#bad thinking

i’m kind of scared bc i am now Good At Going To The Gym and i feel comfortable calling it a habit I've established. i'm stronger, maybe the strongest I've ever been, and i'm already pretty strong even at my weakest. but like i am still "morbidly obese" according to the bmi, and i still hate and am ashamed of and made sad by my body. like i’m scared that it it visibly carries all the shit i’ve been through? even as like no one can tell when i’m tired or sad or manic or lonely because in public i remain pretty stoic/levelheaded. yesterday my boss got overwhelmed and her face went red and she like held her face in her hands. the one time i ever displayed that kind of emotion in front of people i knew was when trump was elected the first time. and she did it cause she got a lot of emails. but like i go to the gym and i’m not magically no longer depressed? and i’m not magically 125 pounds? i mean i know this is skewed/bad thinking because at my lowest during the pandemic i couldn’t really climb steps cause my knee was fucked up. so i know i should be happy my body is like functioning. and i am. my doctor said i was pre hypertension, which runs in my family, and since then i’ve been checking my blood pressure on my own and i am now out of that range. good stuff is happening with my body, with my having a body and being embodied (?). but like i’m tired of thinking about having a body and being aware of being seen all the time. i’m tired of maintaining it/taking care of it, etc.