#author=chuloopa

Jecht Von Grisleberg stood at the mouth of the cave, peering in, but seeing nothing but black. The midday sun was high in the sky, shining with all its summer strength, yet no light seemed to penetrate even the mouth of the cave. The dark prevailed. It worried the theif. He looked upwards, shielding his eyes from the sunlight. The jagged silhouette of the trecherous Mount Ferguson Plaire stood tall and unyielding. At least 800 feet of sheer rock and granite, he figured. Even with his own carefully honed climbing skills he could see the darkness was the only way in.

Round 2

Divine Intervention roll(d6) – 2 – Nothing extraordinary happens

f4ction attempts to cast paralysis. (D6 Result) 1. Critical Failure. The Spider dodges f4ction’s poorly aimed cast, and the spell hits (random) Puppylicks. Puppylicks may not move this round. f4action attempts to cast touch of death. (D6 result) 2. The spell goes wide and impacts uselessly on the back wall.

Harli tries to lift her flail to defend her head. (D6 result) 3. Miss. What was meant to be a defensive move ends up making Harli look goofy, as she misbalances with her heavy flail. Harli attempts to charge the spider. (D6 Result) 2. Miss. Harli takes a few steps forward, with the intention of charging, but gets puffed after a few steps. “Mannn” she says, “this thing is REALLLY heavy”

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider uses Arachno Break-Dance. (D6 Result)2. Miss! The spider leaps on its back, it’s legs lashing out in a deadly swirl. Lucking the party are savvy enough to leap out of the way before it does any real damage. Spider attacks (Random) NotoriousR . (D6 result) 1. CRITICAL MISS! The spider has obviously had far too much drink before the start of this battle. Maybe his last meal was Lindsey Lohan? Either way, he stumbles, yet again, doing himself (d6) 6 damage.

The Cracks mutters a prayer to The Emperor. (d6 result) 1. Critical Miss! The Cracks forgets his place, and doesn’t say ‘pretty please’ at the end. The Emperor takes great offence to this and dispatches the inquisition. They arrive shortly after and shoot first, ask questions latter – doing (d6) 6 damage. The Cracks is killed. And possibly a heretic. We’ll never truly know.

Splicer is ensnared and tries to break free. (D6 result) 3. He can’t free himself.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider attacks (Random) Lambomann. (D6 result) 1. Critical Miss! This is just getting silly. How retarded is this spider? Maybe everyone should just wait outside so the spider can finish itself off? Spider misses horribly, doing itself (d6) 6 damage…. Again… Spider uses Arachno Break-Dance. (D6 Result)4. HIT! The spider leaps on its back, it’s legs lashing out in a deadly swirl. (D6)4 people are caught up in the ensuing chaos and have the sustained damage. Tech Knight – 6 Damage Lambomann – 3 Damage F4ction – 6 damage Fatshady – 6 damage Tech Knight has 6 HP remaining Lambomann has 4 HP remaining f4ction is killed Fatshady is killed

Pixel attempts to head-butt the spider. (D6 Result) 4Hit! A Blacksmiths head is indeed a dangerous weapon. Not for cunning plans, but for the sheer density. It is indeed a blunt weapon in its own right. Pixel plunges, headfirst, towards the beast, doing (D6) 5 damage. Pixel attempts to recover his hammer. (D6 Result) 3. Miss. Pixel can’t quite make it.

Jamesmag aims for one of the spider’s eyes. (D6 result) 6 CRITICAL HIT! Jamesmag launches himself at the beast, plunging his longsword deep into one of it’s eyes. The wound is deep and does (d12) 3 damage to the spider. Jamesmag attempts to fall back behind Puppylicks. (D6 result) 4Hit! He effectively hides behind Puppylicks, using him as cover.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider uses bite on (random) Trjn. (D6 result) 3. Miss! Trjn narrowly misses becoming the spiders lunch with a quick roll to the side. Spider attacks (Random) Tigerion. (D6 result) 4. Hit! The Spider lashes out with it’s wickedly barbed leg again, this time slashing straight across Tigerion’s chest, dealing him (d6)4 points of damage. Tigerion has 6 HP left

Tech Knight is ensnared and tries to free himself. (D6 Result) 1. He can’t free himself Rocketman is ensnared and tries to free himself. (D6 Result) 1. He can’t free himself

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider uses Arachno Break-Dance. (D6 Result)2. Miss! Spider swings onto his back and lashes out this way and that, spinning in a vast circle, yet somehow manages to miss everyone. Spider uses web shot. (D6 Result) 6 Critical Hit! Apparently the spider, even with his multitude of eyes, has the depth perception of a bung-eyed goldfish, but when it comes to spraying people with the sticky stuff, he always hits home, covering (d12) 4 people in thick, hot web. The following people are affected. NotoriousR, Grandmaster B-funk, Hugo, and Harli

Puppylicks is paralysed and can’t move.

lambomann orders his kangaroos to throw their souveniers at the spider. (D6 Result) 4 Hit! Of the 5 kangaroos, 3 manage to hit the spider. Each kangaroo does the following damage: Roo 1 – 1 Roo 2 – 5 Roo 3 – 6 Total damage = 12

True to their distant cousin, Skippy, The Kangaroos save the day. They barrage the spider with all manner of cheap and tacky nic-nacs. T-shirts that say “Australia” on the front, but “made in China” on the label, didgeridoos, boomerangs and even ugg-boots. But one item in particular cuts through the air in a yellow blur, imbedding itself deep into the skull of the monstrous creature. It lets out a shrill cry the likes of which none of your party have ever heard and causes ears to bleed. With that, it bucks up for a moment before death takes it. It hits the ground in a violent thud.

The party gathers round to see what landed the killing blow. And there it is, covered, slick, in green-blue blood. A triangular sign that simply says “g’day”. G’day in deed.

THE SPIDER IS KILLED

Your group takes the time to cut everyone free, including Rocketman, whom they send to clean up the mess that Steve-O left on his not-so-heroic demise. The rest of the group converge on the center of the room and hold aloft their prize –the fabled CHEST HAIR OF SERRELS.

This adventure is over, and you all leave as heroes. At least that’s what you will tell the townspeople and your families… They don’t REALLY need to know that the spider was actually killed by its own clumsiness and a herd of jet-lagged marsupials.

Many months have passed since your party left it’s warm castle, on a quest for glory unlike any had known before. Seasons had come and gone. Winds that were once warm are now bitter and cold. But your destination is finally ahead. The caves of ARRGHPLEASEDONTKILLME.

A short walk up a barely traveled path leads you to the mouth of the cave. Your party draws it’s weapons, lights torches and mutter prayers to whatever gods they worship before cautiously walking in.

Little resistance hinders your progress. A few cave trolls, some giant rats and Michael Bolten offer little challenge to your group of 23 brave warriors and magic-wielders.

That is until you reach a wide opening.

The room is well lit, lined with torches and other fires that seem to burn on their own. A great golden chandelier adorns the center of the room, at least 20 meters in girth and probably weighing more than you care to think. At the back of the room there are 2 doors, one lined with gold, the other, ash. In the middle of the room, on a lavish table, lays your prize. The mythical chest hair or Serrels.

Your party let out a united gasp as they see what none thought existed – now to claim it and take it home to receive glory untold.

You are not alone, however. Walking into the room, the door you entered from slams shut, and from the roof descends a massive spider, unlike any you had seen before. Its vast chitinous bulk is black and slick. Its fangs are easily the size of 2 men and dripping a corrosive venom that smells like some vile combination of sulfer and chlorine.

You are trapped and must fight your way out…

What are your actions, brave warriors?

Round 1 Divine Intervention roll(d6) – 2 – Nothing extraordinary happens

Trjn, the Cleric, complains to his god – (D6roll result) 5 – the gods have listened and allows Trjn to make his peace. Trjn follows up, inspired by his own voice, by mocking Rocketman – (D6roll result) 6 – Critical Hit!. The slur is so horrible that Rocketman is hit by a wave of grief and self-question – he sits out this round as he contemplates whether or not it would be better for the group if he just made himself lunch for the oversized arachnid.

Hugo, the Barbarian attempts to bellow his way cry – (D6roll result) 6 Critical hit! Hugo cries “Spoon” at the top of his lungs, bestowing him with supernatural power. Hugo will roll wounds from successful attacks on a d20 for this round. Hugo swings his mighty axe at the spider – (D6roll result) 3. The Spider leaps back at a blinding speed, Hugo has missed.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider uses Web Shot – (D6roll Result) 6 Critical Hit! The web covers (D12roll) 12 people in sticky web – they are unable to move. The following people are affected: Hugo, Noobheadshot, Splicer, Jo, Blaghman, NotoriousR, Pixel Ferret, Rocketman, Tech Knight, Steve-O, The Cracks and Lucifer9783 – Ensnared party members will need to roll a 6 to break free or will remain stuck until someone uses and action to free them. Spider uses bite on (random) – Steve-O – (D6roll Result) 5 – Hit. The spider Bites Steve-O doing (D6)6 damage! Roll for poison(D6) 3 – Steve-owas not poisoned. Steve-O Has 1HP remaining

Blaghman is ensnared and tries to free himself. (D6roll result) 4. he can’t free himself.

The Cracks is ensnared and tries to free himself. (D6roll result) 2. he can’t free himself.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider attacks (random) Hugo. (D6roll result) 1Critical Miss! The spider miss-steps with one of its many legs, tripping and hitting a wall beastly-face first doing (D6) 3 damage to itself. Spider gets up quickly and attacks (random) Jamesmag. (D6rollresult) 1 Critical Miss! Obviously disoriented, the spider misses a step again, falling to the floor, doing itself (d6) 3 damage!

Tech Knight is ensnared and tried to free himself. (D6 Result) 2. He can’t free himself.

Splicer is ensnared and tries to free himself. (D6 result) 2. He can’t free himself.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider uses bite on (random) Puppylicks. (D6 result) 2. Puppylicks dodges the foul beast. Spider attacks (random) Fatshady.(D6 result) 5. The spiders massive front leg sweeps the room, hitting Fatshady for 5 damage. Fatshady has 2 HP remaining

Noobheadhsot is ensnared and tries to free himself. (D6 result) 3. He can’t free himself.

Jo is ensnared and tries to free himself. (D6 result) 4. He can’t free himself.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider uses Web Shot – (D6 Result) 4 Hit! The web covers (D6roll) 3 people in sticky web – they are unable to move. The following people are affected: Hugo(Hugo is already affected), Jo(Jo is already affected), and Puppylicks – Ensnared party members will need to roll a 6 to break free or will remain stuck until someone uses and action to free them. Spider attacks (random) Splicer. (D6 result) 4. The spider leaps forwards, swiping out at Splicer, doing him (D6) 2 points of damage. Splicer has 4 HP Remaining

Harli attempts to move out of the Spiders attack range(D6 Result) 6 Critical Hit! Harli is invulnerable to the remainder of this turn. Harli searched for a weak point on the Spider. (D6 Result) 3 Miss. Harli concentrates all of her focus on the terrible foe, but fails to spot any obvious weak points.

Steve-O attempts to throw his soiled undergarments at Spider. (D6 Result) 1 – Critical Failure. Whilst Steve-O tries to pull off his soiled undergarments, he slips on a stray morsel of fecal matter. The fall does his (D6) 6 Points of damage. Steve-O Is Dead, laying in a pool of his own filth.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider uses bite on (random) Jo Jo is ensnared and cannot Dodge, any roll of 2+ is a hit. (D6 Result) 3. Hit. Spider does (D6) 6 damage to Jo. Jo is killed by the Spiders massive fangs. Spider uses Bite on (random) The Cracks. The Cracks is ensnared and cannot dodge, any roll of 2+ is a hit. (D6 Result) 4. Hit. Spider bites The Cracks doing (d6) 2 damage. Roll for poison(D6) 6. The Cracks is poisoned, doing an additional (d6) 6 damage. The Cracks has 4 health remaining.

Jamesmag attempts to leap on the spiders back. (D6 Result) 3 Miss. Jamesmag can’t climb on the beast. Jamesmag cannot perform his second action. His turn is over.

F4ction attempts to cast Paralysis. (D6 Result) 4. Hit! f4ction successfully casts Paralysis on Spider.. Spider will miss (d6) 2 Attack rounds. f4ction attempts to open the ashen door, but is too far away.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider is paralyzed and cannot move

lambomann Attempts to summon kangaroos. (D6 Result) 4. Hit. The Kangaroos listen, and take a 24 hour flight to the battle, with a small layover in Thailand. They have come to your aid, and brought some souvenirs. lambomann has (d6) 5 kangaroos at his side. lambomann attempts to lead kangaroos against Spider. (D6 Result) 6 Critical hit! All six kangaroos leap into action, attacking the Spider, each doing (d6) damage. Kangaroo 1 -6 damage Kangaroo 2 – 3 damage Kangaroo 3 – 2 damage Kangaroo 4 – 3 damage Kangaroo 5 – 2 damage Total damage to Spider – 16 Damage

Tigerion attemps to flank spider. (D6 result) 4. Hit! Tigerion swiftly moves to the left hand side of the Spider. Tigerion swings his sword at Spiders leg. (D6 result) 2. Miss! Tigerion swings at the spider, but one of its eyes spots him, mid swing, and deftly moves before the blow connects.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider is paralyzed and cannot move.

Lucifer9783 uses Ninja stealth to appear behind the spider (D6 Result)2 Miss. Lucifer9783 gets a little lost in his own stealth and reappears on the opposite side of the room, no closer to the spider. Lucifer9783 is out of range for his subsequent attack

Grandmaster B-Funk attempts to revive Michael Bolton. (D6 Result) 6 Critical Hit! Although he is is not dead, Michael Bolton rises from the dirt in front of Grandmaster B-Funk. His magic’s were so powerful that he has even managed to revive Bolton’s career. Michael Bolton will roll damage on a D12, in celebration of this momentous day. All trapped party members will also receive a +1 modifier to escaping as they struggle to witness the greatness of Bolton. Grandmaster B-Funk commands Michael Bolton to sing “go the distance”. (D6 result)2. Miss. The spider is obviously more of a Patrick Hernandez fan, and ignores Bolton’s song completely.

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider is no longer paralysed! Spider uses Arachno Break-Dance. (D6 Result)1. Critical Failure! The Spider leaps onto it’s back, executing a deadly spin with crunk amounts of flair. Unfortunately for the Spider, it doesn’t take into account the recently poo-slicked floor. It loses it’s composure and breaks off one of it’s legs in the resulting crash, doing (d6) 6 damage to itself. Composure check – (D6 Roll) 1 – Critical Failure! The Spider is left dizzy and momentarily dazed. It loses the remainder of its turn.

Puppylicks is ensnared and tries to free himself(+1 modifier to D6 Roll) 6+1=7. Success! Puppy licks bursts free and continues his attacks unrestricted. Puppylicks throws sword on ground. (D6 result) 1 Critical Failure! It would seem Puppylicks, in his excitement, has thrown his sword down, directly into his own foot. He takes (D6) 4 Damage. Composure check – (D6 Roll) 6 – Puppylicks pulls the blade from his foot, wincing, and can continue undeterred. Puppylicks attempts to punch the stupid Spider right in his stupid fucking face. (D6 Result) – 5. Hit! Puppylicks seemingly enraged by being ensnared, coupled with stabbing himself in the foot, marches straight up to the spider and yells “Chew on this” before smacking that stupid spider right in his stupid fucking face, doing (D6) 6 damage. Puppylicks has 8 health remaining.

Pixel is ensnared and tries to free himself (+1 modifier to D6 result) 5+1=6. He breaks free and carries on as normal. Pixel attempts to throw his hammer at the chandelier. (D6 result) 4. His hammer hits home, severely weakening its hold in the roof, but failing to make it fall. It teeters back and forth lazily. His Hammer lands midway across the room, on the left hand side. Pixel uses Mighty roar. (D6 Result) 1. Critical Failure. It would appear that Blacksmiths don’t have the vocal abilities of warriors, knights and barbarions, as mid-way through his own roar, Pixel ruptures his vocal chords, coughing up blood and doing (d4) 4 damage to himself. Pixel will not be able to engage in any other vocal activities for the remainder of the battle, nor will he be able to join Michael Bolton’s sing alongs. Pixel has 3 HP remaining

THE SPIDER ATTACKS Spider attacks (random) Pixel. (D6 Result) 1. Critical Miss. In Pixels distressed state, he trips over just as the spider lunges at him for the killing blow. Lucky for Pixel, not so lucky for the spider. Spider fumbles past and hits the wall again, doing (D6)4 damage to himself. Spider attacks (Random) The Cracks. (D6 result) 5Hit! Picking itself up, it lunges for the kill, once again. This time direct at The Cracks. It’s Barbed leg lashes out dealing (d6) 2 damage to The Cracks. The Cracks has 2HP remaining.

Rocketman is ensnared and tries to free himself. (+1 Modifier to D6 roll). 4+1=5. he can’t break free.

Strange, Dr. What?, Fatshady, and Notorious R have done nothing this round, choosing to prepare tea and pick their noses instead. What a bunch of maroons.

This concludes Round 1.

The war room was alight with red flashing lights, warning signals, and rather strangely, a disco ball which must have mistakenly been wired into the emergency system when the ship was built. More puzzling, to the assembled soldiers, is why the room would need a disco ball in the first place. The only one amongst them who didn’t seem concerned was Private Puppylicks. “What the hell are you singing, Puppylicks?” inquired NotoriousR, as he watched the volatile weapons expert sway side to side. “How can you not know this one, Notty?” Puppylicks upped the volume of his voice, which seemed to throw his voice even further out of tune. “I’ve got the torch!” he sang and he lofted his flamethrower into the air “I’ve got the poweeeeeerrrrrr… YEAH!”

“Oh hey, yeah i do know that one, what’s it called again? That’s right – you’re a crazy bastard” “Hey, no need to be Jealous there Notty. You know what they say – can’t handle the heat, get the hell outta my kitchen” “That doesn’t even make a lick of sense” Jamesmag interjected. “You’re face doesn’t make a lick of sense” snapped Puppylicks. “Easy boys”. Dr. What had snuck up behind the trio, causing Puppylicks to jump, much to the delight of the others. “I wouldn’t want to have to waste any of my supplies on you lot before we even get to the fight” “Thats enough from all of you” Sergeant Jimu intereupted. “Fall into line, the lot of you. I don’t want to hear another word from any of you sorry sons of Feth. The Lord Marshall is on his way and something big is up. I can feel it.”

The men knew better than to question the sergeant’s inklings. They’d kept them alive on more than one occasion. It was like a sixth sense. It was only two years ago that he’d pulled a squad, helmed by Fatshady, back from a firefight based on a bad feeling. The men argued and wanted to push on, but reluctantly fell back. Moments later the area they were to charge into was carpet bombed from unnoticed orbital auxiliaries the enemy had brought forward in an attempt to wipe out half of the Allure strike force in one fell swoop. From then on it became almost codex for the men to listen when Jimu spoke. His feelings were often the difference between glory and having your remains jettisoned into space in a pretty box.

He looked at the men from left to right. Just a few of his best. Trjn , Jamesmag, Sughly, Strange, Expendibleguy, Plainview, Dr What, Puppylicks, NotorriousR, and Corporal Fatshady, his second in command. He was indeed a lucky man to have such a reliable crew.

“I don’t like this, Sarge” Said Trjn, matter-of-factly, shifting uncomfortably under his plasteel armor. “Indeed. The air is thick with the incandescent reek of perpetual destitution and anal rape” Plainview added, in his own colorful way. The pair, though sharing the same ill boding as their sarge, couldn’t be any more different to each other. Trjn was born a soldier, he’d seen fighting from Nar’Shaal to Abrose IV. He was relatively tall muscular and used few words to belay his thoughts. He could find his way in any battlefield and had a natural knack for spotting traps before they were sprung. For that reason, he was Fatshady’s second and the groups pointman. Plainview on the other hand was born into money. A scholar born and raised, joining the marines to better understand the complexities of battlefield trauma, and to perhaps meet a glorious doom that could be written of in tomes and emblazoned across pillars in the hall of warriors. All things considered, however, he was an excellent fighter. He was meticulous and mathematical in his approach to death. While most soldiers would shoot the closest thing to them, Plainview would toy with his enemy, putting them at the greatest disadvantage as a unit, rather than trying to take them down one by one. It was a macabre art, painted in blood, sweat and tears of the fallen. “Well, i’m sure we’ll find out soon enough” Jimu replied, almost to himself, whilst toying with the ornate bronze Eagle-headed hilt of his vibro-sword.

Another voice came from the doorway behind Jimu, along with several footsteps. “Soon enough often comes sooner than you think”. Jimu didn’t have to turn around to see who it was. “Officer on deck” Jimu bellowed, the men immediately tightening formation and snapped to attention as Jimu span on his heels to salute the Lord Marshall. Serrels was closely followed by his loyal puppy, Tadmod, as per usual – but a third robed figure walked along side the Lord Marshall. Someone he was not familiar with, nor any of the men for that matter. How was it possible to be at crusade for so long and not know almost everyone aboard the ship? Especially this individual. Something about him just wasn’t right in the most soul-chilling of ways . “At ease gentlemen” Said the Lord Marshall Strange cleared her throat “And gentlewomen” Serrels said with a grin.

The Lord Marshall and Field Marshall both walked around to the head of the table, whilst the stranger stood to the side of the room just behind them, hood still covering his face and bodily features. A walking rug, Jimu mused to himself. The sergeants gaze was quickly snatched away when Serrels began to speak.

“We have a problem” he began as he picked up a remote control from the table and started to manipulate the buttons. The GCL ship came into view on the wall-sized screen behind them. It was a floating hulk. Derelict and scared from a battle perhaps not that long past. “The ship has been positively identified as the GCL Cruiser Lords Grace. As you can see, she is a mess. The fleet she was with has abandoned her, no other vessels are in the vicinity.” “Easy Pickings” replied Jimu. “We can just go right in and come out with the information we need from the ships computers without any problems” “If only that were true” Interjected Tadmod. “Shortly after coming out of ludicrous speed, we intercepted a distress signal originating from the ship. Audio only” Tad hit a switch on the table in front of him. The Message came through. Static only at first, then the message came clearly.

Order more guns with the funds brought by queens Order more guns with the funds brought by queens Order more guns with the funds brought by queens

The assembly of soldiers all listened keenly, intensely confused by the message. It made no sense to any of them. What could it possibly mean?

Sughly was the first to get it. “O.M.G.W.T.F.B.B.Q – ahhhhhh feth it!” “What the hell is that meant to mean” NotoriousR said, perhaps even more confused than he was a moment ago. “Fething Trolls, that’s what it means” Jimu snorted. “Feth them all to hades!” “What, as in ‘i live under a bridge and eat your goats’ trolls? Who gives a rats tail, we’ll smoke whatever gets in our w-OUCH!” NortoriousR was cut short by Fatshadys meaty hand clipping the back of his head. “Shut up and let the Marshall continue”

“Thank you corporal” Serrels said as the line quitened down again. “Yes, Trolls.” “For those of you that are fortunate enough to have never come across a Troll before, they are despicable space faring creatures that float through the void and consume whatever they come across. They are a minor annoyance to our cause, but still they are not to be underestimated. All it would take is for one to get aboard and we’d be soon overrun. They quickly self-reproduce and are both vicious and quite insane. Combine that with the fact that the average Troll is six feet tall and practically raw muscle and claws and you have one mean adversary.” “Isn’t standard protocol for Troll nests to purge on sight? We have more than enough firepower to vaporise them safely from here” Inquired Jimu, already knowing what the Lord Marshal was about to say “Usually, but this was an important ship to the GCL. It has a data library on board with information on the fleet, destination and cargo.” “Of course it does.” Jimu’s scarred face twisted into something resembling a smirk. “If it’s so important why didn’t they destroy the ship themselves to prevent us from getting the data?” “They know how much closer we’re getting. Their ships outnumber ours 10 to one, but don’t have the long range firepower we do. This means they would have had to have spent time on a sustained and concentrated attack on the cruiser, which in turn would have put the rest of the fleet exposed to infestation by the Trolls” “Ok, i get it now – so we’re the suicide squad that has to go in and get that data before the new occupants accidentally trash the systems too much?” “Affirmative” “Sounds like a party to me, what do you say, men?”

A wall of sound that the reverberated off the war room’s walls as the soldiers cheered and clanged their weapons against their armor and the steel grating of the floor. The Lord Marshals face remained as stern as ever as he raised his hand for silence. “There’s more” “Feth it, there’s always more” Puppylicks exclaimed. “More’s fine by me – more to crush beneath my steel” Fatshady said, stroking his massive Two-handed Electro-hammer “Hmm.. yes.. and more opportunities for me to have to sew an arm back onto one of you sorry sons of Hasslehoff” sighed Dr What. Serrels ignored them and continued “Ships of importance in a GCL fleet always carry a Preacher on board, as a guardian” “What in Hades name is a Preacher?” asked Jamesmag “It’s a Psycher. You know, a human born with special powers. Only instead of being born into normal society, they’re born into the company of fanatics and are taught to believe they hold the powers of Christ and are anointed to use these powers to fight the enemies of their God for the good of human kind. Or so they say” Explained Sughly. “Sughly always delivers. But man i hate Psychers. Mutants and scum that’s all they are” Trjn said, spitting at the ground, as if it were all his pure concentrated hate. “I have to agree, sir” said Strange, finally adding her own voice to the fray. “I’m as much up for a fight as any of these mouth breathers here, but how are we means to fight a Preacher? Even with our numbers it’ll fry us all for sure.” “I have a feeling that’s where our unknown friend in the robe comes in” Jimu said, eying off the stranger, whom had yet to move even an inch or mutter a single word since entering the room. “Perceptive as ever, Sergeant” Serrels said, cracking a slight smile for the first time. “Lady and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce Zorine Te, an agent lent to us from the ASO group” The Lord Marshall motioned the figure to come to his side.

Through the robes it was hard to make out, but there was no mistaking the grace with which the figure moved, looking almost as if it was floating on air rather than walking. “Wait. ASO? As in the Allure Special Operations Groups? But they’re… they’re…” Trjn fumbled over the last words. “Psychers” Jimu snarled. It would seem the feeling he had gnawing at the back of his neck wasn’t the ship they were about to board, but rather their secret passenger. “How long has he been among us, unknown, strolling the corridors and invading our nightmares?”

The Lord Marshall was about to answer the sergeant, but Zorine Te got in first. “She, Sergeant, how long has she been a burden upon your very living soul” Slender hands slid from within the figures sleeves as she began to remove her hood. It fell back along with the rest of the robes revealing a tall and slender black clad sihloette of what was most certainly a woman, only accentuated by the flashing red lights and shimmer of the disco ball that still slowly spun, suspended from the ceiling. Her hair was black as raven night and tied back in a ponytail, as if daring her enemies to grab hold of it and strike home the deathblow. Her black body suit had thin slits in it in certain spots over her body, exactly where the main arteries would be contained under her pale skin, as if to tempt blade to draw blood and bleed her dry. The top half of her face was covered by a mask as black as her body suit, except for a red line the went across both eyes from top to bottom. Her lips bore no make up, yet were almost as distracting as her eyes. Her mis-matched eyes. One hazel, one a deep brown, both centered with pits of pure black that if you stared to long could transfix you and draw you in. You could look upon her face and soon after be dead where you stand and never even know. A belt around her waist carried two blood-red daggers and a wicked looking pistol none of them had seen the likes of before. But perhaps most striking were the two katana fastened to her back. It too was jet black, minus for the edge of the blade which was green and looked wet with venom. “Not really practical armor, is it?” Said Puppylicks, not really realizing what she was. Jimu, however, knew exactly what he was looking at. So did Trjn, and he was the first to get a word in. “Fething Soul Consumer!” He said drawing his own knife from his waist, as if it would do him any good.

Before anyone else could even move, Zorine Te seemed to vanish into thin air, only to reappear behind Trjn. Before anyone could say or do anything she has already kicked a leg out from underneath the private, bringing him to his knees as she brought her own dagger to bear at his throat. Everyone was stunned and frozen on the spot in sheer shock of the haste of her attack. “I much prefer the term Harlequin” she whispered in his ear, her lips close enough to his ear that he could feel the warmth of the blood the flowed beneath their surface. “You’d do well to remember that…” She trailed off for a moment, almost seemingly lost in thought. She moved her face around in front of his “But i suppose i’ll let you call me Harli. As a token of my appreciation for your warm welcome”

“Enough!” Lord Marshall Serrels finally interrupted. “I will not have squabbling aboard my vessel!” Te smiled and let Trjn go and slowly walked back to the Lord Marhsals side, still moving calmly and elegantly as if nothing were amiss. Jamesmag tried to help Trjn to his feet, but he angrily shrugged him off and stood up himself.

The assembled soldiers were right to feel trepidation at this new development. Harlequins, or Soul Consumers as some had come to know them, were indeed dangerous creatures. Perhaps more so than the Preacher they were moments ago so loathe to face. Not only were they powerful weavers of psychic energies, they were master assassins, spies and combatants. Everything about a Harlequin spoke death and disarray.

“She has been with us for the entire journey, in stasis to conserve her strength.” Serrels explained. “She will be of no harm to any of you, and i expect her to be treated the same as any other member of my crew.” “Man, there’s always got to be SOMEBODY in stasis. If this were a movie some strange Alien creature would burst out of her right now” Said NotoriousR, trying to aleviate the tension. “Hey.. watch what you cann strange” Strange said, shooting him a look.

“So what’s the plan, then?” Jimu said, seemingly just wanting to get back down to business. “You will be using a breaching vessel which we will launch from a distance safe for the rest of us here. About 5 standard clicks out. ” Serrels began. “We’ll be sitting ducks at that distance, they’ll blast us back to Hades” Fatshady interrupted. “Not so. Trolls are simple beings and wouldn’t be able to work out how to use any of the ships batteries even if they tried. Besides, long range scans show that the weapons systems are severely damaged, possibly from the initial Troll attack.”

Tadmod stepped forward, punching a sequence into the table console. The disco ball disappeared into the ceiling and was replaced with a projector. A 3D image of the Lords Grace appeared between the officers and the soldiers, all of it’s corridors and inner workings laid out in before them, section by section. “Once you make hull breach, you will work your way down the main corridor before splitting into two groups. The corridors are far too small for a eleven man squad to be effective in onc concentrated area. You will then proceed in a pincer maneuver towards the cathedral located here” The bisection of the ship zoomed and highlighted several elements. Blue for the path the two squads will make, and red for the destination area. “I won’t lie to you, but as you can see it will be quite a hike to the cathedral from your breach point. Almost a kilometer. Expect to meet heavy resistance from the Trolls.” “Why not just drop us closer to the Cathedraln then?” Jimu asked. “The ship is unstable in most areas – if you do not make break within ten metres of your designated point, you run the risk of breaking completely through the ships hull and starting a chain reaction. Needless to say the resulting fireball would be quite spectacular and fatal.” “Of course. We wouldn’t want that, would we?” “No. I assure you, you wouldn’t” TadMod replied, not sensing the sarcasm in Jimu’s tone.

Trjn raised his hand rather than talking out of line again. He seemed a little more sheepish, yet equally defiant when he spoke. “Sir, you said eleven man sqaud. Where does Sir-Eats-Alot over there fit into this?” “Glad you asked, private.” TadMod answered. “She will be your support. Once you make breach, she will move separately from the rest of you. Te will have a 20 second head start and will be traveling through the ducts in the ship to locate any Preacher that may or may not be aboard before any of you have the unpleasantness of finding it yourselves.”

With that the schematic disappeared and the Lord Marshal stepped forward again. “Alright, are we clear on the plan?” “Yes sir” Jimu answered for his men. “Good – prepare your men. We launch in twenty minutes precisely”

With that the Lord Marshall turned and left, followed by both Te and TadMod.

The soldier’s mess hall was a wall of noise and pungent odors. Dozens of rows of rectangular steel tables and benches spread out somewhat haphazardly throughout the room, with the kitchen on the far side looking as though a bomb filled with food scraps had gone off within it. Lunch time in the mess was not for the feint of heart. Hugo the barbarian sat at the head of one of the tables, wearing naught but his issued underwear, regaling the ‘green’ recruits with tales of his conquests in between mouthfuls of meat and beer. On another table sat the ships “Panzerkrank” squad, elite warriors who had been wounded in battle so many times over that their pallid and scarred flesh was fused with mechanical implants, enhancements and life support systems. The men, if they could still be reffered to as such, were walking mechanical gods among the regulars.

On the opposite side of the room, tucked into a corner, a table of four soldiers played a game of 10 card suicide – a game spawned of boredom in deep space by pirates, smugglers and other unmentionables. Using regular rules it was a game of ‘last man standing’ with ten cards, numbered one to ten ,laid face down in a deck. Each player would try to trick their way into winning a hand, with a heavy emphasis on lying and cheating. The downside being that if one was caught cheating, all called out for lying and proven guilty, they were executed then and there at the table. The soldiers aboard the Kotaku, however, had a far more civil and less fatal version. If punching each other in the face could be called civil, that is.

“I have an eight” Private Fatshady said, matter of factly, keeping his card concealed from the group. The heavy weapons specialist was a behemoth of a man, easily a head taller than anyone else at the table, with muscles throughout his body that were surely wrought of iron. It was often joked that his mother had spawned him from an erotic late night encounter with locomotive. Private Blaghman stood up dramatically, hurling an accusing finger in the direction of Fatshady. “OBJECTION!!!” The small crowd that had begun to huddle around the table fell deathly silent. “This man is cheating!” Fatshady’s face cracked into a smirk “Why you gunna put me on trials like that, dawg?” Blaghman threw his card down in a dramic display. An Eight. “Looks like he’s got you there, big guy” Private Strange interjected. “The jibs up” Strange, one of the few enlisted female soldiers on the Kotaku, was like the ‘mum’ of the vessel. The soldiers always treated her with respect and admiration, if not for her caring nature, then for the foot-shaped imprint she’d leave in their cheek for crossing her. Fatshady looked over to Strange, still smiling. “Nah, shorty, you know how i roll” he said as his meaty fingers laid his card on the table. An eight. “I be inclined to reckon” Fatshady started “that i aint the cheat here, boy”. He stood and moved around to meet Blahman, who had suddenly turned pale and started to quiver. “Dawg, you are as bad a liar as they come, don’t think you could play me. I knew.” With that, Fatshady grabbed Blaghman by the shoulder and lifted him off the gound, shaking him with what seemed to be little to no excersion on himself. The smile returned to Fatshady’s face as cards began to spill out of Blaghman’s pockets and sleeves. He then lowered the quivering soldier to his feet again. “H… How???” Blaghman stammered “Look around, bro, what do you see?” Fatshady inquired. “We’re all in singlets and you’re the only son-of-a-feth in a jacket!” Bish finally piped up from his seat at the table. “It’s gotta be at least 30 fethin’ degrees in here!” “Sorry love, we all knew” Strange added “we just wanted to see how long you could last” “Sorry pal, you loose” Fatshady said, drawing his ham of a fist back, readying his vitory blow. Blaghman closed his eyes and awaited his fate, but it didn’t come.

“All right ladies, it’s time to stop playing house and get to some fighting!” Every soldier in the mess dropped what they were doing immediately and quickly scrambled into rank and file. “You all make me sick!” Sergeant Jimu said coldly as he walked down the line, looking at each of the men. Some of them were covered in their lunches, from a food fight that had broken out earlier, others were wearing little more than their underwear. One soldier even appeared to be wearing a ladies skirt. Jimu just shook his head, afterall he did pity the men in a way. They were trained killers, and they had been forced to sit around this god forsaken ship for months twiddling their thumbs. It was only natural for bordom to set in. Food fights and cross-dressing were welcome compared to an all out mutiny.

“We’ve found a GCL ship not far from our position…” Jimu was cut off by a sudden wall of noise as the men cheered and banged their fists against tables. He raised hi hand to hush them. Once the men were silent, he continued. “This will be an all out assault, i want all of you geared up in five…”

Jimu was cut off again, mid sentance, as his comms unit hissed into life.

“Sergeant Jimu, come in” The Lord Marshalls coice was unmistakable. “What the feth now?” Jimu thought to him self as he raised the comms umit to his mouth “I read you, sir, go ahead” “Change of plans Jimu, there’s been a… complication” “what kind of complication?” “Round up a specialist quad of 10 men, all geared up for close quarters combat and meet me in the war room, i’ll explain when you arrive”

Jimu could already see the excitement fading in many of the soldiers eyes as they realised that they probably wouldn’t get to see any action, with such a small quad being asigned to whatever task the Lord Marshal had in mind. It wasn’t fair to any of them, they all deserved the glory of battle. “Yes sir” Jimu replied, obvious concern in his voice. “Serrells out” the Lord marshal replid. The comms unit fizzed back to silence.

Eleven months in deep space, trapped on this god forsaken ship. The crew were starting to get anxious as rumors spread that perhaps our quarrel has escaped our grasp.

“Not yet” Lord Marshall Serrels found him self saying aloud. “…Not yet…”

The aging Marshall looked up from the reports laid out in front of him, his eyes strained from hours of reflection. The air was cold in the war room, and the gray adamantium reinforced walls walls did little to warm his spirts. But then again, he though to himself with a bemused grin, a war room isn’t designed with comfort in mind.

He stood from his chair slowly, Field Marshall Tadmod – his second in command, looking up from a digitalised map of the Zetta Cluster as he rose.

“Something amiss, my lord?”

“No… no… i just grow weary of this cat and mouse chase” replied Serrels, stretching his back out as if he’d been sitting for days.

“We’ll have them soon, my lord” Tadmod assured, “The Galactic Christian Lobby can’t hide forever, we will find the R18-Plus and bring it back home, for the good of the people. They can’t hide forev..”

“Lord Marshall, we’ve found them!” the intercom system interrupted Tadmod just short of finishing and seemed to give him somewhat of a jolt, flustering him for a brief moment.

Serrels strode purposefully across to the intercom system on the far wall, pressing a small green button to reply. “Report Lieutenant Dawdle” “An GCL cruiser has been appeared on the long range scanners, just 300,000 clicks from our current postion” “Is it alone?” “It appears to be sir” Serrels paused for a moment, this didn’t feel right. Not at all. “Sir?” “Set the ship on alert, we’ll meet this thing head on and anyone or anything the bastard holds. Meet me on the bridge and have Sergeant Jimu meet us there. Serrels out”

Serrels turned to see Tadmod already rising from his chair. For all the years he had know the man, he still marveled at his sheer stature. The man was a leviathon, easily 7 feet tall, yet he moved with a grace unlike any had seen before. The man was no warrior, but as a great thinker he had come to rely upon him in even the most dire of circumstances. An expert tactician, an economical thinker and most of all an honest and resolute man. “Well then, sir..” started Tadmod as he strolled effortlessly toward the Lord Marshall, a smile cracking accross his face “…we best be off, duty calls and so forth” “That it does, old friend. That it does”

The Dreadnought class starship Kotaku was a technological marvel, even by Allure Alliance standards. All the latest in military technology could be found here – rendered beautifully, yet functional. Her crew was 10,000 strong, all loyal to the cause. Armed with the advanced weaponry and a core drive powered by 3 flux capacitors, she was also the quickest and most destructive ship of her size.

The bridge was abuzz with activity when the Marshall’s arrived. Sergeant Jimu and lieutenant Dawdle already present and quickly snapped into a salute upon their entrance. “Commander on deck!” Dawdle exclaimed loudly “At ease” Serrels said as he and Tadmod returned their formality.

Never had the Lord Marshall seen an odder pair standing side by side. The lieutenant was a beautiful young woman, fresh from the academy, service in the family blood line for centuries. She was slighly off-centre with a happy disposition, and always seemed to have a cup of liquid stimulant in her hand. Serrels often wondered if that was all there was keeping that smile on her face, what with her extended hours over the course of their search. Jimu, on the other hand, was a veteran of countless battles, with a map of scars to prove it. While he was known to joke now and then, his constant stone expression made it hard to tell exactly WHEN it was that he was joking. That aside, he was a fearless leader of men and knew his soldiers thoughts and fears better than they ever could. He was one of the few men the Lord Marshall would trust with his life during the heat and chaos of a firefight.

Lord Marshall Serrels took his spot in the command chair. The man was imaculate in his white officers uniform, only he didn’t wear his medals or flashy ranking pins like other Allure Alliance officers, and discouraged his subordinates to do the same. By his reckoning he and his men were equals, all entitled to their own thoughts and didn’t see the need to separate himself from them. They were, after all, his men and women.

He ran his hand back through his thick fiery red mane of hair and sat back for a moment before addressing his crew. “How long?” he asked quite simply. “Two hours, sir” replied Dawdle. “Are we sure it’s on it’s own?” “Yes sir, there isn’t another ship in sight. Also, it seems to be powered down, with only basic life support operating.” Dawdle paused, somewhat troubled by the fact. “It’s quite peculiar, is it not?” “It’s a trap” Jimu said flatly “I am inclined to agree with you there, Sergeant” replied Serrels. “Then what do we do?” inquired Tadmod, already knowing the response he would receive “We spring it” replied Serrels, a wild grin spreading across his face as he rose, once again. “Jimu, gather ‘The Regulars’, you’re going in” Jimu’s face cracked something resembling a smile, and his eyes widened in anticipation. “It will be done, my lord” With that, Jimu snapped another salute to the Marshal’s before striding out of the bridge with an air of purpose about him.

“Lieutenant Dawdle – full ahead, the R18plus will soon be back in Alliance hands”

“SIR!” Dawdle said excitedly, almost spilling the black ichor-like substance of her cup as she twisted around and skipped off to her post, forgetting all formality in her eagerness to do something more than read over reports and scan systems all day.

The atmosphere was electric. The old Marshall could smell the excitement on the air. Without a hint of trepidation, his crew went about their business….

It was a long journey, but finally he was home.

Another son of Scotland back in his birthing place. The air blew cold up his kilt and the sky was dim, but damned if it wasn’t good to be home.

Mark Serrels took a deep breath in, and exhaled loudly.

“I tell ye what, woman – this be the land of dreams” Mark said to his lovely wife, Heizy, whilst expanding his arms out wide, taking in the scenery.

But an old town and some broken roads is all Heizy could see, and the cold chilled her to the very core.

“Yeah, great” she said “but i swear, if you call me woman one more time, i’ll jam the next sheep we see straight up your kilt”

“Sorry, sweetheart” Mark quickly corrected “It’s tha homeland – she makes a maan do strange things” “Yeah – well remember, next time and strange things will be done to you” “Love you too” Mark said smiling

The pair walked the long streets of Haggisville, hand in hand, taking in the sites on their way to their hotel room, so they could offload their luggage. There were mighty trees in the middle of walkways, buildings hundreds of years old, and great statues that all seems to have a man in a kilt doing something horrible to and Englishman. It sent a chill down Heizys spine, but Mark beemed with glee more and more with each landmark they passed.

“Look wo- er, ah mean hunny” Mark said pointing excitedly to a dark alleyway. “‘At’s where i kicked me first Englishman – ah dhose were tha days” “Riiight.. hey do you think we could stop into that cafe? My feet are killing me and i think i need a coffee to warm me up” Heizy asked before adding so quietely only she could hear “and stop me from murdering you”

Mark looked over at the old cafe, smiled and nodded. “Sure ting, sweetheart – they make some great coffee”. Mark Rubbed his hands together “so full of grog ya Wilnae be able to see fa days”

The pair began walking over to the cafe before a deep, throaty voice stopped them in their tracks.

“McSerrels!! Ah thought ah tellt ye ne’er tae come back ‘ere again.”

“Shiet” Mark said under his breath before turning slowly.

The other man stood halfway down the street, walking slowly towards them, drawing a large sword from the scabbard at his side. He was a beast of a man, and ugly as sin. His red hair and pale skin seemed to shimmer in even the low light the day had provided. His kilt swayed in the breeze as he approached the pair, stopping a few meters away from them.

“McDougal” Mark said, a sneer on his face. “Whats a McDougal” Heizy asked, squeezing marks arm – her gaze transfixed on the stranger. Mark said nothing.

“Ye know th’ rules – thare kin ainlie be too!” The beefy man sid

“Two? What are ye talkin’ bout? What happened to one?”

“Ye ‘n’ ah baith know we cannae murdurr Sean McConnory, McSerrels – so we’ll huv tae settle fur too”

Heizy interupted, this time stepping in front of Mark for an answer “Did he just call you ‘McSerrels’ and call Sean Connory ‘Sean McConnory’? And WHY has he got a SWORD? What is this? Highlander?”

Both Mark and McDouglas burst out into thick laughter – McDouglas was the first to respond.

“Ye need tae train yer wifie better McSerrels – she seen tae mony movies. Highlanders ur fairytales. Na, lass. We be Lowlanders!”

“And the can be only one” Mark said

“Too!”

“Sorry… Two… apparently. Also, just so you know, Mc is an old word we all use, but some of us choose ta drop et when we get ta foreign lands” “What does it mean exactly?” “Fuck the English” “Of course it does…”

Mark put down his suitcases and reached into one that extraordinarily long and pulled out a sword of his own

“WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!” Heizy exclaimed, leaping back a fraction “Ma bag – of course”

Heizy rubbed her head – she was getting a tremendous headache from all the commotion and trying to work out just the hell what was going on. “ok – forget this” She said “i’m going to get my coffee and you two can sort your own crap out – but if you get killed, i swear to god i’ll be going to the Bed Bath and Beyond without you!” With that she stored off towards the coffee shop.

The two men faced each other.

“Looks like this is et then” said Mark “Aye” came the reply. “So be it”

A moment of silence before, simultaneously, the two came at each other, swords held high.

McDougal swung low, like some sweet chariot, coming forth to carry Mark home – but at the last moment Mark leaps over the blade and came around, bringing his own sword to bare. there was a mighty clang of steel as the swords colided and a distant ding-a-ling of the cafe door opening as heizy went in, muttering something under her breath about those blasted Scots.

Mark wheeled bring his sword high and was parried, but lashed out several times more – each time he was blocked by the much larger man.

“Ah see ye haven’t yet forgotten th’ wey o’ th’ Lowlander. Ahm impressed” McDougal said mockingly before backhanding Serrels with his mighty bear-like paws.

Serrels reeled and stumbled backwards. He could taste the salty-sweetness of his own blood trickling over his split lip. McDougal moved in.

“Look, over there! An Englishman walking the streets freely” Mark yelled, pointing behind McDougal. Distracted McDougal turned. “WHERE?!” The was no Englishman, but by the time the brute had realised he felt marks knee connect with his kidneys, mashing his inside.

McDougal roared in agony and spun around, his sword following in a wide arch. Mark only narrowly managed to step back, saving his head. More swings followed. McDougal was well and truly enraged. A low slice cut across Marks left thigh. His vision swam as agony flashed through his body and he kicked out at his assailant before rolling back to gain space and breath.

“That bloody hurt, you fool!” “Tis nae meant tae tickle. A’m trying tae murdurr ye, ye know. Nothin’ Personal, o’coorse” “Of course” Mark said, regaining his composure and throwing himself at his enemy.

He could feel the warm life-fluids dribbling out of the wound in his thigh as he swung high again, aiming for his foes head. Marks ferocity increased as he screamed at the top of his lungs and let out a flurry of devastating blows that wore McDougal down, eventually bringing him to his knees – still Mark dis not let up. All McDougal could do was hold up his sword in a vain attempt to fend off marks renewed attack. He could swear Marks hair burned redder than before, almost catching aflame. He could certainly see the fire in his eyes.

With one great cry and a devastating blow Mark knocked McDougals sword out of his hand, sending it scattering across the brickwork of the steet.

Mark held his sword aloft, showing no mercy. “There can be only ONE!!” Mark bellowed “Too” McDougal corected, terror in his eyes. “SHUT – UP!” Mark screamed as he brought his sword down on McDougals neck.

His head hit the floor before his body even began to sway in the breeze.

Mark was spent. He looked down at his foe and smiled. “You’ve got red on you”

With that he walked to put his sword back in his case and started liming towards the cafe to meet his wife. “I could really do with a cuppa tea” he said to himself as he shambled forwards.

Mark would enjoy the rest of his holiday, with his woman…er…wife..