"From bad boy to Bachelor. We’ve all seen Nick grow.” But, have we? First of all, at no point in his life has Nick ever been a bad boy. He was (and still is) just a douchey toolbag who loves bracelets and fucking girls on TV. And I’m pretty sure he’s still that same person. Sure, he came off as more mature and almost cool on the most recent season of Paradise. But keep in mind that everyone else on that show was either (1) in their early 20s; and/or (2) retarded. So forgive me if I remain skeptical AF that Nick is going to be any different this season. Sure enough, as soon as his promo starts rolling my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. Like the rest of the world, he’s *shocked* to be the Bachelor, because he’s been on this show looking like a goddamn fool since January 2013. 

But don’t think he hasn’t learned from his mistakes. He knows his eyes are shifty, he always looks bored, he’s long-winded, and a tool. But getting his heart broken by two unemployed reality stars has taught him a lot, and he’s ready to show us what he’s learned. Gag. But before we can get to the ladies, Nick sits down with the Ghosts of Bachelor’s Past for one more reminder that (1) everyone thinks he sucks; (2) he was cool on Paradise; (3) he’s totally going to find love. 

That’s Me In the Spotlight.  

As in years past, we start by meeting a few girls that ABC wants us to keep our eyes on this season:

Rachel: She’s a 31-year-old corporate defense attorney who runs fake meetings and takes sloppy notes on a legal pad. But like all corporate lawyers, she works hard AND plays hard by .... vacuuming! 

Danielle M.: Our first small business owner who opened her first nail salon at age 23 thanks to daddy. She’s definitely one to watch, mostly because she’s so hot and reminds me of Brit.

Vanessa: Despite the fact that she’s a special needs teacher sporting 4-inch heels and skinny jeans to work, Vanessa--much like Rachel--seems like an intelligent, cultured woman who may have accidentally signed up for this show instead of The Apprentice. 

Josephine: 

Raven: Yet another small business owner whose voice and long black hair reminds me of Pensatucky from Orange is the New Black (minus the whole meth thing).

Corinne: THE WORST. Instantly, the worst. She “runs” her family business, which is worth millions by the way. She lives with her parents. And. AND. Her childhood nanny RAQUEL!! My god. Raquel.  Pray for Raquel.  

Alexis: The troll of the group, Alexis makes it pretty clear right away that she will do literally anything for laughs because her parents neglected her as a child.

Danielle L.: Immediately giving me Whitney vibes with her terrible high voice and respectable job working with babies. She seems incredibly *nice* (read: boring and lacking personality), but I’m sure she’ll make it far because in another life Nick would end up with her.

Taylor: A “mental health counselor” with a Masters from Johns Hopkins who should definitely know better than to sign up for this show. Then again, she’s 23 and has clearly never actually worked as a mental health counselor before. She also mentions that both white and black girls don’t like her because she’s biracial, but I’m guessing the real reason is that shes just terrible. 

Liz: I have so many problems with Liz, and we will get to all of them in due time, but first and foremost: it was tacky AF to read her Maid of Honor speech from her iPhone at a televised Bachelor wedding. 

You Don’t Have to Put on the Red Light.

The limo entrances this year left much to be desired, but I think that’s a good sign that not all of these girls are daft. From what we saw, the entrances can be categorized as either cute, terrible, or sexual. In the “cute” group we have the normal girls like Vanessa and Danielle M. and Sarah (the “runner up”). I also liked Rachel’s reference to her fantasy league because she’s just like us! In fact, that could be you one day! But then I’d be writing about how you dumb you sound. In the category of “terrible” entrances, we have the likes of Christen, a wedding videographer in a tacky yellow prom dress from Forever 21 who waves a Chinese fan around and then talks to Nick in a baby voice. I hate her so much. Not surprisingly, Josephine placed herself in this category by showing up with a terrible wig and offering Nick an uncooked hot dog.

Taylor also confirms that she is as dumb as she looks by letting Nick know that all of her friends think he’s a complete piece of shit. But don’t worry, she doesn’t believe them and is totally here for the #rightreasons. A considerable number of women went with the “sex” route, because apparently ABC is sex-positive only when it’s The Bachelor. Hailey lets him know she’s not wearing underwear, which is pretty nasty given the 12+ hours they have to spend sitting around that house sweating, drinking and vying for his attention. Astrid offers up her titties while speaking German, while Lacey shows up on a camel and makes a lame “hump” joke. Liz is the last sex-related entrance worth mentioning, because she has already had sex with him. She isn’t sure if Nick is going to remember her, but as soon as she steps out of the limo and his eyes get shifty it’s pretty obvious he knows exactly who she is. The question is whether he knew this was coming, or if he’s just terrible at playing it cool. Maybe both. Chris Harrison, however, is pretty terrible at playing it cool and makes it pretty obvious this was all a set up.

Shark or Dolphin?

Once all the girls have arrived, Nick kicks off the cocktail party with a sappy pre-rehearsed speech about how he’s looking for a woman who feels empowered and will be his partner and that every woman is worth dating. I think he’s trying to do this thing called “feminism,” but he doesn’t quite stick the landing because everything about him screams “I’m a beta bitch boy.” Throughout the night the girls talk about how *hot* Nick is and how they wish they hadn’t worn red. Meanwhile, Alexis is having the time of her life performing the dance moves from Katy Perry’s halftime show and demanding that everyone admit she is dressed as a dolphin, not a shark.

Now generally I’m not a fan of those so desperate for attention, but Alexis is hilarious. She’s clearly trolling everyone the whole time, and most of the girls are too dumb to notice. Meanwhile, Corinne is solidifies herself as the villainous slut of the season by handing Nick a bang of rape tokens and letting him know he can use them for “whatever he wants.” She later steals Nick from Vanessa just to kiss him and then proceeds to tell everyone about the kiss the rest of the night, because as Raquel could surely tell you, it’s all about Corinne. The most awkward conversation of the night comes when Liz finally gets a chance to talk to Nick. Her presence on this show is incredibly suspect for a number of reasons, but the clear one being that she slept with Nick, he asked for her number, she said NO, and now, 9 months later, she’s on the show trying to date him. Naturally Nick asks what we’re all thinking:

According to Liz, she had a “stereotype” about him when she met him, then saw him on Paradise and he wasn’t that “stereotype,” but doesn’t like to ask for people’s numbers because she thinks if it’s meant to be it will work out. 

So not only does Liz have no idea what the word “stereotype” means, but she is also completely full of shit. She clearly slept with him because he was good-looking and wanted to be able to say “I slept with Tricky Nick,” but knowing he was a douchebag she wasn’t interested. After learning he was going to be the Bachelor, she thought “well shit, I bet they’ll let me on the show and I can get some screen time.” Lucky for her the Bachelor producers are sluts for dumb drama, but she really should have practiced her defense to a #rightreasons accusation. 

Roses are Red

The remainder of the night was uneventful. Rachel got the first impression rose which was surprising but also not surprising. Surprising because the Bachelor has a race problem and most men they pick aren’t necessarily interested in women of color. Not surprising because Rachel seems incredibly intelligent and down to earth, and you can tell they really hit it off. Noticeably, the girls this season all seem to have real jobs (minus the “Law School Graduate” and the “Witch”) and the ones who actually work are being heavily featured (not counting Corinne). 

It’s refreshing to see women who aren’t flight attendants and dental hygienists, but it also makes the show even less realistic. For example, these small business owners can’t just leave their businesses and move out to LA with Nick to shill white strips in on Instagram. So is Nick willing to move to be with them? Notably, we didn’t spend any time talking about where Nick lives and if he actually has a job, which makes me wonder if ABC wants to ignore that aspect so they can keep flaunting their “accomplished” contestants without addressing the fact that the whole point of this show is for two people to *fall in love* and get married and live happily ever after, in the same city. It will be interesting to see these seemingly more intelligent women navigate through the familiar obstacle course this season, but I’m not getting my hopes up for anything revolutionary. After all, like the Bachelor himself, this show is just an old dog with the same tricks.

Did you notice . . . 

The b-roll of Nick running around Millennium Park and strolling down Clark street in a button down is the laziest attempt to convince us that he hasn’t been living in LA and *modeling* for the past 3 years. 

Susannah’s beard massage.

Christen (terrible yellow dress) talks to Nick like he’s a puppy that she’s training. She’s terrible and has GOT TO GO.

A lot of these women are really young, which makes their desire to date a 36-year-old professional Bachelor even more pathetic than your average Bachelor contestant.

Jasmine G. is a dancer for the Golden State Warriors. Hope she makes it to the final four and then blows a 3-1 lead. 

Nick repeating “civil defense litigation” like he’s trying to learn Spanish

Corinne was always posing in the background of shots, knowing the camera was on her.  Watch for it. God I hate/love her so much.

Fun fact: dolphins are the only other animals (besides humans) who have sex solely for pleasure. Seems like a missed opportunity by Alexis.

Nick begrudgingly giving Josephine a rose, clearly because the producers want her to stick around a few weeks.

Missed this week’s Bachelor episode? Catch up on all the drama, eliminations, and jaw-dropping moments in this full recap! Intro: Welcome back, Bachelor Nation! Another week, another rollercoaster ride of emotions, right? If you missed last night’s episode (or just need to relive all the juicy details), don’t worry—I’ve got you covered. Grab your glass of wine, settle in, and let’s dive into the…

Look. I always get pretty frustrated with The Bachelor but we’re getting close to the mid-season which is where I seem to lose steam each episodes. The newness of the characters has worn off, the frontrunners are clear, and the villain is no longer amusing.

This episodes starts with a Rose Ceremony and I don’t even remember anything that happens. They kept trying to play the drama of “Is Nick going to give Corrine a rose,” which was annoying because of course he was. Then the girls and Nick are off to the exotic location of Wisconsin! 

Nick has a one-on-one date with Danielle L. I don’t remember the initial purpose of the date but they get some cookies that look like them and then they run into Nick’s ex-girlfriend. It’s awkward for Danielle understandably, but other than her feeling uncomfortable, it’s not exciting. 

There’s a group date on a dairy farm. It’s a shitty date. *points finger guns at the sky* They have to shovel poop. That’s the joke. The other girls don’t love that they have to do it, but of course, it’s good ol’ Corn who has the hardest time and refuses to keep doing the date. Afterwards, at the cocktail party, people call Corn out. She doesn’t get why they’re mad. They lay out exactly why they’re mad. She doesn’t get why they’re mad. It’s an annoying cycle. MVP goes to the Russian Kristina who explains quite efficiently why they dislike Corrine. They think she’s immature so she proves them wrong by shaking her boobs and making a silly face and asking if this is immature. Yes. Ugh.

There’s a final one-on-one where Nick and Raven go on a cute date to go meet Nick’s parents and his little sister. They tag along as his sister does soccer practice and goes to a team afterparty at a skating rink. It’s adorable, but it may be because I think couples at skating rinks are adorable. It’s that old school teen dating that I romanticized but honestly probably sucked. 

Then the final cocktail party. People are mad at Corn. They’re setting up Taylor to be the Captain America to Corrine’s Tony Stark. Except instead of both of them being kinda right, they both kinda suck. 

I think I hate this show. It’s a funny weird show to watch, but once you watch several seasons, you kinda realize it’s the same shit over and over again. I dunno. We’ll see. I may love it again next episode. But, holy Wisconsin cow, they need to change up their storylines a bit.  

Look. I don’t want this to just be a blog that focuses on The Bachelor but it is a show that I’m watching week by week (though my eyes and ears keep begging me to look away). If you don’t like this show or franchise, I promise I’ll talk about other stuff too when I get around to finishing other stuff. 

I would say, despite having celebrity cameos and some interesting moments, this was a lackluster episode of The Bachelor. The majority of the big points of this episode were things that we had seen anymore. Corrine continues to be obnoxious and tries to make every date about her. The girls still think Nick is some sort of sex god. Alexis says some funny bonkers shit.

Let’s address the bad stuff first. Corinne is obnoxious, but it’s clear that Nick likes her and she’s going to stay for awhile. She continues to cause drama and Nick instead of realizing that when she brings a bounce house for them to bounce in away from the rest of the girls, the other girls are probably going to get pissed. (Yes. A big moment this week revolves around a bounce house. Sometimes I wonder if this show is actually a parody.) Earlier in the episode, she wears a robe and invites Nick to lick whipped cream off her boob. Five minutes later, she’s crying because her plan didn’t work. A.) Are you a Bond villain? Why do you have an intricate plan? B.) His mouth was on your breast. Some part of the plan had to have worked. Other bleh moments include the later of the two dates which focuses on trying to make the girls do track and field to win more time with Nick. I get that it’s a competition dating show, but whenever there are actual moments of competition, it feels weird to me. “Here ladies, you ran real good. Here’s your trophy, a literal human man, complete with the appropriate amount of scruff.”

There’s good moments that keep me watching though. Alexis is a weirdo who lights up the room with her insane comments. Vanessa is a national treasure (but not ours. She’s Canadian) who is my favorite to win but also did well this week when she asked Nick if he wanted to “find a wife or find someone to fuck around with.” She called him out which is a bold move and makes me think she’s confident enough in whatever they have going on. They went on a date this week where they flew in a plane and floated around in G-force. I’m not a scientist. I think that’s how you describe it. It was cute and he was sweet to her when she got sick. She’s one to watch. Another good moment came when the other girls found out that Corinne at the age of 24 has an adult nanny and does not know how to function by herself even a little bit. They lost their shit, as did I. They were in utter shock with how cavalier she was about it. The Backstreet Boys date was good enough. The girls got excited when they showed up and then participated as their back up dancers. Nick also danced though we didn’t see much of that (which probably means Nick wasn’t a good dancer). 

Also Corinne sleeps a lot. I don’t know if this is a bit or what, but she straight up missed a Rose Ceremony because she was sleeping and then when she had her bounce about in the bounce house, she immediately ran back into the house and went to sleep. It’s a weird thing for her to do and also for the show to focus on, making it even weirder.

One more thought: There are so many blurred butts this episode. Not really much to say other than that. It’s just so strange that a show where people are straight up diving into each other’s throats every three seconds would also be so puritanical when it came to butts. But...ya know. 

sighs.

Guys, why is this season of the Bachelor SOOO horny? I feel like someone should be walking around with a spray bottle and just spritz everyone until they calm the hell down. And this isn’t slut shaming. Nick and all twenty-five of the women who are left are adults and can do whatever they want with their bodies. But, as a viewer, I would just love if everyone kept it in their pants for maybe just one second. It’s like everyone saw Nick’s seasons of the Bachelor and knew he was a regular patron on the train to Bone Town and thought that if their lady boners weren’t permanently situated at full mast, there was no way they were going to win this season. Here’s the kicker: they may be right. 

Corrine, this season’s villain, is THE most horny for Nick’s attention and also his little Nick. Around half the women still left participate in a group date that is themed around wedding photography scenes and while this leads to some of the best moments of the episode (most notably Alexis the Dolphin-Shark doing a shotgun wedding theme shoot where she makes Nick fake deliver a baby while she points a prop gun at him), it also leads to Corrine trying to cement her place in Nick’s...heart by using her feminine wiles. And by that, I mean she takes her top off in front of everyone and proceeds to ask Nick to Janet Jackson her. AND THEN NICK GIVES HER THE GROUP DATE ROSE. So, great job, Nick. Thinking with little Nick and not brain Nick is only going to cause so much shit because Corinne seems to love nothing more than stirring up shit. 

sighs

Nick has a one on one date with one of the Danielle’s which went fine. Most one-on-ones are pretty boring. This one starts with them riding around on a boat for a little bit. We find out that Danielle’s former fiancee overdosed, which leads to a pretty sad and tender moment for the two of them. They then ride a Ferris Wheel. I like Danielle well enough, though it sometimes sounds like she’s straining very hard to be heard.

The second group date of the night is pointlessly dramatic, but blatantly obviously so. Nick takes the girls to a Break-Up Museum in LA which has a bunch of artifacts from failed relationships. Surprise, surprise, Nick’s ring that he was going to use to propose to Kaitlin with was there. Because there’s nothing this season loves more than reminding us how much Nick has been on the show and how bad this boy is at love. 

sighs..

This group then gets to participate in performance art improv where each girl and Nick get to “break-up.” Call me crazy, but this seems like a terrible way to start what is essential the beginning of a relationship. And guess what, I’m right. Liz, she of “I’ve slept with the derpy sex God Nick at Jade and Tanner’s Wedding, did I mention it was at Jade and Tanner’s wedding, I know Jade” fame, makes the break up a tad too realistic and she basically tells their previous history to the entire group. Nick realizes there’s some weird motivation behind whatever Liz is doing when he talks to her alone after and realize that nothing is making sense, so he sends her home.  Good move, Nick. Almost makes up for your dumbass Corrine decision.

The episode ends with a to be continued tag. No shit, Bachelor. I know how TV works.

Bachelor Recap: Justice And Light Prevail

This ep wastes no time with poolside chats or cozy kitchen confabs.  No, this week we go right into The Talk ™– the talk that’s so important that Ben halted the rose ceremony before it even begins. The girls are hoping for a kiss-off, but I think Evil Olivia will come about and right her listing ship. He’s too sweet to believe that someone he likes could be an arrogant P.O.S.  Cleverly, EO spins…

Humiliation Is A Stinky Cologne: Bachelor Recap

(via ABC) A new day dawns on Ben’s bevy of beauties, and the women are already looking frazzled from the stress of the situation; they claim they’re worn the hell out.  Really?  So early? It may feel to them that there are already “so few girls in the house,” but this roller-coaster ride is just getting started.  They better buckle up for a much bumpier ride than they’ve been subjected to so far.…

Tears, Fears, And Mean Girl Cheers: Bachelor Recap Part 2

This is Part Two of this week’s Bachelor Recap, “Tears, Fears, and Mean Girl Cheers.’ You can find Part One here.    Meanwhile, Jubilee is spinning back at the house.  She not a “sweet girl, everything is great girl.”  She so much more COMPLICATED than anyone else here.  Ah, the eternal cry of the misunderstood teenager.  Jubilee, you’re not more complicated, you’re just more melodramatic. Don’t…