#azdi404

don’t tell me that you’re here 

just drop by & let me drop where I am  

don’t let me know how you prayed  

at the walls of my ruins  

don’t let me understand your vendetta  

drop the peace pin from your heart    

& kill me with tenderness

Where I lay.

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don’t let me know    

how my world will crumble down  

just raise a last toast before I go tonight  

because you’ve won.

don’t want to hear the sound of me die    

don’t want you to repeat  

the promises you never kept, I’ve memorized them,  

written on the crumbled paper walls of my skin  

=======

don’t twist my death so slow  

that time expires before me,  

before the dying sun comes up,  

before my organic coffin reaches a grave...

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I want to crash my final bed, a broken man  

before you dance on my aborted memory  

just for you to watch me cave in tonight  

in my grave, on my nieve wishes

that wanted you to understand    

I don’t want to understand

I lay here stone cold, numb.....  

on a makeshift sick bed,

in a straight jacket, 

my most suitable attire,      

you straddling my chest,

questioning my wasted years without you,  

 =

mirror stuck on the ceiling,  

counting my eyelids shutter, 

for every day missed, 

from the tightening grip  

of your mouth having on my lips,  

never to entirely kill me 

or to let me live in peace.  

=

it's not dying that I fear,  

it's seeing the expression on your face 

when I take my last breath  

as I lay there stone cold,  

waiting for you, my love to know that  

to be assertive is to be merciful,  

like the day you drove your beautiful self to me  

testing my fortitude 

that's now succumbing at your hands.  

=

I had faith in you,

I let you in to build a podium for your ego 

so one could occupy its size,  

I've built castles for winter and 

tents on the summer coastlines 

while I was looking for shade by an empty lake  

I've carved a pool in my mind to accommodate  

dripping saliva from your mouth to top it off.....  

=

everything smiled the day your mercy touched  

every scar you burned me with,  

charred a delicately tattooed me, 

short of a cure,  

gazing at your neck & backside

from the mirror's reflection,

wondering how crazy & warm a healing 

it would be from the inside.

= 

you're still straddling my chest  

cautious about delivering a final blow  

even though you know that,  

I'm laying here harmless,  

paralyzed & stone cold... 

======

for maria

April 14 2003

you left the lights off a while ago

so I continued us without you

I played both sides of us

in comfortable skins.

I had you do what I wanted you to do,

and so did you, rolling in digital pages

and surviving through all IOS editions & updates.

Navigating the control, edit, cut, delete, and paste.

=

I picked soundtracks from movies

adopt epics, filter your attitude,

convert your type,

upload it to the drive,

you're a memory in the cloud

so long the impact of flesh & bones...

to be just simple numbers,

digital forms of ones and o's.

Best that I can do.

=

I carry you in my thoughts,

condensed in a zip file,

fingers on the keyboard to sign off,

without a destination to send.

It's a digital affair, my love.

no more hugs and kisses

or to look into your eyes,

to turn the lights back on,

just a last known address

sign off xoxoxo

& press send to draft

sending it nowhere.

crucify my stance

a prophet of fools

watch me preserve it  

and I forgive you too  

I get choked up  

when I let myself go too far 

but I don’t run. 

=

feelings feed awareness,  

whatever it is  

I disengage from everything but you 

show me big guns, and bigger consequences  

play that symphony, a rerun,

preach me through a huge gap in time 

feed me your execution wishes 

stuff me a memorable carcass.

=

unlock your doors

as I raid you

I realize it gives me

a sense of essence  

to some degree  

I’m the only one drowning in me.

= 

so listen to me  

so much becomes the truth  

at the end 

dying with you truly lasts forever 

watch me love you still  

still in a ceremony as a captive 

watch me watch you crucify me    

I don’t run  

I’m into you 

I’m an addicted bum

freak healer,

Deja Vu dealer,

I lay me down

this beautiful mutilation,

wanting sleight of hand healing

explore this freak,

contemporary medicine is a joke,

some call it deformity,

but you call it art

I love your patronage.

=============

Knock the voodoo doll off the wall

spit the spells on me, light the fire,

pin the sharpened needles

hug that strange replica of me

it suits me just fine

call me back into you,

I'm careful about what I wish for,

my lovely freak healer

=============

I'm at the kalfou crossroads,

I was wrongfully laid with the saints,

gravely bent out of shape

because of the shades of my faith.

=============

look at me down in this hole, bothered,

tame the shapeshifter,

it fears you,

the shape of a killer

=============

black magic fidgety

bruised by failed castings,

amend the breakdown

nullify my failures,

bless your heart,  

my sweet freak healer

=============

mambo priestess

initiate the rituals

raise the spirits

symbols mark the grounds

pour the rum

honor the dead

zombies of me

in block form stagnation,

inquest a cure,

negate your deed, 

call me back into you

Like before, heal me,

as I lay me down

this beautiful mutilation,

don't let me be what I am

I want to be a reflection

of your twisted intentions

my adorable freak healer.

So tell me, where am I supposed to begin from Elsee?

Should I start from when I first saw you?

When you dismissed me in the beginning  

or Shrugged me off at the end?

Or is it possible to when I first hugged you

in my debut dream?

Or dared to kiss your lips the night after?

Where should I start from?

something ordinary

=

I've been random, but

moments haven't been the same

since you've been around

I don't count by seconds or days

as I do now, counting the times I see you

Six about to turn eight?

I've mentioned what I believed in,

this a hint to indulge me

some of what you've got

to be something ordinary

=

gravity is humbling

But it only worked on me

I gravitated to listening to the snap & strain

of the careless whisper pushing to know you

breaking barriers against my wishes

so I can say I love your smile

to feel right for that moment

something ordinary  

=

record the moments raw & unplugged

in minutes & seconds as concrete evidence

when you fall away like everyone else

around me, I am the lonely  

something ordinary

=

usher out insecurity

let's fuse each other's shades

red, blue, pale & brown

working out the colors

a final blend of the beautiful and ugly

true colors for the day,

a match made by us to us

To accompany the sundown

completing the creator's work

something ordinary

=

I'm shut out from you

I see the truth about me being old

I can see through you,

the real you, cold and brutal

a fact omitted from my failed agenda

to script a propaganda story,

I'm a failure

something ordinary

=

But I'll make it; maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

Tell me, where should I begin from Elsee?

but if you like

tell me what you like

let's just start with