#bdrpdiary

Dear Diary,

I’m doing it to myself again. I can’t explain why this keeps happening to me! I’m an embarrassment to my father, to my family, to the company. To my friends. To myself, to everyone! All I wanted was a nice party, and to be able to spend time with Ariel. I made this party as extravagant as I could possibly manage. There were so many people there… Instead of making it invite-only, I made it open, so the place really was quite packed. Which is good. If everything goes okay. Which, really it didn’t. And again, it’s all my fault. I messed up again.

Everything was going alright I suppose at the beginning, for the most part. I mean, Ariel came over before the party, and we watched Breakfast At Tiffany’s. And I didn’t cry! Which is really good, because that would have been super embarrassing, and once I realized how embarrassed I was, I’d probably cry even more.

But it was weird, being next to her… being super close to her, even touching sometimes. While watching such a beautiful movie as that. And knowing that I should stop thinking about her romantically. She kept saying the word ‘friend’. And it kept reminding me that, we were only friends. We could only be friends. Because she didn’t think about me like that. She clearly is just more affectionate than I am. She’s more physical… Something that I’ll definitely have to get used to.

I just sent in a letter to the Swynlake Squire. I’m hoping they can tell me how to fix all this… if fixing it is even possible. I don’t even want to say what happened, because I’m so disgusted in myself. I.. everything was going wonderfully! We were joking around, laughing, eating, but it got all messed up when things got a little bit.. intimate? I really couldn’t control what was happening. We were dancing and she kept getting closer and closer and she put her hands on me and I was freaking out because I’d never been in a situation like that before so how could I keep calm? So, I got a hard on. I couldn’t make it stop and she was going to notice and I didn’t know what to do. I felt so helpless, it felt like all the air in the room was being packed around me and I couldn’t get out. So I had to leave. I really, really didn’t want to leave her behind again. I actually really wanted to be with her. But what else was I supposed to do?!?

To be quite frank, not that I enjoy thinking about these types of things, but, after leaving the party and locking myself in the bathroom… well that was my first time actually masturbating. Not counting when I was little of course. Like, actually doing it. And, I didn’t feel good about it. I know everyone else has their own views on the topic and I’m not saying my views are the only right ones, but for me I really think that kind of release is something that should be reserved for someone special. And it would probably feel better, more intimate if it was with somebody that I knew I loved.

I wish that I could just explain to her what is going on. But I know I can’t because she won’t like it. If she knows I’m in love with her, she’ll hate me, because we’re only supposed to be friends. And I’ve been giving her such mixed signals, I know. I know I’m a bad person for being this way. Out of all the people to fall in love with, of course it was her. This girl, that I’d been so embarrassingly stupid around. This girl that was a terribly angry drunk. This girl that had seen parts of me that I try to hide as much as possible. The feminine side of me that I constantly want to show, but it’s so hard for me because I know my father disapproves. He doesn’t like me cooking, or baking, or watching romantic movies. He hates when I read books. He wants me to do archery, sports, hunt, go to business meetings. His interests and his desires for my future are constantly being thrown at me. I know I embarrass him. I know that he just wants me to find a nice girl as quickly as possible and settle down. And my real personality isn’t something that girls are attracted to. If I want Ariel to love me (not that she probably ever will) I have to be different. I have to be strong, and get in shape.

Is it even worth trying to win her heart, at this point? It really seems like a losing battle. Maybe the Relationship Column will help me figure out what to do. I don’t want to feel like this forever. I always thought of love as a beautifully romantic thing. Something that would bring me happiness for the rest of my life. But actually? It really fucking hurts. Because I’m a moron. And I keep doing stupid things. I don’t even deserve her.

Best wishes,