#bad crazy

But that feels like a lifetime ago. 

Mid-semester break will be over in a couple of hours, and whilst it has been absolutely amazing to be free of a confining campus and be able to laugh wildly with friends whom I can be comfortable with, it’s time to lock myself in my four walled prison-with-some-air-conditioning and refrain from having too many breakdowns in one week. 

I’m a bubbly, giggly, awkward person at heart. Ask any of my friends that. But 60 kilometres away, I’m quiet, sleepy, pretty much reserved and perpetually exhausted. I hide myself and avoid people whenever possible. I don’t have anyone in college I can open up to, not one of them is an outlet. I didn’t have many friends in high school either, but I had some bloodsisters by my side should I ever need them. Now they’re scattered around my hometown, and the ones closest to me in proximity are the farthest from me in heart. How does a bumbling nineteen year old survive? 

I used to love college, and actually didn’t mind staying over for a weekend or coming back after breaks. 

Now, all that light-heartedness has been traded for dread that fill my soul like bags of sand, and rocks tied to my ankles. I’d rather claw my eyeballs out than go back to that “elite college in the middle of nowhere”. Waking up in the morning is beyond just a chore, it’s waking into a nightmare. Nights are better, slumber is more peaceful, loneliness is more manageable. That’s when you know something’s wrong.

I used to love college. But now I fucking hate it with a burning passion. 

Ted: Look, yes, I know what you're gonna say. I have to break up with her.

Lily: No, I was actually gonna say the opposite. I think you need to be with Jeanette right now.

Ted: Because she's the one.