#bapyongguk

It's funny how things happen sometimes. They say the best things come when they're least expected. Well he was your least expected.

You were there for a vacation, is how you always started the story out. Walking around Hongdae, seeing all the people and the performances. It was completely by chance that you stopped at that one performance but you thank God every day that you did and so does he.

Neither of you really remember how it happened. You just remember standing there being captivated by him. How effortlessly he could switch from rapping to singing in the most beautiful husky voice. How his stage presence, even on the sidewalk on a makeshift stage, just filled you up. How his eyes kept catching yours as he was performing, dragging you in and never letting go, making you feel like it was just you and him there. Then his set ended and everyone else around you two clapped and cheered. Even then he kept his eyes on you and smiled.  

Oh that smile. 

The first time you saw it made your heart stop. You couldn't help but smile back. It was like a pure beam of sunlight that warmed you up and enveloped you.

You remember when everyone left after he was done. Noticing that you were lingering around too long, you started to walk away despite what your heart said. You remember he grabbed your arm. "W-wait." He said in a deep husky voice that did not match that gummy smile of his. You remember turning around and finally looking at him up close. You noticed a tattoo peaking out under the collar of his shirt and a few on his arms. Then you noticed those black curls, framing his face perfectly as a pair of round glasses perched on his nose. 

"A-ah I'm so sorry. I-I don't know why I did that." He released your arm once he realized what he did. You shook your head,  strangely missing his touch. 

"It's alright."  You told him while giving him another smile so he believed that it really was alright. You remember him getting all red and shuffling from foot to foot looking like he wanted to say something. 

"So I noticed you during the performance..." He started out. You remember how much your cheeks burned. Obviously you knew he saw you but to have him actually acknowledge it...

You just let him continue as the tips of his ears had started to grow red also. "I-I don't normally do this but I feel like if I didn't say something to you...I would regret it."  He had taken a deep breath, as if to prepare himself. "Would you like to go get drinks or something to eat?" He finally got out, that deep voice dipping even lower. You remember his words stunning you, making you unable to speak. He looked up at you through those glasses, cheeks and ear bright red, waiting for an answer.

"A-ah um y-yeah. I mean yes. I would like that."  You remember saying smiling with equally red cheeks and red ears. That sunlit gummy smile of his came back out. "Oh my name's Yongguk by the way. Bang Yongguk."

That night of drinks and dinner turned into an almost nightly thing until the time came for you to leave. You didn't want to tell him but you knew you had to. You remember how the light in his eyes shattered when you said you were leaving. You had to go but you wouldn't forget him. He was something special to you that you would carry in your heart forever. 

"I'll be back. I promise."  You remember saying as your eyes filled up with tears, blurring him from your sight. He enveloped you in a big hug, burying your face into his chest. You breathed in the smell of him one last time.

"I know you'll come back to me." His deep voice rumbled in your ears as he squeezed you tighter and kissed the top of your head every so gently.

Leaving him was the hardest thing you had ever done in your life. He dropped you off at the airport and was with you all the way until security. You remember looking back at him just standing there, all alone, even with thousands of people milling around him. He just stood there looking at you as if you were the only person in the room with him and it broke your heart all over again. 

Giving you a soft smile, you remember he waved at you. 

"I'll be back. Wait for me."  You mouthed to him. He had nodded. 

"I'll wait however long it takes." He mouthed back to you before you turned and stepped into security. 

The next couple years you saved money to go back to Korea and looked at career options there. Yongguk obviously helped you out during those long late night and early morning skype calls. Sometimes you would fall asleep on the him when  it got too late. When that happened Yongguk would watch your sleeping face. How all your worry lines smoothed out, how your breathing evened out, and how you looked so content while you slept. Regardless of what time it was, he would lay down, close his eyes, and put his phone next to his pillow, imagining you were sleeping next to him. 

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Then finally the time came. Years of waiting, years of wanting to hold you, to kiss you, to feel the touch of your fingertips playing his skin. Finally the time came. You were coming back to him. 

The moment you got off the plane in Incheon, your heart felt like it was going to burst. You had to see him. You needed to see him. 

Coming down the escalator into the meeting area of the airport, you searched desperately for him. Then there he was. Standing all alone again with a bouquet of flowers and a sign saying - "You came back to me. Welcome home Y/N."  You remember dropping your things with a loud crash and running towards him. You remember how he flung open his arms, that beautiful smile of his welcoming you home. Home to him. 

After your reunion in the airport, neither you nor Yongguk stopped touching each other. You were either holding his hand, holding onto a part of his coat or in bed he was rubbing circles on your back as you laid on his chest. It was such a foreign yet completely natural feeling. Foreign because of all the years of only seeing each other through a screen but normal because finally you both felt whole again. Finally your hearts at returned to each other. 

It didn't take long for Yongguk to pop the question. He wanted to marry you since the day you left him. He knew since seeing you at his busker that you were the one. But he wanted to wait until you came back to him to ask. 

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The wedding was a simple yet elegant celebration and the best day of your life. All your family and friends joined you two in committing yourselves to each other. Anyone could see the love and happiness just radiating off you two. It was infectious. 

You remember when Yongguk first laid eyes on you when you walked down the aisle. His eyes met yours and tears rolled down his cheeks as he covered his mouth in a gasp. You could see all the joy and adoration and undying love in those eyes. Yours reflected back the same emotions as tears rolled down your cheeks too. You remember Yongguk reaching up to wipe the tears off your cheek. "You look absolutely stunning." He whispered to you, fighting off the urge to lean in and kiss you. The way he looked at you was the same exact way he looked at you when he first saw you. You felt as those there was no one else around, it was just you and him standing there. 

Married life had its challenges but you were his rock and he was yours. Nothing could weather you two down.

You still remember the feeling you had when you found out you were pregnant. Yongguk at first thought you were pranking him but then soon realized it was not a prank at all. You remember he showered you in kisses and kept twirling you around, excited to the point words could not describe how he felt. 

Everything was going so smoothly, you were healthy, the baby was healthy, everything was good. But then all of a sudden it wasn't. Your life stopped with a screeching halt. Well it more of stopped with the silence of the ultrasound. Funny how you used to love the silence and now it was overwhelming and suffocating. There was something and then nothing. All in the blink of an eye. The baby was gone. He or she was gone. Just gone without warning. You remember how you felt like your heart was being torn out and how you were spiraling downward. Down, down, down into the silence. 

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Yongguk tried. Oh how hard he tried to make you happy again. He knew how hard it was on you because it was hard on him too, but he knew he could never truly know how hard it was. Each day only got harder and harder for you. You stopped wanting to eat, bathe, move, or even talk. Yongguk began to miss the light of his life. 

You would spend your days laying on the couch as the rain fell down, hitting against the window panes, trying to drown out the thoughts in your head. You clutched the soft dove gray baby blanket, blindly looking out the window, not really seeing anything. You felt as though your insides had been carved out and you were just a hallow shell. Oh how you wished for it to all be a big lie. But the empty feeling inside you denied that lie. That lie was the truth. You remember just the other day, being on your laptop looking at baby things, getting ideas to decorate the nursery. You remember reading baby books filled with names and Yongguk giving you a back hug as he read the names over your shoulder, making comments here and there about certain ones.  

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Yongguk tried to talk to you daily. "Honey....Y/N..." You rarely responded back, too deep in your pain and depression. "Do you hear me Y/N? I'm so scared of seeing the end...In your eyes I can see the emptiness...It's like you've lost your light." He would try to hug you or kiss you softly but you would always move away from his touch. You hated how you reacted and how you treated him but you were just hurting so much. 

"I love you Y/N. I want you to know that. I'm not giving up on you or us. It will be alright. I promise you." He would tell you, you could hear the fierceness in his voice. You believed him but you just could pull yourself together. You couldn't just wake up and decide to not be sad anymore.

 One day was so particularly hard that you couldn't take the pain and emptiness anymore. Yongguk was gone on a quick errand, not wanting to leave you alone for too long. But it was almost enough time. You remember filling up the bathtub and getting in fully clothed. You loved the water since you were little. You sat there, head above the water. Just waiting. You weren't sure what you were waiting for. Then you slipped your head completely under, the cold of the bathtub walls seeped into your back while the warm water flowed around you. You felt strange, warm and cold all at once. Then you felt nothing. 

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You awoke on the cold ground, shivering in your waterlogged clothes. You heard someone yelling far away. 

"Y/N! Y/N! Come back to me! Please...oh my god... please come back to me..." It was Yongguk. You coughed and looked up at him. You raised your hand to his cheek. The heat of his cheek warming your cold hand and cold fingers. He gripped your hand like a lifeline and scooped you up in his strong arms, pulling you close and nuzzling you. His chest heaved with his words. 

"I-I came home and when I shouted b-but you didn't answer...and then I found you in the tub...just floating there. I- I thought you were dead... why? Why did you try to do that?" His deep velvety voice cracked. It made your heart crack as well.  

"I-I feel like I'm dying inside... I keep wanting it all to just be a lie."  You tell him softly in a raspy voice. Then the tears came. All of those days of pain and loneliness came spilling out, ripping through you. Yongguk just held you and rocked you on the wet floor as you cried all your tears out until there was nothing left. Until you could no longer move, until you could no longer make any sounds because your throat was raw. He murmured softly to you as he rocked you, "If you wanna hurt yourself, I'll stay with you. If you wanna make yourself go through the pain, it's better to be held than to keep holding on." You sniffed and snuggled in closer to him, gripping his arms, feeling less alone but so so very tired. 

So he just kept on holding you until you fell asleep from the exhaustion. He brushed the wet hair back off your face so he could kiss you. He kept giving you tender kisses, trying to kiss all the hurt and pain away. 

When you woke up again you were in your bed in dry clothes and warm fluffy blankets. Yongguk was sound asleep by your side, both arms wrapped around you. Protecting you even in his sleep. You could kind of remember what had happened but it was all a blur of water and hard cold floors.

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Later your doctor told you it was a type of postpartum depression. A few months of therapy and medication later, you were in recovery. Every day you were getting better and you could feel your mood getting better. Yongguk could also see the improvement in you and your mood. He was so happy to get the love of his life back. For most people, losing a baby would have caused any other couple to just leave each other but that wasn't you and Yongguk. He stuck by your side even when all hope seemed lost and when you couldn't even look at him. You were forever grateful for your husband. Going through everything gave you a new perspective about things and about life. 

You told Yongguk every day how much you loved and appreciated him. He would smile and wrap you up, smothering you in kisses. One day all that smothering and kisses turned into you holing yourself up in the bathroom as you held a pink stick in your hands. A pink stick with a plus sign on it.

Then nine months later in your hands, that pink stick was replaced with a small bundle wrapped in a pink blanket. A little bundle with fluffy black curls and a soft sweet smile. 

You remember looking up at Yongguk with a huge smile on your face and tears in your eyes as he looked down at you and his daughter with a matching smile and equally watery eyes. He leaned down and kissed the tears that had fallen on your cheek. 

"Mi-hi."  You whispered, "Meaning beautiful joy." 

 Yongguk put his forehead against yours, lovingly. "Our beautiful joy..." He breathed out moving down to kiss you. It sounded perfect on his tongue as you kissed him back, full of passion and love. He pulled back and looked at you and his daughter again. A new type of love and adoration shone in his eyes. "I love you Y/N. So so very much. You and Mi-hi."