I Want To Be Loved: Chapter Two
The winter holidays had been rough. Usually, he would have stayed at Hogwarts, the closest thing he had to a home. If he closed his eyes, he could almost see it; he and Ron were trying to hit Hermione with snowballs. No doubt, with her smarts and prowess, she would have returned the favor tenfold. Severus would have been at teams, sneaking in and out of the castle- getting laid, it seemed, if his appearance afterward had anything to do with. Luna would be sending him cryptic letters that were always important. He would have been with his family or at least part of them. Unfortunately, that was not the case.
Living with the Dursleys was hell. Whether it be summer or winter, it was terrible. Each one was always worse than the last (he always wonders whether the next summer will be his last). This was not the life he had chosen, but it sure as hell had chosen him. So for him, thereās no escaping, not when Dumbledore was a conniving old fool who couldn't pull his head out of his ass long enough to see the bullshit he spouted about love was batshit crazy. He wouldn't listen (he never did), so he wouldn't bother trying.
Especially with how comfortable he was right now. Voldemort could show up now, and he would happily tell him to fuck off. His best friends were very comfortable, and he never wanted to move.
"Harry?" Hermione asked, voice quiet and soft.
"Yeah 'Mione?" He sighed, eyes staying closed.
"I don't want you going back there anymore." She ran her fingers through his hair, combing through any knots there. It was longer now, half out of convenience and half because the Dursleys wouldn't let him cut it. He liked it, though. It was different.
Harry snorted. "Try telling that to Dumbledore."
"Oh, we will," Ron said, voice serious. "We won't let you go back. We'll do whatever it takes to keep you from going back."
"Oh, Harry," Hermione sighed. "You're always quick to defend others yet unwilling to protect yourself."
"It's what I've been raised to do," he whispered. "It's what I've been groomed to do."
Ron shifted, moving to look him in the eyes. "That's not alright, and you know it."
Harry knows that; he does. He knows that it's not normal to live in a cupboard for ten years, to be cramped into that tiny space. Even house elves live in better conditions, and isn't that sad? At first, as a minor child, it seemed exciting. It was like a secret hideaway, a magical pocket in the house just for him. The cupboard was his space- the one thing Dudley didn't have first- and he loved that. Even so, that love didn't last. It faded as he grew up and realized the truth.
His family did not love him. They never loved him, never cared. That's why they gave him the cupboard. It was the one place they didn't want, didn't think their Dudley deserved. So he grew up in the dark amidst spiders and dust, while Dudley grew up having two bedrooms. It wasn't fair, but for Harry Potter, it made sense. That's just how life is- was- for him.
"I know it's not right," he agreed. "But it's hard to remember that sometimes."
"That's why we're here," Hermione reminded. "We're here to help you, support you."
"You're going to make me cry, guys." He snorted.
"If that'll help you, then go for it." Ron leaned back and wrapped an arm around the girl.
"Ron cries all the time," she teased.
"'Mione!" He squeaked, leaning over to smack her arm. "How could you?"
The curly-haired girl cackled.
Harry laughed and rolled off the couch. "You guys are ridiculous."
"Nah, what's ridiculous is the old flame you refuse to tell us about." Ron wiggled his eyebrows.
He paused and looked down at the treacle tart that suddenly appeared in his hands. (Praise the house elves for their foresight.) "I'm not sure you'd want to know." Harry looked up at them, a bitter smile playing on chapped lips. "He's not a very good person."
"No one perfect, Harry." The curly-haired girl cupped his cheeks, hoping her eyes would convey what words couldn't. "We won't think any different of you no matter who you like."
"Unless it's Malfoy." Ron chimed in, a brow raised in skeptisism. "I might judge you slightly for liking that poncy blonde."
"When I was in my second year, I met this boy," Harry began slowly, eyeing his friends carefully. "he was sixteen, and we were very similar, orphans, by-products of wars, outcasts to the wizarding world, half-bloods, raised by muggles."
"He was a friend, but he became much more than that; he was funny," Harry almost sounded dreamy, filled with a kind of mourning that starts while the body is still warm. "He promised me the world."
"That's quite the promise." The redhead said.
"It was.ā He agreed, voice wistful. "It was a beautiful promise."
Hermione nudged him, a gentle hand resting upon his.
"He made me believe it." Harry sighed. "Even when I was twelve, I didn't believe in all that shit, but he made me believe it."
Hermione wished that she could take away all of this pain and heartache, but doing so would take away the 'Harry' they know and love.Ā
"Convinced me so dedicatedly that he would do it, he would love me, he would remain with me," Harry muttered wistfully, rubbing at his eyes, "but then he betrayed me; I don't take well to betrayal after promising me the world."
"What happened to him?" Ron asked, voice low and soothing.
"Died." He shot them a twisted grin, sorrow mixed with something like satisfaction. "I don't take well to being betrayed by people I love."
They knew that, had known it for quite some time. It was something that was left unsaid, swept under the rug, so someone like Dumbledore didn't fuck their lives up any more than he already had. They didn't mind, not really. Hermione and Ron knew this and, quite frankly, didn't care. They were all possessive of each other to some degree, each coming from families that could be difficult at times.
Ron is the youngest boy. He has lived a life full of hand-me-downs and second-rate heirlooms. It's okay; not something he minds most of the time. But he won't let go when there's something that is his and his alone. Harry and Hermione are his first friends, who knocked sense into him during their first year and stuck by his side every year after that. He won't let them go.
Hermione is a muggle-born wizard raised by parents that don't understand. They try, but they want their child prodigy to be a doctor, not a wizard. Harry and Ron understand her need for knowledge and how she thrives in the right circumstances. They saved her from a troll, and now they're best friends. She won't let them go.
They understand, so Harry is not surprised when they don't object or panic. Their puzzle pieces connect just right.Ā
"I killed him in self-defense," Harry admitted, "he was behind the opening of the Chamber of Secrets and was going to kill Ginny. I couldn't let that happen."
"Oh, Harry," she breathed.Ā
He barred his teeth at them. "Did you expect anything else from me?"
They didn't. They didn't.
They loved him for that, their sharp pieces fitting together to make something smoother, better to be seen in public. After all, they were all wolves in sheep's clothing, having been put into a house that didn't entirely fit them. It had been more manageable that way, better, as to stick together and hide their true selves. In a world where they left a boy to be abused, another to be neglected, and a girl to scorn, no one could be trusted, not when no one cared enough to take action. That's why they hid and pretended to be something they weren't. If that's the fate awaited a muggle-born, a savior, and one son out of seven, what would happen should they be anything but light? It was better to hide behind Gryffindor curtains, camouflaged in the stereotypical light wizard house at Hogwarts. It was better to do this than risk suspicion or dignity in the wizarding world. They couldn't afford that should they want to accomplish everything they dreamed of, even if it meant living in a house that didn't suit them.
Gryffindor didn't quite suit Harry. If it were up to the hat, Harry would have been placed in Slytherin because there's something about him that doesn't emulate Gryffindor, not quite. Growing up with abusive relatives didn't allow for bravery. In those cases, courage was akin to foolishness, and Harry couldn't afford to be foolish. He has spent years in a dark, cold cupboard, using wit and cunning to come out unscathed from his 'loving' relative's care. It takes a silver tongue, one that he's been blessed with; The lies fall from his lips, honeyed words sounding so accurate that they become a truth in and of themselves. (He hates lying, and he hates being so good at it.)
Hermione was meant to go into Ravenclaw. Knowledge is something she covets and treasures in her mind. Her parents have left her alone, distancing themselves from the child who didn't fit their idea of a perfect child. She needs to learn and fill the silence in her head and in her room with the fuzz of books and knowledge that can be gained from them. There is so much to learn and power that comes from knowledge. She needs it, not for the sake of having authority but for the ability to use it to protect her family- her chosen family. Just as Harry and Ron chose her, she has chosen them. They are the boys that saved her from a troll and have stuck with her since then. She'll do whatever it takes to keep their family safe, so she'll search the books and the world for something that will bring them peace and victory.
Ron should have been in Hufflepuff for his kindness and loyalty. It's something his parents and siblings wouldn't understand, being the pinnacle of a 'light' oriented family. He is overshadowed by five brothers, each one unique and special in a way he isn't. Bill works with goblins, Charlie with dragons, fucking Percy is the head boy and works in the ministry, and the twins are the demon pranking duo. He loves them, but he is stuck behind their shadow and aching because of it. Though, Harry and Hermione see him. They see him for who he truly is, so he stands firmly with his chosen family, refusing to deviate from their chosen path. When they are together, the rest of the world doesn't matter. Ron's world is made up of his best friends, and he'd do anything for them. They have given their kindness and loyalty, and have proven their worth, so he will never leave their side.
They are the only family they have and will ever need.
