#barbucks

I closed at work tonight and we always get the crazies in right as we're trying to close. I was in the middle of putting chairs up on all the unoccupied tables. It was about 9:55. A lady walked in and was looking at our pastry case which I had just finished wrapping up and closing for the night. I walked up to help and tell her all we have left is hot tea and drip coffee. She told me she wanted five chocolate chunk cookies. Which was all of them. Irritated that she was taking literally all of my cookies and I'm trying to fucking close down, I asked if she'd like a different product but she was adamant about her fucking cookies. I told her I'd have to bag them up to go since we're about to close and I'm not about to wash more fucking dishes, and also I don't usually serve wrapped food this late but whatever, I'd do it this time because she looked like she was just pissed at the whole world. 

She went on a partially mumbled rant about pastries and tomorrow's cookies (?) and how she's never been to a Barnes and Noble like this one. We're often mistaken as a Starbucks, so just in case I reminded her that my cafe has different food and policies than a Starbucks because its just part of the Barnes and Noble. And she got so offended. (?!) Whatever I started getting her shit ready and she told her all about her five kids and how the cookies are for them and I just wondered why anyone would breed with that woman, let alone five times. I was in a bit of a hurry because she was really slowing me down from closing, its 9:58 at this point, I had a bunch of shit to shut down and I still needed to sweep and mop the entire lobby floor. In my haste, I got out the plate maybe a little too vigorously and the cookies went flying. On the floor. All of them. All crumbled and on top of each other. I've never panicked so hard at work before. I debated (A) telling her and baking fresh ones which would make her wait 15 minutes, (B) giving her different cookies because they'd be bagged up anyway...... I looked up. She was angrily mumbling on about cookies and her five spawns and digging through her purse.

I looked down at the floor. 

I was 6.022×1023 % done. It was 10:00, my store was technically closed, and as she dug through her purse, I rang her up and scooped up five slightly broken and definitely disgusting chocolate chunk cookies, and stacked them in her bag for her. 

She waddled off and instead of leaving like a normal person because its past 10 and we're fucking closed, she went to everyone else in the store and told them that our cookies and baking system confused her and how offended she was that I told her she was in a Barnes and Noble and not a Starbucks. For 5 whole minutes. Past close. My manager came to me after the woman finally left and was so confused as to what the hell the woman was even talking about. 

If we ever start selling alcohol at Starbucks (which is actually a possibility for my store), here’s my recommendation for customers looking for some excitement-

First, purchase alcohol.  

Second, sit near the register.

Third, take a drink every time someone says “Decaf.”

This game will be the most fun between 4 and 10 pm, when people are VERY insistent about avoiding caffeine (which I think defeats the purpose of coffee, but that’s just me). Sample conversation:

Customer: “I’ll have a grande decaf latte.  Decaf.”

Me: “Ok, a grande decaf latte.  Anything else for you?”

Customer: “Decaf.”

Me: “You got it.”

(after drink is handed to him/her)

Customer, to barista: “This is decaf, right?”

Customer, to me: “Did they make it decaf?”