#bath 37

(This is why Kagerou's name meant "mirage," dude existed to obscure Daiji's darker, more self-ish parts of himself, from Daiji. )

Daiji has a lot of self-hate based around this idea of "Good / evil." The binary of being 'Righteous' and helpful, versus selfishness and mal intent.

Being selfish doesn't necessarily equate to being evil, but Daiji doesn't see it this way.

And this all stems from how he was raised, i. e, the fact that Ikki was his caretaker/basically his parent.

Now, how does Ikki relate to this entire mess, you might ask?

Well.

Since Ikki raised Daiji, that means Daiji grew up attached to/ developing around the way Ikki acted. And what is Ikki if not self-sacrificial and righteous?

(Quoting a book about enneagrams now, lmao. Once again, daiji's an Enneagram type 3 -- for reference)

"As young children, Threes were connected to the nurturing-figure, the person who in their early development mirrored them, cared for them, and provided affection and a sense of the Three's personal value. Young Threes are highly adaptable and responsive to the emotional states of others, and so learn to adjust themselves to the reactions and subconscious expectations of their nurturing- figure. This person is usually the Three's mother or a mother-substitute, but not always. In some cases, the mother may have been largely absent, physically or emotionally, and it fell upon the father or a sibling to nurture the baby. In any case, it is important to understand that the nurturing-figure is the person who cared for the child and who provided mirroring.

In their formative years, Threes learn to tune in to the desires and hopes of their nurturing-figure. The expectations of the nurturing-figure need not be expressed explicitly. With the remarkable intuitive gifts of children, young Threes know what will please their nurturers and which behaviors produce approving looks and smiles."

So, as a child Ikki raised Daiji. Which means Ikki provided the mirroring for Daiji. And, Ikki is someone who is super hard (on himself AND others) about the idea of being righteous/good.

What do I mean by this?

I mean that Ikki was TERRIFIED of "being bad" because more than anything else he wanted to be loved. But he got the idea in his head that in order to be loved, he had to do something in return. For him, this meant the services he could provide to others. (I.e raising Daiji and Sakura, helping out the bath house, etc.) Deep down, Ikki holds this belief that he must be inherently "bad" and that's why he has to make it up by going the extra mile to be good. After seeing his dad attack his family as a 4-year-old, Ikki came to be of the belief that HE was the one who had to protect the family.

And that without him helping, or sacrificing himself, his family would fall apart/die/leave him/ any litany of other terrible things a kid can imagine.

I imagine it went smthn like: "Ikki! Shouldn't' you share that toy with your brother? You're the older sibling now. You have to be responsible."

Pre-Dad's attempted murder of the family, Ikki would've just "psHT" that away, cause he's a kid. But because his dad attacked his family, and oNLY Ikki could save/protect them, this trauma greatly changed/impacted him.

Now instead of being like "psHT" when it comes to sharing, Ikki willingly gives it up, because if he doesn't something bad might happen and his family might get hurt. And if his family gets hurt then it's HIS fault. Because he wasn't "good" and didn't listen or do as he was told.

Obviously a child's logic, no doubt. But it impacted Ikki and his development/personality and it obviously STILL impacts him to this day. It's a core part of his being. He will ALWAYS have this mindset or thought process inside of him.

Now, what do you think would happen if a child so terrified of being wrong or 'bad' ended up raising /parenting his little brother?

Since Ikki's a child, he obv wouldn't be able to emotionally handle all of that responsibility. Which would stress him out and make him incredibly anxious. (All. the. time.)

But to the people he's raising -- Daiji and Sakura, since they're also kids, they don't realize this. So they model themselves in ways that Ikki would find approving.

For Sakura this meant being capable and helping out. Daiji,,, well Ikki helicopter-parented him (no doubt about it), which meant Daiji grew up having everything done FOR him, leading himself to believe he's not worthy or good enough to do things for himself. "No one lets me do anything, because I CAN'T do anything on my own. I'm a failure."

Plus he still loves and greatly admires his brother. So Daiji grows up seeing "Ikki" as his ideal. His role model. The person Daiji wants to be like, the most.

But BECAUSE it's Ikki, Daiji is grows up believing what he can sacrifice for others, what he can achieve or do to help, are what makes someone 'good'. What makes them an admirable person. A lovable person. Ergo, 'being selfish' = being wrong/evil.

"As adults, Threes continue to play out this pattern learned in early childhood. They seek out people whom they admire and esteem to give them validation and admiration. Threes are not interested in indiscriminately getting everyone to like them: rather, they focus on specific individuals who they themselves view as valuable, successful people. Although this motivates Threes to do those things which will make them seem worthwhile to others, this also leaves them highly vulnerable to fears of rejection. They will work tirelessly to avoid ever being rejected, ever being seen as a "loser." The admiring gaze which they sought from their nurturing-figures made them feel that they were loved and valued, and in one form or another, they are always seeking that look in the eyes of others. Admiration makes them feel alive and worthwhile—at least for a while. Without it, they feel empty and hostile because their underlying feelings of not being valued for who they are begin to surface."

Daiji doesn't feel valuable/loved if its not from others. He WANTS his family to admire him. And more importantly, he WANTS to help. But he especially wants to help his older brother.

He wants Ikki to rely on him and trust him (instead of babying him) -- so he needs to be seen as capable.

Hence, he enrolls with Fenix.

And then everything went downhill and this "image" Daiji was building for himself was failing spectacularly. Now, whenever someone got hurt (because he wasn't able to him, being he failed) Daiji blames himself. Yada yada yada, this lead to his first breakdown.

Threes (like Daiji) are people who "can't survive" without their masks. So when their masks start to get threatened, it turns to dangerous territory.

This is why Daiji tried to kill Ikki. Because Ikki was ruining his perceived mask of "helpful Fenix hero" and he hated himself for it. Hated that his brother was forced into a position that risked his life because DAIJI failed to transform when he needed to. He can't survive with the self-hate, so Kagerou projected it onto Ikki.

"this is iKKI'S fault. HE'S the one that's caused all these problems. Not you. People didn't get hurt because of you. They got hurt because of Ikki." etc etc

"To give up their performance and risk exposing the vulnerable self within feels like an enormous risk to Threes. They feel that their authentic self has been rejected in the past and are secretly terrified of having it happen again. They also  become convinced that their real self is relatively undesirable and that only their performance is worthwhile. Having put so much effort into it, to give it up seems unthinkable."

"Failure is one of the most humiliating prospects for Threes. If they continue to overextend themselves and cannot make good on their claims, they will attempt to maintain the impression that they are still "winners" by deceiving others. Their fear of failure, and thus of humiliation, makes unhealthy Threes more than willing to be dishonest to get what they need to maintain at least the illusion of superiority. Threes are determined to survive, and since they are completely identified with their image, that means ensuring that their image survives. Their pragmatism has degenerated into an unprincipled expediency in which Threes will do almost anything to convince others that they are still exceptional people. But because they actually are having severe psychological difficulties it is almost impossible for them to do this without distorting the truth of their situation."

Riiighhhht.

All the quotes here are from [Taken from the Book: “Personality Types. Using the Enneagram for Self Discovery”] 

So, Daiji isn't exactly thinking clearly rn. He's in a really unhealthy psychological state stemming from his perceived mask of self failing miserably.

This is why I think it's important that Kagerou comes back/why it's inevitable.

My homie Nacho, said this about the Kagerou/Daiji situation:

“I mean the demons themselves are actually important to create a whole person. Nobody in this world can function by just showing/enacting on the good inside them, they need to reconcile with the bad. Otherwise they're just a shell of a person.”

“And for Daiji, I feel his demon protected him by being more assertive. Like Daiji accepting always being second place, always being pushed aside and feeling ignored—all of that was killing him inside. And being a slave and a doormat isn't all of who Daiji is. Denying/killing the side of him that is more selfish is harmful in the end.”

lol. Anyways---