#ateloist

[ ACT III ]

you arrive and he is already at the rendezvous point. you linger behind a tree, not visible  /  for the shadow that is your body, while he  /  fidgets  /  in the bed of flowers  /  pushing up from the snow-wet ground. another meeting, another boy in the snow, a man with a glittering  /  axe. a bright moon shines into the clearing,  /  casting shadows on all the trees, on his pale face. appear too soon  /  and you give up the game.

he holds up his hand to stop you, and you relish the sound  /  of your bare footsteps  /  as you grow closer still. this is your territory,  /  home field. you know these woods better than you know  /  your own hands. you smile.

his shrewd eyes  /  scrape over your body. he says,  “ i wasn’t sure you’d keep your promise. ”  he doesn’t expect you to play  /  fair. but you will have your opportunity  /  to subvert the rules  /  once you have him  /  on his knees.

you match that smile with one of your own, wild,  /  remorseless.  “ then you know nothing. i always  /  keep my promises. ”  like you always uphold  /  your end of any bargain, your half  /  of a deal, no matter how you twist it.

o’ GOD OF WISHES, GOD OF WATER, GOD OF COINS BURIED IN  /  PILES AT THE BOTTOM OF WELLS, you have nothing to offer to  /  and nothing to take away from  /  this boy, which puts you in the position of least  /  power. are you  /  afraid ?  oh, you should be.

you stand across the clearing  /  from him, too far  /  to reach. imagine a war table  /  stretching between you, high-backed chairs, attendants in sharp boots. imagine an opponent with a shred  /  of civility. the red sunset pushes through the trees, and a light snow  /  begins to fall, covering your still  /  feet. you study him, not in a fleeting  /  glance, but in a large, laborious moment, notice the way his lip  /  curls as he beholds you.

“ all right, cards on the table, ”  says jim.  “ we can’t go on like this, in this limbo. we can’t let you go on. ”  his empty hands, your  /  empty hands. truce in action alone. you cannot see the sinking sun  /  through the tangle of trees, but it casts slatted red  /  bars  /  across you enemy, across your shadow-  /  touched hands. you do not struggle to see  /  in the dark, your eyes illuminating the world around you. with no lantern between you, no lantern  /  bearer, with no love to temper  /  your ugly soul, there is no kindness  /  in your heart  /  for this boy, no pity, no shred of  /  remorse. oh, don’t you know ?  you were lost in these woods, too, and unlike him  /  you will never be unlost. your shard  /  of a smile  /  matches his, both of you wary.

you run your dry  /  tongue  /  over sharpened teeth, pressing until you  /  draw blood. you don’t break eye contact. it stains your teeth, drips  /  onto your lips, the slow warm  /  dribble  /  on your tree-bark body. she is never coming back to you. say nothing. don’t give up the game.

“ it’s either you  /  or me, ”  he says. keep him talking. let him reveal  /  himself.

you pace  /  in the dark, allow him to think  /  you are deliberating. you trample all the flowers, all  /  the snow, turning this place into  /  a battleground. but whose victory ?

“ i am the forest, ”  you say, your voice river-  /  low. you have phantom memories  /  of a deeper baritone, a melody  /  you cannot quite  /  recover. and you are capsized  /  a boy digging his fingernails into the slick surface  /  of jutting rocks. smashed against them, again  /  and again. who was doing the singing ?   “ i am more than you can possibly imagine. in the end,  /  there is only my way. ”  another voice.  “ there is only the forest, and there is only surrender. ” 

“ i’ve seen what you are, and you’re nothing, ”  he says,  /  unfazed,  /  emboldened, even.

your body ripples, and  /  you growl, not a human sound  /  at all. your voice sounds like branches  /  cracking, splitting. if there is a boy in there somewhere,  /  he is not  /  here. he is not  /  coming home.

“ you’re just a soul in a lantern. all i really need to do is blow it out. ”

“ that’s a simplistic way of approaching it. ”  you voice flippant, full  /  of casual disregard.

“ then you won’t mind if i blow it out, surely. ”

you lace your fingers together, slowly crack every one  /  of your knuckles. the sound rings out  /  in the early night, the last birds  /  singing somewhere out of view.  “ well, what’s stopping you ?  is it, perhaps, that beatrice cares about me ?  ”

he laughs, a derisive  /  snort.  “ cares ?  i wouldn’t go that far. ”

to compensate, you  /  snarl. but something small and cold  /  lodges beneath your  /  ribs. and he sees this. he sits in the snow, on  /  the flowers, but you  /  remain standing, prowl  /  around him, the darkness gathering like a second cloak  /  around your shoulders. you watch him as the light fades, his glittering  /  eyes. he is as cruel  /  as you, you think. is he crueler ?  is that what she sees  /  in him ?

“ won’t you convince me otherwise ?  ”   he says, simple  /  curiosity in his voice.

and you say, simply,  “ no. you’ve made up your mind. ”  all that remains is to judge him, how far  /  he will go, what he won’t hesitate  /  in doing.

he considers this for a long time, not moving from his cross-legged position  /  on the flowers.

“ will you set your terms ?  ”   you say.  “ that’s why you called this  /  meeting. ”

he says,  “ i don’t think anybody’s playing by the rules anymore. ”

you gaze flickers to the forest  /  behind him, to the place where your lantern bearer is waiting to hear  /  the verdict, out of sight, out of  /  hearing. a smile :  he thinks, because you cannot  /  kill him,  /  that he has won. what a fool.

“ no, ”  you say.  “ i suppose not. or you wouldn’t be here, with me, laying out the conditions of our rivalry.

jim brushes back a lock of hair  /  and laughs, wild  /  and raw. without the lantern to keep  /  you company in the darkness, the night presses  /  around you, casts his pale face  /  in shadows. the light from your eyes  /  barely illuminates the dark before you. night birds scream  /  into the air. the night grows, darker  /  and darker,  /  but you fear no darkness that is not  /  absolute. the dark gets inside of you, sits in  /  your bones and grows  /  and grows.

“ essentially, it’s a free-for-all, ”  he says. “ unless you want to do us the ultimate favor. ”

“ do you run from a fight as easily as you expect me to ?  ”

he lays back in the flower-  /  spotted snow, reach up as though to draw  /  a snow angel. where  /  did you learn this ?  where do you remember this  /  from ?  do you call your memories  /  your own ?  he says nothing, which is as much of an answer  /  as you need.

“ you were no ordinary lost soul, ”  you say. this may be the last moment you have here  /  before you are hunted, before  /  the game tips, for  /  or against you.

we know who our enemies are. we know.

“ no, ”  he says.  “ you never had power over me. ”  and what’s left in the air :  you still don’t.  “ you know my endgame, and i think i know yours. ”  and yet his voice, so  /  hardened, takes on an almost  /  wistful quality, snow-softened.

“ i’m sorry. we know how it works. the world is no longer mysterious. ”

he says this, voice  /  soft, free, now, to draw his own  /  conclusions about you, and you about him. this is a meeting  /  of war, this tryst, this  /  truce. he will have to return to beatrice,  /  soon,  /  explain where he’s been, explain what he’s decided  /  must be done. and you are not afraid, just cold.

just sad. the sky turns gently grey, the sun still not pushing  /  above the horizon.

“ so what if i say i surrender ?  what then ?  ”  you bare your teeth, still reddened, but, of  /  course, with the long shadows, he can’t see that.

“ well, then, i guess we still have to figure out what  /  to do with you. ”

is there any version of this story  /  where you walk away ?  is there any version of this story where you take beatrice’s  /  hands,  /  and the lantern,  /  and carry on as though none of this had torn you  /  apart ?  where you reign as GOD for all eternity,  /  unchallenged in your dark  /  woods. you will never be  /  fulfilled. you will always be  /  edelwood  /  hungering, love  /  hungering. hungering for a girl with pale hands  /  and a cruel mouth.

“ then i won’t hold back. at least we’re on the same page. ”  you reach up and wipe at the crusted blood  /  on your chin.  “ so now that you’ve got me alone, what do you see when you see me ?  ”  you ask, blank-faced.

and he says,  “ something that needs to be put down. ”  a feral-eyed  /  animal, nothing worth  /  sparing. if he can get you on  /  your knees.

and you say,  “ i’ve made my verdict. what have you decided ?  ”   you want him out  /  of your forest.