The year is 2030, you sit down at a McDonald’s and order from the secret menu, getting the McXL. A huge dildo is served to you with three monopoly cards attached to the shaft. You peel them off. You got a free McFlurry.

My cat really likes playing with straws. His little eyes would light up if he saw a straw when we stole one from McDonalds and brought it home. Now he’s 2 years old and he’s allowed to go outside. He’s never once caught a bird or rat, despite there being plenty of cat-sized birds living next door, but instead, he hunts worms. We recently realized he likes them because they are live, wiggly straws.