#barantos thoughts

when they finally get there, trinity is like a kid in a candy store. she watches, eyes glassy, while baran plucks scraps of lace out of drawers, bralettes and thongs.

baran doesn’t like to try things on in store, says it’s unhygenic, but allows trinity to swipe her card on quite the tremendous purchase before making her drive them both home.

baran doesn’t make her wait long. she’s nearly drooling on their bedroom floor, watching baran assess herself in the mirror. maroon, navy, fuschia, black. and whenever baran asks do you like it, baby? all trinity can do is nod wordlessly.

who can blame her? all the lace is so sheer, breasts cradled in the fabric, nipples peeking through, dark curls poking out the tops and sides of all the underwear. waistbands which sit perfectly along the lines of her hipbones, underlining the dimples at the base of her spine.

at one point, trinity basically gets down on her knees, fully prepared to dive in as soon as baran takes off the panties she has on. but baran’s hands falter at the band of the underwear, staring down at trinity, feigning confusion.

Trinity Santos has been nervous before, that all consuming twisting of your stomach and tremble of your hands. She has been in gymnastics competitions she was sure would define her life before. She has sat countless med school exams that her future actually depended on. She remembers the fear with each new student rotation she did.

She is familiar with the concept of being unsure about herself, about a situation, and knows no other way than to just jump into it.

Which is why when Baran tentatively brings up Trinity and her son, Keyvan, meeting for the first time, Trinity swallows down the spike of nervousness and agrees.

“Just, maybe as a friend of mine to begin with. I’ve not- I’ve not done the whole introducing a partner to my son before, I’d like to make sure you two get along before having to explain all that. He still sometimes asks when his dad and I will be living together again.”

This is trust, this is a big step for Baran who for the past 5 months has insisted their relationship only existed when Keyvan was at his father’s. This is something that could break their relationship, all of it held in a 6 year old’s grasp unknowingly.

Still, Trinity gets it, the thing between them so new and unknown that there’s was no need to complicate it further by involving the light of Baran’s life.

But now she wants to involve Trinity, and that’s terrifying.

And even more terrifying is that Trinity is desperate for it to work, desperate for this kid’s approval so she can finally properly acknowledge the bubble of love that’s been growing so steadily in her chest.

Baran has given her ample opportunity to duck out of this growing relationship too, has stressed the point that she is a mother, and if Trinity wants to be with her then this is something she has to be willing to make room for.

Which is how Trinity Santos finds herself waving a little awkwardly in greeting to a 6 year old with a wild mop of curls and startling resemblance to his mother.

And she’s not even wholly sure how to interact with a healthy child. She’s used to sobbing and wailing and little hands reaching out for their loved ones, she’s used to distracting them so someone else can look at their injuries. She is not used to a 6 year old boy full of so much energy he’s practically vibrating in place.

He barely glances at Trinity, only waves hello in return when prompted, before he’s tugging on Baran’s hand. “Sharks first, māmān!”

And away Baran is whisked, Trinity following closely behind.

A steady stream of what’s that, and why, and how and where does it live and why is this fish red and that one blue?

On and on and on. It’s clear Keyvan is smart, ironically as they stand staring into a tank full of sea sponges, she thinks he’s quite like a sponge himself as he asks yet another question.

And Baran, bless her, who has so much knowledge stored up in that big beautiful brain of hers, does not have a great stock of marine wildlife facts to draw down on.

Luckily for Trinity she does. Courtesy of her best friend who always did gymnastics because she was good at it but always wanted to study marine biology because she loved it. And Trinity loved her.

So when Baran flounders the first couple of trickier questions, Trinity steps in, as best she can. Until at some point Keyvan stops asking his mother first and starts asking Trinity.

Trinity glances nervously at Baran the first few times he does it, unwilling to overstep, but Baran simply tilts her head in approval, smiles warmly and Trinity crouches down next to the boy so she can point out exactly what she’s talking about.

At the next tank Trinity leans forward to get a better look at an animal Keyvan tells them all a little hysterically, “He’s falling apart!” He looks up at Trinity with panicked brown eyes.

“No bud, he’s just moving houses. He’s a hermit crab, when they get too big they leave their shell and move into a new one.” Doesn’t really think about it as she reaches out to squeeze his shoulder reassuringly, swallows hard.

And Keyvan watches seriously, as if to make sure Trinity is lying, as the hermit crab lifts up into a new shell and wriggles backwards into it to settle.

“Māmān! Māmān! Did you see?” He asks excitedly. Baran laughs and nods along as he recounts the previous 60 seconds for her just in case she missed it from her place stood directly next to him.

“Don’t you wish we could do that Trin? Just leave it all behind when it doesn’t fit anymore.”

“Yeah but we’re not hermit crabs, are we?”

Trinity often thinks about what she would give to be able to go back to that conversation with her best friend. To agree with her and suggest they both run away there and then. That maybe if they had done that then the very next day her best friend wouldn’t be dead.

She’s zoned out staring at the little crab as it flexes its legs, she imagines it’s checking to make sure the new home is up to par with its old. Baran is still listening to Keyvan talk but she shoots Trinity a worried questioning look, and she shakes her head and smiles in response.

“You okay?” Baran asks quietly anyway as Keyvan peers closely through the glass at some seahorses in the next tank they get to.

“Oh yeah,” Trinity nods, adds when Baran looks at her unimpressed. “Really, I promise.”

Trinity can see the way Baran’s hand rises half way up to touch her, probably just to ghost along the small of Trinity’s back like she often does but she must remember Keyvan’s presence and drops it.

“I’m just going to run to the restroom, okay?” Is what she says in the end and Trinity agrees easily.

Keyvan doesn’t seem to have many questions about this one’s inhabitants but he takes great glee in running round to the other side of a big circular tank and staring through the distorted glass and water at Trinity on the other side.

She indulges him with some silly faces, before she loses sight of him behind some plants in the water and straightens up to head round herself.

She can hear his little voice raised indignantly as she nears. “-can’t hit the glass you’ll scare them!”

And then the sound of a little girl crying, just as she gets Keyvan into view to see a girl around his age wailing and a towering man standing over Keyvan.

“Look what you’ve done!” He snaps, “Don’t you talk to my daughter like that.”

And Keyvan shrinks back, glances over his shoulder and spots Trinity who is trying very hard not to let loose some choice words of her own and rushes over to her.

Keyvan tucks his face against her side, and she pulls him close instinctively.

“What’s your problem man?” She snaps.

“Your kid shouldn’t have been yelling at my daughter!”

“He wasn’t yelling, he was trying to teach your daughter not to bang on the tanks! Something you should’ve stopped her doing in the first place.”

Anger flairs hot through her and she’d love to lay into this moron but Keyvan is pressing closer to Trinity.

“C’mon buddy, let’s go.” Trinity decides, steering Keyvan away.

They find Baran as she’s wandering back from the restroom, and Trinity fills her in quickly. Keyvan is subdued, kicking his little feet against the floor as the pair of them talk.

Another look at the sharks cheers him up a little but eventually Baran calls time on the day, telling Trinity he’s probably just a bit tired now. Although the guilt eats away at her, certain that she’s blown her chance.

Since they drove in separately, Baran insists on walking Trinity back to her car. Keyvan is slowly perking up again too, rambling happily about all the animals he saw.

“Thank you for inviting me today.” Trinity says earnestly.

“Of course, thank you for coming.” Baran smiles warmly, Trinity wants to kiss her.

“Can Trinity come to my soccer game tomorrow?” Keyvan asks, squirms out of the way when Baran tries to brush back some of his unruly curls from his eyes.

“I don’t know…” Baran trails off and Trinity knows she would rather have a moment to debrief on today. If there’s one thing Baran loves it’s to have an in depth discussion about their feelings.

And Trinity realises she’s just going to have to make the decision for the both of them here. Maybe she’s being silly but she hopes Baran can see that this is her choosing her, her and Keyvan and everything that comes with it.