#authenticallyhonest

I am just going to start writing and let the words come out. Thank you, God, for giving me opportunities today to choose differently. Had such a great therapy session where I learned about how my perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking greatly contribute to the dramatic swing of HIGHs and LOWs in my life. I learned that there are times when I do well and I am extremely motivated, disciplined, energetic, optimistic, and making better decisions in alignment with what God wants for me. When I am in my low, it usually starts with some sort of trigger. This trigger can come from me making an unwise decision like numbing myself out with weed, believing that I will fail, and thinking that the challenge I am facing is one I cannot perfect or overcome. 

As I write this, I question and ponder the thought so…. How do I change? How do work through these moments of greatness and what seems like inevitable failure? 

I am pushing myself. I am relearning what it means to push through and to do something even when it's hard or even when I can’t do it perfectly. 

It has recently become apparent that I am addicted to my phone. It has been my safety net, and the fact that I found it so hard to let go and do something else is a wake-up call. I want to respond to this by not having my phone before bed and charging it on the other side of the room. 

I am such an ambitious person. I want to read, write, go to the gym, and be able to say I can eat clean. Wow, I didn’t even mention in that sequence that I want PEACE and God’s (plan for me, I guess) plan

. 

Another realization that I had during therapy is that God challenges me and allows me to tap into His strength. There will be times when I am feeling OVERBURDEN, Out of Breath, Defeated, or Not Good Enough. There would be a thought that comes through. This thought would SOUND CRAZY. It would be like.. “Matt just let go and give it to me”. With my current programming that thought just sounds so wild!! Why would I just let go when I feel like doing so would mean my whole world would crumble? 

The truth is… it might. However, it would reveal to me that the stuff I am trying to hold up and burden myself with doesn’t matter. They are a burden I am not meant to carry. 

Well, I guess it is never too late to lock back in... am I right? Shoutout to my boy Richard, as He gently reminded me about my writing blogs haha. As I write this, I reflect on why I did this in the first place. I can remember that transferring my thoughts from my head to "paper" has allowed me to really process authentically and honestly how I am doing. As always I find myself in a mixture of a good and bad state. While there are a lot of good things going on, I still find myself being able to pinpoint and potentially overly dwell on the negative. Transition....

I said I would be honest. Getting lit personally for me makes me want to make some unwise decisions. Not my best moment. I know this not what the Best Version of Matt God has would need to experience the true joy He is looking for.

Thanks N

I appreciate the homies forever, Ty, Jay, Nate, Scottie. 🤧

Find the treasure in the trials

God can do more in 5 minutes than I can do in hours

God works in mysterious ways

I want to learn to trust and follow God simply for who He is, not what He promises or offers.

We did it! We survived another day. After coming off a few days feeling like we want to quit, we survived. Thank you God!

Shoutout to the Therapist and God for revealing the truth amongst what felt like a thick encompassing foggy of fear and worry.

We hit legs today. And wow I never sweated more in my entire life haha. Humbling, humbling, humbling. But hey, we gotta start somewhere.

Just really proud of myself. Thank you God for amazing mom, aunt and cousin who I shared a patience testing wonderful dinner.

Well I missed posting yesterday but hey… it is all good! Not gonna allow the all or nothing perfect mentality take me out.

Yesterday was tuff! Sleep schedule be whack and I be tormented with the lies of the enemy. I genuinely wanted to give up. Fear was too much. Worries were to overwhelming. Anxiety was too real.

While I am writing after surviving what seemed impossible, I just can’t help but think about how powerful the lies must have been to hold me captive.

Like this happens a lot. I get so scared, I just don’t do anything. Yet, it seems every time I survive.

AH Challenge - Day 7

Me against me, or is it Satan against me? I am not sure. All I can say is today I just been filled with the awareness that I always seem to have a choice.

Do I chose to allow my tiredness to mean I just be lazy or do I go to the gym. Do I allow the disrespect I showed to my parents just sit or do I sincerely apologize? Do I listen to music or listen to my audio book in the car? Do I choose to dwell on what people think or simply let go?

These thoughts came into my head today and I am happy to say I was victorious with many. Notice how I didn’t say perfect.

It really is a game of thoughts for me right now. Like really pushing myself and realizing I can chose different. I can be different. I can become something different. So I guess that’s where I get the idea of me versus me. My old self and the becoming of my new self.

I want to add that God has really begun to soften my heart for other. I saw people with disabilities and elderly people and just people not in community. To see the joy and also the smiles almost the hardship reminds me how tough this world is and how I want to really see people as individuals who are just trying their best. More importantly seeing them that God really loves them.