#autistic!derek

!!!

i just keep thinking in general werewolves = a lot like neurodivergents or autistics, bc spd is a lot like the heightened senses. I related to that soooooo much back when i watched in my teens without even realizing how much the spd impactdd me and what it was exactly. Just like, whenever they were distracted by sounds, bc they hear everything at once, pencils scratching and everyone's conversations at once, even someone talking outside, and then theschool bell is so shrill it fucking HURTS

or when you're having a meltdown and the only way to make it through is to resort to pain to somehow manage it, bc you're already in mental agony

the werewolfness is such a natural part of you, just like autism, and it allows Derek and the wolves to connect to the world in such an innate way like you said. It's without words, without a concrete human way to explain it, and that's what it feels like autistically when you non-verbally experience the world and you don't catergorize or see the world in human structures or classifcations but rather auras (a word i believe they later used in the show) where everything has a sense attached to it and you exeprience it in some other way and i believe i'm the one not making sense rn bc i just can't find the words for these things - it's just soemthing to FEEL

and i think thats what it was with stiles and derek

that's why they didnt need words

that's why we sterek shippers never needed words to understand them

why we watched them look at each other and went

THAT! THAT RIGHT THERE

because it's an understanding between words. An understanding as if between two creatures with hackled raised, wounded, who realize they're fighting a common enemy, and sharea vommon language

and that language can just be by gaze alone, and somehow snark, biting tongues and rough edges

and if Derek can be his stoic soirwolf self with his biting sarcasm and heal himself and Stiles goes from "this will cause me nightmares" (about to cutt off his arm) to "that was awesome!!" (after watching the bullet wound heal)-- well Derek knows he doesn't have to hide his rough edges from him. He doesn't have to his the black bile and blood and pain, or the way he can't force smiles or be a functioning member of society for Stiles to consider him worth saving and fighting for. Stiles cares anyway. Stiles will fight for him anyway. Stiles understands

and god does that fucking matter

bc who else stands up for derek after laura dies?

Over and over again

*insert elevator gif where stiles is saving derek with derek looking vulnerable*

and cue the soft lighting

and how we get super soft lighting every time stiles is there to save derek

IT'S THE FACT THAT

Stiles doesn't just take it for granted that Derek killed Laura, or that werewolves are murderous beasts (or wolves for that matter). Yes, he reads up on it and confronts Scott about it, and yes he knows wolves haven't been in California for over 60 years, and he tries to learn everything he can about werewolves that's available to him as a mundane human.

He doesn't take his info as a black and white fact (derek = murder), potentially bc he learned better but also lets be real, he's what 16, going on 17, and he's already wise enough to see the bigger picture and give Derek the benefit of the doubt bc like... What sense does it make? He knows about the hale fire, he knows Laura is Derek's sister, why would Derek kill her? What motive would Derek have? What he's seen of Derek, the way Derek has acted toward them doesn't scream sibling murderer in his eyes, so Stiles walks straight up to him and PUSHES. He confronts aggressively and tries to make sense of it.

He's weaseling himself into everything. And Derek probably wonders why. Derek mostly just wants to get to Scott and Scott's just pushing him away but Stiles is the one who unblinkingly returns his gaze, who not only pushes back, but always will come running first. Stiles is the one looking for the right thing, for the just thing.

Which Derek doesn't understand why at first but realizes Stiles does it out of loyalty and preotection for his family. He consideres Scott his family so he will do literally anything to save Scott and protect Scott and see Scott thrive. Same as with his dad.

And that- that resonates a lot with wereolf packs in Derek's eyes and it makes him YEARN for family. It reminds him of how Laura fought for him probably. I imagine that Derek tried to hide from her, that he pulled back and fought with her, that he took on such guilt from the fire and insinuated to her that it was his fault. She probably never understood why because how could he ever bring himself to voice the cause of what killed her family and how he'd let it right in through the back door (in his mind). But she'd always fought back to stay at his side.

just like how stiles fought for Scott.

And he wonders probably what Stiles went through to be able to counter him with the same dry, slightly morbid sarcasm. To all of a sudden adopt Derek into his pack, he realizes after he wakes up to Stiles over him, slapping him awake for the second time. That here's another boy ready to fight tooth and bone, life and death at such a young. Not afraid of blood and pain. Soaking up knowledge as if his brain was as vast as the sea.

Ooh how fun! So I'm going to preface this by saying that I'm aware of studies showing that autistic people feel pain more acutely than NT people BUT my own experience is that I experience pain much less acutely than NT people. I mean, I was 38 when I found out broken bones are, apparently, quite painful. Just imagine little 9 year old me flapping her broken wrist around and being surprised when everyone was yelling at me to stop and little me being very confused and saying "but why? it doesn't hurt!" It's probably the combination of autism + chronic pain condition and probably doesn't apply to Derek but in the interests of projecting onto fictional characters...

(CW for brief mention of kink, and of self harm)

Derek doesn't really feel pain. Maybe a bit of an ouch but his werewolf healing takes care of any injuries he picks up so quickly that he doesn't really notice it.

Except -

There's a pain that comes from sensory overload (I know this overlaps with the other ask you sent so I'll go into more detail about this on that one), that his werewolf healing doesn't take care of. It's that feeling when the light is so bright it hurts his eyes, when the sound is so loud that it rings in his ears and deep into his head, when the label on his sweater is so scratchy that he wants to claw his skin off, when a smell works it's way in through his nose and down his throat, burning as it goes.

That pain, he can't get rid of.

He detaches, dissociates, tries to numb his senses and then everything fades into white noise. Static that leaves him jumpy and on edge, like his skin is trying to crawl off his body or his skeleton is trying to jump out.

That's when he chooses pain.

Pain he can control is different. He knows what's coming, and when and where to expect it. It releases pain endorphins that flood his body and make the sensory pain fade into the background.

After that, he's calmer. At peace. At home in his own body. It buys him relief for a short, precious time.

He seeks out things like tattoos and piercings (which werewolf healing takes care of straight away but that doesn't matter, it's all about the process), BDSM (with or without a sexual element; reader preference here), perhaps self harm. Anything painful that he can control, because that's how he can connect peacefully with his body.

Ahhhh autistic Derek my beloved! So I have many contradictory thoughts about this. Bear with me!

I tend to think of Derek as being high masking, he hides that part of himself well. He's charming, when he wants to be, he knows how to fake a smile and the right words to say, but it's all surface level. Underneath, he's an anxious, socially awkward bunny. He feels like he doesn't fit. (No I'm not projecting, sssshhhhhh.) But when he stops trying, whether that's consciously or because he just Cannot anymore -

(Going off on a bit of a tangent here)

Like, if his family were his anchor, if they grounded him, perhaps he was more high masking before they died and afterwards, he was just... lost. So if the grief stole away his ability to mask, to fit in as best he could, then we get the Derek we see in canon.

(Tangent - we see so much "evidence" for autistic Derek in canon, like the lurking and staring and the way he somehow simultaneously can't control his eyebrows and also uses them to communicate when he can't find the words - or at least not the right ones.)

So he's high masking until he loses his family and then maybe it's a conscious choice to stop because it's just too exhausting, or maybe he still tries but can't anymore.

I love the idea that he has a supportive family, he was identified when he was a little kid, he got the additional help he needed. I love alive Hales who accept and appreciate him for who he is and he has people he doesn't have to mask around. But there is also the angstier side of me that loves the thought of how hard he would find it to grow up with that support and then it's just...gone.

And there's also the side of me that is absolutely projecting which thinks...

What if he doesn't know he's autistic? What if he was never identified? What if his parents pushed him to be "normal" and to fit in with the world around him instead of telling him it was ok to be himself? What if they forced him to mask and he hates it? What coping mechanisms would he derive from that?

But also, after they died, what relief would he feel? He would be free from that pressure, free to be himself, to mask or not mask. Maybe that's when he goes on this voyage of self discovery, perhaps with Laura by his side, quietly supporting him. That might be how and when he finds he's autistic and the /relief/ he feels is immense. He finally has answers for why he doesn't fit in this world that only seems built for other people. He can take that pressure off himself. He can stop faking it all the time and get in touch with his authentic self.

And after Laura dies too and he's all alone in the world, I wonder if he uses that social awkwardness as defence. He knows he's "weird and off putting", he's been told that a thousand times. He's covered it with a smile for so long but now - now he doesn't want to make people feel comfortable. He wants people to be on edge around him. Because that's how he protects himself and everyone around him.

Then he meets Stiles who is "weird and off putting" in his own way. Sure, that way is different to Derek's, but they recognise that part of themselves in each other. And Stiles isn't put off by Derek's quietness, even on the days his eyebrows are doing the talking for him. Stiles just sticks to him like glue. And likewise, Derek isn't put off by Stiles' constant talking and tendency to go off on tangents. He listens and makes Stiles feel valued.

They find that acceptance in each other and Derek has finally found /his person/, someone he never has to mask around, who he can allow to see every part of him.