#ask-kat

Congrats on the new job (and the good things it may bring)!

Starting a new thing - even if you are totally prepared/qualified/etc. - can be stressful; even if that new thing is going to be good for you! And those first couple of days/weeks/months in a new job are always the worst for creating feelings of uncertainty. So yeah, it makes total sense that your anxiety is on the upswing; but sorry to hear that anyway.

I don’t know exactly how you function, but I know that for my partner (who also deals with anxiety) having a plan is often the best way to help work through some of that. Does your new position have a formal onboarding/training schedule? Do you have a clear daily task list? Are there ways that you can organize your day to give it a little more structure? All of those could be helpful ways to give you a greater sense of order and control which might help you feel a little calmer about the new role.

I think it’s also really important to have some kind of routine of coming/going to work that allows you to set work aside and clear your mind. For me, that’s sort of built in with my long commute. I listen to music or sometimes the news (the latter of which is probably anxiety inducing), and try and not think at all about work for the first half of the drive in or the last half of the drive home. I also generally do a good job of trying not to answer/read any work emails outside of work hours. Sometimes it’s a necessity, but I try not to make it a habit.

Beyond that, I think it’s always helpful to have a professional mentor. It could be someone in your workplace or another person you know who you can bounce questions off of, and seek advice/support from. It’s especially of benefit if you’re new to a particular career; but at all points in my own job path I’ve had really good conversations with various mentors that have helped to solidify decisions or push me in new directions when I’ve felt stuck or confused.

That’s awesome that your partner is being supportive!

I totally get you about the lack of visibility/voices/narratives of couples who stay together through the coming out process. When I first was working through this process, Helen Boyd’s books and the My Husband Betty boards were really helpful to me (though they may feel more dated now, not sure, it’s been a little while since I revisited them). That helped me to gain some confidence in how I wanted to approach things, and from there it’s just been a lot of conversations, and then patience as we both navigate this, and then more conversations, and then some more. It’s definitely not always easy, but it’s been well worth it.

I do know some other trans folks (personally) who stayed together after coming out, but there aren’t a ton of blogs/resources that I follow closely right now dealing with that relationship portion of things and couples that stay together. As you said it tends to be less dramatic of a news story, so it doesn’t get as much media coverage - for better or worse.

These stories are important, though, and it’s been really valuable for me to get perspectives from other couples (and from various perspectives within those relationships) on how to navigate this stuff. And I will say, it’s been heartening to see how that has evolved - and how many trans/genderqueer/non-binary folks are open and out well before they’re even entering into relationships.

I recently picked up Love Always, which came out a year or two ago, just haven’t gotten around to reading it yet. I’ll try and write something up on it when I get to it.

Big hugs, sorry to hear that. Looking for jobs, at least in my experience, has been a really draining process. Hope things improve for you soon on that front.

When I first graduated from college I had every intention of becoming a teacher. Seemed like a great fit and a safe job field to go into. I completed my program, did my student teaching, got a temp job as a substitute paraprofessional and then applied to a bunch of jobs in a couple of different states. Then, *crickets*. It probably didn’t help that I finished my schooling in 2008...right at the height of the Great Recession, but it was a really disheartening experience. After a couple of gigs of various types in the education world, I eventually got a call back from a former boss in college and made my way into the higher education administration work that I’m doing now. It’s never what I had planned on for a career, but I’ve been doing it for more than 7 years in various positions. 

I don’t know what you’re looking for or where you’re looking, but I’d encourage you to do three things: (1) make some connections: get yourself some informational interviews, talk to people in jobs that seem like they’d be a reasonable fit for your skills, and ask for advice. It may seem tedious, but it does pay off. (2) broaden: apply to jobs in neighboring fields, in a wider set of geographic areas, or in things where you have an interest but maybe not as much direct experience. My colleague at work had no direct experience in our field, but had a bunch of related skills and is a great fit for the work we do. (3) be kind to yourself: job searching is soul-sucking, and it pretty much is all letdowns until you actually land that position. Don’t just grind out applications, take some time to relax, sleep, care for yourself, etc. your applications and interviews will be that much better because of it.

I’m sorry that happened to you.

First, while you may not want to pursue any legal action around it, if you feel up to it I would encourage you to share your eviction experience either with local authorities or advocacy groups in the area. It’s always important to collect information (even anecdotally) about housing discrimination.

I don’t know what your school or community situation is, but if you’re at a college with housing, you may want to reach out and see if they can house you on a temporary basis. If not, they may be able to put you in contact with other services offering temporary living options. You could also reach out to other local community support groups and/or religious organizations that can either directly provide or point you to housing opportunities.

Otherwise, I’d strongly encourage you to line up as many friends as you can in advance of when you need things. You could see if some folks need a house/pet sitter for part of the time, or if you can just crash on someone’s couch for a few days. While I know people manage things living out of their car, I hope it’s not what you have to resort to - especially if you are still in the process of finishing up some schooling.

I am so sorry that your parents have been engaging in manipulative behavior. I’m not a psychologist, nor do I have personal experience with maladaptive daydreams, and it strikes me that this is the sort of thing best addressed by a professional who can really help you work through. So my major piece of advice would be to seek out the support of a therapist who can help you work through some of this and give you some strategies for helping to manage the challenges you’re facing from your parents.

Now, that (unfortunately) may feel a little daunting, particularly if you do not have a great relationship with your parents. But I’d encourage you, if you can, to try and ask (and you don’t necessarily need to tell them the full reason why - you could just cite stress, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, etc.).

If seeking professional help isn’t feasible, my best recommendation would be to try a combination of meditation and journaling. Mindful meditation can be a great way to lower your overall stress/anxiety levels and give yourself tools for dealing with intrusive thoughts. Journaling might give you a (private) outlet for some of the things you’re dealing with and by writing things down that can sometimes help to externalize those thoughts that get stuck in your head. It might not solve everything, but it can’t hurt. And of course, as best you can, I’m always a proponent of good sleep/exercise/eating habits/hydration.

Trying to shift your parents’ behavior may be challenging, but as you get older and have more independence, you’ll have more opportunities to carve out space and control over these things which will hopefully ease this situation. In the meantime, I hope you can find the tools and support you need to cope with a challenging situation.

Congrats on the impending wedding! Sorry to hear that your fiancee is struggling with this part of things.

Wedding attire shopping can be stressful enough on its own, dysphoria only further complicates things. And unfortunately, while I’m sure you’re being an enthusiastic supporter of your fiancee, sometimes that’s just not enough to overcome that internal struggle. 

Your fiancee is going to wear a dress, and I think we can both agree she’s going to look beautiful in it, so it’s really just about getting her to make the leap and go out and get one. If you can, my advice is to lean on some friends/supportive family/allies. 

Get a small group of close, trusted, awesome people together and have them take your fiancee out to pick out a dress. (You could of course go along too, but I know a lot of people want that piece of things to be a surprise). Work with those folks to be super-complimentary/supportive, call ahead to stores and make sure you have awesome people on board to work with her, and plan fun stuff around the whole thing to make it a great day. If you’re planning to get it online or some other route, adjust accordingly, but either way, make it a really supportive group venture that lets her know that a bunch of people think she deserves to feel really good about the dress she’ll wear.

Beyond that, just keep reminding her that she’s beautiful, and that you can’t wait to see her looking super-lovely on your wedding day. Hopefully with enough love and support from all corners, she’ll feel enough confidence to enjoy your big day without that cloud of dysphoria hovering around.