’t spend my entire life grieving after some fickle Romeo.

Jacob stopped the truck in front of my dark house, cutting the engine so it was suddenly silent. Like so many other times, he seemed to be in tune with my thoughts now.

He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. My heart felt like it could safely heal here.

I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic. “Sorry. I know you don’t feel exactly the way I do, Beau. I swear I don’t mind. I’m just so glad you’re okay that I could sing—and that’s something no one wants to hear.” He laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.

My breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.

Wouldn’t Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as was possible? Wouldn’t enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn’t begrudge me this: moving on, finding my closure, and giving the love he didn’t want to Jacob.

Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.

If I turned my face to the side—if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder… I knew without any doubt exactly what would follow. It would be as easy as breathing.

But could I do it? Could I let go of my baggage and close that chapter of my life?

Butterflies filled my stomach as I thought about turning my head.

And then, as clearly as it was up on the cliff, Edward’s voice whispered in my ear.

“Be happy,” he told me.

I froze.

Jacob felt me stiffen and released me automatically, reaching for the door.

Wait, I wanted to say to him. Just a minute. But I was still locked in place from the shock from hearing Edward’s voice.

Storm-cooled air blew through the cab of the truck.

“OH!” The breath whooshed out of Jacob like someone had punched him in the gut. “Holy crap!”

He slammed the door and twisted the keys in the ignition in the same moment. His hands were shaking so hard I didn’t know how he managed it.

“What’s wrong, Jake?”

He revved the engine too fast; it spluttered and faltered.

“Vampire,” he spit out.

The blood rushed from my head and left me dizzy. “How do you know?”

“Because I can smell it! Dammit!”

Jacob’s eyes were wild, raking the dark street. He barely seemed aware of the tremors that were rolling through his body. “Phase or get him out of here?” he hissed at himself.

He looked down at me for a split second, taking in my horror-struck eyes and white face, and then he was scanning the street again. “Right. Get you out.”

The engine caught with a roar. The tires squealed as he spun the truck around, turning toward our only escape. The headlights washed across the pavement, lit the front line of the black forest, and finally glinted off a car parked across the street from my house.

“Wait!” I gasped.

It was a black car—a car I knew. I might not know much about cars, but I could tell you everything about that particular car. It was a Mercedes S55 AMG. I knew the horsepower and the color of the interior. I knew the feel of the powerful engine purring through the frame. I knew the rick smell of the leather seats and the way the extra-dark tint made noon look like dusk through those windows.

It was Carlisle Cullen’s car.

“Wait, stop!” I cried, louder this time, because Jacob was gunning the truck down the street.

“What?!”

“It’s not Victor, Jake. Just—Just stop the car. Go back!”

He stomped on the brake so hard I had to catch myself against the dashboard.

“What?” he asked again, aghast. He stared at me with horror in his eyes.

“That’s Carlisle’s car. Carlisle Cullen’s car, I’m sure of it.”

He saw the dawning realization in my face, and a violent tremor rocked his frame.

“Jake, please breath. Calm down, it’s okay. No danger, see? Relax.”

“Yeah, calm,” he panted, putting his head down and closing his eyes. While he concentrated on not exploding into a wolf, I gently rubbed his arm trying to calm him. I furtively glanced back at the black car.

Why would they come back? It was just Carlisle, I told myself. Don’t hope for anything more. Maybe Esme… stop right there, I told myself. Why was I hoping for any of them to come back? The glimmer of excitement I felt in the pit of my stomach wasn’t healthy. I shouldn’t be excited. I was past this. At least, I thought I was.

“There’s a vampire in your house,” Jacob hissed. “And you want to go back?”

I looked deep into his dark eyes, I understood his concern. I couldn’t fault him for it.

“I… Yes, Jake.” I said, my voice was shaky. I did want to go back. But why?

Jacob’s face hardened while I stared at him, congealing into the bitter mask that I’d thought was gone for good. Just before he had the mask in place, I caught the spasm of betrayal that flashed in his eyes. My heart sank seeing that mask come back. His hands were still shaking. He looked ten years older than me.

He took a deep breath. “You sure it’s not a trick?” he asked in a slow, heavy voice.

“It’s not a trick. It’s Carlisle.” I realized why I wanted to go back—a chance at true closure. “Take me back, Jake.”

A shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. “No.”

“Jake, listen—“

“No. Take yourself back, Beau.” His voice was a slap—I flinched as the sound of it struck me. His jaw clenched and unclenched.

“Look, Beau,” he said in the same hard voice. “I can’t go back. Treaty or no treaty, that’s my enemy in there.”

“It’s not like that—“

“I have to tell Sam right away. This changes things. We can’t be caught on their territory.”

“Jake, it’s not war!”

He didn’t listen. He put the truck in neutral and jumped out the door, leaving it running.

“Bye, Beau,” he called back over his shoulder. “I really hope you don’t die.” He sprinted into the darkness, shaking so hard that his shape seemed blurred; he disappeared before I could open my mouth to call him back. I desperately wanted to explain to him why I needed to go back, what I was really after.

Remorse pinned me against the seat for one long second. What had I just done to Jacob?

I reluctantly slid across the seat and put the truck back in drive. My hands were shaking almost as hard as Jake’s had been, and this took a minute of concentration. Then I carefully turned the truck and drove it back to my house.

It was very dark when I turned off the headlights. Charlie had left in such a hurry that he’d forgotten to leave the porch lamp on. I felt a pang of doubt, staring at the house, deep in shadow. What if it was a trick? Worse yet, what if it didn’t help me? What if it just made things worse?

I looked back at the black car, almost invisible in the night. No. I knew that car.

Still, my hands were shaking even worse than before as I reached for the key above the door. When I grabbed the doorknob to unlock it, it twisted easily under my hand. I let the door fall open. The hallway was black.

I wanted to call out a greeting, but my throat was too dry. I couldn’t quite seem to catch my breath.

I took a step inside and fumbled for the light switch. It was so black—like the black water… Where was that switch?

Just like the black water, with the orange flame flickering impossibly on top of it. Flame that couldn’t be a fire, but what then…? My fingers traced the wall, still searching, still shaking—

Suddenly, something Jacob had told me this afternoon echoed in my head, finally sinking in….He took off into the water, he’d said. The bloodsuckers have the advantage there. That’s why I raced home—I was afraid He was going to double back swimming.

My hand froze in its searching, my whole body froze into place, as I realized why I recognized the strange orange color on the water.

Victor’s hair, blowing wild in the wind, the color of fire…

He’d been right there. Right there in the harbor with me and Jacob. If Sam hadn’t been there, if it had been just the two of us…? I couldn’t breathe or move.

The light flicked on, though my frozen hand had still not found the switch.

Almost everything was back to normal in less time than I would have believed possible. The hospital welcomed Carlisle back with eager arms, not even bothering to conceal their delight that Esme had found life in L.A. so little to her liking. Thanks to the Calculus test I’d missed while abroad, Alice and Edward were in better shape to graduate than I was at the moment. Suddenly, it was time for me to start thinking about college. I had to kick myself for not being more on top of things. Many deadlines had passed me by, but Edward had a new stack of applications for me to fill out every day. He’d already done the Harvard route, so it didn’t bother him that, thanks to my procrastination, we might both end up at Peninsula Community College next year.

Charlie was still not entirely happy with me, or speaking to Edward. However, he saw something in me that reassured him that I would be okay this time and at least Edward was allowed—during designated visiting hours—inside the house again. I still wasn’t allowed out of the house, though.

School and work were the only exceptions, and the dreary, dull yellow walls of my classrooms had become oddly inviting to me of late. I think I was developing cabin fever. It didn’t hurt the situation that I had someone in the desk beside me again.

Edward had resumed his schedule from the beginning of the year, which put him in most of my classes again. After last fall, after the Cullens’ supposed move to L.A., the seat beside me had never been filled. Even Mike, always eager to take any advantage, had kept a safe distance. With Edward back in my life, it was almost as if the last eight months were just a disturbing nightmare.

Almost, but not quite. There was the house arrest situation, for one thing. And for another, before the fall, I hadn’t been best friends with Jacob Black. So, of course, I hadn’t missed him then.

I was desperate to see him, to talk to him again. But I wasn’t at liberty to go to La Push, and Jacob wasn’t coming to see me. He wouldn’t even answer my phone calls.

I made these calls mostly at night, after Edward had been kicked out—promptly at nine by a gruffly protective Charlie—and before Edward snuck back through my window when Charlie was asleep. I chose that time to make my fruitless calls because I’d noticed that Edward made a certain face every time I mentioned Jacob’s name. Sort of disapproving and wary …maybe even angry. I hoped that he had some reciprocal prejudice against the werewolves, and not that he secretly begrudged how close I had gotten to Jacob in his absence.

So, I didn’t mention Jacob much.

With Edward constantly trying to win back my trust, it was hard to think about unhappy things—even my former best friend and almost love, who was probably very unhappy right now, due to me. When I did think of Jake, I always felt guilty for not thinking of him more.

I couldn’t stop thinking of Jacob, even with Edward back. Yes, I did love Edward, very much, but I couldn’t deny where things had been left with Jacob. I had been seconds, a breath away, from choosing Jacob. I couldn’t just forget about that now. Even if I had left so suddenly to go to Edward.

Weeks passed, and Jacob still wouldn’t answer my calls. It started to become a constant worry. Like a dripping faucet in the back of my head that I couldn’t shut off or ignore. Drip, drip, drip. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob.

Even though I didn’t mention Jacob much to Edward, eventually my frustration and anxiety boiled over.

“It’s just… just rude!” I vented one Saturday afternoon when Edward picked me up from work. Being angry about things was easier than feeling guilty. “Downright insulting!”

I’d varied my pattern, in hopes of a different response. I’d called Jake from work this time, only to get an unhelpful Billy. Again.

“Billy said he didn’t want to talk to me,” I fumed, glaring at the rain oozing down the passenger window. “That he was there, and wouldn’t walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy just says he’s out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it.” I huffed, and sunk deeper into my seat. Finally I let out a sad sigh. “I guess Billy hates me now too.”

“It’s not you, Beau,” Edward said quietly. “Nobody hates you.”

“You didn’t see Jacob’s face when I left,” I said quietly. “Honestly, he has every right to hate me after everything.”

“Jacob knows we’re back, and I’m sure he’s ascertained that I’m with you,” Edward said. “He won’t come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply.”

“Sure, sure. But he knows you’re not… like other vampires.”

“There’s still good reason to keep a safe distance.”

I glared blindly out the windshield, seeing only Jacob’s face, set in the bitter mask I hated.

“Beau, we are what we are,” Edward said quietly. “I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He’s very young. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don’t know if I could stop it before I k—“ he broke off, and then quickly continued. “Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don’t want that to happen.”

I remembered what Jacob had said in the kitchen, hearing the words with perfect recall in his husky voice. I’m not sure that I’m even-tempered enough to handle that…. You probably wouldn’t like it so much if I killed your friend. But he’d been able to handle it, that time….

“Edward Cullen,” I whispered. “Were you about to say ‘killed him’? Were you?”

He looked away from me, staring into the rain. In front of us, the red light I hadn’t notice turned green and he started driving again, driving very slowly. Not his usual way of driving.

“I would try… very hard… not to do that,” Edward finally said.

I stared at him with my mouth hanging open, but he continued to look straight ahead. We were paused at the corner stop sign.

Abruptly, I remembered what had happened to Paris when Romeo came back. The stage directions were simple: They fight. Paris falls.

“Well,” I said, and took a deep breath, shaking my head to dispel the words in my head. “Nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there’s no reason to worry about it. Because I hope you know I would never forgive you if you… If that happened. So you make sure that never happens, okay?”

“Yes, sir.” He said with a serious expression.

“You better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late. You know Charlie’s staring at the clock right now.”

I turned my face up toward him, to smile-halfheartedly.

My heart stopped when I saw the grave expression on his statue-still face.

“You’re already in more trouble, Beau,” he whispered through unmoving lips.

I followed his gaze to see what he was seeing. I don’t know what I expected—maybe Victor standing in the middle of the street, his flaming red hair blowing in the wind, or a line of tall black cloaks… But I didn’t see anything at all.

“What? What is it?”

He took a deep breath. “Charlie…”

“My dad?” I tensed, panicked.

He looked down at me then, and his expression was calm enough to ease some of my panic.

“Charlie… is probably not going to kill you, but the tone of his thoughts are not… good,” he told me. He started to drive forward again, down my street, but he passed the house and parked by the edge of the trees.

“What did I do?” I gasped.

Edward glanced back at Charlie’s house. I followed his gaze, and noticed for the first time what was parked in the driveway next to the cruiser. Shiny, bright red, impossible to miss. My motorcycle, flaunting itself in the driveway.

Edward had said that Charlie was ready to kill me, so he must know that—that it was mine. There was only one person who could be behind this.

“No!” I gasped. “Why? Why would Jacob do this to me?” The sting of betrayal washed through me. I had trusted Jacob implicitly— trusted him with every single secret I had. He was supposed to be my safe harbor— the person I could always rely on. Of course things were strained right now, but I didn’t think any of the underlying foundation had changed. I didn’t think that was changeable!

What had I done to deserve this? Charlie was going to be so mad— and worse than that, he was going to be hurt and worried. Didn’t he have enough to deal with already? I would have never imagined that Jake could be so petty and just plain mean.

But I knew what I had done to deserve this. I had hurt him deeply. I couldn’t be mad at this betrayal because I had betrayed him first. He had put everything on the table, offered me everything, and I had run out on him.

“Is he still here?” I craned my neck, scanning the area.

“Yes. He’s waiting for us there.” Edward told me, nodding toward the slender path that divided the dark fringe of the forest in two.

I jumped out of the car, launching myself toward the trees. I felt a strange tightness in my chest. I needed to talk to Jacob. Now.

Why did Edward have to be so much faster than me?

He caught me around the waist before I made the path.

“Let me go! Let me go, Edward!” I shouted, pulling frantically away from his arms.

“Charlie will hear you, “Edward warned me. “And once he gets you inside, he may brick over the doorway.”

I glanced back at the house instinctively, and it seemed like the glossy red bike was all I could see. I was going to pay for that, I was sure.

“I need to talk to Jake, Edward, and then I’ll talk to Charlie.” I continued to struggle futilely.

“Jacob Black wants to see me. That’s why he’s still here.”

That stopped me cold—took it right out of me. My arms went limp. They fight; Paris falls.

My stomach dropped, my heart throbbed in my chest.

“Talk?” I asked.

“More or less.”

“How much more?” My voice shook.

Edward ran his hand through my hair. “Don’t worry, he’s not here to fight me. He’s acting as… spokesperson for the pack.”

“Oh.”

Edward looked at the house again, then tightened his arm around my waist and pulled me toward the woods. “We should hurry. Charlie’s getting impatient.”

We didn’t have to go far; Jacob waited just a short way up the path. He lounged against a mossy tree trunk as he waited, his face hard and bitter, exactly the way I knew it would be. He looked at me, and then at Edward. Jacob’s mouth stretched into a humorless sneer, and he shrugged away from the tree. He stood on the balls of his bare feet, leaning slightly forward, with his trembling hands clenched into fists. He looked bigger than the last time I’d seen him. Somehow, impossibly, he was still growing. He would tower over Edward, if they stood next to each other.

But Edward stopped as soon as we saw him, leaving a wide space between us and Jacob. Edward turned his body, shifting me so that I was behind him. I leaned around him to stare at Jacob—to show my disapproval at his actions.

I would have thought that seeing his resentful, cynical expression would only make me angry. Instead, it reminded me of the last time I’d seen him, with tears in his eyes. Any feeling of betrayal weakened, faltered, as I stared at Jacob. It had been so long since I’d seen him— I hated that our reunion had to be like this. I realized what the strange feeling in my chest was. It was that last break in my heart I had felt when I left him throbbing anew.

“Beau,” Jacob said as a greeting, nodding once toward me without looking away from Edward.

“Why?” I whispered, trying to hide the sound of the lump in my throat. “Why did you do that? How could you do that, Jacob?”

The sneer vanished, but his face stayed hard and rigid. “It’s for the best.”

“What is that supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to strangle me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to him?”

Jacob winced, and his eyebrows pulled together, but he didn’t answer.

“He didn’t want to hurt anyone—he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn’t be allowed to spend time with me,” Edward murmured, explaining the thoughts Jacob wouldn’t say.

Jacob’s eyes sparked with hate as he glowered at Edward again.

“Aw, Jake!” I groaned. “I’m already grounded! Why do you think I haven’t been down to La Push to see you? Or to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?”

Jacob’s eyes flashed back to me, confused for the first time. “That’s why?” he asked, and then locked his jaw, like he was sorry he’d said anything.

“He thought I wouldn’t let you, not Charlie,” Edward explained again.

“Stop that,” Jacob snapped.

Edward didn’t answer.

Jacob shuddered once, and then gritted his teeth as hard as his fists. “Beau wasn’t exaggerating about your… abilities,” he said through his teeth. “So you must already know why I’m here.”

“Yes,” Edward agreed in a soft voice. “But, before you begin, I need to say something.”

Jacob waited, clenching and unclenching his hands as he tried to control the shivers rolling down his arms.

“Thank you,” Edward said, and his voice throbbed with the depth of his sincerity. “I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my… existence.”

Jacob stared at him blankly, his shudders stilled by surprise. He exchanged a quick glance with me, but my face was just as mystified.

“For keeping Beau alive,” Edward clarified, his voice rough and fervent. “When I… didn’t.”

Understanding washed over Jacob’s face before the hard mask returned. “I didn’t do it for your benefit.”

“I know. But that doesn’t erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there’s ever anything in my power to do for you…”

Jacob raised one black brow.

Edward shook his head. “That’s not in my power.”

“Whose, then?” Jacob growled.

Edward looked down at me. “His. I’m a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don’t make the same mistake twice. I’m here until Beau orders me away.”

It wasn’t hard to understand what I’d missed in the conversation. The only thing that Jacob would want from Edward would be his absence.

I didn’t speak. I stared back at Edward for a moment, then sighed.

I turned to Jacob slowly. “Was there something else you needed, Jake? You wanted me in trouble— mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school and then I won’t be able to see either of you, so I hope you’re happy. So what else did you come for?”

Jacob kept his eyes on Edward. “I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty that is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute.”

“We haven’t forgotten,” Edward said at the same time that I demanded, “What key points?”

Jacob still glowered at Edward, but he answered me. “The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over. Bite, not kill,” he emphasized. Finally, he looked at me. His eyes were cold.

It only took me a second to grasp the distinction, and then my face went pale.

“That’s complicated, Jake, I don’t want to get you involved. It’s not your business.”

“The hell it—” was all he managed to choke out.

I didn’t expect my lack of an explanation to bring on such a strong response. Despite the warning he’d come to give, he must not have thought it was an actual possibility. He must have thought the warning was just a precaution. How could he have known what had happened in Italy and how could I explain the situation I was in now?

Jacob was in a fit of near convulsions. He pressed his fists hard against his temples, closing his eyes tight and curling in on himself as he tried to control the spasms. His face turned sallow green under the russet skin.

“Jake? You okay?” I asked anxiously.

I took a half-step toward him, then Edward caught me and yanked me back behind his own body. “Careful! He’s not under control,” he warned me.

But Jacob was already somewhat himself again; only his arms were shaking now. He scowled at Edward with pure hate. “Ugh. I would never hurt him.”

Neither Edward or I missed the inflection, or the accusation it contained. A low hiss escaped Edward’s lips. Jacob clenched his fists reflexively.

“BEAU!” Charlie’s roar echoed from the direction of the house. “YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!”

All of us froze, listening to the silence that followed.

I was the first to speak; my voice trembled. “Crap.”

Jacob’s furious expression faltered. “I am sorry about that,” he muttered. “I had to do what I could— I had to try.…”

“I guess I can’t fault you for it,” I sighed. I stared up the path, half-expecting Charlie to come barreling through the wet ferns like an enraged bull. I would be the red flag in that scenario.

“Just one more thing,” Edward said to me, and then he looked at Jacob. “We’ve found no trace of Victor on our side of the line— have you?” He knew the answer as soon as Jacob thought it, but Jacob spoke the answer anyway. “The last time was while Beau was… away. We let the bloodsucker think he was slipping through— we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush him—”

Ice shot down my spine.

“But then he took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, he caught your little female’s scent and bailed. He hasn’t come near our lands since.”

Edward nodded. “When he comes back, he’s not your problem anymore. We’ll—”

“He killed on our turf,” Jacob hissed. “He’s ours!”

“No—,” I began to protest both declarations.

“BEAU! I SEE HIS CAR AND I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN’T INSIDE THIS HOUSE IN ONE MINUTE…!” Charlie didn’t bother to finish his threat.

“Let’s go,” Edward said.

I looked back at Jacob, torn. Would I see him again?

“Sorry,” he whispered so low that I had to read his lips to understand. “’ Bye, Beau.”

“You promised,” I reminded him desperately. “Jake, please.”

Jacob shook his head slowly, and the lump in my throat nearly strangled me.

“You know how hard I’ve tried to keep that promise, but… I can’t see how to keep trying. Not now…” He struggled to keep his hard mask in place, but it wavered, and then disappeared. “Miss you,” he mouthed. One of his hands reached toward me, his fingers outstretched, like he wished they were long enough to cross the distance between us.

“Me, too,” I choked out. My hand reached toward his across the wide space. Like we were connected, the echo of his pain twisted inside me. His pain, my pain.

“Jake…” I took a step toward him. I wanted to wrap my arms around his waist and erase the expression of misery on his face.

Edward pulled me back again, his arms restraining instead of defending.

“It’s okay,” I promised him, looking up with surprise in my face.

His eyes were unreadable, his face expressionless. Cold. “No, it’s not.”

It dawned on me then that Edward would see Jacob’s thoughts, and I had a pretty good idea of what thoughts were flashing through Jacob’s mind right now. I felt my face get hot.

“Edward, please…” I tried to move away, but Edward pulled me back again.

“Let him go,” Jacob snarled, furious again. “He wants to!” He took two long strides forward. A glint of anticipation flashed in his eyes. His chest seemed to swell as it shuddered.

Edward pushed me behind himself, wheeling to face Jacob.

“No! Edward!” I shoved myself back between them, holding my arms out against their chests. They both pushed against me slightly. “Stop! Both of you stop!”

They glared at each other for a long moment.

“Edward, go stand over there.” I finally said.

His eyes shot to me, but I avoided his gaze.

“Read his mind, is he going to hurt me?” I asked impatiently.

Edward hesitated for a moment before finally moving away.

I turned to Jacob, his eyes were on Edward and his face was still angry. His body was shaking slightly.

“Jake,” I reached out and touched his arm. His attention immediately refocused to me.

In that moment, I found myself looking at everything that had happened. Every moment with Edward from the beginning to now flashing through my mind, and every moment with Jacob at odds with it. I loved Edward, that much I knew. Standing here, though, I realized, I was never just settling for Jacob; I loved him, too.

My heart didn’t just belong to Edward anymore, I couldn’t deny that. Jacob held a part of my heart just as firmly.

“Jake, please, I can’t do this.”

The way he looked down at me reminded me of the last time I’d seen him, before I left for Italy. “Beau…” He reached up and touched my cheek.

“Jake, I…” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, there was no holding back my emotions. I felt the tears forming in my eyes. “Jake, I love you.” I whispered. “You know I do.”

I felt him move closer to me, his hand on my waist.

“But don’t ask me to choose.”

He froze.

“Because I can’t make a decision here, now. I know that’s not fair to anyone. After everything that happened I can’t just cut off one of you to be with the other. My heart can’t handle that. So, please, don’t make me choose.”

I felt his hand fall away from my waist, and I knew I had ruined everything. There was no fixing this. I felt a sob break through my chest, my hands flew to my face to try, in vain, to hide my tears.

“I’m sorry, Jake, I’m sorry…” I sobbed.

I suddenly felt myself being pulled forward. Jacob was wrapping me in his arms, pulling me against his chest. He held me tightly in his warm embrace and I sobbed against his chest.

“Shh,” his hand stroked the back of my head, “It’s okay, Beau.”

“I’m sorry, Jake,” I continued to cry, “It’s not okay. I’m not being fair to you, I know that but—“

“Beau,” Jacob gently pushed me back, and lifted my chin to look at his face. “I told you once I could wait. That hasn’t changed.” He managed a half-smile. “Because I’m not giving up. I’ve got loads of time.”

I remembered the last time he said those words to me, what felt like a lifetime ago when we were both just ordinary humans, sitting in the lobby of a movie theatre. Selfish as it was, I hoped he was telling me the truth.

He leaned forward then, and gently kissed my forehead. He pulled me into one more tight hug, before letting me go and slowly backing away.

“BEAUREGARD SWAN!” Charlie’s voice echoed from the house again.

“Beau,” Edward’s voice came from behind me, “we should go.”

Jacob’s expression immediately changed into the bitter mask. He backed away even further as Edward approached.

Edward nodded once toward Jacob, and gently tugged me back towards the house. I let Edward guide me but I kept my eyes on Jacob. He watched us with a dark scowl on his bitter face. The anger drained from his eyes, and then, just before the forest came between us, his face suddenly crumpled in pain.

I knew that last glimpse of his face would haunt me until I saw him smile again.

And right there I vowed that I would see him smile, and soon. I would find a way to fix this, and if it was the last thing I did, I would never lose Jacob Black as a friend.

Edward kept his arm tight around my waist, holding me close. That was the only thing that kept the tears from coming back.

I had some serious problems.

I was in love with my best friend and with the boy standing next to me.

Victor was still on the loose, putting everyone I loved in danger.

If I didn’t become a vampire soon, the Volturi would kill me.

And now it seemed that if I did, the Quileute werewolves would try to do the job themselves—along with trying to kill the Cullens. I didn’t know who would win that fight, but no outcome was acceptable.

Very serious problems. I didn’t know where to begin to find the solutions. I didn’t know who to ask for advice. I didn’t know what I, the human amidst the fantastic, could possibly do to make everyone—including myself—happy.

Edward stopped us in the middle of Charlie’s front yard, under the spruce tree. He moved so he was facing me, putting his hands on my waist.

“Beau,” his voice was soft. “I need to ask you something.”

“Edward…” I began, “I’m… sure you read Jacob’s mind. Can you please wait until I’ve had time to process everything before we talk about this?” I felt tense and anxious.

“Beau, I told you before, I couldn’t blame you if you had moved on.” His voice was even, but the pain was evident in his eyes. “But I know you still love me.”

“I do,” I whispered.

“And I promised you I would show you how much I love you, and I promised I would prove to you that I want you forever.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Then, I have to ask you something.”

“Go ahead.” I was hesitant.

He paused for an excruciatingly long time.

“Marry me, Beau.”

I felt myself gasp quietly. My stomach filled with butterflies and my eyes widened. I couldn’t speak, my head swam, my heart pounded.

And there we stood, possibly on the edge of something amazing. This could be it, our shot at forever. I didn’t know what the future held, and I didn’t know how to fix everything. I was surrounded by danger, by loss, by heartbreak. I had gone through hell and come out the other side a better, stronger version of myself. I didn’t know what my destiny was and I didn’t know what fate might have in store for me. I didn’t have any answers.

But right here, in this one single moment, I didn’t care.