#backtodayone

i admit it was my mistake for sending that video. From your tumblr, I thought you were mad at me when i was talking with the guys in the groups about girls. So i sent you that song. I worked on that song for quite some time. I never knew if i should show it to you or not after writing the song. But because i thought you were angry, i thought it was the perfect opportunity for me to show you the song. But i was wrong. Things just got worse. and i ended up being called a hypocrite.

i could not show you love. So all i could do was to wish you luck, tell you to take care of yourself, study hard. And honestly, how is this hurtful? This was what i meant yesterday. You know i was just trying to show some care. Although it isn't much but that's all I can do. So I told you then that you were inflicting the damage to yourself then. And that maybe you should just stop running away since you are hurting so much when I've done nothing hurtful.

I know you don't like me. I accept that. But what you are trying to do, is force me to move on. I can't do that. I will never give up on things that matters to me. Just like rugby. That's what it's like to me. These are my beliefs in life. I can't just change it. I know i should. I try to. But I just can't. Not now at least. Maybe in the future. and I'm not forcing you to love me back.

And i was shocked when you told me I assumed that you were okay, you were doing, you were fine, you are not hurting. I knew that you are not okay. That's why i used to always ask you if you're okay. And then you will say yeah. And then i will say that you are lying. And then you start getting angry. And then we start to argue again. And then we'll say we wont talk to each other again. And that is why i stopped asking. 

Yes, I asked for a chance. Not a chance to get back together again straight away.  But a chance to actually really interact with me normally. See who I really am. Cause I'm tired of you calling me all those horrible things you said about me. I really am. If anyone was in my shoes right now, they'll feel like shit. That's why sometimes i start raging too. And i hate it when I rage you. Cause I really don't want to shout and say this hurtful things back to you. 

And I just don't get why you tried to raked up my past relationship. And use it against me?

And I just can't take it when you bring up those 5 classmates of ours whenever we argue. You keep saying they don't care about me. They think I'm shit. They think I'm the problem here. That if i forced it out of them, they would tell me that. That I've been double crossed. So you make me feel like I don't have anyone to trust. And when I ask them, they say no they didn't say that. Yes, they told me to move on. They said there's no point talking to you cause you'll never listen. I just don't understand why you have to use them.

I'm sorry for all of my mistakes I did. I honestly have good intentions. I dont want to hurt you. Maybe, i'm just not good with words. and everything i say is just wrong. I dont know if you'll ever talk to me or even look at me. But i'll tell you, that i always be here if you want to talk. Always here. I don't blame you for everything. I know I have to be blamed also. We are all humans. We make mistakes. and we apologize for it. And so, from the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry.