Detoured
Iâve re-writen this introduction 100 times. It has been the one blog that Iâve thought about for close to a year but constantly put down. The words just wouldnât flow and I experienced what every English major fears: writerâs block. Now donât get me wrong. Iâve experienced writerâs block plenty of times but this one was differentâŠI physically couldnât write this blogâŠI mean Iâd cry about it, so what youâre about to read is the culmination of emotions and experiences over a span of eight months.
Have you ever been driving on the highway planning to take exit 251 but instead take 151? It throws you off course. Itâs frightening. You find yourself asking yourself âHow did I get here?â You get to a place that you never intended to be and this new area is not what you planned for. It makes you question what the purpose of your original plan was doesnât it? But you know what is so much worse than exiting the wrong exit on a busy highway in a large city? Looking at your life and realizing youâve been detoured.
Youâve made all the plans and executed the course of action only to find out that where you thought you were headed is nowhere near it. Thatâs life and itâs hard, especially when that detour effects the dream youâve worked for your entire life. To those reading this (if anyone actually does read this) and donât know, I have a strong desire and passion to practice medicine and in 2016 I applied to all Texas medical schools. It was a terrifying, liberating and adventurous moment in my life with the anticipated end result of a âYes!â However, the class of 2021 was selected and my name never moved off the wait list to the accepted.
Heartbreaking. Heart wrenching. Soul searching. Words I began to associate with a dream that has been inside of me since I was a young girl. The official no was the worst part. You see I actually was waitlisted at an institution and was notified that if by a specified date I didnât hear back that it was a no. That day came and went and not one word was given. Forgotten. As if all the efforts I had done were nowhere near good enough to even be told âNo.â
With this season of my life being in a leeway, Iâve faced trials that I never thought I would face. Since finding out that I was wait listed, I began to battle depression. It would creep in unexpectedly and turn a good day bad and a bad day worse. For over 4 months, I cried nearly every day and constantly asked myself what was my purpose. Surely, I couldnât be this wrong about what my future held. Right? The worst part is that I didnât talk about it to anyone really with the exception of my mom and fiancĂ© (at the time). There were days that I literally wouldnât get out bed because I felt as though I had failed at lifeâŠbecause of ONE rejection.
You see growing up in a Christian home I was taught that God had a plan for my life and He will bring it to pass. And when I heard a no, I thought to myself⊠âGod, are you there? Do you hear me? Do you see me?â I grew angry, dismayed and broken. I felt as though my cries of desperation had gone unheard especially when I saw my friends succeeding in the same area that I had just attempted. And with those thoughts, the depression grew stronger and more frequent. I had friends and family telling me âItâs okay. You can just reapply.â âDonât worry. You never know what might be lying ahead.â And I know their intentions were wholesome and true, but I just couldnât seem to get anyone to understand what it meant to have a dream not come trueâŠself-centered, arrogant and ignorantâŠam I right?
I remember disqualifying so many peopleâs trials as less than mine simply because what I experienced didnât match their experienceâŠand I call myself a Christian? It was in these moments of despair that I began to realize maybe just maybe why I hadnât matriculatedâŠI didnât have the attributes that it took to be a great physician because heck I didnât have the characteristics it took to be a decent person. Itâs weird to think of myself in this light since I used to pride myself as being a humble and selfless individualâŠdid you catch that oxymoronâŠpride and humble in the same phrase.
You see where humility exists, pride does not. Yet before I applied, I thought I ranked as one of the highest in selflessness. So now that an additional four months have passed since starting and putting down this post, I canât thank God enough for literally breaking me in the one aspect of my life that I had âcontrolâ on as if a mere human has control of anything because in all reality our God has control over everything⊠even if I end up waking tomorrow.
So for the first time since the unexpected no, Iâm finally able to talk about my experience with less tears and less thoughts of broken dreams, not because the dream has changed but because Iâm slowly beginning to realize what it means to FULLY trust God.
If youâre reading this and youâre in a similar predicament, I want you to know that it gets better IF you give your burdens, desires and worries to God. This world can be (and will be) soul crushing but if you release everything that weighs down your heart youâll end up feeling freedom you didnât even know existed.
Donât believe me, huh? Donât worry I didnât either. But if youâre still reading this, let me tell you a quick story.
Once upon time, there was a young girl who dreamed of becoming a teacher. During her adolescence, she would gather all her stuffed animals in a row (like desks) and teach them various subjects. Time passed and life happened and she got âdetoured.â She ended up marrying her high school sweetheart and they ended up building a successful law practice while raising two girls. Her lifeâs plans had changed without her noticing. Years passedâŠtoo many to count and she never achieved the one thing she always thought she would be: a teacher. Now because of unforeseen circumstances, she became a single mom who faced her own battles of depression. It took her years (I MEAN YEARS) for her to find herself again, but she did⊠finally at the age of 50 (sorry for revealing your age mom). She achieved the one thing she always dreamt of the profession of a teacher.
You see that womanâs story I just told you is my momâs. I was so self-absorbed that I didnât realize the exact thing that was happening to me was the EXACT experience my mom faced. However, Iâm sure if you ask her. She wouldâve taken this detour over quickly becoming a teacher. You see because God brought a 360 degree to her life. She had the blessing of raising me and my sister from infancy to teenage years / adulthood. She packed our lunches daily and created memories with us that can never be replaced. She was a TEACHER of the Good Word to my sister and I.
It really wasnât until my mom achieved her dream that I realized God really does have a purpose for everything. So yes, my life has been DETOURED let me tell you. But Iâm learning to take these twists and turns with a grain of salt.
Because if I had been accepted a year and a half ago, I would not be living in Houston creating a life with my new husband. I wouldnât be making memories with him or trying to figure out which side of the bed belongs to who. I value my marriage too much to put it in jeopardy and perhaps the stress of a law school student with the conjunction of a medical student and a separation of 250 plus miles wouldâve been detrimental to a new marriage.
So without any more time wasted, I want to thank the good sovereign Lord for teaching me patience, humility, and trust. I never saw myself living where I am today and doing what Iâm doing but I wouldnât trade these lessons or memories for anything in this world.
Right now my job is to be a patient, strong and understanding wife while building a home in a small bedroom apartment. Then when my husband has succeeded at his endeavors, I believe that it will be my turn to chase mine. It isnât an example of subordination rather an act of love. I take this season as a season of growth and I believe that one day the white coat will be donnedâŠbut until then Iâll continue on this âdetourâ God has set out before me.
                            Psalm 46:5Â
