#askmulder

She holds William against her shoulder, his body heavy against her shaking hands. Soft puffs of air hits her still sensitive skin. The hair on his head tickles her collarbone as he leans into her crooked form, buries his head into her neck.

She looks out, out through the window. She's convinced she can still feel the mingled steam coming out of the bathroom-- proof that he was there, that it was him, his.  

She shifts to the side, closes her eyes.

Any minute now.

Any minute now, the car will be gone. 

you are everything i cannot se as the ocean crawls onto the shoreline so you lap at the edges of me

She never realized just how large a part he had in her life until he was gone.

                                                     (that's a lie. she always has. she always will.)  There are signs. Everywhere, anywhere. They may not see them, but she does. 

William looks like him.

                                (she finds herself hoping Mulder still remembers his face.)

can i begin another day  whilst this old day is still alive  refusing to be put away 

They exchange e-mails. She writes things she never imagined saying. Not in a million years. 

She pretends not to consider it as her last chance.

But she yearns. She yearns in ways she didn't know existed. 

William isn't enough. She looks at him, and all she can think of is Mulder.

She looks at her miracle, at what is supposed to be her world, and all she can feel is the sharp outlines of her hollow chest, the breath caught in her throat.

It's not enough. She's not enough.  

i think last night you were driving circles around me 

She looks down at the crib and realizes what she has to do. William smiles, curls around her hand. She knows.

Probably always has. 

But the words are harsh. She doesn't dare pronounce them, afraid her voice will crack.  

Reyes stands behind her, respectfully quiet. She knows, too.

but love is not a victory march it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

Her tears taste like heavy salt. She grasps after something to hold onto, her fingers weak, thin. He's there. It's him, and it's, it's--

She can feel his heart beat.