Gosh
It is time for my annual check-in with the four people who still use Tumblr!
Feeling nostalgic this morning; its gray out and I'm listening to chill instrumental hip hop and finished writing to my counsellor. Running on caffeine and melancholy vibes today, riding the line of 'is this a panic attack or just the current horrific reality of existence'. I'm off work today. Yes, I'm still at Home Depot but now I'm the hardware supervisor so you could say I'm one Subaru away from being a full on stereotype. I've been in the city and at that store for two years now. I haven't explored much of the city in that time but I have really dug into Netflix and have bought a ton of books and have read very few. I do a lot of crossword puzzles and learned how to solve a Rubik's cube. I grew out of my summer shorts. I am learning to communicate my feelings and needs and an increase in self-awareness is leading to a surprising feeling of isolation and self-loathing, and resentment. I am tired a lot but usually just with myself now.
What else? We bought an orange car together. Our apartment is sketchy but affordable. I went to Poland to meet her mom in December and saw snow-covered mountains for the first time, and probably ate 100 pierogi. I met her brothers and they translated for me. They are all too far, I would love to know them better. I also had a hysterectomy, did I already tell you? In 2020, December, right in the height of what-the-fuck-is-happing-in-the-world. I was bleeding a ton and sleeping a lot, it turned out I had a pretty large (mini-watermelon) sized fibroid growing and STEALING a lot of my blood. The safest solution was to remove my uterus, which was really scary and kind of sad for me and I couldn't have visitors and a ton of people looked at my vagina which was interesting, but I am here now and I can finally donate blood which I did this month for the first time in years. That feels nice.
That's where I am at now. Kind of comfortable at my job in a leadership role-comfortable if I allow myself to be, which I am trying to for now. Happy to be with a person who sees me and helps me to grow and be my best self, and hopefully I do that for her too. Trying to be more self aware and to see moments for what they are instead of what was and what will be.
K. See you next year, probably.
