#ask-kat

That’s awesome that your partner is being supportive!

I totally get you about the lack of visibility/voices/narratives of couples who stay together through the coming out process. When I first was working through this process, Helen Boyd’s books and the My Husband Betty boards were really helpful to me (though they may feel more dated now, not sure, it’s been a little while since I revisited them). That helped me to gain some confidence in how I wanted to approach things, and from there it’s just been a lot of conversations, and then patience as we both navigate this, and then more conversations, and then some more. It’s definitely not always easy, but it’s been well worth it.

I do know some other trans folks (personally) who stayed together after coming out, but there aren’t a ton of blogs/resources that I follow closely right now dealing with that relationship portion of things and couples that stay together. As you said it tends to be less dramatic of a news story, so it doesn’t get as much media coverage - for better or worse.

These stories are important, though, and it’s been really valuable for me to get perspectives from other couples (and from various perspectives within those relationships) on how to navigate this stuff. And I will say, it’s been heartening to see how that has evolved - and how many trans/genderqueer/non-binary folks are open and out well before they’re even entering into relationships.

I recently picked up Love Always, which came out a year or two ago, just haven’t gotten around to reading it yet. I’ll try and write something up on it when I get to it.

Big hugs, sorry to hear that. Looking for jobs, at least in my experience, has been a really draining process. Hope things improve for you soon on that front.

When I first graduated from college I had every intention of becoming a teacher. Seemed like a great fit and a safe job field to go into. I completed my program, did my student teaching, got a temp job as a substitute paraprofessional and then applied to a bunch of jobs in a couple of different states. Then, *crickets*. It probably didn’t help that I finished my schooling in 2008...right at the height of the Great Recession, but it was a really disheartening experience. After a couple of gigs of various types in the education world, I eventually got a call back from a former boss in college and made my way into the higher education administration work that I’m doing now. It’s never what I had planned on for a career, but I’ve been doing it for more than 7 years in various positions. 

I don’t know what you’re looking for or where you’re looking, but I’d encourage you to do three things: (1) make some connections: get yourself some informational interviews, talk to people in jobs that seem like they’d be a reasonable fit for your skills, and ask for advice. It may seem tedious, but it does pay off. (2) broaden: apply to jobs in neighboring fields, in a wider set of geographic areas, or in things where you have an interest but maybe not as much direct experience. My colleague at work had no direct experience in our field, but had a bunch of related skills and is a great fit for the work we do. (3) be kind to yourself: job searching is soul-sucking, and it pretty much is all letdowns until you actually land that position. Don’t just grind out applications, take some time to relax, sleep, care for yourself, etc. your applications and interviews will be that much better because of it.

Glad to hear that your nephew has been getting some good love/support from your husband’s family! While people don’t always “get” the trans thing right away, if their first instinct is love that’s a huge deal.

On the book front, I think the best sort of “classic” transition narrative that I’ve read is Jennifer Finney Boylan’s “She’s Not There.” It’s not my favorite trans narrative (that’d be Redefining Realness), but Boylan is a good writer, and for older more conservative folks I think it would do a pretty good job of creating a more relatable/understandable story of transness. I’m not sure there’s a good transmasculine analogue, but maybe my readers have some good suggestions? I’ve also heard generally good things about the Gender Revolution program (though I haven’t watched it myself) if they would be open to viewing something.

As for the binders, I’m no expert, but I know folks have recommended gc2b as relatively inexpensive and functional. Anybody else have any suggestions?

From what I know about child development and theories on when kids start to develop an internal sense of gender most kiddos seem to start figuring this stuff out between about age 3-5. Some of that may just be about language articulation, but it’s also just an age range where sorting and categories are really important for kids so I think you’re right in expecting that he’s going to start asking those “why” questions about gender himself.

Sex, gender, and sexuality are all pretty complex concepts. And I would argue that many adults don’t understand them well, but I think they can all be explained to kids in ways that are age appropriate and still nuanced. I’ve had plenty of these conversations over the years with Minky ranging from simple to complex, so hopefully I can offer a little insight.

I am so sorry that your parents have been engaging in manipulative behavior. I’m not a psychologist, nor do I have personal experience with maladaptive daydreams, and it strikes me that this is the sort of thing best addressed by a professional who can really help you work through. So my major piece of advice would be to seek out the support of a therapist who can help you work through some of this and give you some strategies for helping to manage the challenges you’re facing from your parents.

Now, that (unfortunately) may feel a little daunting, particularly if you do not have a great relationship with your parents. But I’d encourage you, if you can, to try and ask (and you don’t necessarily need to tell them the full reason why - you could just cite stress, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, etc.).

If seeking professional help isn’t feasible, my best recommendation would be to try a combination of meditation and journaling. Mindful meditation can be a great way to lower your overall stress/anxiety levels and give yourself tools for dealing with intrusive thoughts. Journaling might give you a (private) outlet for some of the things you’re dealing with and by writing things down that can sometimes help to externalize those thoughts that get stuck in your head. It might not solve everything, but it can’t hurt. And of course, as best you can, I’m always a proponent of good sleep/exercise/eating habits/hydration.

Trying to shift your parents’ behavior may be challenging, but as you get older and have more independence, you’ll have more opportunities to carve out space and control over these things which will hopefully ease this situation. In the meantime, I hope you can find the tools and support you need to cope with a challenging situation.

Congrats on the impending wedding! Sorry to hear that your fiancee is struggling with this part of things.

Wedding attire shopping can be stressful enough on its own, dysphoria only further complicates things. And unfortunately, while I’m sure you’re being an enthusiastic supporter of your fiancee, sometimes that’s just not enough to overcome that internal struggle. 

Your fiancee is going to wear a dress, and I think we can both agree she’s going to look beautiful in it, so it’s really just about getting her to make the leap and go out and get one. If you can, my advice is to lean on some friends/supportive family/allies. 

Get a small group of close, trusted, awesome people together and have them take your fiancee out to pick out a dress. (You could of course go along too, but I know a lot of people want that piece of things to be a surprise). Work with those folks to be super-complimentary/supportive, call ahead to stores and make sure you have awesome people on board to work with her, and plan fun stuff around the whole thing to make it a great day. If you’re planning to get it online or some other route, adjust accordingly, but either way, make it a really supportive group venture that lets her know that a bunch of people think she deserves to feel really good about the dress she’ll wear.

Beyond that, just keep reminding her that she’s beautiful, and that you can’t wait to see her looking super-lovely on your wedding day. Hopefully with enough love and support from all corners, she’ll feel enough confidence to enjoy your big day without that cloud of dysphoria hovering around.

Parent/Ren is great!

When Navyy was pregnant with our first child, and through the initial three months or so, I went by dad. And even after I decided to switch over to the neutral “Baba” that I use now, it took me months to fully integrate it into my own language. It’s sometimes just hard to change linguistic habits after spending years in a culture that frames them all in a certain way! So I wouldn’t sweat it. You’ll probably take some time to really adjust, and it helps to have those around you referring to you as “Ren” or whatever you prefer as well so that it just becomes a part of your daily life.

I still run into being referred to as “dad” on a semi-regular basis between people who don’t know us as well (ie. if I’m at the store and presenting male), and filling out forms and whatnot (you’ll find the world of parenting is very cis/hetero normative if you haven’t already discovered that), but in general most of the people in our life seem to “get” the Baba thing pretty well, and that’s just who I am at this point for our kids.