#bad ways

L. P. Hartley, from My Fellow Devils

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjcPflxF6cQ)

Bad ways

I've realized something lately. I'm going to confess some things, so please do not judge me. Recently, I've been getting with pretty much any guy who is interested in me. I mean some guys, no. I'll say no to. But mostly, and it is truly disgusting. I don't ever mean to, but it happens. I started to become really upset with myself but then I found out why when explaining to a friend. I used to be the biggest tease. I would flirt, talk and then say haha but no more. Now, I'm a girl who has no idea what love is, what liking someone is or how either feels. The only time I think I actually truly liked someone was last semester. I loved his personality, the adorable expressions he made and just everything. It was different for me. When I kissed him, it felt different from when I've ever kissed anyone before. Just like my old ways though, I was always afraid to go any further. So whenever he wanted to, I shut him down. Again and again this happened. One day, I didn't allow myself to kiss him, just hangout. That very day I got a call. It was done. Everything. It was just about appearance it was stated clearly to me. I guess after that I just kind of broke. I guess after that I felt, everyone who seems to be interested in me just wanted to hook up and hooking up with someone apparently didn't mean anything so why not. I saw how it meant something to me but not to him. So now I'm in this twisted mindset of nothing mattering anymore. Because all my "feelings" are no longer. I'm glad I have the summer to revive, because this just isn't me. The only good thing is I've made some awesome friends along this messed up path who've been helping me tremendously without even knowing it. I just hope I can see the light again..what developing feelings for someone really means and how different it is from everything else I've known.