#battlestuck

Hey guys! Been a long while, hasn’t it? It’s been many moons since Battlestuck wrapped up, but I have an exciting bit of news to share with you all. My first novel DUEL is now available for purchase as an ebook over Amazon!

I wrote Duel before, during, and after Battlestuck, and they have quite a bit in common. Both are stories about young people who are pushed into a bloody, dangerous struggle for their lives. The key difference is that in Battlestuck (and Battle Royale, of course,) the teens are made to fight under the penalty of certain death, while in Duel they’re fighting because of the society that produced them. It takes place in a valley split into two nations, both defined by their bloody conflicts with one another. Characters from either side of the valley are followed with equal attention and sympathy- there’s no mustache-twirling villain, there’s only some fundamentally decent kids making some catastrophic mistakes. 

It’s a lot funnier and a good bit more hopeful than Battlestuck, but don’t worry- I know half of you are disgusting masochists (that comes from a place of love) and these kids really do go through hell. If you’ve enjoyed my writing in the past, I really do think you’d like this book. I’m selling it for the low low price of three bucks, but if you don’t have the money you can get in touch with me and we could hash something out! 

This will be one of if not the last posts I ever make on this blog (sorry for making it a plug, I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t legitimately thinking you’d be interested,) and I just wanted to say again that it was a real pleasure writing  for and interacting with you guys. As always, thanks for reading.

Dear Serenity,

Hey. By now you’re almost a high school student, or maybe you’re already one depending on when you get this letter. Either way, if you’re reading this, there is a really good chance that I’m not the one delivering it to you. This is because I died, and in all likelihood it was in pain and fear as my body was torn apart.

That sounds grotesque, but think about it- the majority of things to have lived on this planet have died like that, because they were killed by something else. Every animal you’ve ever eaten died like that, and they had to eat other living things to get to your plate. The clothes you wear, often enough, are animals too. I’m not trying to turn you into a vegan here, I’m just saying that things killing one another is the natural order on this planet. And that’s why, I think, we like it- how else would you explain things like hunting, or violent movies? Our species used to only survive by killing other things- we had to like it, because we did it all the time.

But I'm getting off topic. I’m dead- for a stupid, pointless reason. But again, that's true of most everyone. How many people really get to die for something they believe in? How many get to close their eyes and never open them again knowing they accomplished everything they wanted to, that their life followed some narrative arc where they tried to get something concrete and then they got it? Life’s about wanting things, I think- and when you get the thing you want, you want something else.

Like, I wanted to go on a school trip. I wanted an opportunity to spend time with my friends. I got that. Now I want to survive that trip!

...Damn, that was morbid. Sorry. I’m trying to use humor here because most of my friends died horribly, it’s just me and PM left. You remember PM, right? You met her once- she was the beautiful one. Oh, I mean WQ had a nicer face and body, but I’ve never met anyone with PM’s soul before. She’s so good and pure and kind- she reminds me a bit of you, only less of a brat (kidding!)

Anyways, I think I want her to win. I know what you’re thinking- “Will, you dumb jerk, your savior complex finally got you killed.” And that’s true, absolutely true! But I think it’s really important for me to go out so she can live.

Because while I’d like to consider myself a good person, I don’t have the stuff. I’m sensitive, you know how I am. All this stuff that’s happening, all these people dying for no reason... I’m not so good with it. It hurts really bad, like someone’s locked up in my chest and is smashing their way out. I don’t deserve to leave this island, I think, because I’m weak, and I’m nice. I don’t think any nice person should ever win this game, the pain and stress of what they had to do would eventually kill them. I think it’d be better to have one survivor than zero.

But I can’t root for the guy who killed my friends- he’s a huge dick. So then there’s PM. She’s kind, yes, but there’s a steel behind her. At her core is an unshakable will, one that can weather anything this game or this world could possibly throw at her. It’ll wound and bend her, but she’ll refuse to break. And maybe she’ll do some good in this world instead of wasting away and dying like I think I would.

I know that isn’t what you want to read. I’m your brother, after all, and you don’t want me to tell you that it’s good and right that I died. And, I mean, it isn’t- this game is an abomination. It’s one of the worst, cruelest things humans have ever done to one another, and I think history has proven that we’re very good at being cruel to one another. I think the people behind this game do it because they hate us- they hate living, they hate humans, they hate it all and they would kill us all if they had the stones for it.

And this game is like porn to them, I bet, because it’s all about stripping us down to what we hate about ourselves. Anyone who was ever afraid becomes a coward, anyone who was ever wavering becomes a traitor, anyone who was ever distant becomes a sociopath. I was so angry earlier that I wanted to kill someone- I wanted to hear his cries of pain because I knew they’d give me joy.

I don’t know what’s the angriest you’ve ever been, but I think that we all have a demon in our chests. He’s trapped most of the time, but this game draws him out. It feeds him our fear and rage and hate, and he grows bigger and stronger until he bursts his way free. That’s the only way to win this game is to let it run amok- to throw away all your love and goodness and replace it with hate and brutality. Some of us are strong enough to handle it longer than others, but I think eventually the demon would erode away anyone’s core.

In spite of it, I still think we’re good people. We might do cruel, evil, selfish things, but there’s no one in this world who is pure evil. Even Jack, the guy who is probably going to kill me, has a soft spot of some kind. Even the people behind this game have something- some moral or principle. That’s proof enough that the demon doesn’t win, never completely. I’m sure the lowest and worst people on the planet would like to prove that deep down everyone is just like them, but they keep failing. Game winners keep dying instead of becoming like them.

I think this cycle will have to be broken eventually. Somebody is going to come along. They’ll have to be pretty special, but nobody can do it on their own. Nobody is strong enough to beat this game by themselves, and that’s why it keeps persisting. By its very nature, it rips us apart and turns us against one another.

So it’ll take cooperation. It’ll take at least a few selfless people who are willing to sacrifice themselves for that somebody, and it’ll take at least a few selfish people who will have to be destroyed by that somebody. Because they’ll have to know cruelty and hatred and evil, they’ll have to sink to the very bottom of the pit so that they can come back up smiling. PM might be the one for that, but I doubt it. She only has me. Maybe she can help someone else.

But it’ll happen- that I don’t doubt. Humans are good, even if we’ve stopped acting like it, and the day is coming where we’ll prove it. We were unlucky to be born in such a horrible time, Serenity. I’m sorry that I have to leave you all by yourself in such a world, but I’m kinda low on options.

Don’t worry. One day we’ll all be good to each other again. It’s in our nature, and it’ll be the case again. I know it sounds like I’m boiling things down too much, but trust me. It really is that super simple.

Goodbye, William Valfrid Known to all as WV

You blink. “Rosey...”

“I love you, Roxy- you’re my family, and I have always regretted that we couldn’t live as such until it was too late.” Rose wipes the tears running down her left cheek. “And I am hurt, I am so very badly hurt. For a long time, I thought I was truly dead on the inside- that Rose Lalonde had been burned away and a new person had taken her place. But I felt a glimmer of my old self, Roxy, when I found this.”

She reaches into her dress and produces a sealed bag. Inside the bag is a bloody, moldy, torn letter. “By William Valfrid, addressed to his younger sister Serenity,” says Rose. “Passed by him to Penny Majors, who changed her name to Pandora Merriett. She, in turn, passed it to me. When I looked at it, I felt the distant stirrings of who I once was. I felt bitter sadness for Will and Penny and Serenity, and I felt rage at the forces that kept this trivial dying wish from fulfilling itself. That’s when I knew I had to seek you out, Roxy.”

Fuck. You’re crying too, and you look so gross when you cry. “W-why do you need me?” you ask through your hand, furiously wiping away tears.

“To keep me from forgetting. I wasn’t putting on a show, Roxy- that is who I am. That Woman and I share a body now, and she’s greedy.” Rose pounds on her chest. “I survive still, but I’m faint. If I didn’t have something to keep me going, I’d eventually fall so deep into the abyss that I would never be found again, and That Woman who you saw walk in would be all that I am.”

She puts a hand on your shoulder. “Everyone who knew me as I was before is dead except you- and you know how I feel, because you went through much the same thing. Around The Lord, or when I’m out on assignment to commit some atrocity, I must be That Woman. Around you and only you, Roxy, I will be myself. You’ll have to do the same thing- we’ll love and trust only one another. I know that you would never betray me.”

“And... how can you be so sure?” you whisper. “You wouldn’t be the first person who loved me that I betrayed.”

“Because my ultimate goal is to kill him,” she says back. “To kill the motherfucker who is behind all of this, and to dismantle his little Program and personally execute every person who made it possible. That’s the one thing I like about That Woman- she never tires of killing, she never lets it upset or scare her. So long as you anchor me, Roxy, I know I can do it. I can soak myself in the gore of my enemies and remain myself with the help of you... and some others.”

“...The other Program winners.” You put your hand on Rose’s, your bony fingers gripping her slender hand. “They’ll hate him as much as we do- you’ll be their symbol, Rose. Every one of us won The Program by killing our friends, and we hate ourselves for it- but we can still be redeemed. Rose, I think you’re gonna fucking save us all.”

“I will try my hardest,” she says, her mouth a soft smile. “I only have a few minutes left before I have to get back to him- do you have anything to drink?"

"Oh... yeah.” You stumble over to your bed and look under it. Two twelve ounce beer cans- cheap swill, but it’s all you’ve got. “Here, Rose,” you say as you hand her one.

She opens it. “To the Lalonde sisters,” she says. “We’ve been bent, but standing together, we will never be broken.”

You blink. Lalonde... sisters? Not cousins, sisters.

It’s been a long-ass time since you had a sister. “Fuck yeah,” you say, clinking cans with her. You both chug it down, and while normally this beer tastes like frothy piss, this particular can is one of the best you’ve ever tasted.

You and Rose down them in a hurry, and when she’s done, Rose puts a hand to her mouth. A squeaky hiccup escapes it. You look at her and chuckle. “Heh. Heheheheh. Hahahahaha!”

“Ha. Haha! Hahahahahaha!” She joins you in laughing, and before you know it, you’re both laughing so hard that you can’t stand without supporting one another. You haven’t laughed half this hard in over two years.

For a minute, that’s all you do. Laugh at everything, laugh at nothing. It’s all so silly and strange- what else could you do?

Eventually, the laughter dies down. “Eheheh... that's ten minutes,” says Rose. “I’ll tell him I gave you a week to think. In the meantime...” She hands you the letter. “You have the lower, heh, profile. Get this to Serenity, alright? She still lives at the address on the letter.”

“On my life,” you say. “I’ll see you around, Rose. I can’t wait to hang out with you.”

“Likewise. Good luck, Roxy. I have faith in you.” Rose backs away, still chuckling, and closes the door behind her. After a long moment, you look down at the letter.

The seal has been soaked away- you better check the letter is intact. You decide that you might as well open it, too, and make sure that three years and two sessions didn’t completely destroy it.

Rose asked you to do this, and you gotta do it right. She is your sister, after all. More importantly than that, she’s your motherfucking messiah- and you’ll do what she asks you to do. She needs you.

And you’ll be damned if you can’t protect her.

END OF THE EPILOGUE