ok rambling about my life and ballet and other stuff again bc i'm having A Day today lol
it really is such a mindfuck simultaneously going back to ballet class (which is a thing that is physically excruciating and exhausting but something i am so solidly confident in that it feels like coming home and i have never felt anything but pure joy like massive endorphin rush after class even as my body has been screaming at me and quite literally bleeding profusely internally) and then also at the same time taking lessons in [redacted] that i am a complete beginner in and have ZERO confidence in, like truly paralyzing levels of fear of even doing anything at all in front of my instructor even when i'm actually doing it Correctly, to the point where i come home and immediately crash and feel so so embarrassed and mortified that i am even trying this new thing and wondering why i'm even doing it at all and feeling like i need to kill myself immediately because i'm just filled with an overwhelming sense of existential dread for no reason
it's just WILD how differently my brain reacts to those two things, just like i think on a chemical level the contrast between the endorphin/dopamine/whatever neurotransmitter rush that i get from ballet vs the adrenaline rush fear response i get from Doing A Thing That Is New To Me. idk why it's so scary. i guess it's in some ways exposure therapy and putting myself in Situations on purpose to build up my tolerance for discomfort and public embarrassment which regardless of whether or not i will ever actually use [redacted] in my life or ever actually be good at it, that muscle for Being Uncomfortable and Being Bad At Something is def something i need to learn to be okay with
i'm also realizing that i haven't REALLY been a total beginner at anything since i was a kid and when i was a kid i was terrified of being bad at something bc i would face very real consequences and abuse for Not Being Good so like. yeah i guess it does make sense that the overwhelming total body fear and shame of being observed doing something i'm Not Good at would make me emotionally crash and want to kill myself over truly nothing. over a genuinely good lesson where i made progress and my instructor was super helpful and supportive. so i guess if nothing else i'm just teaching myself that i'm an adult it's Fine and i can do this and no one will yell at me or hit me in the face or torture me emotionally for hours or whatever even if i do Bad at something lmfao. my god what a mess
WHATEVER i have ballet class on monday and everything will be fine again. there are so many things i need to improve in ballet class but the thing is i know exactly what those things are and how to achieve them and what i need to work on and that's so so so comforting and grounding. save me ballet class. ballet class save me.
