#bbobpul

‘Because you’re my friend’ was his only reason when you confronted him once. You still vaguely remember that one time when you asked him why he only calls when he is not feeling anyone else but you. It’s your fault for answering every time, and as foolish as it can get, you let him come to you all the excruciating time he calls, be it in the middle of a scorching day or the cold of the night. You open your doors for him. All. The. Time.

’’I really don’t understand how you could be that stupid, y/n.’’ wasn’t something new your best friend, Seokmin, has said to you. In fact, you have heard that from him many times already. Since the day you told him about your Mingyu situation, every time you tell him anything about the latter, he blabbers so much about how disappointed he is, like an Asian mom.

’’He is my friend too, Dee.’’ you retorted

’’And the sky is green! My point is, didn’t he disappear from your life for weeks, and now he is back again because, what, he misses you? '' Seokmin dropped his utensils to firmly prove his point with his hands. ’’The strongest connection you both have is being friends on Facebook; it’s ridiculous.’’

’’Dee..’’ you trailed off, feeling both embarrassment and frustration. You couldn’t say anything else to him.

’’I just want the best for you, dude. So don’t be so stupid, maybe.’’

Back in freshman year, you and Seokmin clicked instantly, bonding over your shared interests like it was destiny. Now, as seniors, reminiscing about those early days fills you with nostalgia, realizing how swiftly the years have passed. Amidst the whirlwind of college life, the Mingyu situation has remained a steadfast presence, echoing the familiarity of childhood memories. Mingyu's been there since forever, a fixture at every birthday party, Christmas gathering, and New Year's celebration, weaving into the fabric of your shared history.

You couldn’t wrap your head around what changed between the two of you. Maybe it’s the maturity and the years that went by in front of you. Despite knowing each other that long, you wouldn’t exactly call him a childhood friend because, although he was present at all of your events when you were younger, you didn’t really talk much until college came and he decided to make a fool out of you.

You felt your phone vibrate in your pocket and you knew instantly.

And suddenly you are in front of his doors waiting for him to open up.

It’s an exhausting cycle you are willing to keep up with because loving Mingyu means living your life in an apocalypse. What could you ever lose?

’’Hey, you came.’’ He said when he opened the door.

’’Well, you called.’’ You said once you set foot in his place you are very familiar with.

Along with the scent of his home, the very familiar feeling of hope and desperation came running back to you. Maybe, just maybe, he will realize and learn how to love you. Maybe he’ll finally choose you once he realizes, so you are taking your time.

You won’t ever mind. As long as he still thinks of you.

i find it hard to picture myself ever being as dedicated to something or someone again, just like how i dedicated my entire college life to na jaemin.

lately, i've been feeling like i forgot what it's like to actually have a dream. back then, na jaemin was my dream, he was my driving force. i would force myself to wake up so early in the morning just so i could see him (or his car) enter the gates of the university. i would go to school even though i am sick and feel a lot better when i get home because i saw na jaemin. but now two years after graduating, i still haven't found a decent job that i actually enjoy.

it's a common experience that many people go through, and i suppose i shouldn't complain about it. maybe i need to put in more effort and push myself harder. part of me wonders if having na jaemin back in my life would rekindle that same sense of dedication that i once had. but as i say these thoughts out loud, they sound absurd, even to myself. why would i wish for my first love to return just so i could find a decent job? why would i long for na jaemin to come back merely to feel that spark in my life again? it's puzzling why i'm even dwelling on thoughts of him and wondering if he holds the key to my happiness and success.

oh, to dream.

oh, for that old dedication to still burn within you.

if only you hadn't acted so dumb that day. could life have taken a different path? are you even happy now? if you hadn't let fear hold you back back then, if you'd actually been brave enough to listen and follow through, would you be happier today?

but no matter how much you keep bothering yourself with that memory, if people come up to you and ask if you feel bad about everything that happened that day, you'd say no. you don't feel bad at all.

deciding to let him go was one of the best things you did. he seemed happy when you left, and after that, you never heard anything about him. he's like a touchy subject in your group of friends, which can be tough sometimes since you share friends. but does it really matter now? him not being in your life probably means he's happier and more peaceful, right?

are you feeling peaceful? is being stuck in a 9-5 job that hardly brought you joy a happy situation? scratch that. did being in that job make you happy? clearly not, as you've just mustered the bravery to quit. and in doing so, you've never felt more joyful.

did you really make the right decision?

just as you were pondering your own question, your phone buzzed on the bedside table. you grabbed it and saw that the caller was renjun, your incredibly patient best friend.

"y/n," he said, his tone becoming unusually serious. "what's up?" you asked. "do you need money?" "yeah?" "here's the deal: our college is putting together a documentary film, and they've chosen your department. but guess what? your old classmates are bombarding me with messages because it looks like you're ignoring them all. frankly, i can't believe you even answered my call," he griped. "wait, hold on. what film? and why would they pick me? are they searching for someone with a post-college life so sad that it belongs in a documentary?" "well, you were practically a legend back in college, so… and apparently, the director specifically wants you, which leads to… well, another issue…" "what's the problem now?" "it's going to be directed by jaemin."

and just like that, you ended the call. but a few seconds later, renjun's call came in again.

"i'm not going to do it." "you stubborn brat." "why him?" "i have no idea!" "why is he even directing? wasn't he studying architecture or something?" "i don't know, y/n. i haven't heard a single thing about him since your graduation." "what do you mean?" "that's not important now, y/n. you're in need of money, right? seize the opportunity. do it for the cash." “so will you do it or will you do it?” “for the cash.”

...

"y/n, you've moved on, haven't you? what's done is done. i'm pretty sure jaemin has forgotten all about it. this chance is coming your way, so just accept it." "i guess i will."

you're drawn in by the idea of making some extra money and the possibility of catching the eye of potential agents or employers. right now, you're at a crossroads, thinking about how this documentary could be a stepping stone to more job opportunities down the line. this situation is different from what usually drives you – this time, it's not about others, it's about focusing on your own goals and aspirations.

you're deliberately avoiding dwelling on your past. just as renjun mentioned, you've moved beyond it. what's done is done. right now, your focus is firmly on the present and the potential that lies ahead in the future.

what's in the past is behind us, including whatever existed between jaemin and you.

from renjun

tomorrow at lunchtime, they'll be going over the schedules and discussing what to film. if you want, you can chat with the director now. his number is 0825 813 2000.

in response, you simply replied with a "okay."

the night before the lunch meeting, a jumble of emotions has you in its grip. the idea of reconnecting with jaemin, who used to be your best friend and is now someone distant, fills you with a sense of awkwardness. you tell yourself that this is about working together and the chance to grow professionally.

after taking a deep breath, you decide to shoot jaemin a text. your fingers hesitate as you type, and the uncertainty you're feeling seems to seep into your message. you finally press send, and your text reads, "hey, it's y/n. heard we're meeting tomorrow for the documentary. just wanted to check in before that."

in almost no time, your phone buzzes with a response: "hey y/n, good to hear from you. yeah, looking forward to our meeting. let's catch up and chat about the project."

the conversation is polite, but beneath the surface, there's an unspoken layer of complexity. you can feel the hesitation in your exchange, a silent recognition of the shared history that's now a distant memory. as you talk about the meeting and the documentary, the easy flow you once had is noticeably absent.

as the texts go back and forth, a sense of tension seems to hang in the air. it's as though the years of friendship you once had are casting a shadow over your conversation. the effortless connection you once shared now requires effort, and both of you can sense the change.

as the conversation wraps up with a simple "see you tomorrow," you're left with a mix of excitement and anxiety. the idea of seeing jaemin again, especially in a professional context, stirs up a range of emotions. this situation is a stark reminder of just how much things have changed – and maybe how some things can't go back to the way they were.

you believed the conversation had concluded, only for your phone to ring once more, bearing yet another message from him. as you read the words on the screen, "i missed you, y/n," a rush of emotions floods over you.

"what's going on with him?" you mutter to yourself, your eyebrows knitting together in confusion. your gaze remains fixed on the message for a moment, your attention drawn to the three blinking dots in the corner – a sign that he's in the process of typing a response. several more seconds tick by, the dots eventually vanishing, and in response, you shut your phone off. you make an attempt to settle into bed and get some rest, but truth be told, it's hard to claim you managed to sleep soundly that night. an undercurrent of thoughts and emotions keeps your mind restless.

the day of lunch lunch finally arrived. you sat across from jaemin, his words forming a distant hum as your thoughts remained clouded and preoccupied. the lingering impact of his recent message kept you in a state of unease, making it difficult to fully engage in the conversation he was leading.

then, something inside you snapped, and you found yourself abruptly interrupting him with a question that had been gnawing at you, "why me?"

he looked at you, his gaze steady, and his response was quick, "why not you?"

your frustration simmered as his words hit you. he was choosing to be cryptic, and it was only adding to your confusion. pushing past your exasperation, you pressed on, "listen, i know we didn't part on the best terms, but why come back now and act like everything's fine? i mean, sure, it's better than hostility, but why choose me? i'm the one who's no longer part of your life."

his expression remained neutral, void of any emotions as he replied, "that's not true."

you raised an eyebrow, challenging him to elaborate. "what's not true?"

"that you have nothing to do with my life, y/n," he stated firmly.

the weight of his words settled heavily between you two, the gravity of the situation growing more apparent. the lunch table had transformed into an arena for confronting unresolved issues.

you scoffed, unable to hold back your disbelief. "jaemin, i made one mistake, and now you're trying to imply that my actions shaped your entire life?"

his eyes held yours, unwavering. "y/n, it's not just about that one mistake. everything that followed, everything that shaped who i am today… it's all connected to you."

your mind reeled, trying to grasp the enormity of what he was suggesting. the complexities of your shared history seemed to crash over you, leaving you grappling with a whirlwind of emotions and a tangled web of unspoken feelings.

the weight of his words left you momentarily speechless, and in an attempt to shift away from the intensity, you sought to change the subject. "where are the other producers? why is it just you here?"

"y/n…" he began, his tone suggesting he wanted to continue the previous conversation.

however, you opted to sidestep the discussion entirely. you pretended as if the profound exchange hadn't just occurred. "i notice you're taking on the role of a director now. quite the career shift, huh?" you inquired, masking your internal turmoil with a casual demeanor. you acted as if there hadn't been a two-year gap in your connection, as though things between you were perfectly ordinary.

he met your gaze, a faint hint of something unreadable in his eyes. "i pursued another dream when i felt i'd lost the chance for my first one."

"your first dream… not architecture, then?" you prodded, curious about the direction he had taken.

he shook his head, a soft chuckle escaping him, leaving you puzzled yet again. "no, not architecture. well, i suppose that just wasn't meant for me back then, but maybe it is now."

the cryptic nature of his response only added to the layers of confusion and intrigue that surrounded him. there was something about the way he spoke that hinted at deeper currents beneath the surface, emotions and experiences that he hadn't fully revealed. you found yourself torn between the desire to push for answers and the instinct to allow him his privacy. the lunch meeting had transformed into a stage for untangling not just the complexities of the documentary but also the intricate web of emotions and history between you and jaemin.

leaving the restaurant, a whirlwind of unanswered questions dances in your mind. yet, for now, you choose to tuck those thoughts away, focusing instead on the looming filming date just a few days away – next saturday.

in the span of time between that lunch and the upcoming shoot, jaemin proves consistent in his attempts to bridge the gap between you two. he regularly reaches out, updating you about his day and proposing get-togethers, which you consistently decline.

the days pass, marked by a series of messages and missed opportunities. despite the undeniable tension, there's an undeniable persistence on jaemin's part, a determined effort to reconnect and reestablish a sense of familiarity. however, your apprehensions and the memories of your past dynamics hold you back, keeping you from embracing his overtures.

as the countdown to the filming day continues, you find yourself in a delicate dance – balancing the unresolved history between you and the prospects of the future. the lines between your personal and professional lives are blurred, and the documentary project becomes a backdrop against which the intricacies of your relationship with jaemin play out.

you find yourself constantly pondering what his intentions could be. his actions leave you wondering, and you can't help but question what he's aiming for. in your perspective, you're merely a negative aspect of his life – a streak of misfortune. you would have expected him to have learned from the past, but his determination remains unshakeable.

as you contemplate these thoughts, your phone lights up once more, bearing yet another message from him. his name on the screen triggers a whirlwind of emotions – a mixture of uncertainty, annoyance, and a hint of curiosity. opening the message, you brace yourself for whatever he might convey this time. the consistency in his attempts at communication only serves to deepen the intricate web of emotions you hold for him, leaving you caught between your shared history and the unpredictability of the present.

"the offer's still there, y/n. :)" "jaemin, let's be real. just because i'm on board with your documentary idea doesn't mean we're suddenly best buds again. a lot has changed." "i want to reconnect, though." "actually, scratch that. i want to get to know you all over again." "jaemin, i appreciate the effort, but let's keep things professional, okay?" “i’m sorry, y/n. goodnight.”

after your straightforward message, his responses ceased. a silence settled in, stretching on until saturday – the day you were set to see him again. the anticipation and uncertainty had been building, and now the moment was finally at hand.

you stepped into the studio and immediately noticed that you and jaemin were the only ones present. your confusion must have been evident on your face, prompting him to address the situation promptly.

"um, the team thought having fewer people in the room would create a more personal atmosphere," he began, his voice carrying a hint of unease. "and, well, they decided to keep me here, you know, being the director and all, and also because we have a history…"

his words trailed off, and there was a subtle vulnerability in his tone. it was as if he was acknowledging the intricacies of your past connection, while simultaneously recognizing the complexities it introduced into your current dynamic. the studio, usually a place of creativity and collaboration, had transformed into a space laden with the weight of your shared history.

"it's okay," you responded, your words carrying a touch of reassurance. as your reply registered, a faint smile tugged at the corners of his lips – a detail you couldn't help but notice. after all, it was that very smile that had ignited four years of your life, a smile that held memories and emotions you had both shared.

"um, i'll just ask you a few questions, and then you're free to go," he stated, his voice carrying a hint of nervousness that didn't escape your notice. this new facet of his demeanor felt unfamiliar to you, a departure from the confident jaemin you had known.

you found yourself disliking this uneasiness, and a thought occurred to you – maybe it was time to rekindle something within him. as he began asking you questions, you decided to respond in a way that would evoke a certain familiarity between you two. it was a subtle attempt to bridge the gap, to draw out the person you once knew.

you had believed that his silence was what you wanted. you had convinced yourself that distancing yourself from him would protect you from the past mistakes. but now, facing the reality of the situation, you realized that perhaps a certain selfishness was ingrained within you. maybe, just maybe, you yearned to erase the distance, to defy your own rationalizations.

in this moment, you found yourself yearning to rekindle what had been lost, to bring back a connection that once meant so much. the conflicting emotions within you painted a complex picture of your desires – a battle between self-preservation and the longing for something more.

however, as you locked eyes with him and saw the lack of any discernible emotion in his gaze, a haunting wave of fear resurfaced within you. in that moment, it was as if time rewound, taking you back to the day of your graduation when your heart and spirit had felt shattered. the memory of that painful experience rushed back, accompanied by the doubts and uncertainties that had plagued you.

if you were to truly confront your own feelings, you'd admit that what you witnessed that night had left you questioning your own worth. the events had stirred up doubts about whether you had ever been deserving of taking risks for, whether you had ever been someone worth fighting for.

"hey, good morning, y/n."

"morning, director."

"how's today treating you?"

"pretty good, thanks."

"hmm, and what's life been like after college?"

"…"

"take your time."

"at first, i felt okay. my friends were all getting closer to their dreams, and i was genuinely happy for them. especially…"

"especially who?"

"especially the person i left behind."

"…"

"i was content being happy for someone else. then another year went by, and i wasn't feeling so great anymore."

"do you really think they're happy?"

"hmm?"

"the person you left behind."

"yeah. and my other friends seem happy too. they've got jobs they love, they're with people they care about, and i only had… renjun *laughs* … but sometimes, i can't help but feel like i'm the one who got left behind, you know? even though i was the one who walked away."

"let's talk about your person."

"oh *laughs* he's not my person."

pausing for a moment, you glanced at jaemin behind the camera. the question lingered in your mind: what was he trying to do? his actions and intentions remained a puzzle.

his expression grew serious, his gaze fixed intently on you. it was as if he had something to convey, something he was holding back.

"the last time i actually saw him was in an instagram post. he was with some girl. it happened on my graduation day. i waited the whole day, hoping he'd appear in the midst of the crowd. when he didn't, i held onto the possibility of seeing him by the gates. but that didn't happen either. my last hope was maybe he'd send me a single message, but by the end of the day, nothing came. then i went on instagram and saw a photo – a warning, i guess. a warning that i should just stop hoping. that… happened a few weeks later, i think. or maybe it was just a few days after our argument, the one where he told me he couldn't love… yeah."

you met his gaze and once again, his face was serious. his eyes were furrowed and his mouth was slightly open. a few moments passed, and he let out a shaky breath. screw it, you thought, it's out there now and i don't care anymore.

your silent exchange was interrupted as he shifted the camera away. confusion clouded your thoughts as you watched him move. he turned back to you, his expression still serious, and then he grabbed a chair from the nearby table. he sat down with his back facing you.

the room felt charged with unspoken emotions, leaving you to question his intentions and actions. it was as if he was peeling away layers, searching for something beneath the surface.

"did you know that…" he began, his voice breaking the silence. "she was his sister?"

"i never told you about her, that's on me," he admitted with a chuckle. "that was her last day, y/n. so i decided to spend the entire day with her. i'm sorry."

you were taken aback. "i'm sorry–"

"it's okay, y/n."

"i know i left you with so many questions that night, but let me tell you… every effort you made, every cookie you baked, i cherished all of it. i loved you. i'm sorry if my actions made you doubt yourself."

another pause filled the air.

"i left when you left."

"you were my dream. architecture wasn't really my passion, you know? i was struggling a lot, but luckily, you were there with me. i decided to chase after what i truly loved when you left, because i realized if i wanted you back in my life, it should be when i'm at my best, right? i wasn't lying when i said i couldn't love. i didn't want to love you when i was broken. i wanted to be the best version of myself for you. i thought that if i wanted you to be with the best person, then that should be me. so i became that person, a director, and then i planned all of this." his eyes finally met yours.

"i was always looking at you."

tears welled up in your eyes, and he seemed to notice. he took a step towards you and enveloped you in his arms.

"i'm sorry for not holding onto you back then, baby. but i promise, i won't let go of you now," he whispered.

"i'm sorry for leaving, jaemin," you sobbed.

"shh, you did what you thought was right."

"do you want to have lunch with me now?" he asked.

i know you will never read this but it's been thirteen days since we last spoke, and thirteen days since i last cried for you. thirteen days may seem like a long time for me considering that it's been two months since we ended everything, but the pain is still here, lingering like your scent that i loved so much.

whenever i feel the pain, i remind myself that i truly did love you. i can't help but wonder if you're hurting too. do you count the days you spend without me? do you cry over us?

i wouldn't wish pain on you, but i wish you would give yourself time to grieve for what we had and what we could have been. i wish you would act as if letting go of us wasn't the best decision you ever made. i wish you wouldn't treat what we had as a mere childish first love, a high school cliché that you'll forget about in five years.

but there are also times when i wish you would forget everything. when i wish that when you see me again, you won't be reminded of the reasons why you let me go. so you'll stay.

but other than that, i can only wish you well.

and thank you for the last 3 years. they have been the best years of my life, all because of you. you have been my shoulder to cry on, the one who brings me coffee every morning, the one who completes my entire day, and my lover. but most importantly, you have been my best friend.

i am so sorry if I have ever tired you out.

i used to be so sure of everything but now i only believe in one thing,

in this life full of uncertainty, there was you..

and for a while, that was everything. for a while, it was enough.

choi seungcheol, i won't wish for you to learn how to love me again. but i wish you will learn how to love again, even if it's not me. i hope you will love for yourself.

i know that soon i will stop wishing for you to come back. i will stop wishing for the tide to change.

but until then, cheol, i can only wish you love.

sincerely,

your first love

ps. i can't rush healing, but i know that one day i will wake up and you will no longer be the first thing on my mind. you will no longer be a part of my plans and i know that one day, i will wish a different wish.

you stand backstage watching the audience as the shattered glasses, muffled talk, and distant hum of conversation all come together to create a cacophonous melody. as you watch, crowds of people gather in front of the dimly lit stage, the spotlight shining a tantalizing glow on the artists who have graced it with their presence throughout the course of the night.

a close friend had approached you a few nights before asking for help. they scheduled a friday night concert at your town's beloved local bar, and they needed a last-minute performer. not only did the owner of the pub offer you a huge payout, but you also pledged to help out a friend in need.

your heart was racing with a mix of excitement and dread as you found yourself pacing back and forth behind the heavy drapes as the hours went by. being in front of a large audience is thrilling yet nerve-wracking at the same time because you've always felt more at ease in smaller and more intimate settings.

there is an electrifying feeling in the pub, even though you are trying to hide from the audience's probing eyes. vibrations of laughter and cheers fill the room, interspersed with the inevitable accident when bottles of beer shatter on the polished wooden floor. its peculiar scent blend—which perfectly captures the ambiance of this local hangout—combines the rich scent of pub food with the lingering smell of booze.

the faint echoes of the preceding act's music can be heard backstage; each chord has a unique magnitude that has fired up everyone in attendance. there's an indescribable feeling of adrenaline in the air, and as you take a deep breath and get ready to step onto the stage for the night's final act, you know that this will be an unforgettable event no matter how it turns out.

you were placed back in reality when the event organizer tapped your shoulder and whispered, “you’re up next.”

you nodded your head as a response and gripped the strap of your guitar before taking a deep breath. affirmations ran through your head as you walked to the middle of the stage. you sat on the stool, placed your guitar comfortably on your lap, and began to play the first few strokes of the strings that caused the audience to scream and cheer for you.

it was overwhelming for you, to say the least. it’s your first time performing infront of a huge crowd. normally, it would just be you playing at a relative's birthday or some stranger’s funeral but never at a place like this. it was electrifying.

your eyes were trying their hardest to find a familiar face in the room, watching and listening to you as you sung the lyrics of the song you had chosen to perform, but you failed yourself when you realized they were all strangers. it wasn't an issue for you. rather, your gaze fell on this one person, and you began observing him without realizing it. he's not paying attention very closely. unlike other people in the audience, he didn't seem as drawn to the performance on stage; instead, it seemed as like he was living in his own bubble with your voice playing in the background. he was, instead, doodling something on a piece of brown tissue paper.

he held your interest. except for him, everyone else was staring at you. he was enjoying his own time as if he was the only one in the room. of course, you don't think that everyone would be watching you, but there was something about him that made you look at him after each verse and bridge you sang that evening.

you thanked them and said you wanted to see them again another evening as you concluded the three songs you had prepared. when you turned to face his table again, you noticed that the man had already left and that it was vacant and spotless. not a glimpse of the tissue paper he had been sketching on before. as soon as you got off the stool and went back behind the stage, people began to make their way towards the exit as well.

"you did so well!" your friend, seokmin, said, beaming with admiration, as you slung your guitar bag over your shoulder. you glared at him and playfully smacked his arm.

"i was looking for you earlier!" you replied, knitting your eyebrows and pouting when he laughed at your mock anger.

"i was watching you backstage!" he defended himself, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"you know, i was fuming earlier since you were the one who invited me here, and yet you weren't even in the audience," you said, a touch of mock annoyance in your voice.

"okay, don't be mad now. you'll get wrinkles. calm your brows," seokmin teased, his laughter filling the air as you both shared a lighthearted moment after your performance.

"oh, by the way! the owner said he'll send the money directly to your account. he also mentioned giving you a bonus if you come here again next friday. what do you say?" seokmin asked, a hopeful glimmer in his eyes as he looked at you, eagerly awaiting your response.

"sure, why not? i'm free next friday," you replied with a smile, feeling a sense of excitement at the prospect of performing again.

"that's good to hear!" seokmin said, his enthusiasm matching yours.

"you better be in the audience next friday. i was dead nervous earlier," you teased seokmin, trying to hide the lingering nerves from your voice with a playful tone.

"yeah, yeah! you should head home now, hun. there won't be any cabs around past 2 am. i still need to close up the bar, so you should head home first," seokmin urged, showing concern for your safety and well-being after a successful but late-night performance.

you bid your goodbyes to seokmin and stepped outside the bar, the cool night air offering a refreshing contrast to the vibrant energy you had just left behind.

as you stood at the side of the road, it felt as if you could still hear the echoes of the cheers and applause from your earlier performance. your heart continued to race, and the thrill of the moment lingered in the cool night air. you inhaled deeply, the cold breeze providing a soothing contrast to the excitement that still pulsed within you, as you waited for a taxi to pass by and take you home.

the pub was situated in a quiet, almost desolate alley, likely to minimize disturbances to the other residents in the area. unfortunately, this meant that very few vehicles frequented the road, especially at the late hour of 2:30 am. as you stood there, you realized that hailing a taxi might take longer than you had initially thought, adding an extra layer of challenge to your journey home.

you let out a sigh and began to reflect, realizing that this night wasn't as flawless as you had initially imagined it to be. however, there was no pressing need to hurry back home, for your house was a solitary sanctuary. there was no one waiting for you there, as you lived alone, except for the friendly stray cat that you often found nestled beside your bedroom window.

you were startled out of your thoughts as a strong, blinding light suddenly illuminated the alley. blinking away the temporary blindness, you turned to see a sleek, black hellcat redeye not too far from where you stood. the car began to roll slowly in your direction, and the driver honked the horn when it came to a stop in front of you. crouching slightly to look through the window, you were taken aback to see the same guy you had noticed sketching earlier in the evening. the unexpected encounter added another surreal layer to an already eventful night.

"need a ride?" he asked, his words careful and gentle, as if he were making an effort not to come across as too forward or strange. his concern was evident in his tone.

"yeah," you replied, your voice slightly shaky from the chill of the night. "obviously," you added under your breath, feeling the cold seep into your bones, grateful for the unexpected but timely offer of a ride.

“get in, —.” he said, using your stage name to address you with a gentle smile, a touch of familiarity in his demeanor.

"thank you," you said, the gratitude evident in your voice as you fastened your seatbelt.

he hummed in response, starting the car and preparing to drive.

"where to?" he asked, his eyes briefly meeting yours in the rearview mirror.

"oh, 17 apartment complex. it's pretty far from here. i'm sorry," you explained, feeling a twinge of guilt for the inconvenience.

"no, it's totally okay with me. i don't live very far from your building anyways," he reassured you, his tone warm and accommodating. you settled back in your seat, grateful for his understanding and the unexpected company on your way home.

the first few minutes of the ride were filled with a certain awkwardness. he kept himself occupied by humming along to the tune playing on the local radio, his eyes occasionally darting to the road ahead.

“what’s your name?” he asked, breaking the awkward silence.

“i’m —, you?”

“minghao. how old are you, —?”

“i’m 25.”

"oh, i'm a year older than you then," he replied with a friendly smile, a subtle connection forming as you exchanged this small piece of personal information.

the exchange of personal information had a surprising effect, gradually melting the initial awkwardness in the car. minghao's sense of humor emerged, and he started cracking jokes throughout the long drive home. you found yourself enjoying the banter, though you had to remind him to keep his eyes on the road a few times. the conversation flowed so naturally that it almost felt like you had known each other for ages.

curiosity about why he hadn't seemed attentive during your performance earlier crossed your mind, but in the warmth of the moment, with him right beside you on the drive home, the question seemed less pressing. you were content to let the night unfold at its own pace, and you appreciated the newfound camaraderie that had unexpectedly come into your life.

"thanks again!" you said with a warm smile on your face as you stepped out of minghao's car.

"see you again some other time. go inside now. it's cold," he advised, a caring tone in his voice. you nodded in agreement, appreciating his thoughtfulness.

you entered the building and turned back to look once the automatic glass door of the building closed shut. minghao's car was just starting to pull away, disappearing into the night, leaving you with a sense of gratitude for the serendipitous encounter and a newfound friendship that had brightened your evening in the most unexpected way.

your friday evenings fell into a comfortable rhythm, with your performances at the local pub becoming a regular highlight of the week. minghao continued to be a dedicated audience member, offering you a ride home after each show. eventually, your interactions extended beyond the confines of the friday routine, as you both decided to spend time together on days when your schedules allowed. the bond between you grew stronger, fueled by shared laughter, genuine conversations, and a growing sense of companionship that transcended the confines of the local bar and the friday night performances.

over time, you discovered that minghao was not just an art enthusiast but an accomplished artist in his own right. his talents and dedication to his craft impressed you, and it came as a delightful surprise when he confided that he had an upcoming opportunity to showcase his artwork in a renowned gallery in paris next week.

tonight is just another amazing evening for you, and that sentence carries an entirely different meaning now. a few nights ago, you had entered this local pub with a mix of nervousness and the overwhelming sensation of performing in front of a large crowd, all motivated by the prospect of earning some extra money. however, as the weeks turned into months, you found that you had come to love your evenings at the pub.

the owner, recognizing the growing popularity of the pub's live music, had extended the concert nights to include mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. it was no longer just your fridays, but the entire week had become a delightful series of performances and moments of connection with an audience that had grown to appreciate and support your music.

you had grown to relish the thrill of performing in front of an audience, and the peace and fun that followed each of your shows had become something you eagerly anticipated. what once felt like a daunting task had evolved into a cherished part of your life, a testament to the transformative power of shared experiences and the connections formed on those memorable friday nights.

"hey," seokmin's sudden whisper caught you off guard, interrupting your thoughts as you waited for your turn to perform on stage.

you turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow. "hey! what's wrong with you?" you asked, unable to contain a playful smirk as you lightly smacked his arm.

"i see you have your own personal driver now, huh?" he teased, earning a playful glare from you in return.

"i don't meddle in your romance with the owner of this pub, so mind your own business," you retorted, a hint of sass in your voice, which only made him laugh even more. the lighthearted banter with your friend helped ease the last-minute nerves as you prepared to take the stage once again.

"so... who is he?" seokmin persisted with his curiosity.

"he's just a friend of mine," you replied, a hint of defensiveness in your tone.

seokmin didn't back down. "i'm asking for his name, not who he is to you," he clarified, clearly interested in the details.

“name is minghao, he’s an artist.”

“minghao? he’s here right now?”

“about that, i don’t know if he could come today since he has a flight tomorrow. he needs his rest, you know?”

“flight to where?”

“paris, he has an event to attend.”

“big time. anyway, you need to get going. the previous act just left the stage.”

with seokmin's reminder, you took a deep breath and made your way to the center of the stage, ready to captivate the audience with your performance. as the spotlight shone upon you, you began to sing, the music filling the air, and the crowd's attention shifting to you, for another memorable evening at the local pub.

throughout your performance, you couldn't help but steal glances at the entrance of the pub, hoping to catch a glimpse of minghao walking in. however, as your performance concluded, he was still nowhere to be seen. 

you had already prepared yourself for the likelihood of his absence, but a part of your heart couldn't help but feel a tinge of disappointment. minghao had become a regular part of your friday routine, and his absence meant that you would be heading home alone, missing the comfort of his presence and the familiar company during the drive back.

you concluded your wednesday performance and bid your goodbye to the audience to your friend, seokmin.

as you stood at the side of the road, waiting for a cab that seemed highly unlikely to pass by, a sense of resignation began to settle in. the cold night air seemed to penetrate deeper as you waited patiently, hoping for some stroke of luck to bring a taxi your way.

just when it felt like your patience might wear thin, you couldn't believe your eyes when you saw the unmistakable sight of minghao's black hellcat redeye approaching. the vehicle came to a smooth stop in front of you, and you couldn't help but feel a sense of relief and gratitude wash over you. 

"i couldn't leave without driving you back home," minghao said with a reassuring smile as you approached the car window. the warmth in his words and the kindness in his eyes instantly put you at ease, and you eagerly hopped into the car, comforted by the knowledge that you wouldn't be braving the chilly night alone. the sense of disappointment that had weighed on you earlier began to dissipate, and you embarked on the drive back home with a grateful heart, appreciating the unexpected friendship that had brightened your life in countless ways.

the night air was crisp, and the streets were nearly deserted as you both continued your journey through the quiet city. minghao's dedication to ensuring you got home safely, despite the early hours and his impending flight, touched you deeply.

"you really shouldn't have. you have a flight to catch, and it's 3 am," you insisted once more, your concern growing for his well-being.

minghao, however, brushed off your worries. "are you kidding me? this is the least i could do for you. i won't be seeing you for a week," he responded with unwavering determination, his eyes briefly leaving the road to meet yours.

"you need to rest, hao," you continued, not wanting him to exhaust himself before his important journey.

"this is rest," he reassured you, turning to look at you once more, his eyes filled with warmth and understanding. the way he looked at you made your heart skip a beat, and you couldn't help but smile in return.

"eyes on the road," you playfully reminded him, ensuring he stayed focused on the task at hand. the bond you had formed over the past weeks was a source of great comfort to both of you, and the journey back home in the early hours of the morning, despite the upcoming separation, felt like a cherished moment of connection.

the dark, quiet streets rolled by as minghao drove you home, and the solitude of the night created a sense of intimacy between you two. his commitment to driving you back, even when he had an early flight to catch, was a testament to the depth of your friendship.

"don't you worry. after i drive you home, i will head straight to the airport and i will sleep there," minghao reiterated, his voice calm and reassuring.

you couldn't help but offer, "are you sure you don't want to have coffee at my house before you head to the airport?" concern for his well-being tugged at your heart, knowing that he was sacrificing his rest to ensure you got home safely.

minghao's smile was both gentle and resolute as he declined your offer. "no need," he replied, "you should sleep as soon as you get home. i'll be fine." his caring demeanor and genuine concern for your comfort and well-being resonated deeply with you, and you nodded in understanding.

"you are home," minghao said gently, drawing you out of your reverie as you continued to stare at him.

"huh?" you responded, momentarily confused.

"we are here," he clarified, gesturing toward your building.

"oh," you murmured, realizing your distraction, and looked to your right to see your familiar apartment building. "well, thank you for the ride, hao. and good luck in paris."

"thank you. good night," minghao replied with a warm smile before you closed the car door behind you.

just like any other evening, minghao didn't leave until he saw you inside the building. the familiar routine and his unwavering consideration were a comforting friend that you had come to rely on, and as you watched his car drive away, you felt a wave of gratitude for his presence in your life.

entering your unit, you felt far from tired. the drive with minghao had been a peaceful interlude in your life, much like any other evening you spent with him. the sense of comfort and contentment that his presence brought was a cherished part of your routine, a bright spot in your week that had transformed your evenings into moments of warmth, friendship, and music. you couldn't help but reflect on how, from a chance meeting at the local pub, a beautiful friendship had blossomed, filling your life with unexpected joy and connection.

the morning you woke up, it was an ordinary thursday. it began just like any other day, with your familiar routine of going on a peaceful walk, visiting your favorite bakery, and then returning to your apartment to spend the day in peaceful solitude. everything seemed as it usually was.

however, a subtle sense of unease crept in when you realized there was no "good morning" text from minghao. at first, you found it strange, but then it dawned on you that he had a flight today. he always turned his phone to airplane mode during flights, and that was why the expected message was missing. 

despite knowing the reason, a slight feeling of emptiness lingered, reminding you of the importance of this daily interaction with your friend. it was a small but significant absence, a reminder of how much minghao had become a part of your daily life, even when he was miles away.

as the hours passed by, you found yourself preoccupied with various activities, but a part of your mind remained fixated on the absence of minghao's messages. then, finally, you noticed his name appearing in your notifications. a wave of relief washed over you, accompanied by a sense of anticipation as you eagerly opened the message, hoping for some news or even a brief update about his journey.

the moment you saw minghao's name appear in your notifications, a surge of joy washed over you, and you couldn't help but express your elation. silently, you let out a muffled scream, as if you were a teenager who had just received a message from their crush. the feeling was overwhelming, and you found yourself rolling on your bed, a giddy smile on your face, relishing the simple yet profound joy of seeing his message.

it was as if the day had suddenly transformed from ordinary to extraordinary, all because of a few lines of text from minghao. the anticipation of hearing from him and the reassurance that he was safely on the other side of the flight were like a warm embrace, filling your heart with a sense of comfort and connection. it was moments like these that made you truly appreciate the friendship you shared and the special place minghao had carved out in your daily life.

“this is a scheduled text. if you received this, i have already landed in paris. i love you, take care.” the message read.

as you read the message from minghao, the words "i love you" leapt out, catching you off guard and leaving you momentarily stunned. the audacity of his heartfelt expression, conveyed through a scheduled text, brought forth a mix of emotions. there was a sense of disbelief at the timing and manner of his declaration, tinged with a hint of annoyance at his boldness to express such sentiments from afar.

yet, despite these conflicting emotions, a warm and giddy feeling enveloped you. his words had a way of transcending the distance between you, bridging the gap created by the physical miles. minghao's unexpected proclamation served as a reminder of the deep bond you shared, one that had blossomed from the simple moments and shared experiences, transforming into a connection that was as sincere as it was unexpected.

just as you were processing minghao's heartfelt message, your phone began to ring, and you were taken completely by surprise when you saw the caller's name – the owner of the pub. this unexpected call brought forth a rush of questions and curiosity, leaving you to wonder what could have prompted this sudden and surprising contact from your boss, joshua hong.

“seokmin said you are friends with minghao. you might want to come to yoon medical center.”

“what?”

the owner's cryptic words and the mention of minghao's name left you in a state of bewilderment. it was as if the ground had shifted beneath your feet, and you were struggling to comprehend the gravity of the situation. what had happened to minghao? why were you being summoned to the medical center? the flood of questions raced through your mind, each one more unsettling than the last.

as you rushed to the yoon medical center, the world seemed to blur around you. the streets and buildings became a mere backdrop to your racing thoughts, all focused on minghao's well-being. you couldn't help but replay your last moments with him in your mind, the excitement of his safe arrival in paris now overshadowed by the nagging uncertainty of his current condition. the bond you had shared with him had taken root in your heart, and the fear of losing it, even for a moment, was almost too much to bear.

when you arrived at the medical center, the reality of the situation hit you with full force. the bustling of medical personnel, the hushed conversations, and the sterile scent of the hospital environment all added to the growing sense of dread that clenched at your chest. you couldn't help but wonder what had transpired, and as you made your way through the unfamiliar corridors, the suspense and anxiety intensified, a heavy weight on your shoulders that seemed to grow with every step you took.

the owner of the pub, joshua, explained the grim situation after a few moments of somber silence. "he never made it to the airport," he began, his voice heavy with sorrow. "a drunk driver hit him on the road not too far from your apartment, and doctor yoon said he didn't make it alive at the hospital as there was too much bleeding."

the words hit you like a tidal wave, and your world seemed to shatter in an instant. the shock and disbelief washed over you, leaving you struggling to process the devastating news. minghao, your friend and confidant, who had brightened your evenings and shared in your daily routine, was gone, a victim of a tragic accident that had torn him away from your life.

tears welled up in your eyes, and the weight of grief settled on your heart. the bond you had shared with minghao had grown deeper and more meaningful with each passing day, and now, you were left grappling with the harsh reality of his sudden and untimely departure. the sense of loss was overwhelming, and you couldn't help but feel a profound emptiness in the absence of your friend and the simple yet cherished moments you had shared.

joshua's words resonated deeply, and he continued, "he was also my friend. when he found out about his trip to paris, he told me to give this to you a day before his flight so you'd have something to talk about."

in his hands, joshua held out a piece of brown tissue paper, and as you accepted it, you were met with a moving sight. it was the same brown tissue paper that minghao had been sketching on that evening. the image portrayed you, sitting on a stool in the middle of the stage, your guitar in hand, captured with intricate detail. it dawned on you that he had been watching you that very evening, his artistic portrayal a testament to the shared moments you had on that stage.

as you gazed at the drawing, a mixture of emotions washed over you. it was a beautiful and poignant memento that encapsulated minghao's presence in your life. 

the world became a blur that thursday. joshua insisted on driving you home, a gesture of comfort and support, which you declined. you felt the need to be alone, to process the shock and grief in solitude.

he also suggested that you didn't have to perform on friday, understanding the emotional toll of the recent events. however, you firmly declined that offer as well. performing at the local pub on friday was not just about money; it was your connection to minghao, a way to honor his memory, and a source of solace in your time of loss. it was your lifeline, and you couldn't bear the thought of letting it go, even in the face of such profound sadness.

the days ahead held uncertainty, but the routine of the pub, the music, and the memories of your time with minghao were the anchors that would help you navigate the turbulent seas of grief.

joshua and seokmin stood by your side, offering their support and presence as you navigated the difficult hours following the heart-wrenching news about minghao. their unwavering companionship served as a source of comfort during a time of profound grief.

the following evening, you found yourself back at the local pub, a place where all your cherished memories of minghao had gathered. the stage, the familiar audience, and the music had always been your sanctuary, and it was there that you sought solace and a way to honor your friend's memory.

stepping into the center of the stage, you began to sing, your voice laced with emotions that ran deep. the lyrics spoke of your sorrow, and you poured your heart into the song. the audience may not have been aware of the tragedy you were enduring, but there was an unusual silence that enveloped the room, as if they could sense the heaviness in your voice.

“i’m singing at a funeral tomorrow..

for a kid a year older than me.”

as you continued to sing, the weight of your emotions became almost unbearable. you felt a disconnection from the world, a profound sense of loss that threatened to consume you.

“jesus christ, i’m so blue all the time

and that’s just how i feel

always have and always will

always have and always will.”

grateful for the concealing embrace of the heavy red curtains, you completed the song, your spirit broken but your determination to carry on as strong as ever. the local pub had always been a place that carries peace, but now it cradles your insurmountable grief, maybe it's a good thing that you decided to perform this friday because on this night, it served as a poignant tribute to a friend whose memory would forever echo in the music and the moments you shared.

before all else, i have always known that i would be writing this email, ever since we first became friends. i have always known that someday i will go back to my laptop and type another one of these messages that no one's going to read. so far, this is the third time.

the last time i wrote an email that a person will never receive was almost 3 years ago, and before i begin with expressing my gratitude, i will just say that i hate you for taking that path (for now), but thank you so much for leaving.

thank you so much for leaving my life, joshua hong.

thank you for stopping me from questioning whether there is more to us than friendship. you can't and will never be able to answer that, and neither will i.

i don't think i'm ready. i don't think i ever will. i am scared to write another email. hell, i am scared right now as i am writing this. for no reason at all.

joshua, i am so proud of you for taking another step in your career.

i am so proud of you for not letting me or anyone hold you back.

i am proud of you for not falling in love with me.

i am proud of you, and i am so thankful that you gave me a friendship that brought my hopes and dreams back to life.

joshua, you taught me how to dream again, as if i had never known how before, and for a while i thought we were going to dream together.

then i realized that i was just a part of your journey. i was your mere comfort zone amidst the chaos of your limelight. i was your blanket that comforted you despite the worry and doubts that constantly ran through your mind.

it's impossible for us to dream together when you have a different dream.

but if the time comes and you decide to dream another dream with me,

i hope i am not so scared anymore.

i hope i will not just recognize the risk but actually acknowledge it.

i hope that one day i will not just gaze at the risk from afar and actually take it.

because for me, you are the risk that i would willingly take.

until then, hong, i hope you are happy.

sincerely,

your best friend

TAGLIST. @matchahyuck @minhui896

i'm not going to spoil your success with my sentimental ramblings, but congratulations. and of course, thank you.

our friendship blossomed in the most unexpected of ways, just like my decision to open my own studio for extra cash. i guess you could say we both needed a refuge, a sanctuary for a while at least.

you were seeking a haven for your musical pursuits, while i was on a quest to find my own place in this world. i was tired of working for others and craved the freedom of building my own source of income, without the shackles of neglecting my own needs.

when you first walked into the studio, exuding an air of professionalism, i never imagined that we would become friends. but we did.

and i'm so grateful for it.

you are as incredible as the music you create. your wisdom pervades the lyrics you compose. your love is evident just a few seconds into the tune you create. your enthusiasm is apparent in the expression in your eyes as you concentrate on finding the perfect tone for your beautiful composition. you write for the people around you as well as for yourself. you write about the smallest things about someone you care about, and you sample their laughs, which always make you smile. you create a masterpiece out of the most basic subject matter that revolves around you.

i understand why you would leave the studio in search of a better, larger space to pursue your passion. this studio should not be the reason for your career failing to blossom, which i know is impossible because your brilliance transcends all boundaries.

you make me proud, pd woo. my outstanding friend.

thank you for choosing my place as your starting point for your wonderful producer career. i hope the studio we shared offered you enough inspiration to keep doing what you love, and i would love to hear about it in the radio sometime in the future.

sincerely,

your landlord, a friend

TAGLIST. @matchahyuck @minhui896 @hongmingoo @strawberryshortcakes-blog @lleercy @wonwooz1 @mhlsymlysn

after my trip to switzerland, the months spurred through, rendering me in a state of perpetual uncertainty. it seemed to me that the fear of approaching unfavorable circumstances was immobilizing me, leaving me conflated as to what i might give up next and what sacrifices would be demanded on my path toward the life i vaguely remembered having dreamed.

far from the harmless child's game of hide and seek with friends, where being found meant defeat, the desire to stay hidden from everyone else grew intense. rather, i felt overtaken by a foreboding reminiscent of the harrowing incidents portrayed in horror films. i understood that in such a situation, i would lose everything i cherished the most. this could entail the effort of my labor, a beloved soul, or even the entirety of my life. i therefore no longer wish to be found.

but you found me, jeon wonwoo.

wonwoo who is known for his guarded demeanor and for continuously putting his career and family first. the concept of love rarely entered your mind until one day when you found himself pondering it, and to my surprise, it was the thought of me that sparked this fundamental change within you. it's difficult for me to put into words how grateful i am for being the catalyst that released your heart.

you've always stated that i was your first love, which has occasionally provoked fun teasing from those who find it funny that you defined such a passionate connection in your thirties.

you are not my first love, nor will you be my last, as shown by the mere fact that i am writing this email. wonwoo, you are, without any question, the most important turning moment in the course of my existence.

while you may not be the longest or greatest relationship i've had, i want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being the spark that ignited in the events of my life. you've made me realize that even in the midst of my own moments of feeling lost and coping with loss and the inevitable nature of losing, i still deserve to be found.

i want to extend my gratitude for rekindling a love that transcends time, cherishing each moment as it unfolds, and eagerly embracing whatever the future may hold. it may not be a love destined to endure, nor one fated to last a lifetime, but it was a liberating, joyful, and all-too-brief experience that i'll forever treasure.

i have too many scars for someone as pure as you, wonwoo. my life has been marked by losses, whilst you have found so little agony. i have nothing else to lose, whereas you have so much to gain. i cannot and do not want to be the person you settle for. so, i am so sorry for leaving. turns out i am still scared.

you are meant for those who will stay, and i have to admit that i am not capable of fulfilling such a role. there will be people who walk into your life because they are meant to be a part of you, and i hope they offer you the happiness you deserve.

i can only express my heartfelt regret.

sincerely,

your very first love

TAGLIST. @matchahyuck @minhui896 @hongmingoo @strawberryshortcakes-blog @lleercy @wonwooz1 @mhlsymlysn