#b@acw

There is blood on his hands.

In his moments of doubt, pain, and helplessness, Castiel looks at his hands to ground himself. Normal, human hands that never truly belonged to him. Jimmy Novak had a small scar on his right index finger from the time he was a child and slammed it in a door. His left pinky finger was crooked from when he broke it in college. And for a while, there was a tan line on his left ring finger.

One of the first things Castiel did after possessing Jimmy was remove his wedding ring. Taking it off felt wrong, but wearing it was too strange. One of the first emotions Castiel ever felt, after love and doubt, was guilt, and the ring just reminded him of that.

Both the tan line and the guilt have faded, although the guilt less so.

Castiel knows Jimmy Novak’s hands. He’s seen them covered in blood and holding an angel blade and healing people. He’s seen his hand, Jimmy Novak’s hand, branded into Dean’s skin.

But mostly, he’s seen his hands covered in blood, even when there was no actual blood spilled. Castiel imagines his brothers and sisters swimming in an ocean of their blood. He imagines it washing over his body and drowning him. He imagines the blood of the humans he’s killed, and even some demons. He imagines his skin permanently dyed red.

He pictures Dean’s blood on his hands. Dean, on his knees and beaten and begging for his life.

Castiel knows he’ll never escape those nightmares, that guilt. Even if he’s a different person now.

He no longer fights. He’s no longer a solder, a weapon. He uses once bloodied hands to help his son roll out cookie dough. He takes these hands, once used to press against a demon’s forehead to smite them, to sweep his child’s hair out of his face.

He uses his hands to make hand shadows, just to hear his son’s laughter.

And even now, with literal blood on his hands again, Castiel doesn’t feel the normal guilt that once plagued him daily.

Instead, he feels the guilt that all parents feel when their child gets injured.