#ass-kicker

Oh, no, yeah. I’ve always believed that the girls had it the wrong way ‘round and Kyle just accepted their suggestion that he liked Heidi because, well, he himself didn’t understand why he was so invested in their relationship. If he had a crush on Heidi, he could make sense of his own involvement in her love life, ya dig? It is perfectly logical, right?

What doesn’t make sense about it, though, is that Kyle has never been unaware or unsure about having a crush on a girl before. Don’t believe me? Well, take a stroll with me now down the memory lane of Kyle’s crushes, if you will, and you will see what I mean...

First we have Rebecca, and Kyle knew from day one that he like-liked her. She was obviously wicked smart, and he was smitten by her. (It also helped that she “really was quite good-looking,” enough to write a song about.) She beat his ass at the spelling bee fair and square, and he was immediately like... “Respect.” He seemed to know his interest in her was romantic, since he wanted to serenade her with a guitar and give her flowers and all of that Hollywood romance junk he likely copied from TV. He wanted to go over to her house to talk with her, and he let her do whatever she wanted with him just so he could spend time with her. It was a very juvenile, Baby’s First Crush kind of thing; but it was still a legitimate crush. Nobody ever had to tell him what he was feeling, nor did he ever have to ask himself, “Hm... Do I? Don’t I?” Kyle was fully aware of his own feelings, and acted on them without preamble. He knew what he wanted, and without anyone telling him either. Unlike with Heidi, when he didn’t know and did have to be told.

Next we have Nichole. This is a little bit different from Kyle’s last crush since he only showed feelings for Nichole once he thought she was into him. It could be that he was attracted to her even before that, though. Maybe he was kind of trying to ignore his feelings for this pretty cheerleader at first, thinking he didn’t have a shot with her; but when he saw a sign that she liked him too, he decided he had a chance. You could see an immediate change in him. He didn’t have to ask himself, “Am I into her too?” He knew straight away that he very much was. It was actually adorable watching the high enthusiasm he bounded around with, trying to find out more about her and figure out how to ask her out. He was so excited when he was told she likes basketball, just like him, and he was totally stoked on their date. You could see there was no doubt in his mind. In fact, he had to be told by another person not to like her - rather than be told by other people that he did like her - when Cartman pointed out to Kyle that Nichole was already with Token and he would be breaking up a nice thing if he didn’t quit pursuing her. There was no uncertainty or outside influence in his crush on her.

Last we have Leslie. True, she kind of had, like, manipulative powers, being an Ad; so there’s room to argue whether Kyle’s crush was legitimate when he was simply brain-washed by her like everyone else. Still, Kyle knew he wanted to be this girl’s Nice, White, Jewish Knight. He wanted to protect her from harm. He wanted to hold her close. No one else told him, “Go take care of Leslie, it’s what you want.” He just already had that urge because of what he (or rather, his dick) was feeling for her. He was sure about what he wanted with her; he was so sure that he ditched his friends to run off and hide with her while he figured out a plan to make her safe. With Leslie, you could tell Kyle’s feelings were a “!” (until she was revealed, that is). While with Heidi, you could see Kyle’s feelings were a “?”

Now you’ve seen how he was with his other crushes, how does that make you feel about his “crush” on Heidi? Isn’t it strange that this boy who has never had to be told before “You like this girl” to know it, suddenly had to be told just that? Isn’t it odd that this boy who has never had to ask himself before “Do I like this girl?” to be sure of it, suddenly had to ask himself just that? I don’t know about you, but I’m not buying it.  

Does this look like the face of a boy who’s confident in his feelings, or confused?

Isn’t it also strange that Kyle’s interactions with Heidi were not focused on Heidi? He didn’t sing to her with a guitar, he didn’t play games she wanted to appease her, he didn’t run around the school happily when he felt like he had a shot with her, he didn’t ask her friends about her interests so he could take her out on the perfect date... In fact, we didn’t even really see Kyle talk to Heidi about her at all, unless it was about her involvement with...

Cartman.

Yup. If you ask me, that is the element of Heidi’s relationship that Kyle was really invested in from the start. It was always about Cartman. It was just easier to say, “I have a crush on Heidi,” however, than for Kyle to admit he has this obsession with Cartman. So when the girls gave him that out, Kyle took it. That’s how I feel.

Just look at when Cartman confronted Kyle about stealing Heidi away from him. Kyle’s arguments weren’t about her at all. They were about Cartman. He didn’t say to Cartman, “She wasn’t happy.” He didn’t say, “Both of you weren’t happy.” No, what he said was, "You weren’t happy.” It’s almost as if Cartman’s feelings were the only ones which mattered to him. Wow. He went on to say, “All you did was bitch about her all the time,” as if he was trying to make him see that he did him a favour, as if he was implying that he took Heidi for Cartman’s sake. Not for his sake. Not for her sake. Cartman’s.

Because of all this, I am fully convinced that Kyle’s intervention in Cartman and Heidi’s relationship had nothing to do with any confused feelings for Heidi that he could put an acceptable name to, and everything to do with all his confusing feelings for Cartman that he couldn’t put an acceptable name to.

That’s just a theory though... A gay theory. [Puts on sunglasses and finger-guns]

Anyway... Poor Kyle, huh? He’s been so unlucky in love. I just hope that one day he’ll find someone who has all the same things he liked about those girls that got away.

Someone like Rebecca, who can challenge him, and mentally stimulate him...

Someone like Nichole, who shares his interests, and he can enjoy being with...

Someone like Leslie, who he wants to be there for, and protect with his life...

You shouldn’t misuse your powers to be gay, Kyle, you’re in a crisis. uwu

Okay, so! I’m super excited because my beautiful darling @crygooey is working on this lovely little AU called END PARK (Click the title for a link to the start of the story) where “Four boys from a small town in Colorado try to save the world while playing a video game.”

I mean, yeah, I’m down for it.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Their dates in high school consist of talking about how much they hate Cartman, and their favourite pastime when they’re married with kids is storming PTA meetings with their liberal agendas.

Summary: Eric somehow wakes up in bed after passing out at the park, and the explanation for this magic trick wakes up next to him.

(This is a reinvention of the scene from S16E04 Jewpacabra. What if Kyle hadn't gone home after tucking Eric in?)