#bamboozledhuman

I’ve re-writen this introduction 100 times. It has been the one blog that I’ve thought about for close to a year but constantly put down. The words just wouldn’t flow and I experienced what every English major fears: writer’s block. Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve experienced writer’s block plenty of times but this one was different…I physically couldn’t write this blog…I mean I’d cry about it, so what you’re about to read is the culmination of emotions and experiences over a span of eight months.

Have you ever been driving on the highway planning to take exit 251 but instead take 151? It throws you off course. It’s frightening. You find yourself asking yourself “How did I get here?” You get to a place that you never intended to be and this new area is not what you planned for. It makes you question what the purpose of your original plan was doesn’t it? But you know what is so much worse than exiting the wrong exit on a busy highway in a large city? Looking at your life and realizing you’ve been detoured.

You’ve made all the plans and executed the course of action only to find out that where you thought you were headed is nowhere near it. That’s life and it’s hard, especially when that detour effects the dream you’ve worked for your entire life. To those reading this (if anyone actually does read this) and don’t know, I have a strong desire and passion to practice medicine and in 2016 I applied to all Texas medical schools. It was a terrifying, liberating and adventurous moment in my life with the anticipated end result of a “Yes!” However, the class of 2021 was selected and my name never moved off the wait list to the accepted.

Heartbreaking. Heart wrenching. Soul searching. Words I began to associate with a dream that has been inside of me since I was a young girl. The official no was the worst part. You see I actually was waitlisted at an institution and was notified that if by a specified date I didn’t hear back that it was a no. That day came and went and not one word was given. Forgotten. As if all the efforts I had done were nowhere near good enough to even be told “No.”

With this season of my life being in a leeway, I’ve faced trials that I never thought I would face. Since finding out that I was wait listed, I began to battle depression. It would creep in unexpectedly and turn a good day bad and a bad day worse. For over 4 months, I cried nearly every day and constantly asked myself what was my purpose. Surely, I couldn’t be this wrong about what my future held. Right? The worst part is that I didn’t talk about it to anyone really with the exception of my mom and fiancé (at the time). There were days that I literally wouldn’t get out bed because I felt as though I had failed at life…because of ONE rejection.

You see growing up in a Christian home I was taught that God had a plan for my life and He will bring it to pass. And when I heard a no, I thought to myself… “God, are you there? Do you hear me? Do you see me?” I grew angry, dismayed and broken. I felt as though my cries of desperation had gone unheard especially when I saw my friends succeeding in the same area that I had just attempted. And with those thoughts, the depression grew stronger and more frequent. I had friends and family telling me “It’s okay. You can just reapply.” “Don’t worry. You never know what might be lying ahead.” And I know their intentions were wholesome and true, but I just couldn’t seem to get anyone to understand what it meant to have a dream not come true…self-centered, arrogant and ignorant…am I right?

I remember disqualifying so many people’s trials as less than mine simply because what I experienced didn’t match their experience…and I call myself a Christian? It was in these moments of despair that I began to realize maybe just maybe why I hadn’t matriculated…I didn’t have the attributes that it took to be a great physician because heck I didn’t have the characteristics it took to be a decent person. It’s weird to think of myself in this light since I used to pride myself as being a humble and selfless individual…did you catch that oxymoron…pride and humble in the same phrase.

You see where humility exists, pride does not. Yet before I applied, I thought I ranked as one of the highest in selflessness. So now that an additional four months have passed since starting and putting down this post, I can’t thank God enough for literally breaking me in the one aspect of my life that I had “control” on as if a mere human has control of anything because in all reality our God has control over everything… even if I end up waking tomorrow.

So for the first time since the unexpected no, I’m finally able to talk about my experience with less tears and less thoughts of broken dreams, not because the dream has changed but because I’m slowly beginning to realize what it means to FULLY trust God.

If you’re reading this and you’re in a similar predicament, I want you to know that it gets better IF you give your burdens, desires and worries to God. This world can be (and will be) soul crushing but if you release everything that weighs down your heart you’ll end up feeling freedom you didn’t even know existed.

Don’t believe me, huh? Don’t worry I didn’t either. But if you’re still reading this, let me tell you a quick story.

Once upon time, there was a young girl who dreamed of becoming a teacher. During her adolescence, she would gather all her stuffed animals in a row (like desks) and teach them various subjects. Time passed and life happened and she got “detoured.” She ended up marrying her high school sweetheart and they ended up building a successful law practice while raising two girls. Her life’s plans had changed without her noticing. Years passed…too many to count and she never achieved the one thing she always thought she would be: a teacher. Now because of unforeseen circumstances, she became a single mom who faced her own battles of depression. It took her years (I MEAN YEARS) for her to find herself again, but she did… finally at the age of 50 (sorry for revealing your age mom). She achieved the one thing she always dreamt of the profession of a teacher.

You see that woman’s story I just told you is my mom’s. I was so self-absorbed that I didn’t realize the exact thing that was happening to me was the EXACT experience my mom faced. However, I’m sure if you ask her. She would’ve taken this detour over quickly becoming a teacher. You see because God brought a 360 degree to her life. She had the blessing of raising me and my sister from infancy to teenage years / adulthood. She packed our lunches daily and created memories with us that can never be replaced. She was a TEACHER of the Good Word  to my sister and I.

It really wasn’t until my mom achieved her dream that I realized God really does have a purpose for everything. So yes, my life has been DETOURED let me tell you. But I’m learning to take these twists and turns with a grain of salt.

Because if I had been accepted a year and a half ago, I would not be living in Houston creating a life with my new husband. I wouldn’t be making memories with him or trying to figure out which side of the bed belongs to who. I value my marriage too much to put it in jeopardy and perhaps the stress of a law school student with the conjunction of a medical student and a separation of 250 plus miles would’ve been detrimental to a new marriage.

So without any more time wasted, I want to thank the good sovereign Lord for teaching me patience, humility, and trust. I never saw myself living where I am today and doing what I’m doing but I wouldn’t trade these lessons or memories for anything in this world.

Right now my job is to be a patient, strong and understanding wife while building a home in a small bedroom apartment. Then when my husband has succeeded at his endeavors, I believe that it will be my turn to chase mine. It isn’t an example of subordination rather an act of love. I take this season as a season of growth and I believe that one day the white coat will be donned…but until then I’ll continue on this “detour” God has set out before me.