#assney

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Ass sighed heavily, crossing their arms tightly over their chest.

Due to a series of wacky and unfortunate events, Courtney and Ass had their deer antlers locked together, both unable to remove their accessories for fear of forfeiting the challenge. They had been chasing Sha-mod and Mclovin for quite some time until the two idiots somehow evaded them. This left Courtney and Ass alone, deep in the woods.

“You know, I’m not exactly the most thrilled to be in this situation either, but complaining isn’t going to solve anything,” Courtney said, hoisting the paintball gun over their shoulder.

They did their best to time their steps with Ass’s, so they didn’t get too far ahead and cause their antlers to come off. It was proving to be difficult, as Ass was walking at a brisk pace.

Ass stopped suddenly, nearly causing Courtney to collide with them. They surveyed their surroundings the best they could “Where did those two go?”

“I think we lost them,” Courtney said, dejectedly handing the gun to Ass. “If I had to guess, they’re headed back to camp.”

Courtney looked around as much as they could, and pointed in the direction of a clearing.

“Which should be this way.”

“This is your fault,” Ass said quietly as the duo started walking again. They were doing their best to look daggers into Courtney’s soul, but it was only so affective with their neck craned at an odd angle.

“My fault?” Courtney repeated, exasperated. “I’m not the one who hunted down their own teammate!”

Ass sighed again. Yes, this was true. While they certainly did not like Courtney, they weren’t the one who caused them to end up like this. That crime was caused by McLovin and Sha-Mod.

“My team team is full of idiots! No wonder we keep losing. First there’s my only ally leaving me to… do whatever McLovin and Sha-Mod have going on,” Courtney said, holding up fingers as they began listing. Their voice escalated as they went on, “then Caesar refusing to do any dirty work, Mal sabotaging their own team, and you falling for her obvious manipulation!”

There was an awkward silence that followed.

“She was nice to me,” Ass finally said. Their voice wavered.

Now it was Courtney’s turn to sigh. “She can be pretty convincing. I know better than most.”

There was another beat of silence.

“Is your name actually Courtney?” Ass kicked a rock as they walked. It hit a tree and bounced off.

“Is your real name Ass? Of course not. It’s just the alias I choose to go by online. Same as you.”

Another silence.

“What’s your—“

“Don’t ask,” Ass cut off Courtney before they could finish. “I’m not going to tell you, anyway.”

“Why are so mean!?” Courtney prodded, loudly. They stopped suddenly, causing Ass to halt in their tracks as well. “I mean, jeez, what did I ever do to you?”

“I’m not mean!” Ass exclaimed, perhaps too quickly. Their antlers clacked as they rattled together. Embarrassed, they paused, then amended. “It’s— it’s not like I have a choice. I have to be.”

Courtney scoffed. Voice dripping with sarcasm, they said, “Oh my god. Okay, Edgelord, whatever you say.”

“It’s self preservation! In case you can’t tell, I’m not exactly the most sociable person,” Ass took a breath, then continued, “I mean, how could I not be? People are terrible.”

“You’re telling me,” Courtney said, quietly.

The two briefly exchanged glances, then continued walking again. Slower, this time.

“Oh, please. Like you’d know anything about that.” Ass rolled their eyes, despite their face being out of view. “You’re such a push over. And a people pleaser. I’m sure everyone back at home loves you.”

“Not everyone. Believe me, I get it.” Courtney offered a sad smile that Ass caught from the corner of their eye. “I’m not like Mclovin. He’s easy to talk to and outgoing. I don’t make friends so easily. At least you’re confident in who you are. Like you said, I’m just a pushover.”

“You’re easy to talk to,” Ass said nonchalantly, as if they didn’t realize it was a compliment. “I mean, you got me telling my whole life story here.”

“You really think so?”

“Yeah,” Ass smiled—only slightly—at Courtney.

“Sounds we have a lot in common.” Courtney said. They grabbed Ass’ wrist as they walked, causing both of them to stop in their tracks. Ass twisted their neck uncomfortably so they were looking directly at Courtney. “Maybe we could be friends.”

Courtney smiled at Ass— a full, genuine smile, that caused Ass’ face to turned red. Their ears burned hot. Ass looked down at their wrist, where Courtney was still holding on to them. They pulled their wrist away, holding it close to their chest.

“I… I…” Ass sputtered, completely at a loss for words.

“What do you say? Friends?”

Their heart fluttered in their chest. Oh no. No no no. This won’t do. They needed Courtney gone. There was no room in this competition for vulnerability. For feelings.

A noise from the bushes nearby suddenly demanded the attention of both Courtney and Ass.

This conversation would have to wait. They approached the offending bush with caution and stopped directly in front of it, two voices coming into earshot.

“I think they found us,” one of the familiar voices whispered harshly.

“I told you hiding wouldn’t work!” Another voice came from the bush. “Quick, take a sha-peek and see how close they are.”

“Why do I have to do it?”

“Because, you’re the one who got us into this mess!”

“This is your fault!”

Ass cleared their throat loudly. Mclovin and Sha-mod’s heads popped out of the bush, each looking like a deer in the headlights.

“Sha-run for it!” Sha-mod exclaimed, and the the two booked it with Courtney and Ass in hot pursuit.

“Not so fast!” Courtney yelled.

“You’re not getting away that easy!” Ass pointed the gun in the general direction of the duo, shooting indiscriminately.