#bbypls

Perfect example being I tend to shy away when I feel like a burden and he’s been battling that rather than letting me stay shy.

He goes to a gas station and now just; grabs me a drink. Sometimes he asks if I want it other times he just surprises me with one; and sometimes he asks if I want food and what I want— and even if I fall into feeling like a burden and tell him to forget it— he makes an attempt to come home with it and hold me till I feel better.

I can never ever say I don’t see his growth as he’s gone from someone who doesn’t do anything like this— to someone who’s been doing it so naturally without having to be told or asked.

I really appreciate his love and support— especially now when I need it the most; and he’s been trying his damndest to be here for me rain or shine.

It doesn’t feel real.

All this stress and my head is like nah he’s gonna call tomorrow.

And then the tears start and I know that’s not true; I know I’ll never hear from him again.

My body feels like it’s shutting down finally; it’s finally wanting to sleep the pain off.

I have bursts of happiness and they’re quickly filled with anxiety.

I’m anxious to leave my fiancé alone for a month.

I’m anxious I’ll come home and be hurt again.

I’m anxious about nothing happening at all after worrying this whole time something is going to.

I’m anxious about finding my mom a place to live, anxious about our apartment issue.

But then things like yesterday happen,

My fiancé voiced he wanted me around— he brought home an appetizer, some dessert and some dinner and he was fully intending to make it for me even though he had a longer shift at work today, something about that made my body jolt up ready to help because something so small meant so much.

It means a lot to me that he’s being by my side as hard as he is— maybe it’s because he too is scared about me being gone; we haven’t been apart in years and the one time we had been apart was because he almost lost me.

I know Christmas is gonna suck without me for him and I’ll do my best to make it up I’m so happy to hear he made birthday plans for his brother I’m glad that despite everything being so stressful he remembered we promised him a birthday.

I’m thankful he’s being so understanding and even more thankful that he’s being so honest and loving lately. It’s meant a lot seeing him crawl into bed the minute he’s home and voice he needs snuggles and so do I.

It means even more that when he gently woke me last night I fell right back to sleep in his arms, and woke up this morning in a cocoon of blankets he tucked me into— it makes me feel safe, he even left the windows open knowing I prefer the cold.

It means a lot to me that he’s being so attentive and I’ll miss this attention once I’m home; I’m sure he’ll dial down when I’m back because he has me comfortably home again— but I’m enjoying the extra love for now. He’s been my rock and I’m really thankful.

Sometimes— William moans a certain way in his sleep; and the urge to pounce him kicks in.

Why sleepy mind; why you do this to yourself

Sometimes he sounds like he’s sawing logs— sometimes he sounds scary— sometimes he moans and you’re like whatcha thinking about lemme make that worse.

He just— be waking up outta sleep; to talk to me in Japanese in this deep raspy voice he knows I love him doing—

I spend so many hours a day being like don’t do that voice if u know what’s good for you and he’s always >:3c imadoit—

AND THEN GO BACK TO SLEEP

AND HIS BACK HURTS SO IM NOT GONNA ASK HIM TO PLAY THE FIELD WITH ME— I AINT TRYNA BE LIKE HEY MAYBE UHHH TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WAKENESS UR CAUSING TO ME.

BUT HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO REV THE ENGINE AND GO BACK TO SLEEP

HE TESTS MY KINDNESS HE DOES.

HE KNOW HE DO.

HE HAD A GRIN ON HIS FACE —

‘Oyasumi— darling’ HE KNOW WHAT HE DOIN— HE DOES I SWEAR HE DOES