#auto ethnography

Cecilia Dickson

Halbert Barton

SOC 3-001

18 March 2020

Queer Happenings: An Auto-Ethnography

I often find one’s background determines one’s behavior, values, etc. I am from a small, white, upper-middle class town in Indiana. I was raised Catholic, and as such, attended private Catholic schools from preschool to high school graduation. These schools, however, were much more diverse than my hometown, being half-white, and half-non white, with a large black and Hispanic population. I, myself, am white, but what my schools did not have were a lot of LGBT+ students. Or perhaps they did, but, being Catholic schools, most of them remained closeted, like myself. I’m queer, in gender and sexuality, am growing up queer in a Catholic, Midwestern environment caused me to be, in general, more reserved and quiet in behavior, despite having some crazy anxiety.

There was one safe haven for closeted queers like myself at my high school: the theatre program. I fell in love with theatre and acting in high school, as my middle and elementary schools did not have a theatre program. This brings me to one hub—The Rudy Hart Theatre, my high school’s theatre. It’s old and dusty, with probably a hundred safety violations, and the ugly, emerald-green seats need replacing, but it is one of my favorite places on Earth. The theatre director, Mrs. Crane, and her family have been running that theatre themselves, with little to no help from the school/administration, for over twenty years. Their love for their students and that space is practically tangible in the air, from the stage, to the many hidden hallways and storage rooms under it.

Acting is where I find I can express myself the most. I’ve always felt unusual, or unwanted, being queer, which is thankfully now changing since moving away from Indiana, but acting is where I don’t have to be quiet because it’s my job to fully express the characters I play. I love finding myself in every character, and seeing how that expression impacts others, inspiring audiences. 

Perhaps it’s that unashamed expression of other characters that inspired me to start expressing myself. I remember, when I was a freshman, meeting a senior in the theatre program who I would have never met otherwise: Johanna. She was an out and proud lesbian, with a pride pin on her backpack, so colorful against the dull, oppresive hallways. When we did The Music Man that spring, I heard rumors that she wanted to audition to be the music man, Harold Hill. It blew my mind: a girl gender-bending such a traditionally male role. She inspired me to put my own pride pins on my backpack, however hesitantly, sophomore year.

“I like your pins.” That sentence, said so shyly and quietly, hesitantly, clued me into the other closeted queer students in my school. It’s funny, looking back, how all of those kids ended up doing theatre. We were like a little, queer, tapping-dancing cult. Of course, there was queerphobia, even in the theatre program. Senior boys who would called each other “faggot” and use “gay” as a slur, causing me and other queer students to close in on ourselves, sometimes even laugh along, fearing the worst would happen if we showed discomfort. 

I was never fully out in high school. I’ve always preferred to have attention off of me, and I did not want to cause a fuss, but I’ll never forget finally being a senior and being able to welcome queer underclassman into the theatre program, open and unashamedly, just like Johanna did for me before I really knew myself. I got to watch these kids grow into their skin, many of them coming out to me and their friends in the theatre program by the end of the year as a beautiful rainbow of things: transgender, gay, bisexual, pansexual, and nonbinary. Luckily, by the time I graduated, these kids were able to express and explore themselves more openly than I ever could have dreamed of when I was a freshman-turning-sophomore. Times change quickly, and I hope that’s a trend that continues in the theatre program, a trend I hope spreads to the rest of that high school, so queer couples like Rylan and Aura can hold hands walking down the hallways of Marquette Catholic High School without fear of having slurs thrown in their young faces.

After all, going through high school scared to be yourself, to even really explore yourself, really sticks with you. I had a hard time making friends in high school, even within the theatre program, where it took time to be sure that it was safe to come out with each person. This is probably because I never felt comfortable being myself for anyone, so I opted instead to stay quiet, where it was safe. Something I continue today without even being aware of it.

However, in doing this, I get the opportunity to observe some queer happenings. These happening mainly take place in the social ritual of friendship and the weird and many factors that go into it. How do people go from being strangers to acquaintances to friends? I’ve noticed some people become friends because there are no other options, like in high school. People are friends because they happen to see the same people everyday for four years. It’s almost automatic. But, then they graduate and never see each other ever again, and many often view these former friends with an oddly negative attitude. What’s the deal with this? And when this doesn’t happen, what makes a friendship deep and lasting? Is it personal connection, shared experiences, perhaps similarities and differences that either attract or repel? Some people never lose touch, no matter what. I’ve always found this fascinating. Friendships forming, falling apart, for so many reasons. How people form relationships, what it is that can draw two strangers together, or what it is that keeps others on the outskirts, intrigues me.

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Glossary terms

Queerphobia: Irrational fear of queer/LGBTQ+ people

Pansexual: a sexual identity expressing sexual attraction to anyone, regardless of gender

Cecilia Dickson

Halbert Barton

SOC 3-001

7 February 2020

Auto-Ethnography

I often find one’s background determines one’s behavior, values, etc. I am from a small, white, upper-middle class town in Indiana. I was raised Catholic, and as such, attended private Catholic schools from preschool to high school graduation. These schools, however, were much more diverse than my hometown, being half-white, and half-non white, with a large black and hispanic population. I, myself, am white, but what my schools did not have were a lot of LGBT+ students. Or perhaps they did, but, being Catholic schools, most of them remained closeted, like myself. I’m queer, in gender and sexuality, am growing up queer in a Catholic, Midwestern environment caused me to be, in general, more reserved and quiet in behavior, despite having some crazy anxiety.

There was one safe haven for closeted queers like myself at my high school: the theatre program. I fell in love with theatre and acting in high school, as my middle and elementary schools did not have a theatre program. This brings me to one hub—The Rude Hart Theatre, my high school’s theatre. It’s old and dusty, with probably a hundred safety violations, and the ugly, emerald-green seats need replacing, but it is one of my favorite places on Earth. The theatre director, Mrs. Crane, and her family have been running that theatre themselves, with little to no help from the school/administration, for over twenty years. Their love for their students and that space is practically tangible in the air, from the stage, to the many hidden hallways and storage rooms under it.

Acting is where I find I can express myself the most. I’ve always felt unusual, or unwanted, being queer, which is thankfully now changing since moving away from Indiana, but acting is where I don’t have to be quiet because it’s my job to fully express the characters I play. I love finding myself in every character, and seeing how that expression impacts others, inspiring audiences. 

Perhaps it’s that unashamed expression of other characters that inspired me to start expressing myself. I remember, when I was a freshman, meeting a senior in the theatre program who I would have never met otherwise: Johanna. She was an out and proud lesbian, with a pride pin on her backpack, so colorful against the dull, oppresive hallways. When he did The Music Man that spring, I heard rumors that she wanted to audition to be the music man, Harold Hill. It blew my mind: a girl gender-bending such a traditionally male role. She inspired me to put my own pride pins on my backpack, sophomore year.

Another social group I have found a home in is my wonderful group of coworkers at another hub, Sip Coffee House in Crown Point, IN. The vibe of that place is awesome. The owner is so kind, and I get along with everyone who works there. Everytime I go home for a period of time, I work there again, and I am always instantly friends with the new faces. I’ve worked doubles at Sip, being the first person in and the last to leave, and slept over night on the couch in the dining room multiple times, so needless to say, I am very familiar with that building. I know all the regulars, which ones to avoid (the creep who always orders a large, hot cherry bomb latte) and which ones leave the best tips and conversation (Bob, who orders two nonfat lattes), and which ones have never been there before. Working there makes me happy, and I think I love it so much is because it’s another safe haven in Indiana where I can just be myself, a queer, insanely passionate barista, and know I’ll be supported by my coworkers there.

So in looking at personal behavior, I am more reserved and quiet, almost code-switching, when I am at home or anywhere I don’t feel comfortable being who I am, which has caused me to be more cautious in everyday life. When I am comfortable, I relax into myself, and that’s when I feel success in myself, and happiness, whether it’s on stage or behind an espresso machine.

How I became an artistic auto ethnographer

Autoethnography – research through the self.

Visual Autoethnography – Art based research through the lens of the self.

For any of you who don’t know – my personal practice is an exploration of my human condition – always has been – but in 2010 when doing my masters I discovered the correct term for what I’d been doing for many years – that term was autoethnography and oh how I fell in love!

When…

Making a Hot Chocolate

Making a Hot Chocolate

The following are some things I noticed while taking part in this practise.

Sight

How much chocolate mix did I use - I often took big teaspoons full rather than small ones.

I always have three teaspoons of sugar which may seem strange to others - some people may not have any sugar at all.

I paid close attention to how much water I poured into my cup - I always full the cup with 2/3 of water and 1/3 milk. I also put the water in first as appose to others who may put the milk in first.

  I noticed I tend to stir clockwise first for a few seconds, then anti-clockwise, then a zig zag motion to scrap the mixture from the bottom of the mug, then clockwise again.

Smell

The smell of sugar.

The smell of the chocolate powder.

The smell of milk.

Sound

The sound of the jug boiling.

The tick of the jug as it finishes boiling.

The fridge door opening and closing when I grab the milk.

The sound of pouring water/milk.

The tinking of the spoon hitting the mug while stirring.

Taste

I noticed that as I anticipated the taste of the drink, my mouth started to water and sometimes I licked my lips.

Depending on how I made the hot chocolate, it would taste slightly different each time.

Feel

The warmth of the mug as I picked it up.

The chill of the fridge as I got the milk.

The heat of the steam from the jug.

The metal of the spoon.

The ridges in the spoon.

Other

I noticed that I had more weight on one foot than the other.

I also didn't collect all the ingredients before making my hot chocolate but grabbed each ingredient as I needed them - which may be somewhat impractical and a waste of time.

I always leave the spoon in my cup - whereas this make be annoying for other people so they may not do this.

I stir with my thumb and index and middle finger holding the spoon while my other hand holds the mug still.

While I drink, I usually hold the mug with both hands - my fingers from my right hand go through the handle while my thumb holds the spoon to prevent it from falling into my cheek.

Putting a Backpack On

  The following are some things I noticed while taking part in this practise.

Feel

I noticed that depending on how heavy the bag is, my grip changes - if the bag was heavy my grip was tighter.

As I picked up the back I noticed the netting texture of the straps.

I loosened my grip as my arm went through the strap and my shoulder held the support.

Depending how much was in my bag, or how heavy my bag was, I loosened or tightened the straps so they are comfortable.

Once my bag was on, I would pull down the back of my top to prevent it from being scrunched up and uncomfortable.

It always hurts if my hair gets caught - so I tilt my head forward slightly to prevent this happening.

Smell

 Depending on whether I had lunch in my bag, I would often smell what lunch I had.

Sound

I noticed the sound of the zippers jiggling as I swing my bag around.

My water bottle often makes a glugging sound as I put my bag on, as the water sloshes around the bottle. And also when I walk with my bag on.

Depending on what I am wearing, the sound o the bag rubbing against my clothing changes.

Other  

Depending on what was in my bag and how heavy it is, I would swing my bag faster or slower as I put it on.

The weight on my feet changed from one foot to the other as the bag becomes more secure on my back.