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the one good thing abt being an avoidant borderline is that when my BPD ass has a meltdown and starts splitting on everyone my AvPD ass kicks in and stops talking to everyone and goes full-on avoidant until Hell Time is over and that way i dont end up snapping at ppl and its like??? hey for once ur not completely useless @ PDs thanks
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I want to call sick at work today since i've been nauseous and shaking and just hyperventilating for the biggest part of the night and i haven't been able to sleep...but then i know that everybody will be in deep shit if I do so. It has been an awfully long time since I had a panic attack this bad. And the worst is that they were so very fucking aware that it would happen...but heeeey playing with people's phobia and see them get dreadfully disoriented is so so so the pinnacle of fun! For real!!! I swear i hate them i hate them i hate them why did i open up to people i will never be able to easily avoid I hate them i fucking hate them so fucking much.
Me when i'm avoiding people for a while: people probably aren't as bad. I should try to loosen up a little. I can't imagine it to be as bad in application than it is in my thoughts...i mean... Me when i loosen up and actually do an effort to be social while being myself and doing a conscious effort to not disociate: ok. Wow. This is 1203% worse than what I had in mind. Incredible. I just...WOW.
