#bctm

“I have to get up early tomorrow,” Violet said as soon as Katya entered her room. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, facing away from Katya. He watched the rise and fall of her bare shoulders as she breathed. The muscles in her back looked tense, and she was gripping the bedsheets tightly.

“Great. I don’t care.” Katya’s tone made her flinch ever so slightly. She was used to him ignoring her brattiness and putting up with her sass. “Do you wanna tell me why you’re mad at me? Huh? Because I’ve combed through all my memories, several times, and I can’t think of anything that I did to piss you off.” He realized that he was raising his voice, growing louder with every word. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Katya,” Violet said with a sigh.

“Violet, please just tell me what I did. You know I would never want to hurt you. I- I- I’ll do anything to make it up to you, I swear.” Violet remained facing away from him. She continued her silence as Katya walked closer to the bed. “Violet, look at me. What’s wrong?”

Violet stood up and turned around, facing Katya. “I don’t know what’s wrong, okay? I don’t know. I’m just… tired. I’m so tired. Katya…” Her voice cracked. Katya stared at her. This was a side of Violet that was rarely seen by anyone. He didn’t quite know how to handle it; should he hug her or give her space? Was she going to cry?

Violet sniffled, and then turned away from him once again. She absolutely hated letting anyone see her cry. Taking a few deep breaths, she tried to calm herself down.

“Violet, it’s okay. You’re allowed to cry.” She froze for a few seconds, and then sat down on the edge of the bed once again and covered her face with her hands. Katya walked over to the other side, so that he was facing her. He grabbed her wrists gently and pulled her hands away from her face, and then pulled her in towards him so her face was pressed against his stomach. The position was pretty awkward, him standing over her while she cried into his shirt, but he continued to hold her head against him tightly.

After a few minutes, Katya released her and bent down so that they were face to face. He wiped away some of the wetness on her cheeks with his thumbs, gently cupping the sides of her face. Violet hiccupped a bit and looked down at her knees.

“Violet, I miss you. I miss texting you, and talking at night, and waking up with you. I barely ever get to see you and when I do, you don’t wanna hang out with me anymore. I’m sorry for whatever I did, but if you don’t tell me why you’re mad at me, I might make you mad again.”

Violet looked up at him and sniffled. “I’m not mad at you.”

“You’re not?”

“Of course not. I’m just… sad.” Katya sat down on the bed next to Violet. Although he was relieved to find out that he hadn’t done anything to anger her, he was still puzzled and wanted Violet to explain her behavior.

“Yeah, it’s nice when we’re together, but you always have to leave. Or I have to leave. And not to sound corny, but my heart like… hurts. After you leave, I mean. It makes me sad for, like, a week. Sometimes longer. I thought… I guess…” Violet turned her head and looked at Katya in the eyes. “When we spend the whole night together and talk, and laugh, and cuddle, it makes me feel like I have a normal life. Because those are normal things to do with someone you… care about. But I don’t have a normal life, and we don’t have a normal relationship. I’m never home, I can barely see my friends, I can’t even think about dating someone. It’s better for me to just cut everyone off and focus on work for a while.”

“Then why do you still call me to come over and fuck you?”

Violet looked away. He could tell she was trying to keep her tears in again. “I can’t help it. I like you too much to stop,” she whispered. Katya hated seeing Violet like this. He could tell she was torn up inside, trying to fight off her feelings and keep her guard up. She was always so focused on proving that she was strong, but Katya already knew this. He didn’t want her to try and prove anything to him.

Wrapping his arm around her, he grabbed her head and gently tilted it until it leaned on his shoulder. “I like you too much to stop, too,” Katya said with a sigh. “And I do miss you when I leave, but it’s okay because I always know there’s going to be a next time. Or I thought I knew that. Until you kinda started acting different. And then I wasn’t sure. And that made me really sad, Violet. I like you a whole lot. We get along so well, and I really admire you. Plus, you’ve got a bangin’ body and a tight little ass.” Violet giggled, for the first time that night, and pushed Katya off of her.

“Bitch, shut up!” The two shared a laugh, and then fell into a comfortable silence, before Katya spoke again.

“Look, Vi, I really do miss you. I’ll do anything to make you feel better. I don’t think you should fight your feelings anymore. It’ll wear you out. Why don’t you just tell me what you really want from me?” Violet’s face fell. She frowned and looked down, and then took a deep breath.

“Katya, I want more. I’m sorry, but I want more. I wanna see you more often, and I wanna eat dinner with you, and I wanna talk to you all the time, and I wanna kiss you when we aren’t having sex, and… I wanna do cheesy shit that people do when they’re… umm… when they’re…”

“A couple?” Katya finished for her. Violet looked up at him with the saddest expression he had ever seen her make.

“I’m sorry Katya. I’m so sorry. I know you don’t want all that with me. I’m not tryna make you feel weird. I- I don’t know. I just…” She trailed off. Her bottom lip began to quiver again.

“Whoa whoa whoa, when did I say I didn’t want that with you, Violet?” Katya asked. Violet looked at him, her mouth hanging open.

“But… but… I thought… I just thought you liked what we had because there were no strings attached, and you didn’t have to commit?”

“No, I liked what we had because I got to spend time with you. And have sex with you. That was a big part of it too.” He grinned at her until she was smiling slightly as well. “Listen, we can work something out. I can come see you when I don’t have a gig, and you can come see me when you don’t. You can text me whenever, and when we’re far apart, we can FaceTime. I’m totally fine putting effort in for you, because I like you a lot. Seeing you so sad kind of breaks my heart, Violet.” Violet just stared at him for a second. Katya couldn’t read her expression; he wasn’t sure if she was going to laugh or cry. Suddenly, she lunged at him, pushing his back down so he was laying on her bed. She climbed on top of him and started kissing him all over his face. Katya laughed, and then grabbed her face and brought her lips to his, kissing her hard. She pulled back and looked into his eyes.

“Okay, I need to go to bed now. I really do have a fitting tomorrow morning.”

“Well, can I still stay the night?”

“Yeah.”

Brooklyn, New York

“Can you leave now? Not to be rude, but I’m kinda tired. Gotta get up early tomorrow for a fitting.” Violet didn’t look at Katya when she said this. She kept her face pressed against the pillow, laying on her side with her back turned towards him.

“Okay, Violet.” Katya sat up in her bed and stretched. He took a minute to survey her dimly lit bedroom and locate his clothes, which were scattered across the carpet. He sighed and looked over at Violet, who didn’t move at all. He was getting used to this though.

Katya attempted to pinpoint the exact moment his relationship with Violet turned weird. They had agreed, about a year and a half ago, that whenever they happened to be in the same city, they would hook up. The arrangement had worked so well at the beginning. After all, it was difficult to always have to find trade on the road. Violet and Katya already knew they were sexually compatible, thanks to the few late-night trysts Violet had drunkenly initiated on various stops of the BOTS tour two years ago. “It’s like friends with benefits! And these are really good benefits,” Katya had explained, and Violet had agreed, and then they had proceeded to have mind-blowing intercourse for three hours in a hotel in Chicago. Since that day, without fail, Katya and Violet had met up for sex every single time they were in the same city. The first four times had been wonderful. Katya left a hickey on Violet’s ass cheek in Seattle that she wished she could get tattooed on, Violet did things with her mouth in Houston that Katya didn’t even know were possible, Katya tied Violet’s wrists to the hotel bed in Manchester and had her yelping his name so loud that the people in the room next door were banging on the walls to get her to shut up. They had laughed about that last one the next morning, and then kissed goodbye, Violet going to London and Katya flying back to LA.

If Katya had to pick a day where things changed, he would have to say it was when they met in Boston, weeks later. After Boston, Violet would not let Katya spend the night with her anymore. There was no more cuddling, no more post-sex banter, no more waking up in each other’s arms. In Portland, Violet had left Katya’s hotel room immediately after sex, even though Katya had been really rough, the way Violet liked it, and she was visibly fatigued. In Dublin, Violet wouldn’t let Katya kiss her goodbye, even though they had just been making out for the past hour. In Miami, Violet left Katya’s hotel at 2 am in the pouring rain, even though he had begged her not to go out and catch a cold. It had to be Boston, Katya thought, it just had to be. But what happened in Boston?

Katya suddenly realized that he was still sitting naked in Violet’s bed. He immediately got up, collected his clothes and hurriedly got dressed. He almost walked out of Violet’s room without another word, but something stopped him. She was the one who called him here, to her own apartment. Obviously she still enjoyed his company, otherwise she could have just called someone else, seeing as they were in her home city and she must know some local trade. Katya decided he was going to play her game. Walking over to the other side of the bed, the side Violet was facing, he crouched down until he was eye level with her. She was staring straight ahead, but met his eyes when he grabbed her chin and rubbed her bottom lip with her thumb.

“Violet, this was great, now give me a kiss goodbye.” He leaned in without letting her get a word out. Pressing his lips to hers, he expected at least some form of effort, but got nothing. Violet closed her eyes and let him kiss her, but did not move her lips at all. This wouldn’t do, Katya thought. Pulling back, he stared at her face. Her eyes remained closed, until Katya grabbed her shoulders and gently pushed her until she was lying on her back. She opened her eyes and stared up at him.

“I’m not leaving until you give me a kiss.” This was a bluff. If she really told him to leave, he would leave. Katya would do anything Violet asked, in that moment and any moment.

“I just did!” Violet protested.

“A real kiss.” Katya tried to read Violet’s emotions, but she was stone faced as she just stared up at him. He took her lack of a retort as permission. Climbing on the bed, he straddled her hips over the covers. He leaned down, his hands on either side of her head, and pressed his lips to hers once again. This time, she opened her mouth and stuck her tongue into Katya’s immediately. Katya was surprised, but he allowed it. The kiss was even more passionate than he had expected or planned, not that he was complaining. He let it go on for a few seconds longer, and then slowly pulled back. Both were out of breath, and Katya could see the quick rising and falling of Violet’s bare chest.

Katya laid in his hotel bed in Manhattan. The room was gorgeous, no doubt, but he still wished he was in Violet’s bed, curled up around her, talking about why math is related to music (“It’s all about dividing the amount of time in a measure up properly, I think”), and why we eat pigs but not dogs (“It’s strictly culture! Pigs are smarter than dogs, Violet!”), and why Trixie should really break up with her new boyfriend, (“He’s kind of a dick, don’t you think, Vi?”). Katya missed all those things. He missed the smell of Violet’s hair, and the way she hummed a song to herself before she fell asleep, and the way he would sometimes wake up in the morning to her unconsciously sucking on one of his fingers. The last time that had happened was in Boston. He wracked his brain to try and remember everything about that night. The two were in the same show, and were subsequently placed in the same hotel. After the show, they went to their separate rooms to de-drag, and then Katya made his way over to Violet’s room. That was the night they had had slow, tender, passionate sex, Katya taking his time and drawing it out until he had Violet practically begging him to let her finish. He was fond of that night; it had a special little place in Katya’s memories.

“Ugh, what happened!” Katya said, out loud to himself. After the sex, the rest of the night was just… a blur. He remembered cuddling, because Violet was a whimpering mess after and Katya couldn’t help but curl up around her, letting her be the little spoon like she always insisted. He had stayed the entire night, Katya remembered, and then… what happened? He was having trouble remembering the next morning. Was that the day he had flown to England for another tour? Katya thought for a while, and settled that it was. He remembered it now, all he did was wake up, kiss Violet goodbye, and leave. Nothing weird happened at all. Was there something he said?

“I gotta go soon, Vi. I’m heading to the airport.”

“Shame. We’re so comfy.”

“Sorry, kid. I’ll see ya… when I see ya. I think maybe we’re both in Portland at the same time? I don’t know. Text me.”

“Okay.” They kissed quickly, and then Katya got out of bed. Shrugging on his clothes he made his way to the door.

“Wait, bitch, you forgot your phone!” Katya turned around and walked back over to the bed, retrieving his phone from Violet’s hands.

“Thanks.” He kissed her again. He had meant it to be a little goodbye peck on the lips, but Violet grabbed his head with both of her hands and held him tightly against her. She opened her mouth and stuck her tongue into his. After what seemed like forever, Katya finally pulled back, breathless and slightly puzzled, but happy nonetheless. “That was… really nice. See ya in a few weeks. Or whenever.” He walked out the door and into the hotel hallway, but not before stopping in the doorway and calling over his shoulder, “Прощай.” Goodbye.

Katya sat up in bed. He had done nothing wrong at all. It wasn’t fair for Violet to be treating him like this. He had thought he would be able to handle it, but now he was becoming more and more angry by the second. Furthermore, he knew he wouldn’t even be able to sleep tonight with all of this on his mind. Katya shrugged off his blankets and stood, putting on whatever clothes he could find first. He walked out to the balcony of the room and lit a cigarette, and then called an Uber.

———————-

Katya arrived at Violet’s apartment. Getting out of the Uber, he checked the time on his phone. 2:37 am. Violet was probably sleeping by now, he thought, but he decided to try his luck. He walked up the steps and into her building, and then stood outside her door, thinking. He decided he would text her.

Katya: You awake?

He watched the message go from delivered to “Read at 2:38 am.” He waited for the three dots to appear, which would mean she was typing a response, but nothing changed. This pissed him off, but he was used to it. Violet had a habit of not responding to his messages, a habit that had coincidentally began right after Boston. Katya decided to try again.

Katya: Violet

Katya: Violet

Katya: Violet

Katya: I know you’re awake

Katya: Answer me

He saw each one was read immediately. She must be sitting there, staring at her phone. “You’re a little bitch, you know that?” Katya said out loud, although there was no one around to hear him, of course.

Katya: I’m outside

Katya: Open the door

He saw the three little dots finally appear. After a few seconds,

Violet: im asleep

Katya almost screamed. Violet could be so frustrating sometimes.

Katya: I’m not leaving until you let me in

Katya: I’m staying out here all night if I have to

Katya sighed and sunk down to sit on the ground, leaning his back against the wall next to Violet’s door. Have it your way, Violet, he thought. He would sit out there all night and wait until she had to leave her apartment the next morning. He realized this was crazy, but he didn’t care. He decided to send her one last text.

Katya: The carpet in your hallway is pretty comfortable anyways

He rested his head on the wall and closed his eyes. Katya wanted to sleep, but he wanted answers from Violet more. Still, he slowly started to nod off, until a creaking noise woke him up. His eyes shot open and he turned his head towards the source of the noise, which happened to be Violet’s door. She had poked her head out and he found himself making direct eye contact with her from the floor where he sat. Her long hair was in her face, and it hung down to her bare shoulders. She looked exactly the same as she did when he left her, only hours ago.

The two sustained eye contact for a few seconds, until Katya began to stand up. Violet quickly turned on her heels and walked back into her apartment and out of sight, although she left the door wide open. Katya took this as an invitation in.