#bdt2

it

Mental Conditions are weird. After a while, having them feels as much as if they are just part of who you are rather than being something added, burnt on you. Even if you are seeing your depression/mania/delusions appearing from nowhere, it always feels holistic, as if that was supposed to happen even without reason.

For those without these conditions, they often believe that we can easily identify when something is different inside us and set it aside as if some bug crawled on our shoulder. I cannot blame them. For them, feeling sad is just feeling sad. Feeling in top of the world is nice and manageable. Feeling scared or anxious and ashamed are things that just can be brushed of or that will go away in a matter of minutes, an hour max. They cannot comprehend us, even though they may try.

Still, I have come to the realization that we cannot comprehend others’ mental condition if it is not the same as ours. We know that it is hard and understand that it is something beyond our control, but having Bipolar Disorder Type 1 or 2 is not the same as suffering Major Depressive Disorder or having Persistent Depressive Disorder. Nor is the same as Schizophrenia or Borderline Personality Disorder. All these mental conditions are very different between them....We have unique conditions and the best we can do for others is knowing that it is hard for them too, maybe even harder than to us.

I have Bipolar Type II Disorder, which is not the same as Bipolar Type I or Cyclothimia. I do not experience explosive states of mania/energy nor deep lows of a major depressive episode. Instead, I have short hypo-maniac (mood/energy moderate boosts) episodes followed  by an extended period of minor depression with high and lows towards a moderate mood or major depression.

In appearance it is just as a normal person’s mood swings. However, after reading different articles and analyzing how I do feel, I can confidently state that life events do tend to affect me stronger, positively and negatively. I also can state it has become somewhat of a routine:

1.- I have a hypo-maniac episode: I feel great, with energy to do many things, that I am capable of doing them and accomplish them. It is time to work!

2.- Downhill to minor depression: I began getting lazy in my goals; tend to lose interest in whatever I was doing. I am still working, but I feel how I am slowly stop caring. 3.- Minor depression: I feel blue and lose confidence in whatever I was doing. I feel as though I am not able to achieve anything or that I am actually faking everything good I do. I know things will go better, but just do not feel that it is true or that I am making any effort. 4.- Normal state: Doing things, but feeling like I am actually not doing anything.

Through this routine, I know that the next episodes are coming and take advantage of my energy to do as much as I can, and try to plan when in downhill and minor depression. For people around me, I am annoying, for I get irritated quickly, and I am an annoyance, for I do not progress. I cannot put fault on my condition, for I am responsible for myself. But god, would it help a lot...if I could not feel like I am actually going nowhere.