#beauxjacob

“Are you okay, Jake? Charlie said you were having a hard time… Isn’t it getting any better?”

His warm hand curled around mine. “S’not so bad,” he said, but he wouldn’t meet my eyes.

He walked slowly back to the driftwood bench, staring at the rainbow-colored pebbles, and pulling me along at his side. I sat back down on our tree, but he sat on the wet, rocky ground rather than next to me. I wondered if it was so that he could hide his face more easily. He kept my hand.

I started babbling to fill the silence. “It’s been so long since I was here. I’ve probably missed a ton of things. How are Sam and Emil? And Embry? Did Quil--?”

I broke off mid-sentence, remembering that Jacob’s friend Quil had been a sensitive subject.

“Ah, Quil,” Jacob sighed.

So then it must have happened—Quil must have joined the pack.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

To my surprise, Jacob snorted. “Don’t say that to him.”

“What do you mean?”

“Quil’s not looking for pity. Just the opposite—he’s jazzed. Totally thrilled.”

This made no sense to me. All the other wolves had been so depressed at the idea of their friend sharing their fate. “Huh?”

Jacob tilted his head back to look at me. He smiled and rolled his eyes.

“Quil thinks it’s the coolest thing that’s ever happened to him. Part of it is finally knowing what’s going on. And he’s excited to have his friends back—to be part of the ‘in crowd.’” Jacob snorted again. “Shouldn’t be surprised, I guess. It’s so Quil.”

“He likes it?”

“Honestly… most of them do,” Jacob admitted slowly. “There are definitely good sides to this—the speed, the freedom, the strength… the sense of—of family… Sam and I are the only ones who ever felt really bitter. And Sam got past that a long time ago. So I’m the crybaby now.” Jacob laughed at himself.

“You’re not a crybaby, Jake.” I paused. There were so many things I wanted to know. “Why are you and Sam different? What happened to Sam anyway? What’s his problem?” The questions tumbled out without room to answer them, and Jacob laughed again.

“That’s a long story.”

“I told you a long story. Besides, I’m not in any hurry to get back,” I said, and then I grimaced as I thought of the trouble I was in.

He looked up at me swiftly, hearing the double edge in my words. “Will he be mad at you?”

“Yes,” I admitted. “He really hates it when I do things he considers… risky.”

“Like hanging out with werewolves.”

“Yeah.”

Jacob shrugged. “So don’t go back. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“That’s a great idea,” I grumbled. “Because then he would come looking for me.”

Jacob stiffened, and then smiled bleakly. “Would he?”

“If he was afraid I was hurt or something—probably.”

“My idea’s sounding better all the time.”

“Please, Jake. That really bugs me.”

“What does?”

“That you two are so ready to kill each other!” I complained. “It makes me crazy. Why can’t you both just be civilized?”

“Is he ready to kill me?” Jacob asked with a grim smile.

“Not like you seem to be!” I snapped. “At least he can be a grown-up about this. He knows that hurting you would hurt me—and so he never would. You don’t seem to care about that at all!”

“Yeah, right,” Jacob muttered. “I’m sure he’s quite the pacifist.”

“Ugh!” I ripped my hand out of his and pushed his head away. Then I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms tightly around them.

I glared out toward the horizon.

Jacob was quiet for a few minutes. Finally, he got up off the ground and sat beside me, putting his arm around my shoulders.

“Sorry,” he said quietly. “I’ll try to behave myself.”

I didn’t answer.

“I really do care, Beau.” His thumb rubbed my shoulder. “I care about your feelings a lot. I’m really sorry.”

I sighed, but didn’t say anything.

“Do you still want to hear about Sam?” he offered.

I shrugged.

“Like I said, it’s a long story. And very… strange. And sad. There’s so many things about this new life I haven’t had time to tell you the half of it. And this thing with Sam—well, I don’t know if I’ll even be able to explain it right.”

His words pricked my curiosity in spite of my frustration.

“I’m listening,” I finally said.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the side of his face pull up in a smile.

“Sam had it so much harder than the rest of us. Because he was the first, and he was alone, and he didn’t have anyone to tell him what was happening. Sam’s grandfather died before he was born, and his father has never been around. There was no one there to recognize the signs. The first time it happened—the first time he phased—he thought he’d gone insane. It took him two weeks to calm down enough to change back.

“This was before you came to Forks, so you wouldn’t remember. Sam’s mother and Liam Clearwater had the forest rangers searching for him, the police. People thought there had been an accident or something…”

“Liam?” I asked, surprised. Liam was Harry’s oldest son. Hearing his name sent an automatic surge of pity through me. Harry Clearwater, Charlie’s life-long friend, had died of a heart attack this past spring.

His voice changed, became heavier. “Yeah. Liam and Sam were best friends in high school. Inseparable. They were always together…” he paused and glanced at me. “Everyone always just thought they were just close friends… but…” He trailed off, looking at me.

“Sam and Liam… were… they…” I couldn’t find the words, but I felt how wide my eyes were.

“Yeah, it was a big secret. They didn’t tell anyone, just kept it between themselves. They weren’t dating or anything, but they just had this connection and, well, anyway, Liam was frantic when Sam disappeared.”

“But Sam and Emily—“

“I’ll get to that—it’s part of the story,” he said. He inhaled slowly, and then exhaled in a gust.

I supposed it was silly for me to imagine that Sam had never loved anyone before Emily. Most people fall in and out of love many times in their lives. It was just that I’d seen Sam with Emily, and I couldn’t imagine him with someone else. The way he looked at her… well, it reminded me of a look I’d seen sometimes in Edward’s eyes—when he was looking at me.

“Sam came back,” Jacob said. “But he wouldn’t talk to anyone about where he’d been. Rumors flew—that he was up to no good, mostly. And then Sam happened to run into Quil’s grandfather one afternoon when Old Quil Ateara came to visit Mrs. Uley. Sam shook his hand. Old Quil just about had a stroke.” Jacob paused to laugh.

“Why?”

Jacob put his hand on my cheek and pulled my face around to look at him—he was leaning toward me, his face just a few inches away. His palm burned my skin, like he had a fever.

“Oh, right,” I breathed. It was strange, having my face so close to his with his hand hot against my skin. “Sam was running a temperature.”

Jacob laughed again. “Sam’s hand felt like he’d left it sitting on a hot stovetop.”

He was so close, I could feel his warm breath. I realized we were leaning in closer to each other, so I reached up casually, to take his hand away and free my face, but my fingers wound through his without consciously meaning to. He smiled and leaned back, I sat there blinking.

“So Mr. Ateara went straight to the other elders,” Jacob went on. “They were the only ones left who still knew, who remembered. Mr. Ateara, Billy, and Harry had actually seen their grandfathers make the change. When Old Quil told them, they met with Sam secretly and explained.

“It was easier when he understood—when he wasn’t alone anymore. They knew he wouldn’t be the only one affected by the Cullens’ return”—He pronounced the name with unconscious bitterness—“but no one else was old enough So Sam waited for the rest of us to join him…”

“The Cullens had no idea,” I said in a whisper. “They didn’t think that werewolves still existed here. They didn’t know that coming here would change you.”

“It doesn’t change the fact that it did.”

“Remind me not to get on your bad side.”

“You never could, so don’t worry about it.” He snorted. “I wish I could be as forgiving as you are, though.”

“Oh come on, Jacob, grow up.” I rolled my eyes.

“I wish I could,” he murmured quietly.

I stared at him, trying to make sense of his response. “What?”

Jacob chuckled. “One of those many strange things I mentioned.”

“You… can’t… grow up?” I said blankly. “You’re what? Not… aging? Is that a joke?”

“Nope.” He popped his lips on the P.

I felt blood flood my face. I tried to speak, but only bursts of frustrated air came out.

“Beau? What did I say?”

I was on my feet again, my hands ran through my hair in disbelief.

“You. Are. Not. Aging.” I repeated in angry shock.

Jacob tugged my arm gently, trying to make me sit. “None of us are. What’s wrong?”

“God, I’m going to be some old man surrounded by perpetual teenagers aren’t I? I’m not going to be able to have any of you stick around—I’m not going to be creepy old Swan with all his beautiful teenage friends, now am I? Oh god, how is this fair?” I felt myself deflate as the image of me, white-haired, sitting in a wheelchair, while Edward, still seventeen and beautiful, spoon-fed me my dinner before wheeling me down to La Push to visit Jacob, still just as young and beautiful, flashed through my head.

“Take it easy, Beau.”

“But, Jake, I’m literally surrounded by immortals. How do you think that makes me feel?”

“It’s not as bad as you seem to think it is. Sit down and I’ll explain.”

“I’ll stand.”

He rolled his eyes. “Okay. Whatever you want. But listen, I will get older… someday.”

“Explain.”

He patted the tree. I glowered for a second, but then sat; my anger had burned out as suddenly as it had flared and I’d calmed down enough to realize I was being stupid.

“When we get enough control to quit…,” Jacob said. “When we stop phasing for a solid length of time, we age again. It’s not easy.” He shook his head, abruptly doubtful. “It’s gonna take a really long time to learn that kind of restraint, I think. Even Sam’s not there yet. ‘Course it doesn’t help that there’s a huge coven of vampires right down the road. We can’t even think about quitting when the tribe needs protectors. But you shouldn’t get all bent out of shape about it, anyway, because I’m already older than you, physically at least.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Look at me, babe. Do I look seventeen?”

I glanced up and down his tall, muscular frame, trying to be unbiased. “Not exactly, I guess.”

“Not at all. Because we reach full growth inside of a few months when the werewolf gene gets triggered. It’s one hell of a growth spurt.” He made a face. “Physically, I’m probably twenty-five or something. So there’s no need for you to freak out about being too old for me for at least another seven years.”

Twenty-five or something. The idea messed with my head. But I remembered that growth spurt—I remembered watching him shoot up and fill out right before my eyes. I remembered how he would look different from one day to the next… I shook my head, feeling dizzy.

“So, did you want to hear about Sam, or did you want to freak out at me more for things that are out of my control?”

I took a deep breath. “Sorry. That was stupid of me. Age is a touchy subject, I guess.”

Jacob’s eyes tightened, and he looked as if he were trying to decide how to word something.

Since I didn’t want to talk about the truly touchy stuff—our escape plans, contingencies, or treaties that might be broken by said contingencies, I prompted him. “So once Sam understood what was going on, one he had Billy and Harry and Mr. Ateara, you said it wasn’t so hard anymore. And, like you also said, there are the cool parts…” I hesitated briefly. “Why does Sam hate them so much? Why does he wish I would hate them?”

Jacob sighed. “This is the sad part.”

“Okay, I’m ready.”

“Okay,” he sighed again, “So, you’re right. Sam knew what was going on, and everything was almost okay. In most ways, his life was back to, well, not normal. But better.” Then Jacob’s expression tightened, like something painful was coming. “Sam couldn’t tell Liam. We aren’t supposed to tell anyone who doesn’t have to know. And it wasn’t really safe for him to be around Liam—but he cheated, just like I did with you. Liam was furious that Sam wouldn’t just tell him what was going on—where he’d been, where he went at night, why he was always so exhausted—it started to drive a wedge between them, even if they did love each other.”

“Did Liam find out? Is that what happened?”

He shook his head. “No, that wasn’t the problem. Liam’s cousin, Emily Young, came down from the Makah reservation to visit him one weekend.”

I gasped. “Emily is Liam’s cousin?”

“Second cousins. They’re close, though. They were like brother and sister when they were kids.”

“That’s… horrible. How could Sam…?” I trailed off, shaking my head.

“Don’t judge him just yet.” Jacob sighed. “Sam was the leader of the pack. The chief, I guess.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, confused.

“Being the leader… means you have a duty. A duty to the pack, to the tribe. It’s a responsibility to be strong, to be a leader, and to ensure the future of the pack.”

Something clicked in the back of my mind. “Sam couldn’t stay with Liam.” I guessed.

Jacob’s eyes strayed to the ocean. “Sam did love Liam. But he knew he had a responsibility. The elders never forced him to do anything, but they did tell him he needed to think of the pack—of the tribe.” Jacob laughed without humor. “And, when Sam saw Emily, I mean, something changed in him. Sam reasons that it was an instinct deep inside—like a werewolf thing—that made him just know that Emily was the one…”

“Like love at first sight?” I raised an eyebrow.

“Sort of,” Jacob continued. “There are legends, that there’s something about being a werewolf where we just… connect with people—we just know. Not even the elder’s know if it’s true, but Sam believes it. He has to, I guess.”

“Do you believe it?” I asked quietly.

“I don’t know.”

I didn’t know what to say, I just watched Jacob’s face quietly.

Finally, he spoke again. “It doesn’t matter, anyway.” He shrugged indifferently. “You wanted to know what happened to Sam to make him hate the vampires for changing him, to make him hate himself. And that’s what happened. He put the tribe first. He broke Liam’s heart. He went back on every promise he’d ever made him. Every day Sam has to see the accusation in Liam’s eyes, and know that he’s right.”

He stopped talking abruptly, as if he’d said something he hadn’t meant to.

“How did Emily deal with this? If she was so close to Liam…?” Sam and Emily were utterly right together, two puzzle pieces, shaped for each other exactly. Still… How had Emily gotten past the fact that Sam had belonged to someone else? Her brother, almost.

“Emily didn’t even know about Sam and Liam. Not at first. When he told her, she was angry at Sam for breaking Liam’s heart. But she loved Sam, too. She fell for him just as bad as he did for her.” Jacob sighed. “But it just got worse. You know how she got hurt?”

“Yeah.” The story in Forks was that she was mauled by a bear, but I was in on the secret.

Werewolves are unstable, Edward had said. The people near them get hurt.

“Well, Sam was in a real bad place. Liam hated him, Emily was angry with him. He was a mess. He felt as lost and alone as he did when he first phased. He couldn’t keep control… And Emily came to talk to him, but he couldn’t keep his emotions in check…” He trailed off. “Sam was so horrified, so sickened by himself, so full of hate for what he’d done… He would have thrown himself under a bus if it would have made Emily feel better. He might have anyway, just to escape what he’d done. To her, to Liam… He was shattered…. Then, somehow, after Emily recovered she forgave him. She saw how much pain he was in. Suddenly, she was the one comforting him, and after that…”

Jacob didn’t finish his thought, and I sensed the story had gotten too personal to share.

“Poor Emily,” I whispered. “Poor Sam. Poor Liam…”

“Yeah, Liam got the worst end of the stick,” he agreed. “He puts on a brave face. He’s going to be a groomsman.”

I gazed away, toward the jagged rocks that rose from the ocean like stubby broken-off fingers on the south rim of the harbor, while I tried to make sense of it all. I could feel his eyes on my face, waiting for me to say something.

“Did it happen to you?” I finally asked, still looking away. “This love-at-first-sight thing?”

“No,” he answered briskly. “We don’t even know if it’s a real thing. Sam believes it is… but I think he has to.”

“Hmm,” I said, trying to sort through my thoughts. I didn’t know how to explain what I was feeling. Was I glad that there wasn’t some mystical, wolfy connection between the two of us? Our relationship was confusing enough as it was. I didn’t need any more of the supernatural than I already had to deal with.

He was quiet, too, and the silence dragged on.

“That’s why Sam was so against me telling you…” Jacob finally whispered.

“What?” I asked surprised.

“He couldn’t be with Liam,” Jacob explained. “It wasn’t good for the pack. It’s our duty to preserve the pack—the line—and protect the tribe.”

“Oh,” I said, for lack of anything more insightful to say.

“It took some heat off me when Jared met Kim.” Jacob rolled his eyes.

“Jared met someone?” I asked quickly, eager to steer the conversation in a different direction.

“Yeah, just some girl from school. He’d never noticed her before, but after he changed, she was the only person to go up to him and ask him if he was doing okay. He had never noticed her before, but she was so kind and she cared. So, he fell pretty hard for her. Kim was thrilled. She’d had a huge crush on him. She’d had his last name tacked on to the end of hers all over in her diary.” He laughed.

I frowned. “Did Jared tell you that? He shouldn’t have.”

Jacob bit his lip. “I guess I shouldn’t laugh. It was funny, though.”

“Some soul mate.”

He sighed. “Jared didn’t tell us anything on purpose. I already told you this part, remember?”

“Oh, yeah. You can hear each other’s thoughts, but only when you’re wolves, right?”

“Right. Just like your vampire.”

“Edward,” I corrected.

“Sure, sure. That how come I know so much about how Sam felt. It’s not like he would have told us all that if he’d had a choice. Actually, that’s something we all hate.” The bitterness was abruptly harsh in his voice. “It’s awful. No privacy, no secrets. Everything you’re ashamed of, laid out for everyone to see.” He shuddered.

“It sounds horrible,” I whispered.

“It is sometimes helpful when we need to coordinate,” he said grudgingly. “Once in a blue moon, when some bloodsucker crosses into our territory. Laurent was fun. And if the Cullen’s hadn’t gotten in our way last Saturday… ugh!” he groaned. “We could have had Victor!” His fists clenched into angry balls.

I flinched. As much as I worried about Jasper or Emmett getting hurt, it was nothing like the panic I felt at the idea of Jacob going up against Victor. Emmett and Jasper were the closest thing to indestructible I could imagine. Jacob was still warm, still comparatively human. Mortal. I thought of Jacob facing Victor, his brilliant orange hair blowing around his oddly feline face… and shuddered.

Jacob looked up at me with a curious expression. “But isn’t it like that for you all the time? Having him in your head?”

“Who? Edward? Oh, no. He’s never in my head. He only wishes.”

Jacob’s expression became confused.

“He can’t hear me,” I explained, my voice a tiny bit smug from old habit. “I’m the only one like that for him. For any vampire who can do mind stuff. We don’t know why that is.”

“Weird,” Jacob said.

“Yeah.” The smugness faded. “It probably means there’s something wrong with my brain,” I admitted.

“I already knew there was something wrong with your brain,” Jacob teased, bumping into me with his shoulder.

“Thanks.” I laughed.

The sun broke through the clouds suddenly, a surprise I hadn’t been expecting, and I had to narrow my eyes against the glare off the water. Everything changed color—the waves turned from gray to blue, the trees from dull olive to brilliant jade, and the rainbow-hued pebbles glittered like jewels.

We squinted for a moment, letting our eyes adjust. There were no sounds besides the hollow roar of the waves that echoed from every side of the sheltered harbor, the soft grinding of the stones against each other under the water’s movement, and the cry of the gulls high overhead. It was very peaceful.

Jacob settled closer to me, so that he was leaning against my arm. He was so warm. After a minute of this, I shrugged out of my rain jacket. He made a little sound of contentment in the back of his throat, and rested his check on the top of my head. I could feel the sun heat my skin—though it was note quite as warm as Jacob—and reveled in the warmth.

Absentmindedly, I twisted my right hand to the side, and watched the sunlight glitter subtly off the scar James had left there.

“What are you thinking about?” he murmured.

“The sun.”

“Mmm. It’s nice.”

“What are you thinking about?” I asked.

He chuckled to himself. “I was remembering that moronic movie you took me to. And Mike Newton puking all over everything.

I laughed, too, surprised by how important that memory had become to me over time. So much had changed that night… It was the last night Jacob and I had had before he’d learned the truth about his heritage. The last human memory. An oddly pleasant memory now.

“I miss that,” Jacob said. “The way it used to be so easy… uncomplicated. I’m glad I’ve got a good memory.” He sighed.

He felt the sudden tension in my body as his words triggered a memory of my own.

“What is it?” he asked.

“About that good memory of yours…” I pulled away from him so that I could read his face. At the moment, it was confused. “Do you mind telling me what you were doing Monday morning? You were thinking something that bothered Edward.” Bothered wasn’t quite the word for it, but I wanted an answer, so I thought it was best not to start out too severely.

Jacob’s face brightened with understanding, and a slightly guilty look crossed his face. “I was just thinking about you. Didn’t like that much, did he?”

“Me? What about me?”

Jacob laughed, though the guilty look remained. “I was remembering the way you looked that night Sam found you—I’ve seen it in his head, and it’s like I was there; that memory has always haunted Sam, you know. And then I remembered how you looked the first time you came to my place. I bet you don’t even realize what a mess you were then, Beau. It was weeks before you looked like yourself again. And I remembered how you always looked so sad, how your eyes were so empty…” Jacob winced, and then shook his head. “It’s hard for me to remember how sad you were, and it wasn’t my fault. So, when I realized he could see it too, I figured he should get a good look at what he’d done.”

I smacked his shoulder. It hurt my hand. “Jacob Black, don’t you ever do that again! Promise me you won’t.”

“No way. He deserves to see the damage he did!”

“Jake, you listen—“

“Oh, come on, babe. When am I ever going to see him again? Don’t worry about it.”

I got to my feet, and he caught my hand as I started to walk away. I tried to tug free.

“I’m leaving Jacob.”

“No, don’t go yet.” He protested, his hand tightening around mine.

“I don’t like when you’re like this, Jake.” I said, turning back to him, “It’s hard being around you.”

“Then I’ll be better,” he promised, his other hand reaching up to take mine. “I’m sorry. And… okay, I won’t do it again. Promise.”

I sighed. “Thanks, Jake.”

“Come on, we’ll go back to my house,” he said eagerly.

“Actually, I think I really do need to go. Angela Weber is expecting me, I promised I’d help her with her graduation announcements. Besides, Alice is worried, I’m sure. I don’t want to upset her too much.”

“But you just got here!”

“It feels that way,” I agreed. I glared up at the sun, somehow already directly overhead. How had the time passed so quickly?

His eyebrows pulled down over his eyes. “I don’t know when I’ll see you again,” he said in a quiet voice, and I could hear the hurt.

“I’ll come back the next time he’s away,” I promised.

“Away?” Jacob rolled his eyes. “That’s a nice way to describe what he’s doing. Disgusting parasites.”

“Jacob! What did I just tell you?” I tried to pull my hands free. He held them tightly.

“Sorry, sorry,” he said quickly, immediately repentant. He gently tugged me back towards him. “Knee-jerk reaction.”

“Listen, Jake, if I’m going to try and come back again, you’re going to have to get something straight, okay?”

He waited.

“See,” I explained. “I don’t care who’s a vampire and who’s a werewolf. That’s irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and I am Beau. And nothing else matters.”

His eyes narrowed slightly. “But I am a werewolf,” he said unwillingly. “And he is a vampire,” he added with revulsion.

“And I’m a Virgo!” I said, exasperated.

He raised his eyebrows, measuring my expression with curious eyes. Finally, he shrugged.

“If you can really see it that way…”

“I can. I do.”

“Okay. Just Beau and Jacob. None of those freaky Virgos here.” He smiled at me, the warm, familiar smile that I had missed so much. I felt the answering smile spread across my face.

Still sitting, he pulled me into a hug, wrapping his huge arms around my waist. I rested my head on top of his.

“I’ve really missed you, Jake,” I admitted. Running my fingers through his hair.

“Me, too,” He said, and I could hear the wide smile in his voice. “More than you know.” He gently pushed me back to look at my face. His eyes were happy and clear, free from all the angry bitterness. “Will you come back soon?”

“As soon as I can,” I promised.

I was having a bad week.

I knew that essentially nothing had changed. Okay, so Victor had not given up, but had I ever dreamed for one moment that he had? His reappearance had only confirmed what I had already known. No reason for fresh panic.

In theory. Not panicking was easier said than done.

Graduation was only a few weeks away, the conflict of wanting to plan for college against knowing that I would probably have to go into hiding once I was out of Charlie’s house made me feel even more panicky. With my luck, the Volturi would come knocking the second I got my diploma, and Victor would be waiting for me in the audience. I felt like a walking target.

But no one would listen to me.

Carlisle had said, “There are seven of us, Beau. And with Alice on our side, I don’t think Victor’s going to catch us off guard. Try to spend as much time as you can with Charlie while you are able.”

Esme had said, “We’d never allow anything to happen to you, sweetheart. You know that. Please don’t be anxious.” And then she’d kissed my forehead.

Emmett had said, “I’m really glad Edward didn’t kill you, big guy. Everything’s so much more fun with you around.”

Royal had glared at him.

Alice had rolled her eyes and said, “I’m offended. You’re not honestly worried about this, are you?”

“If it’s no big deal, then why did Edward drag me to Florida?” I’d demanded.

“Haven’t you noticed yet, Beau, that Edward is just the teensiest bit prone to overreaction?”

Jasper had silently erased all the panic and tension in my body with his curious talent of controlling emotional atmospheres. I’d felt reassured, and let them talk me out of my desperate panic.

Of course, the calm had worn off as soon as Edward and I had walked out of the room.

So the consensus was that I was just supposed to forget that a deranged vampire was stalking me, intent on my death. Go about my business.

I did try. And surprisingly, there were other things almost as stressful to dwell on besides my status on the endangered species list…

Because Edward’s response had been the most frustrating of them all.

“You know I won’t let anything happen to you, Beau,” He’d said. “You have nothing to worry about.”

It was ridiculous for him to say, since he had been the one to force my hand to get me out of the state for the weekend. If there was nothing to worry about he wouldn’t have manipulated the situation or lied to me.

All in all, a very bad week. And today was the worst day in it.

It was always a bad day when Edward was away. Alice had foreseen nothing out of the  ordinary this weekend, and so I’d insisted that he take the opportunity to go hunting with his brothers. I knew how it bored him to hunt the easy, nearby prey.

“Go have fun,” I’d told him. “Bag a few mountain lions for me.”

I would never admit to him how hard it was for me when he was gone—how I felt exposed and unsafe. If he knew that, he would fret endlessly and would be afraid to ever leave me, even for the most necessary reasons. We had only just gotten to the point where he would leave me at all since he’d first returned from Italy. He would refuse to leave—out of guilt, mostly—until he couldn’t possibly stand it. His golden eyes had turned black and he’d suffered from his thirst more than it was already necessary that he suffer. So I had to be the responsible one and all but kicked him out the door whenever Emmett and Jasper wanted to go.

I think he could understand my reservations about him leaving, though. This morning there had been a note left on my pillow:

 I’ll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me. Look after my heart—I’ve left it with you

 So now I had a big empty Saturday with nothing but my morning shift at Newton’s Olympic Outfitters to distract me. And, of course, the oh-so-comforting promise from Alice.

“I’m staying close to home to hunt. I’ll only be fifteen minutes away if you need me. I’ll keep an eye out for trouble.”

Translation: don’t try anything funny just because Edward is gone.

Alice was certainly just as capable of crippling my truck as Edward was.

Even though Alice’s presence was a comfort, I couldn’t help but be annoyed that I couldn’t go down to La Push and see Jacob.

I tried to look on the bright side. After work, I had plans to help Angela with her announcements, so that would be a distraction. And Charlie was in an excellent mood today—no doubt due to Edward’s absence—so I might as well enjoy that while it lasted. Alice would spend the night with me if I felt nervous enough to ask her to. And then tomorrow, Edward would be home. I would survive.

Not wanting to be ridiculously early for work, I ate my breakfast slowly, one Cheerio at a time. Then, after I’d washed the dishes, I arranged the magnets on the fridge into a perfect line. Maybe I was losing my mind a little.

The last two magnets—round black utilitarian pieces that were my favorites because they could hold ten sheets of paper to the fridge without breaking a sweat—did not want to cooperate with my fixation. Their polarities were reversed; every time I tried to line the last one up, the other jumped out of place.

For some reason—impending mania, perhaps—this really irritated me. Why couldn’t they just play nice? Stupid with stubbornness, I kept shoving them together as if I was expecting them to suddenly give up. I could have flipped one over, but that felt like losing. Finally, exasperated at myself more than the magnets, I pulled them from the fridge and held them together with two hands. It took a little effort—they were strong enough to put up a fight—but I forced them coexist side-by-side.

“See,” I said out loud—talking to inanimate objects, never a good sign—“That’s not so horrible, is it?”

I stood there like an idiot for a second, not quite able to admit that I wasn’t having any lasting effect against scientific principles. Then, with a sigh, I put the magnets back on the fridge, a foot apart.

“There’s no need to be so inflexible,” I muttered.

It was still too early, but I’d decided I’d better get out of the house before the inanimate objects started talking back.

When I got to Newton’s, Mike was methodically dry mopping the aisles while his mom arranged a new counter display. I caught them in the middle of an argument, unaware that I had arrived.

“But it’s the only time that Tyler can go,” Mike complained. “You said after graduation—“

“You’re just going to have to wait,” Mrs. Newton snapped. “You and Tyler can think of something else to do. You are not going to Seattle until the police stop whatever is going on there. I know Beth Crowley has told Tyler the same thing, so don’t act like I’m the bad guy—oh, good morning, Beau,” she said when she caught sight of me, brightening her tone quickly. “You’re early.”

Karen Newton was the last person I’d think to ask for help in an outdoor sports equipment store. Her perfectly highlighted blond hair was always smoothed into an elegant twist on the back of her neck, her fingernails were polished by professionals, as were her toenails—visible through the strappy high heels that didn’t resemble anything Newton’s offered on the long row of hiking boots.

“Light traffic,” I joked as I grabbed my hideous fluorescent orange vest out from under the counter. I was surprised that Mrs. Newton was as worked up about this Seattle thing as Charlie. I’d thought he was going to extremes.

“Well, er…” Mrs. Newton hesitated for a moment, playing uncomfortably with a stack of flyers she was arranging by the register.

I stopped with one arm in my vest. I knew that look.

When I’d let the Newton’s know that I wouldn’t be working here this summer—abandoning them in their busiest season, in effect—they’d started training Katie Marshall to take my place. They couldn’t really afford both of us on the payroll at the same time, so when it looked like a slow day…

“I was going to call,” Mrs. Newton continued. “I don’t think we’re expecting a ton of business today. Mike and I can probably handle things. I’m sorry you got up and drove out…”

On a normal day, I would be ecstatic with this turn of events. Today… not so much.

“Okay, no worries,” I said, trying to keep my voice light. What was I going to do now?

“That’s not fair, Mom,” Mike said. “If Beau wants to work—“

“No, it’s okay, Mrs. Newton. Really, Mike. I’ve got finals to study for and stuff…” I didn’t want to be a source of familial discord when they were already arguing.

“Thanks, Beau. Mike, you missed aisle four. Um, Beau, do you mind throwing these flyers in a dumpster on the way out? I told the girl who left them here that I’d put them on the counter, but I really don’t have the room.”

“Sure, no problem.” I put my vest away, and then tucked the flyers under my arm and headed out into the misty rain.

The dumpster was around the side of Newton’s, next to where we employees were supposed to park. I shuffled along, kicking pebbles petulantly on my way. I was about to fling the stack of bright yellow papers into the trash when the heading printed in bold across the top caught my eyes. One word in particular seized my attention.

I clutched the papers in both hands as I stared at the picture beneath the caption. A lump rose in my throat.

 SAVE THE OLYMPIC WOLF

 Under the words, there was a detailed drawing of a wolf in front of a fir tree, it’s head thrown back in the act of baying at the moon. It was a disconcerting picture; something about the wolf’s plaintive posture made him look forlorn. Like he was howling in grief.

And then I was running to my truck, the flyers still locked in my grip.

Fifteen minutes—that’s all I had. But it should be long enough. It was only fifteen minutes to La Push, and surely I would cross the boundary line a few minutes before I hit the town.

My truck roared to life without any difficulty.

Alice couldn’t have seen me doing this, because I hadn’t been planning it. A snap decision, that was the key! And as long as I moved fast enough, I should be able to capitalize on it.

I’d thrown the damp flyers in my haste and they were scattered in a bright mess across the passenger seat—a hundred bolded captions, a hundred dark howling wolves outlined against the yellow background.

I barreled down the wet highway, turning the windshield wipers on high and ignoring the groan of the ancient engine. Fifty-five was the most I could coax out of my truck, and I prayed it would be enough.

I had no clue where the boundary line was, but I began to feel safer as I passed the first houses outside La Push. This must be beyond where Alice was allowed to follow.

I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, I didn’t need to look at the screen to tell me who was calling. I would call Alice back when I got to Angela’s this afternoon, I reasoned, so that she’d know I was fine. I didn’t feel like getting Alice worked up now. She didn’t need to be mad at me—Edward would be angry enough for two when he got back.

My truck was positively wheezing by the time it grated to a stop in front of the familiar faded red house.  The lump came back to my throat as I stared at the little place that had once been my refuge. It had been so long since I’d been here.

Before I could cut the engine, Jacob was standing in the door, his face blank with shock.

In the sudden silence when the truck-roar died, I heard him gasp.

“Beau?”

“Hey, Jake!”

“Beau!” he yelled back, and the smile I’d been waiting for stretched across his face like the sun breaking free of the clouds. His teeth gleamed bright against his russet skin. “I can’t believe it!”

He ran to the truck and I practically flung myself out of the cab, and then we were both jumping up and down like kids.

“How did you get here?”

“I snuck out!”

“Awesome!”

“Hey, Beau!” Billy had rolled himself into the doorway to see what all the commotion was about.

“Hey, Bil--!”

Just then my air choked off—Jacob grabbed me up into a bear hug and swung me around in a circle.

“Wow, it’s good to see you here!”

“Easy, Jake! Can’t… breath,” I laughed.

He chuckled and put me down.

“Welcome back, Beau,” he said, grinning. And the way he said the words made it sound like welcome home.

We started walking, too keyed up to sit still in the house. Jacob was practically bouncing as he moved, and I had to remind him a few times that my legs weren’t ten feet long.

As we walked, I felt myself settling into another version of myself, the self I had been with Jacob. A little younger, a little less responsible. Someone who might, on occasion, do something really stupid for no good reason.

Our exuberance lasted through the first few topics of conversation: how we were doing, what we were up to, how long I had, and what had brought me here. When I hesitantly told him about the wolf flyer, his bellowing laugh echoed back from the trees.

But then, as we ambled past the back of the store and shoved through the thick scrub that ringed the far edge of First Beach, we got to the hard parts. All too soon we had to talk about the reason behind our long separation, and I watched as the face of my friend hardened into the bitter mask that was already too familiar.

“So what’s the story, anyway?” Jacob asked me, kicking a piece of driftwood out of his way with too much force. It sailed over the sand and then clattered against the rocks. “I mean, since the last time we… well, before, you know…” He struggled for the words. He took a deep breath and tried again. “What I’m asking is… everything is just back to the way it was before he left? You forgave him for all of that?”

I took a deep breath. “I didn’t just forgive him. Believe me, he’s been making up for it every day since he came back. I’m not giving out any free passes here.”

I wanted to skip past this part, the betrayals, the accusations, but I knew that we had to talk it through before we’d be able to move on to anything else.

Jacob’s face puckered up like he’d just licked a lemon. “I don’t think you should’ve even given him a chance.” He huffed. “I wish Sam had taken a picture when he found you that night last September. It would be exhibit A.”

“Nobody’s on trial.”

“Maybe somebody should be.”

“Not even you would blame him for leaving, if you knew the reason why.”

He glared at me a few seconds. “Okay,” he challenged. “Amaze me.”

His attitude was wearing on me; it hurt to have him upset with me. It reminded me of the bleak afternoon, long ago, when—under orders from Sam—he’d told me we couldn’t be friends. I took a second to compose myself.

“Edward left me last fall because he didn’t think I should be hanging out with vampires. He thought it would be better for me if he left.”

Jake did a double take. He had to scramble for a minute. Whatever he’d been planning to say, it clearly no longer applied. I was glad he didn’t know the catalyst behind Edward’s decision. I could only imagine what he’d think if he knew Jasper had tried to kill me.

“He came back, though, didn’t he?” Jacob muttered. “Too bad he can’t stick to a decision.”

“If you remember, I went and got him.”

Jacob stared at me for a moment, and then he backed off. His face relaxed, and his voice was calmer when he spoke.

“That’s true. So I never did get the story. What happened?”

I hesitated, biting my lip.

“Is it a secret?” He raised an eyebrow. “Are you not allowed to tell me?”

“No,” I replied. “It’s just a really long story.”

Jacob smiled, and held out his hand. I hesitated for only a second before I took his hand. He grinned wider and turned to lead me up the beach.

We immediately fell into our old rapport as we walked along. Jacob swung our arms playfully as we strolled and I couldn’t help but laugh. I was glad I wasn’t in a rush, after all, I was going to have to face Alice when I got home… and I was in no hurry to experience that.

Jacob led us to a huge, familiar piece of driftwood—an entire tree, roots and all, bleached white and beached deep in the sand; it was our tree, in a way.

Jacob sat down on the natural bench, and patted the space next to him.

“I don’t mind long stories. Is there any action?”

I laughed as I sat next to him. “There’s some action,” I allowed.

“It wouldn’t be real horror without any action.”

“Horror!” I scoffed. “You don’t know the half of it. Now, will you listen, or will you be interrupting me with rude comments about my friends?”

He pretended to lock his lips and then threw the invisible key over his shoulder. I tried not to smile, and failed.

“I’ll have to start with the stuff you were already there for,” I decided, working to organize the stories in my head before I began.

Jacob raised his hand.

“Go ahead.”

“That’s good,” he said. “I didn’t understand much that was going on at the time.”

“Yeah, well, it gets complicated, so pay attention. You know how Alice sees things?”

I took his slight scowl—the wolves weren’t thrilled that the legends of vampires possessing supernatural gifts were true—for a yes, and proceeded with the account of my race through Italy to rescue Edward.

I kept it as succinct as possible—leaving out anything that wasn’t essential. I tried to read Jacob’s reactions, but his face was enigmatic as I explained how Alice had seen Edward plan to kill himself when he’d heard that I was dead. Sometimes Jacob seemed so deep in though, I wasn’t sure if he was listening. He only interrupted me one time.

“The fortune-telling bloodsucker can’t see us?” he echoed, his face both fierce and gleeful. “Seriously? That’s excellent!”

I pursed my lips and raised my eyebrow, and we sat in silence, his face expectant as he waited for me to continue. I glared at him until he realized his mistake.

“Oops!” he said. “Sorry.” He locked his lips again.

His response was easier to read when I got to the part about the Volturi. His teeth clenched together, goose bumps rose on his arms, and his nostrils flared. I didn’t go into specifics, I just told him that Edward had talked us out of trouble, without revealing the promise we’d been forced to make, or the visit we were anticipating. Jacob didn’t need to have my nightmares.

“Now you know the whole story,” I concluded. “So it’s your turn to talk. What happened while I was with my mom this weekend?” I knew Jacob would give more details than Edward had. He wasn’t afraid of scaring me.

Jacob leaned forward, instantly animated. “So Embry and Quil and I were running patrol on Saturday night, just routine stuff, when out of nowhere—bam!” He threw his arms out, impersonating an explosion. “There it is—a fresh trail, not fifteen minutes old. Sam wanted us to wait for him, but I didn’t know you were gone, and I didn’t know if your bloodsuckers were keeping an eye on you or not. So we took off after the redhead at full speed, but he’d crossed the treaty line before we caught up. We spread out along the line, hoping he’d cross back over. It was frustrating, let me tell you.” He wagged his head and his hair—growing out from the short crop he’d adopted when he’d joined the pack—flopped into his eyes. “We ended up too far south. The Cullens chased him back to our side just a few miles north of us. Would have been the perfect ambush if we’d have known where to wait.”

He shook his head, grimacing now. “That’s when it got dicey. Sam and the others caught up to him before we did, but he was dancing right along the line, and the whole coven was right there on the other side. The big one, what’s-his-name—“

“Emmett.”

“Yeah, him. He made a lunge for him, but that redhead is fast! Emmett flew right behind him and almost rammed into Paul. So, Paul… well, you know Paul.”

“Yeah.”

“Lost his focus. Can’t say that I blame him—the big guy was right on top of him. Paul sprang—hey, don’t give me that look. The vampire was on our land.”

I tried to compose my face so that he would go on. My nails were digging into my palms with the stress of the story, even though I knew it had turned out fine.

“Anyway, Paul missed, and the big one got back on his side. But by then the, er, well the, uh, blond…” Jacob’s expression was a comical mix of disdain and unwilling admiration as he tried to come up with a word to describe Edward’s brother.

“Royal.”

“Him. Well, he got real territorial, so Sam and I fell back to get Paul’s flanks. Then their leader and the other blond mail—“

“Carlisle and Jasper.”

He gave me an exasperated look. “You know I don’t really care. Anyway, so Carlisle spoke to Sam, trying to calm things down. Then it was weird, because everyone got really calm really fast. It was that other one you told me about, messing with our heads. But even though we knew what he was doing, we couldn’t not be calm.”

“Yeah, I know how it feels.”

“Really annoying, that’s how it feels. Only you can’t be annoyed until afterwards.” He shook his head annoyed. “So Sam and the head vamp agreed that Victor was the priority, and we started after him again. Carlisle gave us the line, so that we could follow the scent properly, but then he hit the cliffs just north of Makah country, right where the line hugs the coast for a few miles. He took off into the water again. The big one and the calm one wanted permission to cross the line to go after him, but of course we said no.”

“Good. I mean, you were being stupid, but I’m glad. Emmett’s never cautious enough. He could have gotten hurt.”

Jacob snorted. “So did your vampire tell you we attacked for no reason and his totally innocent coven—“

“No,” I interrupted. “Edward told me the same story, just without quite as many details.”

“Huh,” Jacob said under his breath, and he bent over to pick up a rock from among the millions of pebbles at our feet. With a casual flick, he sent it flying a good hundred meters out into the bay. “Well, the redhead’ll be back, I guess. We’ll get another shot at him.”

I shuddered; of course he would be back. Would Edward really tell me next time? I wasn’t sure. I’d have to keep an eye on Alice, to look for the signs that the pattern was about to repeat…

Jacob didn’t seem to notice my reaction. He was staring across the waves with a thoughtful expression on his face, his broad lips pursed.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked after a long, quiet time.

“I’m thinking about what you told me. About when the fortune-teller saw you cliff jumping and thought you’d committed suicide, and how it all got out of control… Do you realize that if you had just waited for me like you were supposed to, then the bl—Alice wouldn’t have been able to see you jump? Nothing would have changed. We’d probably be in my garage right now, like any other Saturday. There wouldn’t be any vampires in Forks, and you and me…” he trailed off, deep in thought.

My heart thumped at the picture he painted. It probably would have been that way, so easy, so simple. Like breathing.

“Edward would have come back anyway.” I finally said.

“Are you sure about that?” He asked, his tone slightly belligerent.

“Being apart didn’t work out so well for him.”

He started to say something, something angry from his expression, but he stopped himself, took a breath, and began again.

“Did you know Sam is mad at you?”

“Me?” It took me a second. “Oh. I see. He thinks they would have stayed away if I wasn’t here.”

“No. That’s not it.”

“What is it then?”

Jacob leaned down to scoop up another rock. He turned it over and over in his fingers; his eyes were riveted on the black stone while he spoke in a low voice.

“When Sam saw… how you were at the beginning, when Billy told them how Charlie worried about you, and then when you started jumping off cliffs…”

I made a face. No one was ever going to let me forget that.

Jacob’s eyes flashed up to mine. “He thought you were the one person in the world with as much reason to hate the Cullens as he does. Sam feels sort of… betrayed that you would just let them back into your life like they never hurt you.”

I didn’t believe for a second that Sam was the only one who felt that way. And the anger in my voice now was for both of them.

“I didn’t just let them right back into my life, give me some credit. So you can tell Sam—“

“Look at that,” Jacob interrupted me, pointing to an eagle in the act of plummeting down toward the ocean from an incredible height. It checked itself at the last minute, only its talons breaking the surface of the waves, just for an instant. Then it flapped away, its wings straining against the load of the huge fish it had snagged.

“You see it everywhere,” Jacob said, his voice suddenly distant. “Nature taking its course—hunter and prey, the endless cycle of life and death.”

I didn’t understand the point of the nature lecture; I guessed that he was just trying to change the subject. But then he looked down at me with dark humor in his eyes.

“And yet, you don’t see the fish trying to plant a kiss on the eagle. You never see that.” He grinned a mocking grin.

I grinned back tightly, though the anger was rising. “Maybe the fish was trying,” I suggested. “It’s hard to tell what a fish is thinking. Eagles are good-looking birds, you know.”

“Is that what it comes down to?” His voice was abruptly sharper. “Good looks?”

“Don’t be stupid, Jacob.”

“Is it the money, then?” he persisted.

“That’s nice,” I muttered, getting up from the tree. “I’m flattered that you think so much of me.” I turned my back on him and paced away.

“Aw, don’t get mad.” He was right behind me; he gently caught my wrist and spun me around. “I’m serious! I’m trying to understand here, and I’m coming up blank.”

His eyebrows pushed together in frustration, and his eyes were black in their deep shadow.

“I just… I love him. Not because he’s beautiful or because he’s rich!” I spat the words at Jacob. “I’d much rather he weren’t either one. It would even out the gap between us just a little bit—because he’d still be the most loving and unselfish and brilliant and decent person I’ve ever met. Of course I love him. How hard is that to understand?”

“It’s impossible to understand.”

“Please, enlighten me, then, Jacob.” I let the sarcasm flow thick. “What is a valid reason for someone to love someone else? Since apparently I’m doing it wrong.”

“I think the best place to start would be to look within your own species. That usually works.”

“Well, that just sucks!” I snapped. “I guess I’m stuck with Mike Newton after all.”

Jacob flinched back and bit his lip. I could see that my words had hurt him, but I was too mad and hurt to feel bad about that yet. He dropped my wrist and folded his arms across his chest, turning from me to glare toward the ocean.

“I’m human,” he muttered, his voice almost inaudible.

“You’re not as human as Mike,” I continued, still hurt. “Do you still think that’s the most important consideration?”

“It’s not the same thing.” Jacob didn’t look away from the gray waves. “I didn’t choose this.”

I laughed once in disbelief. “Do you think Edward did? He didn’t know what was happening to him any more than you did. He didn’t exactly sign up for this.”

Jacob was shaking his back and forth with a small, quick movement.

“But Jacob, how can you judge them? Being a werewolf and all.” I huffed.

“It’s not the same,” Jacob repeated, glowering at me.

“I don’t see why not. You could be a bit more understanding about the Cullens. You have no idea how truly good they are—to the core, Jacob.”

He frowned more deeply. “They shouldn’t exist. Their existence goes against nature.”

I stared at him for a long moment with one eyebrow raised incredulously. It was a while before he noticed.

“What?”

“Speaking of unnatural…,” I hinted.

“Beau,” he said, his voice slow and different. Aged. I realized that he sounded suddenly older than me—like a parent or a teacher. “What I am was born in me. It’s part of who I am, who my family is, who we all are as a tribe—it’s the reason why we’re still here.

“Besides that”—he looked down at me, his black eyes unreadable—“I am still human.”

He picked up my hand and pressed it to his fever-warm chest. Through his t-shirt, I could feel the steady beating of his heart under my palm.

“Normal humans can’t throw motorcycles around the way you can.”

He smiled a faint, half-smile. “Normal humans run away from monsters, Beau. And I never claimed to be normal. Just human.”

Staying angry with Jacob was too much work. I started to smile as I gently rubbed his chest.

“You look plenty human to me,” I allowed. “At the moment.”

“I feel human.” He stared past me, his face far away. His lower lip trembled, and he bit down on it hard.

“Oh, Jake,” I whispered, reaching for his hand.

At that moment, my head broke the surface.

I was completely disoriented. I’d been sure I was sinking.

The current wouldn’t let up. It was slamming me against more rocks; they beat against the center of my back sharply, rhythmically, pushing the water from my lungs. It gushed out in amazing volume, absolute torrents pouring from my mouth and nose. The salt burned and my lungs burned and my throat was too full of water to catch a breath and the rocks were hurting my back. Somehow I stayed in one place, though the waves still heaved around me. I couldn’t see anything but water everywhere, reaching for my face.

“Breath!” a voice, wild with anxiety, ordered, and I felt a sudden rush of relief—because it wasn’t Edward’s.

I could not obey, though. The waterfall pouring from my mouth didn’t stop long enough for me to catch a breath. The black, icy water filled my chest, burning.

The rock smacked into my back again, right between my shoulder blades, and another volley of water choked its way out of my lungs.

“Breath, Beau! C’mon!” Jacob begged.

Black spots bloomed across my vision, getting wider and wider, blocking out the light.

The rock struck me again.

The rock wasn’t cold like the water; it was hot on my skin. I realized it was Jacob’s hand, trying to beat the water from my lungs. The iron bar that had dragged me from the sea was also… warm… My head whirled, the black spots covered everything….

I wasn’t dying. I had survived. Somehow, idiot Beau Swan had jumped off a cliff and survived. Ha, take that, Edward. If I wasn’t still so disoriented I would have chuckled. The sound of the crashing waves faded into the black and became a quiet, even whoosh that sounded like it was coming from the inside of my ears….

“Beau?” Jacob asked, his voice still tense but not as wild as before. “Beau, babe, can you hear me?”

The contents of my head swished and rolled sickeningly, like they’d joined the rough water….

“How long has he been unconscious?” someone else asked.

The voice that was not Jacob’s startled me, jarred me into a more focused awareness.

I realized that I was still. There was no tug of the current on me—the heaving was inside my head. The surface under me was flat and motionless. It felt grainy against my bare arms.

“I don’t know,” Jacob reported, still frantic. His voice was very close. Hands—so warm they had to be his—ran through my wet hair, and along my cheeks. “A few minutes? It didn’t take long to tow him to the beach.”

The quiet whooshing inside my ears was not the waves—it was the air moving in and out of my lungs again. Each breath burned—the passageways were as raw as if I’d scrubbed them out with steel wool. But I was breathing.

And I was freezing. A thousand sharp, icy beads were striking my face and arms, making the cold worse.

“He’s breathing. He’ll come around. We should get him out of the cold, though. I don’t like the color he’s turning…” I recognized Sam’s voice this time.

“You think it’s okay to move him?”

“He didn’t hurt his back or anything when he fell?”

“I don’t know.”

They hesitated.

I tried to open my eyes. It took me a minute, but then I could see the dark, purple clouds, flinging the freezing rain down at me. “Jake?” I croaked.

Jacob’s face blocked out the sky. “Oh!” he gasped, relief washing over his features. His eyes were wet, I hoped, from the rain and not from tears over me.

“Oh, Beau! Are you okay? Can you hear me? Do you hurt anywhere?”

“J-just m-my throat,” I stuttered, my lips quivering from the cold.

“Let’s get you out of here, then,” Jacob said. He slid his arms under me and lifted me without effort, like picking up an empty box. His chest was bare and warm; he hunched his shoulders to keep the rain of me. I curled up into him, nestling my head against his chest.

“You got him?” I heard Sam ask.

“Yeah, I’ll take it from here. Get back to the hospital. I’ll join you later. Thanks, Sam.”

My head was still rolling. None of his words sunk in at first. Sam didn’t answer. There was no sound, and I wondered if he was already gone. I strained to lift my head and look back over Jacob’s shoulder.

The water licked and writhed up the sand after us as Jacob carried me away, like it was angry that I’d escaped. As I stared wearily, a spark of color caught my unfocused eyes—a small flash of fire was dancing on the black water, far out in the bay. The image made no sense, and I wondered how conscious I really was. My head swirled with the memory of the black, churning water—of being so lost that I couldn’t find up or down. So lost… but somehow Jacob…

“How did you find me?” I rasped.

“I was searching for you,” he told me. He was half-jogging through the rain, up the beach toward the road. “I followed the tire tracks to your truck, and then saw the door open, and your phone just sitting on the seat. Then I heard you shout…” He shuddered. “Why would you jump, Beau? Didn’t you noticed that it’s turning into a hurricane out here? Couldn’t you have waited for me?” Frustration filled his tone as his relief faded.

“I’m sorry, Jake,” I muttered. “It was stupid.”

“Yeah, it was really stupid,” he agreed, drops of ran shaking free of his hair as he nodded. “Look, do you mind saving the really stupid stuff for when I’m around? I won’t be able to concentrate if I think you’re jumping off cliffs behind my back.”

“Sure,” I agreed. “No problem.” I sounded like a chain-smoker. I tried to clear my throat—and then winced; the throat-clearing felt like stabbing a knife down there. “What happened today? Did you… find Victor?” It was my turn to shudder, though I wasn’t so cold here, wrapped in his warm arms.

Jacob shook his head. He was still more running than walking as he headed up the road to his house. “No. He took off into the water—the bloodsuckers have the advantage there. That’s why I raced home—I was afraid he was going to double back swimming. You spend so much time on the beach….” He trailed off, a catch in his throat.

“Sam came back with you… is everyone else home, too?” I hoped they weren’t still out searching for Victor.

“Yeah. Sort of.”

I tried to read his expression, squinting into the hammering rain. His eyes were tight with worry or pain.

The words that hadn’t made sense before suddenly did. “You said… hospital. Before, to Sam. Is someone hurt? Did Victor fight you?” My voice jumped up an octave, sounding strange with the hoarseness.

“No, no. When we got back, Em was waiting with the news. It’s Harry Clearwater. Harry had a heart attack this morning.”

“Harry?” I shook my head trying to absorb what he was saying. “Oh, no! Does Charlie know?”

“Yeah. He’s over there, too, with my dad.”

“Is Harry going to be okay?”

Jacob’s eyes tightened again. “It doesn’t look so great right now.”

Abruptly, I felt really sick with guilt—felt truly horrible about the stupid cliff dive. Nobody needed to be worrying about me right now. What a selfish time to try to go and prove something to myself.

“What can I do?” I asked.

At that moment the rain stopped. I hadn’t realized we were already back to Jacob’s house until he walked through the door. The storm pounded against the roof.

“You can stay here,” Jacob said as he set me on the short couch. “I mean it—right here. I’ll get you some dry clothes.”

I let my eyes adjust to the dark room while Jacob banged around in his bedroom. The cramped front room seemed so empty without Billy, almost desolate. It was strangely ominous—probably because I knew where he was.

Jacob was back in seconds. He threw a pile of gray cotton at me. “These will be huge on you, but it’s the best I’ve got. I’ll, er, step outside so you can change.”

“Don’t go anywhere. Please, Jake. I’m too tired to move yet. Just stay with me.”

Jacob sat on the floor next to me, his back against the couch. I wondered when he’d slept last. He looked as exhausted as I felt.

He leaned his head on the cushion next to mine and yawned. “Guess I could rest for a minute….”

His eyes closed. I let mine slide shut, too.

Poor Harry. Poor Sue. I knew Charlie was going to be beside himself. Harry was one of his best friends. Despite Jake’s negative take on things, I hoped fervently that Harry would pull through. For Charlie’s sake. For Sue’s and Liam’s and Seth’s.

Billy’s sofa was right next to the radiator, and I was warm now, despite my soaked clothes. My lungs ached in a way that pushed me toward unconsciousness rather than keeping me awake. I wondered vaguely if it was wrong to sleep… or was I getting drowning mixed up with concussions…? Jacob began softly snoring, and the sound of it soothed like a lullaby. I fell asleep quickly.

For the first time in a very long time, my dream was just a normal dream. Just a blurred wandering through old memories—blinding bright visions of the Phoenix sun, my mother’s face, a ramshackle tree house, a faded quilt, a wall of mirrors, a flame on the black water… I forgot each of them as soon as the picture changed.

The last picture was the only one that stuck in my head. It was meaningless—just a set on a stage. A balcony at night, a painted moon hanging in the sky. I watched the girl in her nightdress lean on the railing and talk to herself.

Meaningless… but when I slowly struggled back to consciousness, Juliet was on my mind.

Jacob was still asleep; he’d slumped down on the floor and his breathing was deep and even. The house was darker now than before, it was black outside the window. I was stiff, but warm and almost dry. The inside of my throat burned with every breath I took.

I was going to have to get up—at least to get a drink. But I didn’t want to risk waking Jacob. I reached my hand down to touch his head.

As I gently ran my fingers through his hair, I thought about Juliet some more.

I wondered what she would have done if Romeo had left her, not because he was banished, but because he lost interest? What if Rosalind had given him the time of day, and he’d changed his mind? What if, instead of marrying Juliet, he’d just disappeared?

I thought I knew how Juliet would feel.

She’d struggle to go back to her old life. She would have struggled to move on, I was sure of that. I wondered if she would have been able to, eventually. Or, would she one day find herself, old and gray, still seeing Romeo’s face every time she closed her eyes? Would she have accepted that half-life?

I wondered if she would have married Paris in the end, just to please her parents, to keep the peace. Who could say, I thought. The story didn’t say much about Paris. He was just a stick figure—a placeholder, a threat, a deadline to force her hand.

What if there were more to Paris?

What if Paris had been Juliet’s friend? Her very best friend? What if he was the only one she could confide in every detail about the whole heartbreaking ordeal with Romeo? The one person who understood her better than anyone else? What if he was patient and kind? What if they made each other happy? What if he really loved her, and wanted her to be happy?

And… what if she loved Paris? What if she moved on from Romeo, and truly loved Paris?

Jacob’s slow, deep breathing was the only sound in the room—like a lullaby hummed to a child, like the whisper of a rocking chair, like the ticking of an old clock when you had nowhere you needed to go…. It was the sound of comfort.

If Romeo was gone, never coming back, would it have mattered whether or not Juliet had taken Paris up on his offer? Maybe she could carve out a new life—a better life—out of the pieces Romeo had left behind when he left so selfishly.

I sighed, and then groaned when the sigh scraped my throat. I was thinking too much about this. Romeo and Juliet was really a tragedy, not a romance, after all. Certainly not something to use to help yourself find closure.

I closed my eyes and drifted again, letting my mind wander away from the stupid play. I thought about reality instead—about jumping off the cliff and what a brainless act that had been. And not just the cliff, but the motorcycles and the whole notion of breaking my promise. What if something bad had happened to me? What would that do to Charlie? Harry’s heart attack and pushed everything suddenly into perspective for me. Perspective that hurt me to see. Why hadn’t I realized sooner how selfish it had all been and how making a point in breaking a promise was the complete opposite of finding any sort of closure.

But I had discovered something on that cliff. Something I hadn’t expected. I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. I had been faced with my memories, my hallucinations, my fear, and I met them head on—no, I defied them. Maybe I could do this. Maybe I could carve out a new life for myself with the pieces left behind. I didn’t know if the cracks would ever really heal, but I had to be brave and really try.

I looked down at Jacob. So grateful for him and for everything he had done for me. So grateful for his patience. I thought about what I had said to Jessica about Jacob keeping me above water—today in the literal sense—and wondered what I had done to deserve him in my life.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to make any concrete decisions at that moment. But it was undeniable that a decision would have to be made sooner rather than later if things kept moving forward on the path they were on. I decided to focus on something else, give my tired mind a break from all the heavy emotions.

Images from my ill-considered afternoon stunt rolled through my head while I tried to come up with something pleasant and easy to think about… the feel of the air as I fell, the blackness of the water, the thrashing of the current… Edward’s face… I lingered there for just a moment. Jacob’s warm hands trying to beat life back into me… the stinging rain flung down by the purple clouds… the strange fire on the waves…

There was something familiar about that flash of color on top of the water. Of course it couldn’t really be fire—

My thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a car squelching through the mud on the road outside. I heard it stop in front of the house, and doors started opening and closing. I thought about sitting up, and then decided against that idea.

Billy’s voice was easily identifiable, but he kept it uncharacteristically low, so that it was only a gravely grumble.

The door opened, and the light flicked on. I blinked momentarily blind. Jake startled awake, gasping and jumping to his feet.

“Sorry,” Billy grunted. “Did we wake you?”

My eyes slowly slowly focused on his face, and then, as I could read his expression, they filled with tears.

“Oh, no, Billy!” I moaned.

He nodded slowly, his expression hard with grief. Jake hurried to his father and took one of his hands. The pain made his face suddenly childlike—it looked odd on top of the man’s body.

Sam was right behind Billy, pushing his chair through the door. His normal composure was absent from his agonized face.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

Billy nodded. “It’s gonna be hard all around.”

“Where’s Charlie?”

“Your dad is still at the hospital with Sue. There are a lot of… arrangements to be made.”

I swallowed hard.

“I’d better get back there,” Sam mumbled, and he ducked hastily out the door.

Billy pulled his hand away from Jacob, and then he rolled himself through the kitchen toward his room.

Jake stared after him for a minute, then came to sit on the floor beside me again. He put his face in his hands. I rubbed his shoulder, wishing I could think of something to say.

After a long moment, Jacob caught my hand and held it to his face.

“How are you feeling? Are you okay? I probably should have taken you to a doctor or something.” He sighed.

“Don’t worry about me,” I croaked, rubbing his cheek.

He twisted his head to look at me. His eyes were rimmed in red. “You don’t look so good.”

“I don’t feel so good, either, I guess.”

“I’ll go get your truck and then take you home.”

“Thanks, Jake,” I sighed, “I should be there when Charlie gets home.”

“Right.”

I lay listlessly on the sofa while I waited for him. Billy was silent in the other room. I felt like a peeping tom, peering through the cracks at a private sorrow.

It didn’t take Jake long. The roar of my truck’s engine broke the silence before I expected it. He helped me up from the couch without speaking, keeping his arm around my shoulder when the cold air outside made me shiver. He took the driver’s seat without asking, and then pulled me next to his side to keep his arm tight around me. I leaned my head against his chest.

“How will you get home?” I asked.

“I’m not going home. We still haven’t caught the bloodsucker, remember?”

My next shudder had nothing to do with cold.

It was a quiet ride after that. The cold air had woken me up. My mind was alert, and it was working very hard and very fast.

What if? What if could make a decision? Take the step down this path and carve out my new life.

I couldn’t imagine my life without Jacob now—I cringed away from that idea of even trying to imagine that. Somehow, he’d become an integral part of my life. But to leave things the way they were… was that cruel, as Mike had accused?

I think it was. It was wrong to string Jacob along if I was never going to make a decision. Could I make one? What was holding me back? I realized how right it felt when he held me like this. It felt so nice—warm and comforting and familiar. Safe. Jacob was a safe harbor.

I could make a decision. I could make him mine.

He already knew what I had been through. He knew there were parts of me that were still broken. But I would need to tell him everything—I’d explain why it hurt me so deeply, tell him how deep the cracks in my heart ran, I’d admit to the delusions of hearing Edward. He’d need to know everything before he made a decision.

But, even as I recognized that necessity, I kew he would take me in spite of it all. He wouldn’t even pause to think it through. Jacob had made his decision.

I would have to commit to this—commit my whole heart to Jacob, breaks and all. Would I? Could I? Would it be so wrong to try to make Jacob happy? Make myself happy? I couldn’t spend my entire life grieving after some fickle Romeo.

Jacob stopped the truck in front of my dark house, cutting the engine so it was suddenly silent. Like so many other times, he seemed to be in tune with my thoughts now.

He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. My heart felt like it could safely heal here.

I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic. “Sorry. I know you don’t feel exactly the way I do, Beau. I swear I don’t mind. I’m just so glad you’re okay that I could sing—and that’s something no one wants to hear.” He laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.

My breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.

Wouldn’t Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as was possible? Wouldn’t enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn’t begrudge me this: moving on, finding my closure, and giving the love he didn’t want to Jacob.

Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.

If I turned my face to the side—if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder… I knew without any doubt exactly what would follow. It would be as easy as breathing.

But could I do it? Could I let go of my baggage and close that chapter of my life?

Butterflies filled my stomach as I thought about turning my head.

And then, as clearly as it was up on the cliff, Edward’s voice whispered in my ear.

“Be happy,” he told me.

I froze.

Jacob felt me stiffen and released me automatically, reaching for the door.

Wait, I wanted to say to him. Just a minute. But I was still locked in place from the shock from hearing Edward’s voice.

Storm-cooled air blew through the cab of the truck.

“OH!” The breath whooshed out of Jacob like someone had punched him in the gut. “Holy crap!”

He slammed the door and twisted the keys in the ignition in the same moment. His hands were shaking so hard I didn’t know how he managed it.

“What’s wrong, Jake?”

He revved the engine too fast; it spluttered and faltered.

“Vampire,” he spit out.

The blood rushed from my head and left me dizzy. “How do you know?”

“Because I can smell it! Dammit!”

Jacob’s eyes were wild, raking the dark street. He barely seemed aware of the tremors that were rolling through his body. “Phase or get him out of here?” he hissed at himself.

He looked down at me for a split second, taking in my horror-struck eyes and white face, and then he was scanning the street again. “Right. Get you out.”

The engine caught with a roar. The tires squealed as he spun the truck around, turning toward our only escape. The headlights washed across the pavement, lit the front line of the black forest, and finally glinted off a car parked across the street from my house.

“Wait!” I gasped.

It was a black car—a car I knew. I might not know much about cars, but I could tell you everything about that particular car. It was a Mercedes S55 AMG. I knew the horsepower and the color of the interior. I knew the feel of the powerful engine purring through the frame. I knew the rick smell of the leather seats and the way the extra-dark tint made noon look like dusk through those windows.

It was Carlisle Cullen’s car.

“Wait, stop!” I cried, louder this time, because Jacob was gunning the truck down the street.

“What?!”

“It’s not Victor, Jake. Just—Just stop the car. Go back!”

He stomped on the brake so hard I had to catch myself against the dashboard.

“What?” he asked again, aghast. He stared at me with horror in his eyes.

“That’s Carlisle’s car. Carlisle Cullen’s car, I’m sure of it.”

He saw the dawning realization in my face, and a violent tremor rocked his frame.

“Jake, please breath. Calm down, it’s okay. No danger, see? Relax.”

“Yeah, calm,” he panted, putting his head down and closing his eyes. While he concentrated on not exploding into a wolf, I gently rubbed his arm trying to calm him. I furtively glanced back at the black car.

Why would they come back? It was just Carlisle, I told myself. Don’t hope for anything more. Maybe Esme… stop right there, I told myself. Why was I hoping for any of them to come back? The glimmer of excitement I felt in the pit of my stomach wasn’t healthy. I shouldn’t be excited. I was past this. At least, I thought I was.

“There’s a vampire in your house,” Jacob hissed. “And you want to go back?”

I looked deep into his dark eyes, I understood his concern. I couldn’t fault him for it.

“I… Yes, Jake.” I said, my voice was shaky. I did want to go back. But why?

Jacob’s face hardened while I stared at him, congealing into the bitter mask that I’d thought was gone for good. Just before he had the mask in place, I caught the spasm of betrayal that flashed in his eyes. My heart sank seeing that mask come back. His hands were still shaking. He looked ten years older than me.

He took a deep breath. “You sure it’s not a trick?” he asked in a slow, heavy voice.

“It’s not a trick. It’s Carlisle.” I realized why I wanted to go back—a chance at true closure. “Take me back, Jake.”

A shudder rippled through his wide shoulders, but his eyes were flat and emotionless. “No.”

“Jake, listen—“

“No. Take yourself back, Beau.” His voice was a slap—I flinched as the sound of it struck me. His jaw clenched and unclenched.

“Look, Beau,” he said in the same hard voice. “I can’t go back. Treaty or no treaty, that’s my enemy in there.”

“It’s not like that—“

“I have to tell Sam right away. This changes things. We can’t be caught on their territory.”

“Jake, it’s not war!”

He didn’t listen. He put the truck in neutral and jumped out the door, leaving it running.

“Bye, Beau,” he called back over his shoulder. “I really hope you don’t die.” He sprinted into the darkness, shaking so hard that his shape seemed blurred; he disappeared before I could open my mouth to call him back. I desperately wanted to explain to him why I needed to go back, what I was really after.

Remorse pinned me against the seat for one long second. What had I just done to Jacob?

I reluctantly slid across the seat and put the truck back in drive. My hands were shaking almost as hard as Jake’s had been, and this took a minute of concentration. Then I carefully turned the truck and drove it back to my house.

It was very dark when I turned off the headlights. Charlie had left in such a hurry that he’d forgotten to leave the porch lamp on. I felt a pang of doubt, staring at the house, deep in shadow. What if it was a trick? Worse yet, what if it didn’t help me? What if it just made things worse?

I looked back at the black car, almost invisible in the night. No. I knew that car.

Still, my hands were shaking even worse than before as I reached for the key above the door. When I grabbed the doorknob to unlock it, it twisted easily under my hand. I let the door fall open. The hallway was black.

I wanted to call out a greeting, but my throat was too dry. I couldn’t quite seem to catch my breath.

I took a step inside and fumbled for the light switch. It was so black—like the black water… Where was that switch?

Just like the black water, with the orange flame flickering impossibly on top of it. Flame that couldn’t be a fire, but what then…? My fingers traced the wall, still searching, still shaking—

Suddenly, something Jacob had told me this afternoon echoed in my head, finally sinking in….He took off into the water, he’d said. The bloodsuckers have the advantage there. That’s why I raced home—I was afraid He was going to double back swimming.

My hand froze in its searching, my whole body froze into place, as I realized why I recognized the strange orange color on the water.

Victor’s hair, blowing wild in the wind, the color of fire…

He’d been right there. Right there in the harbor with me and Jacob. If Sam hadn’t been there, if it had been just the two of us…? I couldn’t breathe or move.

The light flicked on, though my frozen hand had still not found the switch.

Almost everything was back to normal in less time than I would have believed possible. The hospital welcomed Carlisle back with eager arms, not even bothering to conceal their delight that Esme had found life in L.A. so little to her liking. Thanks to the Calculus test I’d missed while abroad, Alice and Edward were in better shape to graduate than I was at the moment. Suddenly, it was time for me to start thinking about college. I had to kick myself for not being more on top of things. Many deadlines had passed me by, but Edward had a new stack of applications for me to fill out every day. He’d already done the Harvard route, so it didn’t bother him that, thanks to my procrastination, we might both end up at Peninsula Community College next year.

Charlie was still not entirely happy with me, or speaking to Edward. However, he saw something in me that reassured him that I would be okay this time and at least Edward was allowed—during designated visiting hours—inside the house again. I still wasn’t allowed out of the house, though.

School and work were the only exceptions, and the dreary, dull yellow walls of my classrooms had become oddly inviting to me of late. I think I was developing cabin fever. It didn’t hurt the situation that I had someone in the desk beside me again.

Edward had resumed his schedule from the beginning of the year, which put him in most of my classes again. After last fall, after the Cullens’ supposed move to L.A., the seat beside me had never been filled. Even Mike, always eager to take any advantage, had kept a safe distance. With Edward back in my life, it was almost as if the last eight months were just a disturbing nightmare.

Almost, but not quite. There was the house arrest situation, for one thing. And for another, before the fall, I hadn’t been best friends with Jacob Black. So, of course, I hadn’t missed him then.

I was desperate to see him, to talk to him again. But I wasn’t at liberty to go to La Push, and Jacob wasn’t coming to see me. He wouldn’t even answer my phone calls.

I made these calls mostly at night, after Edward had been kicked out—promptly at nine by a gruffly protective Charlie—and before Edward snuck back through my window when Charlie was asleep. I chose that time to make my fruitless calls because I’d noticed that Edward made a certain face every time I mentioned Jacob’s name. Sort of disapproving and wary …maybe even angry. I hoped that he had some reciprocal prejudice against the werewolves, and not that he secretly begrudged how close I had gotten to Jacob in his absence.

So, I didn’t mention Jacob much.

With Edward constantly trying to win back my trust, it was hard to think about unhappy things—even my former best friend and almost love, who was probably very unhappy right now, due to me. When I did think of Jake, I always felt guilty for not thinking of him more.

I couldn’t stop thinking of Jacob, even with Edward back. Yes, I did love Edward, very much, but I couldn’t deny where things had been left with Jacob. I had been seconds, a breath away, from choosing Jacob. I couldn’t just forget about that now. Even if I had left so suddenly to go to Edward.

Weeks passed, and Jacob still wouldn’t answer my calls. It started to become a constant worry. Like a dripping faucet in the back of my head that I couldn’t shut off or ignore. Drip, drip, drip. Jacob, Jacob, Jacob.

Even though I didn’t mention Jacob much to Edward, eventually my frustration and anxiety boiled over.

“It’s just… just rude!” I vented one Saturday afternoon when Edward picked me up from work. Being angry about things was easier than feeling guilty. “Downright insulting!”

I’d varied my pattern, in hopes of a different response. I’d called Jake from work this time, only to get an unhelpful Billy. Again.

“Billy said he didn’t want to talk to me,” I fumed, glaring at the rain oozing down the passenger window. “That he was there, and wouldn’t walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy just says he’s out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it.” I huffed, and sunk deeper into my seat. Finally I let out a sad sigh. “I guess Billy hates me now too.”

“It’s not you, Beau,” Edward said quietly. “Nobody hates you.”

“You didn’t see Jacob’s face when I left,” I said quietly. “Honestly, he has every right to hate me after everything.”

“Jacob knows we’re back, and I’m sure he’s ascertained that I’m with you,” Edward said. “He won’t come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply.”

“Sure, sure. But he knows you’re not… like other vampires.”

“There’s still good reason to keep a safe distance.”

I glared blindly out the windshield, seeing only Jacob’s face, set in the bitter mask I hated.

“Beau, we are what we are,” Edward said quietly. “I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He’s very young. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don’t know if I could stop it before I k—“ he broke off, and then quickly continued. “Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don’t want that to happen.”

I remembered what Jacob had said in the kitchen, hearing the words with perfect recall in his husky voice. I’m not sure that I’m even-tempered enough to handle that…. You probably wouldn’t like it so much if I killed your friend. But he’d been able to handle it, that time….

“Edward Cullen,” I whispered. “Were you about to say ‘killed him’? Were you?”

He looked away from me, staring into the rain. In front of us, the red light I hadn’t notice turned green and he started driving again, driving very slowly. Not his usual way of driving.

“I would try… very hard… not to do that,” Edward finally said.

I stared at him with my mouth hanging open, but he continued to look straight ahead. We were paused at the corner stop sign.

Abruptly, I remembered what had happened to Paris when Romeo came back. The stage directions were simple: They fight. Paris falls.

“Well,” I said, and took a deep breath, shaking my head to dispel the words in my head. “Nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there’s no reason to worry about it. Because I hope you know I would never forgive you if you… If that happened. So you make sure that never happens, okay?”

“Yes, sir.” He said with a serious expression.

“You better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late. You know Charlie’s staring at the clock right now.”

I turned my face up toward him, to smile-halfheartedly.

My heart stopped when I saw the grave expression on his statue-still face.

“You’re already in more trouble, Beau,” he whispered through unmoving lips.

I followed his gaze to see what he was seeing. I don’t know what I expected—maybe Victor standing in the middle of the street, his flaming red hair blowing in the wind, or a line of tall black cloaks… But I didn’t see anything at all.

“What? What is it?”

He took a deep breath. “Charlie…”

“My dad?” I tensed, panicked.

He looked down at me then, and his expression was calm enough to ease some of my panic.

“Charlie… is probably not going to kill you, but the tone of his thoughts are not… good,” he told me. He started to drive forward again, down my street, but he passed the house and parked by the edge of the trees.

“What did I do?” I gasped.

Edward glanced back at Charlie’s house. I followed his gaze, and noticed for the first time what was parked in the driveway next to the cruiser. Shiny, bright red, impossible to miss. My motorcycle, flaunting itself in the driveway.

Edward had said that Charlie was ready to kill me, so he must know that—that it was mine. There was only one person who could be behind this.

“No!” I gasped. “Why? Why would Jacob do this to me?” The sting of betrayal washed through me. I had trusted Jacob implicitly— trusted him with every single secret I had. He was supposed to be my safe harbor— the person I could always rely on. Of course things were strained right now, but I didn’t think any of the underlying foundation had changed. I didn’t think that was changeable!

What had I done to deserve this? Charlie was going to be so mad— and worse than that, he was going to be hurt and worried. Didn’t he have enough to deal with already? I would have never imagined that Jake could be so petty and just plain mean.

But I knew what I had done to deserve this. I had hurt him deeply. I couldn’t be mad at this betrayal because I had betrayed him first. He had put everything on the table, offered me everything, and I had run out on him.

“Is he still here?” I craned my neck, scanning the area.

“Yes. He’s waiting for us there.” Edward told me, nodding toward the slender path that divided the dark fringe of the forest in two.

I jumped out of the car, launching myself toward the trees. I felt a strange tightness in my chest. I needed to talk to Jacob. Now.

Why did Edward have to be so much faster than me?

He caught me around the waist before I made the path.

“Let me go! Let me go, Edward!” I shouted, pulling frantically away from his arms.

“Charlie will hear you, “Edward warned me. “And once he gets you inside, he may brick over the doorway.”

I glanced back at the house instinctively, and it seemed like the glossy red bike was all I could see. I was going to pay for that, I was sure.

“I need to talk to Jake, Edward, and then I’ll talk to Charlie.” I continued to struggle futilely.

“Jacob Black wants to see me. That’s why he’s still here.”

That stopped me cold—took it right out of me. My arms went limp. They fight; Paris falls.

My stomach dropped, my heart throbbed in my chest.

“Talk?” I asked.

“More or less.”

“How much more?” My voice shook.

Edward ran his hand through my hair. “Don’t worry, he’s not here to fight me. He’s acting as… spokesperson for the pack.”

“Oh.”

Edward looked at the house again, then tightened his arm around my waist and pulled me toward the woods. “We should hurry. Charlie’s getting impatient.”

We didn’t have to go far; Jacob waited just a short way up the path. He lounged against a mossy tree trunk as he waited, his face hard and bitter, exactly the way I knew it would be. He looked at me, and then at Edward. Jacob’s mouth stretched into a humorless sneer, and he shrugged away from the tree. He stood on the balls of his bare feet, leaning slightly forward, with his trembling hands clenched into fists. He looked bigger than the last time I’d seen him. Somehow, impossibly, he was still growing. He would tower over Edward, if they stood next to each other.

But Edward stopped as soon as we saw him, leaving a wide space between us and Jacob. Edward turned his body, shifting me so that I was behind him. I leaned around him to stare at Jacob—to show my disapproval at his actions.

I would have thought that seeing his resentful, cynical expression would only make me angry. Instead, it reminded me of the last time I’d seen him, with tears in his eyes. Any feeling of betrayal weakened, faltered, as I stared at Jacob. It had been so long since I’d seen him— I hated that our reunion had to be like this. I realized what the strange feeling in my chest was. It was that last break in my heart I had felt when I left him throbbing anew.

“Beau,” Jacob said as a greeting, nodding once toward me without looking away from Edward.

“Why?” I whispered, trying to hide the sound of the lump in my throat. “Why did you do that? How could you do that, Jacob?”

The sneer vanished, but his face stayed hard and rigid. “It’s for the best.”

“What is that supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to strangle me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to him?”

Jacob winced, and his eyebrows pulled together, but he didn’t answer.

“He didn’t want to hurt anyone—he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn’t be allowed to spend time with me,” Edward murmured, explaining the thoughts Jacob wouldn’t say.

Jacob’s eyes sparked with hate as he glowered at Edward again.

“Aw, Jake!” I groaned. “I’m already grounded! Why do you think I haven’t been down to La Push to see you? Or to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?”

Jacob’s eyes flashed back to me, confused for the first time. “That’s why?” he asked, and then locked his jaw, like he was sorry he’d said anything.

“He thought I wouldn’t let you, not Charlie,” Edward explained again.

“Stop that,” Jacob snapped.

Edward didn’t answer.

Jacob shuddered once, and then gritted his teeth as hard as his fists. “Beau wasn’t exaggerating about your… abilities,” he said through his teeth. “So you must already know why I’m here.”

“Yes,” Edward agreed in a soft voice. “But, before you begin, I need to say something.”

Jacob waited, clenching and unclenching his hands as he tried to control the shivers rolling down his arms.

“Thank you,” Edward said, and his voice throbbed with the depth of his sincerity. “I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my… existence.”

Jacob stared at him blankly, his shudders stilled by surprise. He exchanged a quick glance with me, but my face was just as mystified.

“For keeping Beau alive,” Edward clarified, his voice rough and fervent. “When I… didn’t.”

Understanding washed over Jacob’s face before the hard mask returned. “I didn’t do it for your benefit.”

“I know. But that doesn’t erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there’s ever anything in my power to do for you…”

Jacob raised one black brow.

Edward shook his head. “That’s not in my power.”

“Whose, then?” Jacob growled.

Edward looked down at me. “His. I’m a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don’t make the same mistake twice. I’m here until Beau orders me away.”

It wasn’t hard to understand what I’d missed in the conversation. The only thing that Jacob would want from Edward would be his absence.

I didn’t speak. I stared back at Edward for a moment, then sighed.

I turned to Jacob slowly. “Was there something else you needed, Jake? You wanted me in trouble— mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school and then I won’t be able to see either of you, so I hope you’re happy. So what else did you come for?”

Jacob kept his eyes on Edward. “I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty that is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute.”

“We haven’t forgotten,” Edward said at the same time that I demanded, “What key points?”

Jacob still glowered at Edward, but he answered me. “The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over. Bite, not kill,” he emphasized. Finally, he looked at me. His eyes were cold.

It only took me a second to grasp the distinction, and then my face went pale.

“That’s complicated, Jake, I don’t want to get you involved. It’s not your business.”

“The hell it—” was all he managed to choke out.

I didn’t expect my lack of an explanation to bring on such a strong response. Despite the warning he’d come to give, he must not have thought it was an actual possibility. He must have thought the warning was just a precaution. How could he have known what had happened in Italy and how could I explain the situation I was in now?

Jacob was in a fit of near convulsions. He pressed his fists hard against his temples, closing his eyes tight and curling in on himself as he tried to control the spasms. His face turned sallow green under the russet skin.

“Jake? You okay?” I asked anxiously.

I took a half-step toward him, then Edward caught me and yanked me back behind his own body. “Careful! He’s not under control,” he warned me.

But Jacob was already somewhat himself again; only his arms were shaking now. He scowled at Edward with pure hate. “Ugh. I would never hurt him.”

Neither Edward or I missed the inflection, or the accusation it contained. A low hiss escaped Edward’s lips. Jacob clenched his fists reflexively.

“BEAU!” Charlie’s roar echoed from the direction of the house. “YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!”

All of us froze, listening to the silence that followed.

I was the first to speak; my voice trembled. “Crap.”

Jacob’s furious expression faltered. “I am sorry about that,” he muttered. “I had to do what I could— I had to try.…”

“I guess I can’t fault you for it,” I sighed. I stared up the path, half-expecting Charlie to come barreling through the wet ferns like an enraged bull. I would be the red flag in that scenario.

“Just one more thing,” Edward said to me, and then he looked at Jacob. “We’ve found no trace of Victor on our side of the line— have you?” He knew the answer as soon as Jacob thought it, but Jacob spoke the answer anyway. “The last time was while Beau was… away. We let the bloodsucker think he was slipping through— we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush him—”

Ice shot down my spine.

“But then he took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, he caught your little female’s scent and bailed. He hasn’t come near our lands since.”

Edward nodded. “When he comes back, he’s not your problem anymore. We’ll—”

“He killed on our turf,” Jacob hissed. “He’s ours!”

“No—,” I began to protest both declarations.

“BEAU! I SEE HIS CAR AND I KNOW YOU’RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN’T INSIDE THIS HOUSE IN ONE MINUTE…!” Charlie didn’t bother to finish his threat.

“Let’s go,” Edward said.

I looked back at Jacob, torn. Would I see him again?

“Sorry,” he whispered so low that I had to read his lips to understand. “’ Bye, Beau.”

“You promised,” I reminded him desperately. “Jake, please.”

Jacob shook his head slowly, and the lump in my throat nearly strangled me.

“You know how hard I’ve tried to keep that promise, but… I can’t see how to keep trying. Not now…” He struggled to keep his hard mask in place, but it wavered, and then disappeared. “Miss you,” he mouthed. One of his hands reached toward me, his fingers outstretched, like he wished they were long enough to cross the distance between us.

“Me, too,” I choked out. My hand reached toward his across the wide space. Like we were connected, the echo of his pain twisted inside me. His pain, my pain.

“Jake…” I took a step toward him. I wanted to wrap my arms around his waist and erase the expression of misery on his face.

Edward pulled me back again, his arms restraining instead of defending.

“It’s okay,” I promised him, looking up with surprise in my face.

His eyes were unreadable, his face expressionless. Cold. “No, it’s not.”

It dawned on me then that Edward would see Jacob’s thoughts, and I had a pretty good idea of what thoughts were flashing through Jacob’s mind right now. I felt my face get hot.

“Edward, please…” I tried to move away, but Edward pulled me back again.

“Let him go,” Jacob snarled, furious again. “He wants to!” He took two long strides forward. A glint of anticipation flashed in his eyes. His chest seemed to swell as it shuddered.

Edward pushed me behind himself, wheeling to face Jacob.

“No! Edward!” I shoved myself back between them, holding my arms out against their chests. They both pushed against me slightly. “Stop! Both of you stop!”

They glared at each other for a long moment.

“Edward, go stand over there.” I finally said.

His eyes shot to me, but I avoided his gaze.

“Read his mind, is he going to hurt me?” I asked impatiently.

Edward hesitated for a moment before finally moving away.

I turned to Jacob, his eyes were on Edward and his face was still angry. His body was shaking slightly.

“Jake,” I reached out and touched his arm. His attention immediately refocused to me.

In that moment, I found myself looking at everything that had happened. Every moment with Edward from the beginning to now flashing through my mind, and every moment with Jacob at odds with it. I loved Edward, that much I knew. Standing here, though, I realized, I was never just settling for Jacob; I loved him, too.

My heart didn’t just belong to Edward anymore, I couldn’t deny that. Jacob held a part of my heart just as firmly.

“Jake, please, I can’t do this.”

The way he looked down at me reminded me of the last time I’d seen him, before I left for Italy. “Beau…” He reached up and touched my cheek.

“Jake, I…” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, there was no holding back my emotions. I felt the tears forming in my eyes. “Jake, I love you.” I whispered. “You know I do.”

I felt him move closer to me, his hand on my waist.

“But don’t ask me to choose.”

He froze.

“Because I can’t make a decision here, now. I know that’s not fair to anyone. After everything that happened I can’t just cut off one of you to be with the other. My heart can’t handle that. So, please, don’t make me choose.”

I felt his hand fall away from my waist, and I knew I had ruined everything. There was no fixing this. I felt a sob break through my chest, my hands flew to my face to try, in vain, to hide my tears.

“I’m sorry, Jake, I’m sorry…” I sobbed.

I suddenly felt myself being pulled forward. Jacob was wrapping me in his arms, pulling me against his chest. He held me tightly in his warm embrace and I sobbed against his chest.

“Shh,” his hand stroked the back of my head, “It’s okay, Beau.”

“I’m sorry, Jake,” I continued to cry, “It’s not okay. I’m not being fair to you, I know that but—“

“Beau,” Jacob gently pushed me back, and lifted my chin to look at his face. “I told you once I could wait. That hasn’t changed.” He managed a half-smile. “Because I’m not giving up. I’ve got loads of time.”

I remembered the last time he said those words to me, what felt like a lifetime ago when we were both just ordinary humans, sitting in the lobby of a movie theatre. Selfish as it was, I hoped he was telling me the truth.

He leaned forward then, and gently kissed my forehead. He pulled me into one more tight hug, before letting me go and slowly backing away.

“BEAUREGARD SWAN!” Charlie’s voice echoed from the house again.

“Beau,” Edward’s voice came from behind me, “we should go.”

Jacob’s expression immediately changed into the bitter mask. He backed away even further as Edward approached.

Edward nodded once toward Jacob, and gently tugged me back towards the house. I let Edward guide me but I kept my eyes on Jacob. He watched us with a dark scowl on his bitter face. The anger drained from his eyes, and then, just before the forest came between us, his face suddenly crumpled in pain.

I knew that last glimpse of his face would haunt me until I saw him smile again.

And right there I vowed that I would see him smile, and soon. I would find a way to fix this, and if it was the last thing I did, I would never lose Jacob Black as a friend.

Edward kept his arm tight around my waist, holding me close. That was the only thing that kept the tears from coming back.

I had some serious problems.

I was in love with my best friend and with the boy standing next to me.

Victor was still on the loose, putting everyone I loved in danger.

If I didn’t become a vampire soon, the Volturi would kill me.

And now it seemed that if I did, the Quileute werewolves would try to do the job themselves—along with trying to kill the Cullens. I didn’t know who would win that fight, but no outcome was acceptable.

Very serious problems. I didn’t know where to begin to find the solutions. I didn’t know who to ask for advice. I didn’t know what I, the human amidst the fantastic, could possibly do to make everyone—including myself—happy.

Edward stopped us in the middle of Charlie’s front yard, under the spruce tree. He moved so he was facing me, putting his hands on my waist.

“Beau,” his voice was soft. “I need to ask you something.”

“Edward…” I began, “I’m… sure you read Jacob’s mind. Can you please wait until I’ve had time to process everything before we talk about this?” I felt tense and anxious.

“Beau, I told you before, I couldn’t blame you if you had moved on.” His voice was even, but the pain was evident in his eyes. “But I know you still love me.”

“I do,” I whispered.

“And I promised you I would show you how much I love you, and I promised I would prove to you that I want you forever.”

“Yes, you did.”

“Then, I have to ask you something.”

“Go ahead.” I was hesitant.

He paused for an excruciatingly long time.

“Marry me, Beau.”

I felt myself gasp quietly. My stomach filled with butterflies and my eyes widened. I couldn’t speak, my head swam, my heart pounded.

And there we stood, possibly on the edge of something amazing. This could be it, our shot at forever. I didn’t know what the future held, and I didn’t know how to fix everything. I was surrounded by danger, by loss, by heartbreak. I had gone through hell and come out the other side a better, stronger version of myself. I didn’t know what my destiny was and I didn’t know what fate might have in store for me. I didn’t have any answers.

But right here, in this one single moment, I didn’t care.

It was spring break in Forks again. When I woke up on Monday morning, I lay in bed for a few seconds absorbing that. Last spring break, I’d been hunted by a vampire, too. I hoped this wasn’t some kind of tradition forming.

Already I was falling into the pattern of things in La Push. I’d spent Sunday mostly on the beach, while Charlie hung out with Billy at the Blacks’ house. I was supposed to be with Jacob, but Jacob had other things to do, so I wandered alone, keeping the secret from Charlie.

When Jacob dropped in to check on me, he apologized for ditching me so much. He told me his schedule wasn’t always this crazy, but until Victoria was stopped, the wolves were on red alert.

When we walked along the beach now, we always held hands.

This made me think about what Jared had said, about Jacob involving his “boyfriend.” I supposed that was exactly what it looked like from the outside. Yet, the truth was I didn’t know what Jacob and I were. We were friends—best friends. I trusted him implicitly, and I adored Jacob. He meant so much to me, he had been so important in my healing process, and he accepted me for who I was—broken heart, and all. Did I mind that we looked like a couple from the outside? Even if it wasn’t really true? I knew Jacob would have loved for things to be what they appeared. Either way, his hand felt nice as it warmed mine, and I didn’t protest.

I worked Tuesday afternoon—Jacob followed me on his bike to make sure I arrived safely—and Mike noticed.

“Are you dating that kid from La Push?” He asked, poorly disguising the resentment in his tone.

I shrugged. “Not in the technical sense of the word, I guess. I do spend most of my time with Jacob, though. He’s my best friend.”

Mike’s eyes narrowed shrewdly. “Don’t kid yourself, Beau. The guy’s head over heels for you.”

“I know,” I sighed. “Life is complicated.”

“And life is cruel,” Mike said under his breath.

I supposed that was an easy assumption to make, too.

That night, Sam and Emily joined Charlie and me for dessert at Billy’s house. Emily brought a cake that would have won over a harder man than Charlie. I could see, as the conversation flowed naturally through a range of casual subjects, that any worries Charlie might have harbored about gangs in La Push were being dissolved.

Jake and I skipped out early, to get some privacy. We went out to his garage and sat in the Rabbit. Jacob leaned his head back, his face drawn with exhaustion.

“You need some sleep, Jake.” I ran my hand through his hair.

“I’ll get around to it.”

He reached up and took my hand in his. His skin was blazing on mine.

“Is that one of those wolf things?” I asked him. “The heat, I mean.”

“Yeah. We run a little warmer than the normal people. About one-oh-eight, one-oh-nine. I never get cold anymore. I could stand like this”—he gestured to his bare torso—“in a snowstorm and it wouldn’t bother me. The flakes would turn to rain where I stood.”

“And you all heal fast—that’s a wolf thing, too?”

“Yeah, wanna see? It’s pretty cool.” His eyes flipped open and he grinned. He reached around me to the glove compartment and dug around for a minute. His hand came out with a pocketknife.

“No, I do not want to see!” I practically shouted as soon as I realized what he was thinking. “Put that away!”

Jacob chuckled, but shoved the knife back where it belonged. “Fine. It’s a good thing we heal, though. You can’t go see just any doctor when you’re running a temperature that should mean you’re dead.”

“No, I guess not.” I thought about that for a minute. “…And being so big—that’s part of it? Is that why you’re all worried about Quil?”

“That and the fact that Quil’s grandfather says the kid could fry an egg on his forehead.” Jacob’s face turned hopeless. “It won’t be long now. There’s no exact age… it just builds and builds and then suddenly—“ He broke off, and it was a moment before he could speak again. “Sometimes, if you get really upset or something, that can trigger it early. But I wasn’t upset about anything—I was happy.” He laughed bitterly. “Because of you, mostly. That’s why it didn’t happen to me sooner. Instead it just kept on building inside of me—I was like a time bomb. You know what set me off? I got back from that movie and Billy said I looked weird. That was all, but I just snapped. And then I—I exploded. I almost ripped his face off—my own father!” He shuddered, and his face paled.

“Is it really bad, Jake?” I asked anxiously, wishing I had some way to help him. “Are you miserable?”

“No, I’m not miserable,” he told me. “Not anymore. Not now that you know. That was hard, before.” He leaned over so that his cheek was resting on top of my head. I instinctively moved into his chest, wrapping my arms around his waist.

He was quiet for a moment, and just held me gently. I wondered what he was thinking about.

“What’s the hardest part?” I whispered, still wishing I could help.

“The hardest part is feeling… out of control,” he said slowly. “Feeling like I can’t be sure of myself—like maybe you shouldn’t be around me, like maybe nobody should. Like I’m a monster who might hurt somebody. You’ve seen Emily. Sam lost control of his temper for just one second… and she was standing too close. And now there’s nothing he can ever do to put it right again. I hear his thoughts—I know what that feels like…

“Who wants to be a nightmare, a monster?

“And then, the way it comes so easily to me, the way I’m better at it than the rest of them—does that make me even less human than Embry or Sam?”

“No, it makes you more awesome.” I tried to smile, but it was hard.

I still felt a soft chuckle rumble in his chest. “Thanks, Beau.” He sighed deeply after a moment. “Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m losing myself.”

“Is it hard? To find yourself again?”

“At first,” he said. “It takes some practice to phase back and forth. But it’s easier for me.”

“Why?” I wondered.

“Because Ephraim Black was my father’s grandfather, and Quil Ateara was my mother’s grandfather.”

“Quil?” I asked in confusion.

“His great-grandfather,” Jacob clarified. “The Quil you know is my second cousin.”

“But why does it matter who your great-grandfathers are?”

“Because Ephraim and Quil were in the last pack. Levi Uley was the third. It’s in my blood on both sides. I never had a chance. Like Quil doesn’t have a chance.”

His expression was bleak.

“What’s the very best part?” I asked, hoping to cheer him up.

“The best part,” he said, suddenly smiling again, “is the speed.”

“Better than our motorcycles?”

He nodded, enthusiastic. “There’s no comparison.”

“How fast can you…?”

“Run?” he finished my question. “Fast enough. What can I measure it by? We caught… what was his name? Laurent? I imagine that means more to you than it would to someone else.”

It did mean something to me. I couldn’t imagine that—the wolves running faster than a vampire. When the Cullens ran, they all but turned invisible with speed.

“So, tell me something I don’t know,” he said. “Something about vampires. How did you stand it, being around them? Didn’t it creep you out?”

“No,” I leaned back to look at his face, “I guess it didn’t.”

Something about my tone made him thoughtful for a moment. He took my hand in his again.

“Say, why’d your bloodsucker kill that James, anyway?” he asked suddenly.

“James was trying to kill me—it was like a game for him. He lost. Do you remember last spring when I was in the hospital down in Phoenix?”

Jacob sucked in a breath. “He got that close?”

“He got very, very close.” I stroked my scar. Jacob noticed, because he held the hand I moved.

“What’s that?” He traded hands, examining my right. “This is your funny scar, the cold one.” He looked at it closer, with new eyes, and gasped.

“Yes, it’s what you think it is,” I said. “James bit me.”

His eyes bulged, and his face turned a strange, sallow color under the russet surface. He looked like he was about to be sick.

“But if he bit you…? Shouldn’t you be…?” He choked.

“Edward saved me twice,” I whispered. “He sucked the venom out—you know, like with a rattlesnake.” I twitched as the pain lashed around the edges of the hole.

But I wasn’t the only one twitching. I could feel Jacob’s whole body trembling next to mine. Even the car shook.

“Careful, Jake. Easy.” I put my hands on either side of his face. “Calm down, ok?”

“Yeah,” he panted. “Calm.” He looked straight into my eyes and took a few deep breaths. After a moment, only his hands were shaking.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, almost. Tell me something else. Give me something else to think about.”

“What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know.” He had his eyes closed now, concentrating. “The extra stuff I guess. Did any of the other Cullens have… extra talents? Like the mind reading?”

I hesitated a second. This felt like a question he would ask of his spy, not his friend. But what was the point of hiding what I knew? It didn’t matter now, and it would help him control himself.

“Jaspar could… sort of control the emotions or the people around him. Not in a bad way, just to calm someone down, that kind of thing. It would probably help Paul a lot,” I added, teasing gently. “And then Alice could see things that were going to happen. The future, you know, but not absolutely. The things she saw would change when someone changed the path they were on….”

Like how she’d seen my dying… and she’d seen me becoming one of them. Two things that had not happened. It almost seemed like so long ago now, being here with Jacob, it almost seemed like a whole different life. Almost, but not quite. For all the progress I had made, a part of me still ached if I thought too deeply about my old life with Edward and his family. A part of me—my heart, probably—was still cracked, still a little broken. The breaks hadn’t been enough to shatter me, but enough to still make me hurt.

“You’re sad.” Jacob’s hand reached up and stroked my cheek.

“How can you tell?” I asked, somewhat surprised. I thought I was keeping my emotions in check, at least outwardly.

“I can always tell with you,” He wrapped his big arms around me. “I know you, Beau.” He pulled me closer to him. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s hard to think about them too much,” I confessed. “It hurts. It’s like… It’s like tapping on a bone that hasn’t completely healed after a break… does that make sense?” It was surprising how much I could tell Jacob now. We had no more secrets.

He smoothed my hair. “It’s okay, Beau, it’s okay. I won’t bring it up again. I’m sorry.”

“I’m fine.” I breathed. “It happens. I’m just trying to heal, I guess.” I relaxed into his arms. “But sometimes I worry that if I have one more break… That I’ll just fall apart.”

“We’re a pretty messed-up pair, aren’t we?” Jacob said. “Neither one of us can hold our shape together right.”

“Messed up, that’s us,” I agreed.

“At least we have each other,” he said, clearly comforted by the thought.

I was comforted, too. “At least there’s that,” I smiled a little.

And when we were together, it was fine. But Jacob had a horrible, dangerous job he felt compelled to do, and so I was often alone, stuck in La Push for safety, with nothing to do to keep my mind off any worries.

I thought about inviting Jessica or Angela to come spend time with me on the beach, but the thought of putting them in danger made me feel sick to my stomach. A phone call was all I could bring myself to do. I pulled out my phone and sent Jessica a text.

           Hey, you up for a phone call? –Beau

 I waited for her response, sitting on the porch of Billy’s house. I felt awkward taking up space inside, and Billy wasn’t one for much conversation so I preferred spending time outside. I didn’t feel like sitting in the long, awkward silence with him.

My phone rang suddenly. The sound of it startled me—I wasn’t use to it going off much these days.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Beauregard Swan,” Jessica’s voice sounded vaguely annoyed. “long time.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “I’m sorry, Jess.”

“Oh, shut up,” I could hear her smirk over the phone. “I’m teasing you. To be honest, I was getting worried about you. If I didn’t know for a fact that you were spending time with your friend, Jacob, I would have been seriously worried!”

“Jacob’s been great.” I admitted. “He’s kept me… above water, I guess.”

“I’m glad, Beau.” She sounded genuine.

“But, that’s not really an excuse for not talking to you much lately.”

“Oh, Beau,” she sighed, “I mean, I totally appreciate that—like, it’s really sweet of you to say…” She paused. “But I still see you at school, and a few texts here and there. I’m good, Beau. Don’t worry about it!”

“Thank you, Jess,” I felt a bit of a lump in my throat. “I mean it.”

“If you’re doing good, if you’re still doing okay then that’s all that really matters. I know it’s been hard.”

“Yeah, it has.” I sighed.

“But Jacob’s been helping?”

“So much.” I smiled, thinking about him.

“Oh, yeah?” I could hear the amusement in her voice. “That’s very nice to hear.”

“Knock it off, Stanley.” I smirked.

“Come on, Swan,” she laughed. “You’ve been spending all your time with him, and I can hear it in your voice when you talk about him.”

“What in my voice?”

She laughed. “Tell me when you figure it out, and we can talk about it then.”

I was confused, I wasn’t sure what she meant. Did my voice change that much when I talked about Jacob? Was it so noticeable?

Jessica and I talked for about an hour. She gracefully changed the subject from me and Jacob to the various gossip going around at school, catching me up on everything I had missed. Angela and Ben had gone on a few dates, Lauren and Tyler. Logan was as awful as ever. It all felt so mundane, so everyday… so normal.

After we said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone, I was immediately overwhelmed by the feeling of loneliness. I promised myself I would spend more time with Jessica, Angela and all my friends at school when everything was sorted out.

I tried hanging out at Emily’s place Wednesday afternoon, for a change. It was kind of kind of nice. Emily was a cheerful person who never sat still. I drifted behind her while she flitted around her little house and yard, scrubbing at the spotless floor, pulling a tiny weed, fixing a broken hinge, tugging a string of wool through an ancient loom, and always cooking, too. She complained lightly about the increase in the boys’ appetites from all their extra running, but it was easy to see she didn’t mind taking care of them.

“It’s nice,” she said suddenly. “Having someone who worries as much as I do.”

“Yeah,” I said quietly. “I feel like they don’t worry enough.”

“They don’t.” She shrugged. “But that’s boys for you, I suppose.”

“I know they’re confident, but still…”

“You don’t need to tell me,” she sighed. “But that’s what I signed up for, I suppose.”

“Yeah,” I nodded solemnly. “Me too.”

“Did you?”

I was surprised by her question.

When I didn’t speak, she continued, her face solemn. “Yes, you’re here. But is this a life you could commit to?” her scarred hand twitched slightly and I was unsure if it was a conscious movement or not. “It’s a lot of worrying, and a lot of danger.”

I thought about her question for a long minute. “I’d be a hypocrite if I said the danger was a deal breaker, wouldn’t I?”

I could see the hint of a smile on the un-scarred corner of her mouth.

“I guess we’re both part of the pack, in our own ways.” I shrugged.

“You’re an interesting person, Beau.” Emily smiled at me, and I smiled back.

Sam showed up then to check in. I only stayed long enough to hear if Jacob was fine and if there was any news, and then I excused myself. I wanted to give them a moment alone. I knew that every brief moment they had was precious, and they didn’t need me hanging around.

I decided to go wander the beach, pacing the length of the rocky crescent back and forth, again and again.

Alone time wasn’t good for me. Thanks to the new honesty with Jacob, I’d been talking and thinking about the Cullens way too much and it was still—still, even after all this time—too soon to give them that. No matter how I tried to distract myself—and I had plenty to think of: I was honestly and desperately worried about Jacob and his wolf-brothers, I was terrified for Charlie and the others who thought they were hunting animals, I was getting in deeper and deeper with Jacob without ever having consciously decided to progress in that direction—none of these very real, very deserving of thought, very pressing concerns could take my mind entirely off the pain I felt in my heart and I hated it. I wondered if maybe almost losing Jacob before we had made up had set me back. Maybe in my panic of losing him I had let myself slip back into old habits and old heartbreaks. I was beyond frustrated with myself, beyond angry with my heart. I sat down on a patch of semidry rocks and hugged my knees close to my chest.

Jacob found me like that, and I could tell from his expression that he knew how upset I was.

“Sorry,” he said right away. He pulled me up from the ground and wrapped both arms around my shoulders. I hadn’t realized how cold I was until then. His warmth made me shudder, but I was grateful for it.

“I’m ruining your spring break,” Jacob accused himself as we walked back up the beach.

“No, you’re not. I didn’t have any plans. I don’t think I like spring breaks, anyway.”

“I’ll take tomorrow morning off. The others can run without me. We’ll do something fun.”

The word seemed almost out of place in my life right now. “Fun?”

“Fun is exactly what you need. Hmm…” he gazed out across the heaving gray waves, deliberating. As his eyes scanned the horizon, he had a flash of inspiration.

“Got it!” he crowed. “Another promise to keep.”

“What are you talking about?”

He let go of my hand and pointed toward the southern edge of the beach, where the flat, rocky half-moon dead-ended against the sheer sea cliffs. I stared, uncomprehending.

“Didn’t I promised to take you cliff diving?”

I shivered.

“Yeah, it’ll be pretty cold—not as cold as it is today. Can you feel the weather changing? The pressure? It will be warmer tomorrow. You up for it?”

The dark water did not look inviting, and, from this angle, the cliffs looked even higher than before.

But a small part of me was thrilled by the idea. The idea that, for as helpless and not in control of my life as I felt, I could grapple it all head on; I could be brave, and adventurous. I could step outside of my normal limitations of comfort and do something so insane as hurl myself from a cliff into the dark waters below. Why not do it? I had wanted to once and I was tired of being afraid all the time. I wanted to be brave.

“Okay, sure. I’m up for it.”

“It’s a date,” Jake smiled, and draped his arm around my shoulders.

“A date,” I repeated. “Now, let’s go get you some sleep.” I didn’t like the way the circles under his eyes were beginning to look permanently etched into his skin.

 I woke early the next morning and snuck a change of clothes out to the truck. I had a feeling that Charlie would approve of today’s plan just about as much as he would approve of the motorcycle.

           The idea of a distraction from all my worries had me almost excited. Maybe it would be fun. A date with Jacob. I felt the strangest sense of excitement in the pit of my stomach; a thrill, almost. I realized I was looking forward to the idea of a date with Jacob. As soon as I named the emotion as excitement, I felt a strange twinge of guilt. Guilt for my excitement, guilt because I was willing to acknowledge our day together as an actual date. I couldn’t understand why I felt that way. I was unattached to anyone, I had every right to go on a date with a boy. So why did I suddenly now feel like it was a breach in trust? A horrible thing? Jake could say what he wanted about us being a messed-up pair—I was the one who was truly messed up. I made the werewolf seem downright normal.

I expected Jacob to meet me out front, the way he usually did when my noisy truck announced my arrival. When he didn’t, I guessed that he might still be sleeping. I would wait—let him get as much rest as he could. He needed his sleep, and that would give the day time to warm a bit more. Jake had been right about the weather, though; it had changed in the night. A thick layer of clouds pressed heavily on the atmosphere now, making it almost sultry; it was warm and close under the gray blanket. I left my sweater in the truck.

I knocked quietly on the door.

“C’mon in, Beau,” Billy said.

He was at the kitchen table, eating cold cereal.

“Jake sleeping?”

“Er, no.” He set his spoon down, and his eyebrows pulled together.

“What happened?” I felt my stomach drop. I could tell from his expression that something had happened.

“Embry, Jared, and Paul crossed a fresh trail early this morning. Sam and Jake took off to help. Sam was hopeful—the redhead’s hedged himself in beside the mountains. Sam thinks they have a good chance to finish this.”

“Oh, no, Billy,” I whispered. “Oh, no.”

He chuckled, deep and low. “Do you really like La Push so well that you want to extend your sentence here?”

“Don’t make jokes, Billy. This is too scary for that.”

“You’re right,” he agreed, still complacent. His ancient eyes were impossible to read. “This one’s tricky.”

I bit my lip.

“It’s not as dangerous for them as you think it is. Sam knows what he’s doing. You’re the one that you should worry about. The vampire doesn’t want to fight them. He’s just trying to find a way around them… to you.”

“How does Sam know what he’s doing?” I demanded, brushing aside his concern for me. “They’ve only killed just the one vampire—that could have been luck.”

“We take what we do very seriously, Beau. Nothing’s been forgotten. Everything they need to know has been passed down from father to son for generations.”

That didn’t comfort me the way he had intended it to. The memory of Victor, wild catlike, lethal, was too strong in my head. If he couldn’t get around the wolves, he would eventually try to go through them. I felt the panic rising in my chest.

Billy went back to his breakfast; I sat down on the sofa and flipped aimlessly through the TV channels. That didn’t last long. I tried to steady my breathing, but the small room was making me feel claustrophobic. I needed to see the outside.

“I’ll be at the beach,” I told Billy abruptly, and hurried out the door.

Being outside didn’t help as much as I’d hoped. The clouds pushing down with an invisible weight that kept the claustrophobia from easing. The forest seemed strangely vacant as I walked toward the beach. I didn’t see any animals—no birds, no squirrels. I couldn’t hear any birds, either. The silence was eerie; there wasn’t even the sound of wind in the trees.

I knew it was all just a product of the weather, but it still added to the threat of a rising panic attack. The heavy, warm pressure of the atmosphere was perceptible even to my average human sense, and it hinted at something major in the storm department. A glance at the sky backed this up; the clouds were churning sluggishly despite the lack of breeze on the ground. The closest grounds were a smoky gray, but between the cracks I could see another layer that was a gruesome purple color. The skies had a ferocious plan in store for today. The animals must be bunkering down.

As soon as I reached the beach, I wished I hadn’t come—I’d already had enough of this place. I’d been here almost every day, wandering alone. Was it so much different from my nightmares? But where else to go? I trudged down to the driftwood tree, and sat at the end so that I could lean against the tangled roots. I stared up at the angry sky, fighting my uneven breaths. I waited for the first drops to break the unbearable stillness.

I tried not to think about the danger Jacob and his friends were in. Because nothing could happen to Jacob. The thought was unendurable. I’d lost too much already—would fate take one of the best things to happen to me since having my heart broken? That seemed unfair, out of balance. But maybe I’d violated some unknown rule, crossed some line that had condemned me. I was reminded of the guilt I felt that morning. Maybe this was my punishment. Maybe it was wrong to be so involved with myths and legends. Maybe…

No. Nothing would happen to Jacob. I had to believe that or I wouldn’t be able to function.

“Argh!”  I groaned, and jumped off the log. I couldn’t sit still; it was worse pacing.

Why today did my heart decide to remind me of those cracks? The breaks that hadn’t fully healed. Was it because I dared to be try and truly be happy again? Was it because I was at risk of completely moving on? Jacob wasn’t here to take my mind off the cracks, and they ached with every breath.

The waves picked up as I paced, beginning to crash against the rocks, but there was still no wind. I felt pinned down by the pressure of the storm. Everything swirled around me, but it was perfectly still where I stood. The air had a faint electric charge—I could feel the static in my hair.

Farther out, the waves were angrier than they were along the shore. I could see them battering against the line of the cliffs, spraying big white clouds of sea foam into the sky. There was still no movement in the air, though the clouds roiled more quickly now. It was eerie looking—like the clouds were moving by their own will. I shivered, though I knew it was just a trick of the pressure.

The cliffs were a black knife edge against the livid sky. Staring at them, I remembered the day Jacob had told me about Sam and his “gang.” I thought of the boys—the werewolves—throwing themselves into the empty air. The image of the falling, spiraling figures was still vivid in my mind. I imagined the utter freedom of the fall… What I wouldn’t give feel that freedom, to be so carefree, to not feel the mounting panic in my chest.

There had to be some way to calm myself. Some way to free myself of this pain. It was growing more and more intolerable by the second. I glared at the cliffs and the crashing waves.

Before I realized it, I was sprinting back along the beach to my truck.

Jacob had promised me cliff diving. He had promised me a date. I so desperately needed that distraction—needed it even worse because Jacob was out risking his life for me. If it weren’t for me, Victor would not be killing people here. The wolves would not be running. Jacob would be safe. If anything happened to Jacob, it would be my fault. That realization stabbed deep. The cracks in my heart flared anew. The panic was nearly unavoidable.

I was in my truck, driving as fast as it could handle. I wasn’t even sure where I was going. I couldn’t do this again. I couldn’t have another breakdown. The storm was moving in quickly now. How fitting it was. The brewing storm seemed to match the storm inside of my body. Churning, building, and threatening to explode. I shouldn’t have been driving. I was in no state. I slammed the breaks and skidded to a stop just off the road. I collapsed into the steering wheel. My breathing erratic.

When I looked up, I realized I had driven to the cliffs. I felt an irresistible pull. What was I doing? I sighed—or, rather, tried to sigh; it came out more of a whimper. I would wait here at the cliffs for Jacob. That’s what I would do. I pulled my phone out of my pocket to call Billy and leave a message for Jake. I was having a hard time focusing. The world was starting to minutely shift before my eyes. I was dizzy, and I needed to get out of my truck.

The wind was finally beginning to touch me, the clouds pressing closer to the ground. I realized I was trudging along the path towards the cliff’s edge. Jacob would find me here, and everything would be fine. I had called Billy, hadn’t I? I couldn’t remember but my phone wasn’t in my pocket anymore.  Just as I reached the place where the dirt path fanned out into the stone precipice, the first drops broke through and splattered on my face.

Why now? Had I been pushing down all these emotions? This panic? Maybe Victor’s dangerous proximity had triggered this. The thoughts flew through my head at dangerous speeds. I thought of my friends, my poor friends who had been so patient. Especially Jessica and Angela. I thought of the pack, out running to protect everyone and putting themselves in danger. I thought of Charlie who was so worried about me since my last breakdown, Charlie who cared so much about me. I thought of Jacob. Sweet, warm, wonderful Jacob who was out running with his brothers to protect me. Risking his life, running on no sleep. Yes, it was his duty as a member of the pack but I knew the truth, he was running for me. The panic was verging on hysteria now.

And all this, all this danger, was all because of the Cullens. If they had never come to Forks, then maybe the La Push boys wouldn’t have become a part of the pack. They could all be normal boys, chasing girls, going to school, whatever it was they had wanted before their lives were decided for them. Poor Sam would be happy with sweet Emily and she wouldn’t wear the scars of his momentary failure. Maybe I would have learned to be content with Forks and my friends at school on my own. Charlie wouldn’t have had to go through the heartbreak of nearly losing me in Phoenix or watch me fall apart.

The wind blew stronger now, whipping the rain into eddies around me.

And there it was. If I had never met Edward Cullen maybe, just maybe, I would have had a normal life. Maybe I wouldn’t have had my heart broken. Or, at least, not broken so very severely. How could I have been so foolish as to let him have so much power over me? How could I have let him break me so completely? It destroyed me, even now after all this time, that he could do that to me. I dared to think that maybe—if things had been different—I would have ended up with some sweet, kind, normal boy.

I had wandered close to the edge of the cliff now; my eyes had been locked on the horizon but now I glanced down at the empty space in front of me. My toes were barely caressing the edge of the rocks. I thought of the freedom I had been so excited for this morning. The careless joy of diving from the cliffs with Jacob.

Jacob. Maybe I could have been happy with… I drew in a deep breath and held it.

“Beau.”

My eyes flew open and I stumbled back away from the cliff edge. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Everything came crashing back to reality. The panic subsided, my breathing became more regular.

No. I didn’t answer out loud. I couldn’t acknowledge that voice. That horrible, torturing illusion of a voice. He sounded so real, so close. Every memory I had tried so hard to let go of his voice—the velvet texture and the musical intonations—came flooding to the surface.

“Beau, stay back from the edge,” he pleaded.

Why? I asked the voice. Why can’t I be careless? Why can’t I be free of you?

“Please, Beau.”

No, he didn’t get to tell me what to do anymore. He didn’t get to hold such power over me—not anymore. I was going to be free of him. I would be free of Edward Cullen. I looked back at the cliff edge. Freedom, carelessness.

“Don’t do this,” the voice pleaded.

Why not? I need to be done with this. I mentally sighed in response.

“Please. For me.”

Edward didn’t get to ask anything of me. Not even the memory of him. Especially not the memory of him.

I took a defiant step toward the cliff. I had to be crazy, but I couldn’t help but think that taking that dive represented something. Represented me letting go of everything. It represented me being truly, unabashedly brave.

“No, Beau!” his voice was angry now, a tinge of desperation in the tone.

“You wanted me to be human,” I reminded him. “Well, watch me.”

I would be brave and I would be free. I would be free of the fear, I would be free of the anxiety, but most of all—and most importantly—I would be free of Edward Cullen.

I took a deep breath.

And I flung myself off the cliff.

I let out a loud cry of shock as the exhilaration of what I was doing rushed through me. The wind resisted, trying vainly to fight the unconquerable gravity, pushing against me and twirling me in spirals like a rocket crashing to the earth.

Yes! The word echoed through my head as I sliced through the surface of the water. It was icy, colder than I’d feared, and yet the chill only added to my high.

I was proud of myself as I plunged deeper into the freezing black water. I hadn’t had one moment of terror—just pure adrenaline. Really, the fall wasn’t scary at all. It was cleansing.

I surfaced and gasped in air. I looked up at the cliff that, only moments before, I had been on top of. It was taller than I had thought. I felt a bit of guilt then; it had been stupid of me to jump from so high. I was so wrapped up in my head that I hadn’t even realized it.

I only had the briefest of moments to consider the dangers of such a high jump before I was suddenly back under the dark water. A wave had crashed into me with all the force and anger of the storm.

And then the current caught me.

I’d been so preoccupied by my thoughts, my anxiety, that I hadn’t even considered the danger of the dark water waiting below.

It felt like the waves were fighting over me, jerking me back and forth between them as if determined to share by pulling me into halves. I knew the right way to avoid a riptide: swim parallel to the beach rather than struggling for the shore. But the knowledge did me little good when I didn’t know which way the shore was.

I couldn’t even tell which way the surface was.

The angry water was black in every direction; there was no brightness to direct me upward. Gravity was all-powerful when it competed with the air, but it had nothing on the waves—I couldn’t feel a downward pull, a sinking in any direction. Just the battering of the current that flung me round and round like a rag doll.

I fought to keep my breath in, to keep my lips locked around my last store of oxygen.

It didn’t help that my delusion of Edward was there. Of course, he would be there, if I was dying. Ironic, almost, since that was whole reason he left me. I was surprised by how sure that knowledge was. I was going to drown. I was drowning.

“Keep swimming!” Edward begged urgently in my head.

This was cruel. Did I really, deep down, hate myself so much that I’d conjure some phantom version of Edward to feign care for me in my last moments?

“Stop that!” he ordered. “Don’t you dare give up!”

The cold of the water was numbing my arms and legs. I didn’t feel the buffeting so much as before. It was more of just a dizziness now, a helpless spinning in the water.

But I wouldn’t die here, not like this. I forced my arms to continue reaching, my legs to kick harder, though every second I was facing a new direction. It couldn’t be doing any good.

“Fight!” he yelled. “Damn it, Beau, keep fighting.”

I’m trying, dammit. Just leave me alone.

I felt myself fading. I couldn’t fight much longer. How stupid was I? How could I have been so selfish. I’d survived a vampire attack—vampire venom! Now I was going to drown because I had to prove something to myself. Idiot.

I thought briefly of the clichés, about how you were supposed to see your life flash before your eyes. It was so much more heartbreaking than that.

I saw everyone I loved. I saw Jessica and Angela, my sweet friends. I saw my mom, crying over me. Charlie, broken and destroyed by this. I saw Jacob—my Jacob—sweet, laughing, holding his hand out to me.

I saw him, and I knew it was the end. It was so clear, so much more defined than any memory. My subconscious had stored Edward away in exact detail. A mental representation of everything I hadn’t let go of. I could see his handsome face as if he were really there; the exact shade of his icy skin, the shape of his lips, the line of his jaw, the gold glinting in his eyes.

“Beau…”

My ears flooded with the freezing water, but his voice was clearer than ever. If nothing else, in this final moment, I would let him go. I would truly be free of him and make my peace with everything that had happened. Even as my lungs burned for more air and my legs cramped in the icy cold, I felt a strange sense of ease.

The current won at that moment, shoving me abruptly against something hard, a rock, invisible in the gloom. It hit me solidly across the chest, slamming into me like an iron bar, and the breath whooshed out of my lungs, escaping in a thick cloud of silver bubbles. Water flooded down my throat, choking and burning. The iron bar seemed to be dragging me, pulling me down, deeper into the dark, ocean floor.

I sprinted down the stairs and threw the door open.

It was Jacob, of course. Even blind, Alice wasn’t slow.

He was standing about six feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth—masklike. He didn’t fool me; I could see the faint trembling of his hands.

Hostility rolled off of him in waves. It brought back that awful afternoon when he’d chosen Sam over me, and I crossed my arms defensively in response.

Jacob’s rabbit idled by the curb with Jared behind the wheel and Embry in the passenger seat. I understood what this meant: they were afraid to let him come here alone. It made me sad, and a little annoyed. My best friend couldn’t even come to my house and feel safe anymore.

“Hey,” I finally said when he didn’t speak.

Jake pursed his lips, still hanging back from the door. His eyes flickered across the front of the house.

“She’s not here, Jake. What’s going on?”

He hesitated. “You’re alone?”

“Yes.” I sighed.

“Can I talk to you a minute?”

“Of course you can, Jake. Come on in.”

Jacob glanced over his shoulder at his friends in the car. I saw Embry shake his head just a tiny bit. For some reason, this bugged me to no end.

“Unless,” I raised an eyebrow antagonistically, “you’re scared.”

Jake’s eyes flashed back to me, his thick, black eyebrows pushing into a furious angle over his deep-set eyes. His jaw set, and he marched—there was no other way to describe the way he moved—up the sidewalk and shrugged past me into the house.

I locked gazes with first Jared and then Embry—I didn’t like the hard way they eyed me; did they really think I would let anything hurt Jacob?—before I shut the door on them.

Jacob was in the hall behind me, staring at the mess of blankets in the living room.

“Slumber party?” he asked, his tone sarcastic.

“Yeah,” I answered with the same level of acid. I didn’t like Jacob when he acted this way. “What’s it to you?”

He wrinkled his nose again like he smelled something unpleasant. “Where’s your ‘friend’?” I could hear the quotation marks in his tone.

“She had some errands to run. Look, Jacob, what do you want?”

Something about the room seemed to make him edgier—his long arms were quivering. He didn’t answer my question. Instead he moved on to the kitchen, his restless eyes darting everywhere.

I followed him. He paced back and forth along the short counter.

“Hey,” I said, putting myself in his way. He stopped pacing and stared down at me. “What’s your problem?”

“I don’t like having to be here.”

That stung. I winced, and his eyes tightened.

“Then I’m sorry you had to come,” I muttered. “Why don’t you just tell me what you need so you can leave?”

“I just have to ask you a couple of questions. It shouldn’t take long. We have to get back for the funeral.”

“Okay. Get it over with then.” I was probably overdoing it with the antagonism, but I didn’t want him to see how much this hurt. I knew I wasn’t being fair. After all, I’d picked the bloodsucker over him last night. I’d hurt him first.

He took a deep breath, and his trembling fingers were suddenly still. His face smoothed into a serene mask.

“One of the Cullens is staying here with you,” he stated.

“Yes. Alice Cullen.”

He nodded thoughtfully. “How long is she here for?”

“As long as she wants to be.” The belligerence was still there in my tone. “It’s an open invitation.”

“Do you think you could… please… explain to her about the other one—Victor?”

I paled. “I told her about that.”

He nodded. “You should know that we can only watch our own land with a Cullen here. You’ll only be safe in La Push. I can’t protect you here anymore.”

“Okay,” I said in a small voice.

He looked away then, out the back windows. He didn’t continue.

“Is that all?”

He kept his eyes on the glass as he answered. “Just one more thing.”

I waited, but he didn’t continue. “Yes?” I finally prompted.

“Are the rest of them coming back now?” he asked in a cool, quiet voice. It reminded me of Sam’s always cam manner. Jacob was becoming more like Sam…. And I wondered why that bothered me so much.

I was distracted by that thought, and forgot to answer. He looked back at my face probing eyes.

“Well?” he asked. He struggled to conceal the tension behind his serene expression.

“No.” I replied. “They aren’t coming back.”

His expression didn’t change. “Okay. That’s all.”

I glared at him, annoyance rekindled. “Well, run along now. Go tell Sam that the scary monsters aren’t coming to get you.”

“Okay,” he repeated, still calm.

That seemed to be it. Jacob walked swiftly from the kitchen. I waited to hear the front door open, but I heard nothing. I could hear the clock over the stove ticking, and I marveled again at how quiet he’d become.

What a disaster. How could I have alienated him so completely in such a short amount of time?

Would he forgive me when Alice was gone? What if he didn’t?

I slumped against the counter and buried my face in my hands. How had I made such a mess of everything? But what could I have done differently? Even in hindsight, I couldn’t think of any better way, any perfect course of action.

“Beau…?” Jacob asked in a troubled voice.

I pulled my face out of my hands to see Jacob hesitating in the kitchen doorway; he hadn’t left when I thought. It was only when I saw the clear drops in my hands that I realized I was crying.

Jacob’s calm expression was gone; his face was anxious and unsure. He walked quickly back to stand in front of me, ducking his head so his eyes were closer to being on the same level with mine.

“Did it again, didn’t I?”

“Did what?” I asked, my voice cracking.

“Broke my promise. Sorry.”

“S’okay,” I mumbled. “I started it this time.”

His face twisted. “I knew how you felt about them. It shouldn’t have taken me by surprise like that.”

I could see the revulsion in his eyes. I wanted to explain to him what Alice was really like, to defend her against the judgements he’d made, but I knew it wasn’t the time for that.

So I just said, “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s not worry about it, okay? She’s just visiting, right? She’ll leave, and things will go back to normal.”

“Can’t I be friends with you both at the same time?” I asked, my voice not hiding an ounce of the hurt I felt.

He shook his head slowly. “No, I don’t think you can.”

I sniffled and stared at his big feet. “Then… You’ll wait, right? You’ll still be my friend, even though I love Alice, too?”

I looked up as I said the last part. For a split second, his face changed—I couldn’t read the expression. It took him a long minute to answer.

“Yeah, Beau, I’ll always be your friend,” he said gruffly. “No matter what you love.”

“Promise?” I asked dropping my eyes to the floor.

“Promise.”

I felt his arms wind around me, and I leaned against his chest, still sniffling. “This really sucks.”

“Yeah.” Then he sniffed my hair and said, “Ew.”

“What!?” I demanded. I looked up to see his nose was wrinkled again. “Why does everyone keep doing that to me? I don’t smell!”

He smiled a little. “Yes, you do—you smell like them. Blech. Too sweet—sickly sweet. And… icy. It burns my nose.”

“Really?” That was strange. Alice smelled unbelievably wonderful. To a human, anyway. “But why would Alice think I smelled, too, then?”

That wiped his smile away. “Huh. Maybe I don’t smell so good to her, either.”

“Well, you both smell fine to me.” I rested my head against him again. I was going to miss him terribly when he walked out my door. I’d miss his laugh, his smile, his warmth. On the one hand, I wanted Alice to stay, and I’d be sad when she left. But how was I supposed to go without seeing Jake for any length of time? What a mess, I thought again.

“I’ll miss you,” Jacob whispered, echoing my thoughts. “Every minute. I hope she leaves soon.”

“It really doesn’t have to be that way, Jake.” My arms were tight around his waist.

He sighed. “Yes, it really does, Beau. You… love her. So I’d better not get anywhere near her. I’m not sure that I’m even-tempered enough to handle that. Sam would be mad if I broke the treaty, and”—his voice turned sarcastic—“you probably wouldn’t like it too much if I killed your friend.”

I recoiled slightly and glared at him when he said that, but my arms stayed at his waist, and he didn’t loosen his arms around me. “There’s no point in avoiding the truth. That’s the way things are, Beau.”

I sighed, and relaxed back into his arms, dropping my head. He was right. “I hate this, Jake.”

Jacob freed one arm so that he could cup his big hand under my chin and make me look up at him. “Yeah. It was easier when we were both human, wasn’t it?”

I sighed again.

We stared at each other for a long moment. His hand smoldered against my skin. In my face, I knew there was nothing but wistful sadness—I didn’t want to have to say goodbye now, no matter for how short a time. I couldn’t imagine it. At first his face reflected mine, but then, as neither of us looked away, his expression changed.

He moved his arm, so his hand rested on the small of my back. He lifted his hand from my chin, and trailed his fingertips down my cheek to my jaw. I could feel his fingers tremble—not with anger this time. His hand rested under my chin, warm and gentle.

“Beau,” he whispered.

My stomach fluttered.

I hadn’t made the decision yet. Or had I? I wasn’t sure. My heart started beating harder. Could I do this? I didn’t know if I could take this step. More importantly, did I want to?

I stared back at him. He was not my Jacob in that sense, but he could be. His face was familiar and beloved. In so many real ways, I did love him. He was my comfort, my safe harbor. Right now, I could choose to have him belong to me.

Alice was back for the moment, but that changed nothing. Edward was never coming back and he wouldn’t begrudge me this. Hell, Edward didn’t get a say. It didn’t matter what he thought anymore. I could be happy here. I could officially start building a new life with Jacob and all it would take to begin was a simple kiss.

Maybe it would be easy—like holding his hand or having his arm around me. It would be easy. As easy as breathing.

Keeping his eyes on mine, Jacob began to bend his face toward me. My arms moved up from his waist to around his neck, draping on his shoulders. His hand on the small of my back pulled me in closer, and my fingers began to tangle in his hair on the back of his head. We were achingly close, and I let my eyes close.

The shrill ring of the phone made us both jump, my eyes shot open but it did not break his focus. He took his hand from under my chin and reached over to grab the receiver, but still held me securely with his hand at the small of my back. His dark eyes did not free mine. My hands slid softly down from his neck to his chest as I tried to steady my breathing.

“Swan residence,” Jacob said, his husky voice low and intense.

Someone answered, and Jacob altered in an instant. He straightened up, and his hand dropped from my back. His eyes went flat, his face blank, and I could only blink in confusion.

I continued to stare at him, bewildered. My eyes searching his face for an answer but he ignored me.

“He’s not here,” Jacob said, and the words were menacing.

There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, “He’s at the funeral.”

Then Jacob hung up the phone. “Filthy bloodsucker,” he muttered under his breath. The face he turned back to me was the bitter mask again.

“Who did you just hang up on?” I glared at him, confused.

“He hung up on me!” He snapped.

“He? Who was it, Jacob?” I stepped back from him now.

He sneered the title. “Dr. Carlisle Cullen.”

“Jake, why didn’t you let me talk to him?!”

“He didn’t ask for you,” Jacob said coldly. His face was smooth, expressionless, but his hands shook. “He asked where Charlie was and I told him. I don’t think I broke any rules of etiquette.”

“Alright, now, you listen to me, Jacob Black—“

But he obviously wasn’t listening. He looked quickly over his shoulder, as if someone had called his name from the other room. His eyes went wide and his body stiff, then he started trembling. I listened too, automatically, but heard nothing.

“Bye, Beau,” he spit out, and wheeled toward the front door.

“No, Jake!” I ran after him. “What is it?”

And then I ran into him, as he rocked back on his heels, cussing under his breath. He spun around and caught me in his arms, holding me tightly. His face was livid.

Alice stood motionless at the foot of the stairs.

“Beau,” she choked.

I forced myself out of Jacob’s grasp, stumbling towards Alice. Her eyes were dazed and far away, her face drawn and whiter than bone. Her slim body trembled to an inner turmoil.

“Alice what’s wrong?” I cried. I put my hands on her face, trying to calm her.

Her eyes focused on mine abruptly, wide with pain.

“Edward,” was all she whispered.

I didn’t really have time to form a reaction, I couldn’t make sense of her bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward. She moved her hands to grasp my shoulders, but the whole room suddenly tilted at the oddest angle and I heard Jacob’s furious voice in my ear, hissing out a stream of profanities. I felt a vague disapproval. The La Push boys were clearly a bad influence.

I was across the room before I had time to register I was moving. Jacob was holding me tightly in his arms and he was shaking violently. I felt dizzy from the sudden movement.

“Don’t you touch him!” Jacob snarled at Alice.

She ignored him. “Beau, we have to hurry.”

“Stay back,” Jacob warned.

“Calm down, Jacob Black,” Alice ordered. “You don’t want to do that with him in your arms.”

“I don’t think I’ll have any problem keeping my focus,” he retorted, but his voice was a little cooler.

“Alice?” I was still slightly dazed. “What happened?”

“I don’t know,” she suddenly wailed. “What is he thinking?!”

Jacob was still shaking violently, he was holding me tightly in front of him, his head low, just beside mine, glowering at Alice. I found his hand with mind and gave it a tight squeeze. I heard him draw in a deep, slow breath.

Alice had rushed to her bag and pulled a sleek, flat phone out of it. Her fingers tapped the screen so quickly they were a blur.

“Roy, I need to talk to Carlisle now.” Her voice whipped through the words. “Fine, as soon as he’s back. No, I’ll be on a plane. Look, have you heard anything from Edward?”

Alice paused now, listening with an expression that grew more appalled every second. Her mouth opened into a little O of horror, and the phone shook in her hand.

“Why?” She gasped. “Why would you do that, Royal?”

Whatever the answer was, it made her jaw tighten in anger. Her eyes flashed and narrowed.

“Well, you’re wrong on both counts, though, Royal, so that would be a problem, don’t you think?” she asked acidly. “Yes, that’s right. Beau is absolutely fine—I was wrong… It’s a long story… but you’re wrong about that part, too, that’s why I’m calling… yes, that’s exactly what I saw.”

Alice’s voice was very hard and her lips were pulled back from her teeth. “It’s a bit late for that, Royal. Save your remorse for someone who believes it.” Alice tapped the screen sharply, ending the call.

Her eyes were tortured as she turned to face me.

“Alice,” I spoke quickly, “Alice, Carlisle is back, though. He called just before…”

She stared at me blankly. “How long ago?” she asked in a hollow voice.

“Half a minute before you showed up.”

“What did he say?” She really focused now, waiting for my answer.

“Well, I didn’t talk to him.” My eyes flickered to Jacob.

Alice turned her penetrating gaze on him. He flinched, but held his place next to me. He pulled me in tighter, and I reflexively squeezed his hand.

“He asked for Charlie, and I told him Charlie wasn’t here,” Jacob muttered resentfully.

“Is that everything?” Alice demanded, her voice like ice.

“Then he hung up on me,” Jacob spit back. A tremor rolled down his spine, shaking me with it.

“You told him Charlie was at the funeral,” I reminded him.

Alice’s gaze snapped back to me. “What were his exact words?”

“He said, ‘He’s not here,’ and when Carlisle asked where Charlie was, Jacob said, ‘At the funeral.’”

Alice moaned and sank to her knees.

“Alice, what is going on?” I demanded.

“That wasn’t Carlisle on the phone,” she said hopelessly.

“Are you calling me a liar?” Jacob snarled from beside me.

Alice ignored him, focusing on my bewildered face.

“It was Edward.” The words were just a choked whisper. “He thinks you’re dead.”

My mind finally began to process everything.

“Royal told him I killed myself, didn’t he?” I said, putting it all together.

“Yes,” Alice admitted, her eyes flashing hard again. “In Roy’s defense, he did believe it. They rely on my sight far too much for something that works so imperfectly. But for him to track Edward down to tell him this! Didn’t he realize… or care…?” her voice faded away in horror.

“So, then, when Edward called here, he thought Jacob meant my funeral,” I realized. I didn’t know how to feel, having been so close to speaking to Edward myself. I was gripping Jacob’s hand like a vice, but he didn’t flinch.

Alice looked at me strangely. “You’re not upset,” she whispered.

“Upset? I don’t...” I furrowed my brows, “It was really rotten timing, sure, but it will get straightened out. The next time he calls, someone will tell him… what… really…” I trailed off. Her gaze strangled the words in my throat.

Why was she so panicked? Why was her face twisting now with pity and horror? What was it she had said to Royal on the phone just now? Something about what she’d seen… and Royal’s remorse; Royal would never feel remorse for anything that happened to me. But if he’d hurt his family, hurt his brother…

“Beau,” Alice whispered. “Edward won’t call again. He believed him.”

“I don’t understand, Alice.” I stared at her, uncomprehending.

“He’s going to Italy.”

It took the length of one heartbeat for me to understand.

A memory, from a lifetime ago, instantly resurfaced in my mind. The memory of Edward’s voice, from a time when I thought he loved me.

Well, I wasn’t going to live without you, he’d said as we watched Romeo and Juliet die, here in this very room. But I wasn’t sure how to do it…. I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi…. You don’t irritate them. Not unless you want to die.

Not unless you want to die.

“No!” The word came out like a bellow of disbelief and the color drained from my face, Alice and Jacob jumped at the sound. As soon as the color drained from my face the blood came rushing back. My face got hot as I realized what she’d seen. “No! No, way. He can’t! He can’t do that!”

“He made up his mind as soon as your friend confirmed that it was too late to save you.”

“But he… he left! He didn’t want me anymore! What difference does it make now? He knew I would die sometime!”

“I don’t think he ever planned to outlive you by long,” Alice said quietly.

“How dare he!” I screamed the words. I had never thought that I, a human, could make a vampire and a werewolf edge away from me in fear, and yet Alice and Jacob both moved back away. The look of shock mingled with fear was plain on both their faces.

B-Beau?” Alice’s voice was uncertain. “Are you—“

“No, Alice, I am not okay.” I was fuming, more furious than I had ever felt in my life. I was aimlessly pacing the room. “That—that—Stupid! Idiotic! Moronic! Selfish! Ass!” I spat out each word. I rounded on Alice, my voice tight and intense. “What can we do? Can’t we call him? Can Carlisle?”

She was shaking her head. “That was the first thing I tried. He left his phone in a trash can in Rio—someone answered it…,” she whispered, watching me carefully.

“Oh, my god.” I pressed my fists to my temple. “You said before we had to hurry. Hurry how?” Alice didn’t answer right away. “Alice, hurry how?”

“Beau, I—I don’t think I can ask you to…” She trailed off in indecision.

“Oh, just ask me!” I snapped.

She put her hands on my shoulders, holding me in place, her fingers flexing sporadically to emphasize her words. “We may already be too late. I saw him going to the Volturi… and asking to die.” She cringed, and I fumed. “It all depends on what they choose. I can’t see that till they make a decision.

“But if they say no, and they might—Aro is fond of Carlisle, and wouldn’t want to offend him—Edward has a backup plan. They’re very protective of their city. If Edward does something to upset the peace, he thinks they’ll act to stop him. And he’s right. They will.”

I stared at her with my jaw clenched in angry frustration.

“So if they agree to grant his favor, we’re too late. If they say no, and he comes up with a plan to offend them quickly enough, we’re too late. If he gives into his more theatrical tendencies… we might have time.”

“Oh, I think we’ll have time.” I intoned sarcastically.

“Listen, Beau! Whether we are in time or not, we will be in the heart of the Volturi city. I will be considered his accomplice if he is successful. You will be a human who not only knows too much, but also smells too good. There’s a very good chance that they will eliminate us all—though in your case it won’t be a punishment so much as dinnertime.”

I considered her words carefully. Even in my anger, I didn’t want to sign my death certificate, just to stop Edward. But how could I not stop him?

“I don’t want to get you killed, Beau.”

I took a deep breath.

“Alice, listen to me.” Her eyes were locked onto mine. My voice was low, and I tried to steady it as much as I could. “I am not doing this for him so much as I am doing this for you, for your family, and for myself. He doesn’t get to break my heart, take everything from me, and leave me an absolute mess for months just so he can turn around and kill himself the minute he thinks I’m dead. That’s not fair. I won’t live with that guilt on my conscious. I will never be able to move on and forget him if he gets himself killed.” Alice’s face was a mixture of emotions. “So,” I sighed. “Tell me what I need to do.”

She paused for a brief moment. “You write a note to Charlie. I’ll call the airlines.”

“Charlie, oh god,” I grabbed at my stomach as I felt it drop.

I already hated myself thinking I would put Charlie through more worry and couldn’t stand the thought of leaving him alone to face…

“I’m not going to let anything happen to Charlie.” Jacob’s low voice was gruff and angry. “Screw the treaty.”

I glanced at him, and he scowled back.

“Hurry, Beau,” Alice interrupted urgently.

I ran to the kitchen, yanking the drawers open and throwing the contents all over the floors as I searched for a pen. A smooth, brown hand held one out to me.

“Thank you,” I mumbled, pulling the cap off with my teeth. He silently handed me the pad of paper we wrote phone messages on. I tore off the top sheet and threw it over my shoulder.

Dad, I wrote. I’m with Alice. Edward is in trouble and about to do something incredibly stupid. I know it’s the worst time. I’m so sorry to do this to you, we can talk when I get back. Love you so much. Beau.

“Don’t go,” Jacob whispered. The anger was all gone now that Alice was out of sight.

I realized that I had grabbed his hand while I wrote the note and I was holding on to it tightly. I felt another drop in my stomach. “Please, please, please take care of Charlie,” I said, my eyes closed. I hurried away before he could speak again out to the front room. Alice was waiting in the doorway with a bag over her shoulder.

“Get your wallet—You’ll need ID. Please tell me you have a passport. I don’t have time to forge one.”

I nodded and then raced up the stairs, my knees weak with gratitude that my mother had wanted to marry Phil on a beach in Mexico. Of course, like all her plans, it had fallen through. But not before I’d made all the practical arrangements I could for her.

I tore through my room. I stuffed my old wallet, a clean T-shirt, and jeans into my backpack, and then threw my toothbrush on top. I hurled myself back down the stairs. The sense of déjà vu was nearly stifling by this point. At least, unlike the last time— when I’d run away from Forks to escape thirsty vampires rather than to find them— I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to Charlie in person. I didn’t think either of us could have handled it right now.

Jacob and Alice were locked in some kind of confrontation in front of the open door, standing so far apart you wouldn’t assume at first that they were having a conversation. Neither one seemed to notice my noisy reappearance.

“You might control yourself on occasion, but these leeches you’re taking him to—“ Jacob was furiously accusing her.

“Yes. You’re right, dog.” Alice was snarling, too. “The Volturi are the very essence of our kind—they’re the reason your hair stands on end when you smell me. They are the substance of your nightmares, the dread behind your instincts. I’m not unaware of that.”

“And you take him to them like a bottle of wine for a party!” he shouted.

“You think he’d be better off if I left him here alone, with Victor stalking him?”

“We can handle the redhead.”

“Then why is he still hunting?”

Jacob growled and a shudder rippled through his torso.

“Stop that! Both of you!” I shouted at them, and they both deflated a bit. “Argue when we get back!” I paused briefly. “Alice, go to the car. I’ll be right out.”

Alice disappeared out the door. I stopped and turned to face Jacob one last time before I left.

His face wasn’t angry anymore, it was unbearably sad.

“Please, Beau.” His hands reached out to grip my shoulders. “I’m begging.”

His dark eyes were glistening with tears. A lump filled my throat.

“Jake, I have to—“

“You don’t, though. You really don’t. You could stay here with me. You could stay alive. For Charlie. For me.”

The engine of Carlisle’s Mercedes purred; the rhythm of the thrumming spiked when Alice revved it impatiently.

I choked back my tears, I desperately wanted to do what he asked of me. Stay here, and stay alive… for him. I dropped my bag and my hands gripped his arms. I couldn’t meet his gaze.

“Don’t die, Beau,” he choked out. “Don’t go. Don’t.”

“Jacob…”

What if I never saw him again?

The thought pushed me past the silent tears; a sob broke out from my chest. I threw my arms around his waist and hugged him as tightly as I could for one too-short moment, burying my tear-wet face against his chest. He put his big hand on the back of my head, as if to hold me there.

“Bye, Jake.” I pulled myself back, my arms flew to his neck, and I lifted myself up to kiss him on the cheek. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

I spun away and raced for the car, scooping up my backpack as I ran.  I felt dizzy and weak. The moment I had lifted myself up to kiss him on the cheek I had caught the briefest glimpse of the complete despair and agony on his face.

The door on the passenger side of the car was open and waiting. I threw my backpack over the headrest and slid in, slamming the door behind me.

“Take care of Charlie!” I turned to shout out the window, but Jacob was nowhere in sight. As Alice stomped on the gas and—with the tires screeching like human screams—spun us around to face the road, I caught sight of a shred of white near the edge of the trees. A piece of shoe.