#authoring-the-things

“And I screamed for whatever it's worth

I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?

He looks up, grinning like a devil”

- Taylor Swift, Cruel Summer

They say, “We're not laughing at you we're laughing with you” but they are laughing at me.

When I tell jokes to cover up embarrassing situations, to hide my lack of social skills.

When I can’t figure out if it’s all in my head or if they honestly hate me for being myself.

When I just don’t fit in, but I have to hope that laughing “with me” is all that’s going on.

Sometimes the person you’re dating turns to you and says they “Love you more than life itself”, when in reality no one should ever be loved that much or put on a pedestal that high.

No matter what, a person should never take up so much of another’s mind, so much of their existence, that they value them more than their own life.

No matter what, it still didn’t change what happened between us, the blood and scars from when I tried to leave for something healthier.

No matter what, he still dangerously loved me more than life itself, sometimes valuing me more than the lives of the ones I truly cared about, even if I never asked for it.

In the end, hopeful people will tell you that “Every cloud has a silver lining” because they just want you to “smile more”.

They’ll tell you that maybe if you didn’t think such sad thoughts, you wouldn’t be depressed.

They’ll say you’re just making yourself sad when you have nothing to be upset about, despite everything you’ve fought and suffered through.

They’ll be so lucky to go through their entire lives without ever knowing what it’s like to try to look for that silver lining in what feels like an endless downpour.