#back monday

Hey guys and Dolls - cause I'm busy on a mission right now I'll be back on Monday to throw out answers as I know I have some asks in my inbox and Admin will be mean if I forget them - so I'll return then and hope to catch up. Take care!

{ To all my followers and rpers I will be not answer any posts till Monday because I am away at London MCM.

You've been a way for a few days.. And I want to be mad at you for leaving us, but I feel that if I did get mad, you'd bring up my leaving. But you left for a different reason. I came back to you.. I hope you can come back to me. I hope you're not letting me go.. because, now I know you, I don't know what I'd do without you. I just want us to be us again. I don't want to fight. I can't handle fighting any more. You're the one that I love.. And I'm sorry for not proving that to you. I want to. I just don't know how to show it, any more. I suppose, I could write my feelings here? I might as well.

OK, I will. We'll start at the day I asked you to be mine. I loved that day. Everything was happy, I was happy. I'm happy now, but I can see.. that you aren't. I can learn to live with that.. even if it means you have to let me go because you're happy without me.. I'll deal with it.. eventually. I just want you to know everything I have felt. I went off on a tangent there, sorry about that.

On the day we got married, at first, I was sceptical. We'd been together two weeks, and suddenly you wanted to elope. But, it made me happy to think I could call you my wife. It's not something I would just give away. Being married is a commitment, not a chore. And then we were married, and that night was fucking fantastic, I have to say. And then, we went to meet my Dad. You treated my family like old friends and you were just catching up after a period away. And then what happened Christmas Eve.. I had never been so hurt. I wanted to throw everything everywhere, and I'm usually fine with my anger, or whatever. It really really hurt. But, I had to get over it. Because I wanted you in my life, and that seemed to be the only way. So, I coped. And soon after that, just after New Years', the same hurt came back. For a second time. But I had to act OK because we were getting Lydia in a few days. It had to be done. But.. it drove me insane. And then, it came my turn to screw up. I left you. I was so hurt, you have to understand that. I didn't know what else to do but get away from you. I couldn't look at you the same way. And then I tried to find happiness elsewhere, but it wasn't happening, so I came back to you. Because I can't live without you, not any more. I know sometimes I'm a dick, but.. I.. I'm just sorry. I feel like I've done something. But all I've done is missed you.

When you get home, I might not be there. Just because I know you want to spend time on your own, with Lydia. I know I'm not needed there, so I'll be staying at my office. I feel like I'd just be in the way, and I know you need time. I understand. All I ask is that you don't push me away. Please. If I could do this all over again.. I wouldn't leave, and we'd be happy. Till death do us part.

I'm sorry for screwing up. I'm sorry for not realising what I had till it was gone. And now I'm losing you all over again, and I don't know what to do. I am so confused about what you want me to do. I am trying my best here and it feels like my best isn't good enough.

I'll try even harder. I will. I won't stop, because I need you in my life.

But.. if I'm not what you want. I'll have to deal with it. I'll have to. If you want someone else, I'll look the other way. I don't know what I'm saying any more. I just want you to know that I love you. And there is no one else I'd rather spend the rest of my life with.

Yours eternally,