#batpism

To this legacy already settled in law, Shakespeare added a bed. In the wills of his time, beds and their accoutrements appeared frequently and were often pictured in loving detail. Since Shakespeare does not describe the bedframe, mattress, sheets, pillows, or coverlet, his family undoubtedly already knew which bed he meant. A best bed might have a full headboard and a mattress stuffed with feathers, while the second bed would have a half-headboard and a mattress stuffed with flocks. “Best” and “second best” were common ways of identifying beds; one man dictated that “I bequeath to John my said son the best featherbed and to Joan my wife the second, to Robert my son the third, and to Joan my daughter the fourth featherbed.” With “second-best” a testator did not insult his legatee; not even “worst” could do that. A principal heir might receive a valuable horse, a best cloak, a whole house, and a worst bed. Nor was the best bed always bestowed in affection. Some men who gave their best beds to their widows did so only if the women agreed “not to meddle nor make with no part of my goods.” Or the best bed might be conferred on condition that the widow vacated the family home within weeks of the testator’s death.

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Peace be upon those who follow the right path. Not gonna lie to you, friends, occultation’s been more than a little tense lately. You see, ‘Umar’s been having…a fit. 

I wanna be clear about something. I don’t hate ‘Umar. I mean, I live with him. He’s intelligent, well-read, and an all-around swell guy, as far as Sudanese Sunni fundamentalists go. Unfortunately, however, being a gay Shi’i makes our living situation tense: you see friends, ‘Umar and I have an ongoing debate. Yeah, we’re those kinds of people.

“Did the Prophet Muhammad explicitly designate Ali as his successor (Shi’i position), or did he die without appointing a successor, leaving the community to come to a consensus on Abu Bakr as the first caliph? (Sunni position)”

You’d think this is a low stakes historical question that can be debated rationally, but as we will soon discover, you can tell at a glance if someone’s Sunni or Shi’i by how they respond to it. A Sunni will probably start making some jokes about nepotism and dynastic rule (and I mean, they’re not…wrong), whereas the Shi’i will probably start with giving you an Islamic studies course until by the end, all you can say is “I mean if I accept all those very hard to prove other premises I GUESS you’re right”

Advice: don’t say that, it just encourages them. This is why ‘Umar has taken to more violent means lately. Now, don’t be concerned: ‘Umar is not dangerous. That is, as far as Sunni fundamentalists go. He thinks I am a Raafidhi (Rejecter, namely, Rejecter of consensus) and a heretic and might as well call myself an atheist, which, I mean, you know, if ya think Omar on MBC is a good TV show, I mean, sure. I can get how you’d say that. And if you’re like ‘Umar and won’t even watch Omar on MBC because it’s haram to depict a caliph, then I definitely get why you say that, which is why, ‘Umar, I’ve had to lock you out of the room. I understand this specific heresy is especially confusing, but I’m sure with time and rational argumentation, you’ll come to forgive me. I’ll spare the Islamic studies course, though. 

Let’s talk about something the kids are actually into: Nubia. Aha, the magic word! Now I know I have Black people’s attention, and it has a lot to do with why I think you’ll come to forgive me, ‘Umar. But, you know, if you keep banging on the door while I’m trying to talk to you, there’s very little chance you’ll learn anything.

Now friends, here’s the trick. I have a stash of hip-hop records, like any true kaafir. One of my personal favorites: Illmatic, by Nas, probably one of the best hip-hop albums ever. I know, I know, super basic take but the truth doesn’t always need to blow your mind, people. Anyways! I put on “One Love,” and, boom! With an astaghfurallah, the Salafi goes away, and this Imam in occultation can live to guide his community another day.

Lemme tell you the heresy that got ‘Umar so riled up this time. You see, I was walking down the streets of Tucson in my usual fashion, along the most infamous corner in the city: Grant & Alvernon. I looked over at the Eegee’s: so many memories, so many stories. A place that probably taught me more about Islam than any mosque I was ever forced to go to.

But that’s neither here nor there. Grant & Alvernon is really not that bad. I mean, people regularly do heroin in the restrooms, and a lot of people had set up a pretty sick camp decked out with a couch till the city decided to expel them from their camp, but I mean, like, can you imagine being homeless? In Tucson? This city is dangerous as fuck. And when the summer hits…holy shit, you gotta fucking watch out.

It always makes me think of the Song of Daybreak....

ألم يجدك يتيماً فأوى

Didn’t you see how God found you orphaned, then took care of you?

ووجدك ضالاً فهدى

Found you lost, then guided you?

ووجدك عائلاً  فأغنى

Found you helpless, then gave you power?

فأما اليتيم فلا تقهر

So why treat the orphan with harshness?

وأما السائل فلا تنهر

Don’t turn away those who ask you questions!

وأما بنعمة ربك فحدث

Tell them about the blessings of your Lord.

I hate people who make this shit all about the afterlife. I mean, that’s obviously a part of it, but for me Islam is also the religion of the here and now. Common sense. What’re you gonna do with the tools God gave you to make the world suck less? I mean, that’s a pretty fair way to get into Paradise.

Wish Tucsonians got this message, they’re the worst to their homeless people. Mainly white Tucsonians. Mainly Christians. Even Sudanis aren’t as bad. From my experience, people treat them like they’re subhuman despite the fact that every single institution in society is built to prevent them from building back up. At least Muslims have more fucking humility about it, cause like half the Recitation is about how being a dick to poor people is bad. Which, you know, I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but that sounds pretty fair. For the most part, I’ve found that, as long as you talk to a homeless person like they’re a human being, they’re not a threat. There are exceptions, of course, but I mean, they are also people. But what do I know? I’m a Raafidhi heretic.

Anyways. Walking down Grant & Alvernon, seeing everything wrong with white Christian capitalism happening in the same spot: come across this one kid I know, Saarid son of Maarid. The storyteller. The rhyme is sick, right? He was doing something I’d never seen him do before: read. But you know…positive development. Saarid’s smart as hell. See him around here all the time with his friends. Bit of a quiet guy, smokes way too much for a 13 year old. I mean, come on, that is very Sudanese of him, but like, Jesus Christ my good dude. Anyways, I slap the cigarette out of his hand and ask: “ya walad inta gaa’id tagra shnu? Bitdakhhin kamaan?” (“Nigga what YOU reading? Are you smoking?!”)

He looks me dead in the eye: “al-Injil.” (“The Gospel.”)

You see why I like this kid? Doesn’t take shit from nobody.

“Which one?”

“John, you know, in the beginning was the…”

Oh not this Trinitarian shit again. Feels like a sign. What can I say? I’m superstitious. Prophet Maryam and Nubia are on my mind a lot these days…probably cause I love me some Nubian Mary icons. That shit is fire. And, being a Believer in Hikma, AKA a Shi’i Gnostic, AKA a Muslim Mystic, AKA an Islamic Neoplatonist I’m delighted to see that Orthodox Christian theology has a lot of parallels to Neoplatonist ideas, even in the Trinity. I mean…they maintain the Trinity is a paradox not meant to be comprehended by the human brain, to which I have to say…okay whatever. But as somebody who grew up in a faith tradition that emphasized rituals as a path to divine union, I mean, I get their theology. Plus, they got the coolest art. Sorry to all the other Christians. Nubians and Ethiopians especially are my favorite. 

Anyways, I ask Saarid: “Do you want to convert?”

Saarid: “Well, I want to do my reading cause I don’t want to read something later and then change my mind.”

“Leyh?”

Saarid: “What?”

“Why are you afraid to change your mind? It’s natural!”

I think I have a hunch. In Sudani communities, people are crazy fucking Sunni. I only just clocked it, but hey, better late than never. Saahib az-Zamaan, the Leader of the Time, he’s helping me see it more clearly now. I know it worries him…sectarianism is deadly. Always has been, probably always will be…unless the Leader of the Time comes out of occultation. And that’s a big if. Who knows, maybe the real Leader of the Time is actually an alien. Anyways, Orthodox Sunnis don’t approve of any sort of religion change away from Orthodox Sunnism. People even tell you that’s punishable by death.

I mean, it don’t gotta be, but it’s still not a pleasant experience to leave Orthodox Sunnism and try to tell Orthodox Sunnis, lemme tell you. They think they’re so right about everything that’s ever happened in Islamic history. So, I have this urge to rock their world a little. I mean…sectarianism did get Imam Hussayn killed, right? At the very least, I’d rather not have people slitting throats over which God you believe in. Everybody gotta be free to pick their own relationship with Allah.

So, I was like “Look, want me to explain the Orthodox Trinity to you? I’ll teach ya some Nubian prayers, and I’ll baptise you and give you a medieval Nubian Christian name. Just don’t go to these white people churches, they’ll exploit the shit out of you. The beautiful Nubian Christian heritage of Faras Cathedral, where authority of the Nubian Church was once held and Christianity was practiced, is unfortunately flooded by Lake Nubia. It’s a crime against humanity, but knowing it exists is a reminder you can be a Christian your own way. Just don’t tell your parents. They’d kill you if they knew I did this. It’s not a proper baptism, but hey, now you got something to tell people who try to sell you on their church.”

After a surprisingly deep discussion of theology and scripture, I walked into the Eegee’s and asked for a cup of water. Look, I have a secret to tell you: my grandparents were baptised in the Nile. Long after the fall of the Nubian Orthodox Church in Sudan, people would baptise their babies in the Nile, then draw a cross on their forehead with kohl, like eyeliner, but not? Anyways, I don’t got kohl, but it’s not like the Gospel of John tells you how this shit is supposed to be done, anyway, I dip my finger into the water and inspired by my ancestors I draw a cross on Saarid’s forehead.

 I said:

“In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit

I Christen thee Iesounkouda – Servant of Jesus

A member of the Mahasi Church of our ancestors, which the oppressors of Egypt flooded and destroyed.

But today, just as your Lord and Savior, Jesus was resurrected, our ancestors' belief in Jesus was resurrected in thee.”

He said amen. 

“Welcome to Christianity, Iesou!” 

I’ve been inspired by the flexibility of doctrine I’ve seen in the Community of Christ or in the Episcopal Church, I know people think Muslims can’t be that way, but I mean, I’ve been to el-Gezira. Diaspora kids really exaggerate how religious Sudanis are sometimes, your parents might be boomers, but, you know, it’s not like Wardi’s singing ‘bout his wife. I wish that for the Sudani community: I can walk into an Episcopal Church, see a queer woman serve mass with no one batting an eye. I want Iesou to feel that safe, you know? I sympathize. I’m on my second religious minority, third if you count Orthodox Sunnism while living in fucking Arizona, and poor Iesou here…oh boy. I mean, you see the level of oppression and neglect Nubian Christians faced and face: look at Faras Cathedral. Flooded, with tons of its most precious icons cut up and taken out to white people museums. Disgusting. 

And I mean, I don’t get why niggas so uptight about it, I mean, like, fuck, I’m Shi’i and Mahasi, right? Well, before that, I was atheist (and there are Nubian atheists), and then before that, my family was Orthodox Sunni, and before that, Sufi Muslim, and before that, Orthodox Christian, and before that, who knows how many different kinds of indigenous Nubian religions there were. The evidence we do have suggests it shared a lot with the ancient Egyptian religion.

And like, every time, you know Sudanis, we extra about everything. I’m sure this’ll sound familiar to the white Tucsonians and Christians, too. Nubian kingdoms tend to be zealous, for lack of a better word – even Sudani Mahdi was Dongolawi. Correlation, not causation. But think about it!

I think of a joke my dad likes to tell. It’s about how Halfawi Nubians always be blaspheming. Personally, as a Nubian, I find the suggestion I could partake in anything someone could call blasphemy utterly heretical (sarcasm) I do not endorse tribalism, but, like, come on, loosen up, don’t lose track of the point at hand:

Halfawi Nubian A: Bro my uncle just died

Halfawi Nubian B: No way, he was committing heresy just a second ago ;-;

(khaalu laughter ensues, echoing through the deywaan)

Sometimes I wonder if it’s cause Halfawis might’ve given up Christianity relatively late and always been saying shit that pisses the Orthodox Sunnis off. But anyway, who cares? I’m saying, religious flexibility is in our blood. There was room for everybody in the Kingdom of Alwa. Room for everyone in Makuria. Should be room for Iesounkouda among Sudanis.

This is also an option for you, Sudanis who might wanna be Christian but don’t wanna give in to the scourge of American white Protestantism. There are tons of African Christianities, and you got Mahasism as a placeholder. Suntuwekane has resources in Old Nubian, and there’s a Nobiin Gospel of Mark, plus all 4 Gospels written in Kenzi by a Nubian convert named Samuel Hassanayn.

Just be smart about your religion. You know what I’m saying, ‘Umar? House is big enough for the both of us if you’d just calm your tits for a second. Yeah, Iesounkouda’s decision might not make sense to you, but hey, he should feel safe to explore that for himself. Who knows, maybe even he will end up a Sunni fundamentalist like you. God’ll be fine. We just gotta stop indoctrinating each other before our lack of religious literacy gets us all killed. 

Now, for those who are worried my baptism isn’t salvific…

(I mean, I’m barely a Muslim, by some accounts, much less an Orthodox Christian)

I consulted with that one Catholic who works at Eegee’s. I told him how the baptism went and he said “Very Protestant, but sounds Trinitarian enough to me” to which I said “ugh, I taught him the opposite of tawhid. Musta done it right.”

Eegee’s Catholic: “OH BOO HOO, GET OVER IT”

So I think it worked…? Eh, Jesus’ll figure it out.

I hope a Biblical Unitarian somewhere sees this and is like “yo preach! Everybody, Jesus is just a man! You’ve all been fooled!”